adjusting

The End

First of all, I totally forgot to upload my camera this weekend. In fact I forgot I even promised to post a picture of my elephant. I will though, I promise!

I was really busy this weekend. Jon flew in on Friday and everyday was really packed with stuff to do. Saturday we spent the whole day outdoors. We went to some of my favorite places, Fort Tryon Park and Inwood Hill Park, Five Guys Burgers, and Central Park. Then Jon kept me company while I did some laundry and packing and we ordered in Chinese food.

Sunday morning we went to a huge combined service at the church and out to lunch with my Growth Group (Bible-study group). I had a great time with them but ended up crying like a baby when we said our good-byes. I’ll miss them all so much! Jon had really wanted to see the Bodies exhibit at the South Street Seaport. We went, and really enjoyed it, although I fell apart in the respiratory system section. People must have thought I was insane, but oh well.

Then yesterday, my roommate invited us to her family’s home on Long Island for a barbeque. There was so much food and it was a great way to send Jon off…with half of my belongings in tow.

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I can’t believe that today is my last real day in New York. I’m at the office and I have so much stuff I have to tie up, but no desire to move. The girl taking over my position seems to think that my job is so easy, she has nothing to discuss with me. I think I’m just going to type up a list of things that she needs to do because my boss is being aloof and isn’t giving me much to do anyway.

I have been trying for the last few weeks to sell my dresser, nightstand, air conditioner, and bed, but I have been completely unsuccessful. I was really hoping to make a bit of money off of those things, since I don’t want to ship them.

Tonight and tomorrow morning I will be packing and cleaning like its my new hobby and tomorrow night I will be in Phoenix for good. Somehow I’m missing New York already.

borderline obsessed

Work has been really boring today. No one is here and the phone hasn’t rang because everyone with any sense at all has taken today off. To pass the time? I made a pushpin elephant on my cubicle wall. Picture to follow.

future

I’ve been trying to write for the last couple of days. In fact, I’ve started several different posts intending to, you know, post them. I think it’s because my life is in such a state of flux, that I’m having a hard time putting my thoughts into words. I also feel a desire to talk about something other than my mom, even though the situation has consumed my thoughts. I just want you to know, even though you haven’t heard me talk about it, in the last few weeks I’ve had a lot of fun. I got to go home and see my sister graduate, I went out with old friends and had a blast at a skeezy bar, I’ve been to two baseball games, and I got a pedicure with my mom. It’s hard to write about these carefree experiences when I have such a heavy weight on my heart.

My mom’s illness is not the only stress in my life. In less than a week I will be moving back home after living in New York for almost two years. That alone is causing me a lot of stress. I feel in a way like I haven’t progressed since I first left home just after college. This is all not to mention all of the packing and planning I need to do even though it’s the last thing on earth I want to be dealing with right now.

In September I will be turning 25. I will most likely still be waiting tables. I have been wanting to go back to school. I’ve been planning to start studying for the GRE to get into grad school. Then a week ago, my mom threw a kink into my plans. I was driving her to a doctor’s appointment and she asked me why I wasn’t planning to go to cosmetology school. When I was in high school that was all I wanted. I wanted to do hair at a fancy upscale salon. When my dad got wind of this he started to make fun of me and say that I would never make anything of my life with that “career choice”. He slowly shamed me out of the idea and it had honestly slipped my mind. Somehow remembering that this was something I had wanted has caused me to be even more confused.

Bleek

I’ve been in Arizona for the last week visiting my family and attending my sister’s college graduation. Being home allowed me the chance to attend several doctor’s appointments with my mom and to see what living with her will really be like. My mom went for a battery of different tests including MRI’s, EKG’s, and a procedure called thorosentesis that involves sticking a large needle into the lungs and extracting fluid from them (lovely). The oncologist recommended radiation and it was started within a couple days of her visit with him. Radiation is a treatment that focuses on the affected area rather than the entire body as chemotherapy does. It is generally said to ravage the body less. In my mom’s case, because there is a lot of lymph node involvement in her neck, the doctor feared it would burn her esophagus and she would lose the desire to eat. For this, the doctors were ecstatic that she is slightly overweight. A few days after the start of her radiation treatment, the doctor told her she will also need to start chemotherapy. On a bell curve, her prognosis is a year or two.

Needless to say, I think, I’m scared shitless. I’m scared of so many things. I’m scared that I will be afraid to be around my mom when the chemo makes her sick and she starts losing her hair. And I’m scared of having to take care of the person who has always taken care of me.

I’m angry that she’s done this to herself through years of abusing her body, and that given the chance, she would so selfishly continue to do so. I’m angry that I have to be the rational, strong one. I’m angry that she and others have already started to think about when she’s gone. And I’m angry that I am giving up my life to help her, when she doesn’t even want to help herself.