So, Sunday is Mother's Day. Not really one of my favorite holidays. As most of you know, I have "mom" issues, so I don't really even celebrate this day. Mother's Day will mark one year since I have spoken to my mother. My last phone call to her on Mother's Day last year consisted of her asking me what I wanted when I called, my response was "Uh...Happy Mother's Day?" She promptly told me that she was busy and hung up the phone. Okay, so I haven't spoken to her since. She's pushed me away, even though I tried not to let her, and honestly my life is less complicated with her in it. Now, you don't know the whole story, and I'm not going to go into it, so don't assume you do know and give me issues about not speaking to my mother anymore. Sorry, if I am coming off rude, but it's the truth. Very few people actually know the entire story, most can see why I don't talk to her, some can't. In the time she was in my life, I would try to be the good daughter and send her cards for this day, her birthday, Christmas or just because. Yesterday as I was glancing over the Mother's Day cards for my "surrogate" mom, I was brought back to a place where I would try to find a card for my mother during those 4 years. It was a bittersweet moment as I won't be sending anymore to her, but I also remembered how hard it was to find a card for her. The good ones always said something like, "Mother, you've been such an inspiration to me." or "Mother, you've raised me to be a wonderful woman." or "Mother, I don't know where I would be if it weren't for you." You know...things I really can't relate to and would always settle for a generic card. I hated buying cards for her, I really did. Sometimes even buying cards for my dad became grueling, although he was somewhat in my life growing up. Hallmark should have a section for me and other people, titled "There's a Little Disfunctional Family in All of Us", I could even write cards for them. I bet I would make money,lots of it!!!

In the past year, I've been slowly learning about how to let my friend's mom love me, be my mother figure, learning to open up to her more. It has not been easy for me, due to my part and being stubborn, and desperately wanting that affection from my actual mother that I was getting from her. Reazling that I will never receive the affection from my mom that I receive from my surrogate mom. And learning to accept that, be grateful for that, realizing how blessed I am by God to have her in my life, here in Arizona. And when I don't see my friend for a few weeks, I really miss him, but you know what, I really miss his family as well, especially his mom. I made myself a part of the family whether my friend wanted me to or not.  I mean seriously...she's got a house full of men (hubby and two sons with another son out of state), she needs another woman around as her daughter in law lives out of state as well, to help balance out the family.  Every once in awhile we have some girl time and just go to As You Wish and paint. We both love that. That reminds me, we are so overdue for a girl day.

I know I have told her this, and I will tell her again and again: Kathy, you're the best mom and I love you! I can't begin to explain how you have helped me this year, helped me grow, helped me find myself a little more. You believe in me and encourage me and inspire me to be a better woman.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms!

Quotes of the day: "Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs...since the payment is pure love." ~Mildred B. Vermont

"A mother's love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible." ~Marion C. Garretty

So, not that this is a big deal to my Xanga readers, but I've put my site on Xanga lock. Today as I was checking my email, I got a message from Xanga saying someone replied to a comment I left on someone's site. This person replied to me and other women who commented on the site and just left a creepy message, the exact same message for all of us.

Here is a copy of what he replied to me and like 4 other women: "hello how are u doing today , i am male on checking out of the profile of who is online i saw your lovely pix and that u look like an angel to me and your love face captivate my interest alot if u dont mind me sending u this u this mail .hope to hear from u soon"    

I got an email from the person whose site I left a comment at, regarding his comment saying she's blocked this person. Well, I've blocked him as well after I went to his site and called him a creep. In my experience with "psycho", you can never be to cautious. I've recently made my Myspace private with a picture of me without my face showing due to this said stalker I once had. But, now....I've had to make Xanga private. Which, sucks, because there are a lot of people who read it that don't have Xanga, like my sister, coworker, and some other friends. Oh well, life goes on.

Seriously? Does this guy have NOTHING better to do with his time than to bother women on Xanga? Doesn't he have a life or something? I'm not on Xanga looking for love, especially on other people's sites. It's just creepy. He's just creepy. And I'm so over creepy men bothering me. And looking at my list of blocked users, congrats to you Mr. Creepy Creepster, you've just earned the title of being the first and only person to be blocked from my Xanga in the three years I've had the account. Well, done, sir. Creep.

P.S. Not that he can see this blog because he's blocked, but just venting.

Have you ever done something and the time you didn't realize you did it? I don't intentionally set out to hurt people's feelings. I used to, but I'm a different person now. I try to make the conscious effort not to hurt anyone, but today I was brought to tears at the realization of something I had done back in January. My friend had sent me a link to her private blog to share our weight loss experience, she had previously given me this link, but I was having trouble pulling it up. I kept forgetting to tell her about the problems I was having. She emailed the link today and I figured while I had time, I would read some of her blog, a few posts back, I read one about me. What I did was stupid, you may not think it's a big thing...but my friends are very important to me. Minus a few family members, they're pretty much the only thing I have. Instead of helping this friend, I choose to hang out with another friend. I know, stupid and childish, right? I just wasn't thinking and my head at the time was very clouded with something. I didn't think anything of it, but I was putting my needs above her needs. And I shouldn't of done that. She told never told me she was angry at me, but she was...maybe she still is. I'm not sure. It hurts my heart to know that she might be still angry with me or was ever angry with me in the first place. I consider a very close friend, one of the few I actually trust. I read this very early this morning and she's quite busy, so I sent her an email profusely apologizing for my actions. I just felt horrible, I still feel horrible. I can't believe I did that and she may never trust me the same way again.

Has your head ever become so clouded that you sometimes can't even think straight? This one thing, or many things...clouds your thoughts, blurs your vision. Why do we let ourselves get like that? Why? If I would of kept my eyes focused on God, I would not let my thoughts get so clouded like they have. Sometimes it becomes so much that I can't even manage to sort through all the junk and find Brandy. As days go by, I am learning more about God, more about his love, more about his grace. And yes, after 7 years of walking with God, I still haven't surrendered to him. I mean, I've surrendered some things, but not everything. Why can't I let this go? Why can't I let that go? Why don't I fully surrender 100% to God? I think a lot of it is my independency. I was raised to be very independent and to never let anyone take care of me. There are very few people I depend on because so many people have let me down. And it's taken me awhile to depend on those people for small things. I should be dependent on God, let him take care of me, love on me and shower me with his grace and mercy. I'm working on it, but not fully there.

Oh by the way....my friend just texted me and said, "Te amo, chica." Glad to know she still loves me and she's not angry with me anymore.*Grin* "Y te amo también."

Gotta go shower, I honestly stink something fierce. But it's a good thing that I smell, because that smell came from the sweat of taking a very fast walk around the canal which I've done three times this week. Hooray!

Quote of the day: "A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle." Benjamin Franklin

"At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I'm so lost for words, so in love, sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."

Happy Monday, everyone! How are you doing? I'm pretty good. Except my allergies are killing me today. Phooey. It's definitely a glasses/ponytail day. Last night, I got to hang out with Jason. It was nice. I haven't seen him in three weeks. We had dinner and went to a movie. And we didn't even spend a dime.  We both had gift cards, I paid for dinner and he picked up the movies. By the way, I HIGHLY suggest you go see 88 Minutes. It was a really good movie. It was one of those movies that keeps you guessing through the entire thing. GO SEE IT!

Anyways, as most of you know, once I get my nursing degree, I hope to be a missionary in a Spanish speaking country. Sometimes that “missionary flame” that I have seems to fade out ever so gently. As much as I try to keep the light going, I sense it going out for a few reasons:

·        I haven’t been out of the country since 2006 when I came back with Dengue Fever. I am itching to go on a trip, but need to make school a priority right now.  

·        My church has a really good missions program, but I didn’t feel as though I could follow with them as their focus is somewhere where mine honestly isn’t. In the midst of everything going on, I had left my church for that very reason. But 7 months later, after not finding a church, God somehow brought me back to Central with the realization that He’s not quite finished with me there yet. And came to the realization that I volunteer with a mission’s agency when I’m not in school. I could get my foot in the door there.  

·        I really don’t have a lot of people around me who are missionary minded to help keep that flame ignited and it’s hard to be encouraged.

·        I am in my 2^nd year of Spanish, and although I can read and write it really well, I don’t feel comfortable speaking it in the slightest. I love the Spanish language, which is why I want to go to a Spanish speaking country. But sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be fluent in it to comfortably tell people about Jesus. I am not immersed in the culture and nobody really speaks to me in Spanish.

·        My immune system. Enough said. I should be willing to die for Christ, NO MATTER WHAT, even if that includes me dying from a bug bite. I realize that, but to think how sick I was, how sick I could be if I get bitten by another mosquito, it honestly scares me.

I sometimes think maybe that’s not where I’m supposed to be. Maybe I’m not one of the called anymore because of all of this. But wait…God wouldn’t take something like that away, would he? It could very well be the evil one, just working his magic one. Then God, will put people or situations in my life that help me to remember that yes, I’m being called, just be patient, Brandy. So enough of the negative. Let’s focus on how amazing God is.

·        I subscribe to a few people on Xanga who are missionaries. And although I haven’t actually told them this, but they bring so much encouragement to me. I read their blogs, and it’s just about their normal lives, except they are doing what God wants them to do in another country. And I love reading their blogs. So, to MissionaryMommy, EverythingLovely, angiewashington, and wrestlingwithGod, thank you for encouraging me. Even though you may not think you are encouraging me, you most definitely are.

·        A few weeks ago, I had to speak at Tres Dias. My talk was about spreading God’s word. What better person to do it, than a girl who wants to be a missionary? I was so encouraged by people who had heard my talk. Many made me cry, because they all thanked me for being one of the called and keeping Jesus’ light going.

·        Saturday, I met with the man in charge of the Hispanic Ministry at my church. He said I had been on his heart lately as to why I left, but was glad I was back. He said he knew where my heart was…Chile. Yes, it’s been there since 2005. He said he understood everything as to why I was having the feelings that I did. He really encouraged me in my walk, my missionary walk, and my Spanish walk. He wants me to start attending a Spanish Bible Study, just to listen and then when I’m comfortable enough, I can start participating and maybe volunteering with the kids. I also told him that I so missed my Spanish/English Bible. I had one, but in 2006 gave it to someone in the Dominican Republic. He was just learning English and had just become a Christian. God was telling me to give him that Bible, so I did. He needed it more than I did. But the Spanish/English one I want is $45 and I just haven’t been able to swing it to get another one. What does he do? He TOTALLY hands me a brand new Spanish/English Bible for free, it’s a nice one. That totally made my day.

·        And then to top it off, I saw Jim Caviezel yesterday. He came and spoke at a church here in the valley. Do you know who this man is? Let me refresh your memory, he was in GI Jane, Frequency, Count of Monte Cristo, Déjà vu, Pay it Forward. Still doesn’t jog your memory? Have you seen the Passion of the Christ? He’s the man who played Jesus. Yep, yep. I totally met him yesterday. He’s a VERY STRONG Christian. I honestly cried through his entire talk. He talked about how being a Christian is not easy and we are to suffer, because Christ suffered. He said that during filming of the Passion, he actually became so sick from exhaustion and pneumonia that the doctor’s told him he could die. Do you know what he said? He said it didn’t matter, if he lost his life in order to save millions of people by doing that movie, then it was worth everything.  I was honored to meet him, shake his hand, and talk to him for a few minutes. He is such a man of God, I had no clue how strong in his faith he is. See, God is AMAZING, but you knew that already, huh?

Have a FANTASTIC day and bask in His love!

Bran

Quote of the day: “You were not made to fit in; you were born to STAND OUT.” Jim Caviezel

Ah, so here I am again, pet-sitting. This job that I'm doing is providing quite interesting. Oh, so update on the score at this house, every time I housesit, I keep score of who get the best of who, the animals usually win. This house has two dogs: Toby and Roxy. They are both sweet, but Roxy is the calm one. Toby, not so much. And they both have some serious gas issues. Yowsers! Want to talk about gagging someone?

Score:  Me          1

           Animals   1

Yes, as of right now, we are tied. Thursday morning the owner called me as she was leaving to say that Toby has managed to reinfect a sore from last year. So her mom took him to the vet. Thursday night, I come home to the two dogs. one of who has a cone on his head, Toby of course. Poor little guy (Okay, memo, he's not little, he's 8 and very BIG dog. But his depth perception is so, so, so off because he has no periphiphal vision due to wearing the cone. So, needless to say, he's running into everything, including me. I'm just positive my legs are crazy bruised from him ramming into me so hard. He's a hyper dog, so just imagine a hyper dog with a cone on his head. I just giggle at home most of the time.

The sore is on his toe, last year, he managed to pull out on of his toe nails and that is what he reinfected. Both of the dogs take a lot of medication, but they just eat it with their food. Whew...that's good. I hate giving animals medicine. I will do it, but would prefer not to shove the pill down their throat. Every night, Toby has to have his foot soaked and rebandaged every night. Here's where the fun starts...I cop a squat on the floor and get him to come over to me. I grab his collar with one hand so he doesn't run away, and with the other hand proceed to undo his bandage, take off his sock thingy, soak his foot for a few minutes, completely dry his paw, proceed to put the sock back on and put the bandage back on. Do you know how difficult that was with only one hand? The entire time, he was growling at me. Now, his mother said he does that all the time and won't bite, but I am a complete stranger messing with his hurt paw. I kept trying to reassure him and tell him what a good boy he was, all the while praying he wouldn't decide to bite me. I became thankful for the cone, realizing he probably couldn't bite me if he tried. Two nights in a row, I managed to clean his paw. Yes! Score one for Brandy!

As of last night, I was in the lead. Hooray! But...then Toby managed to get a score in early this morning, like at 1:30. They both normally sleep in the bed with their momma, I figured no big deal. I can handle two very big dogs sleeping in the bed with me. At least I felt safe, right? At 2 a.m. I got a text message and funny enough I was awake. At 1:30, Toby decided to make himself comfortable and I woke up to him, his head in a cone, right next to me, on my pillow, breathing on my neck. Okay, now I like animals, but not breathing on my neck when I'm trying to sleep. He was laying on my arm also, I only had about a foot of bed to lay on. I told him to move, nothing. I proceeded to try to move him over to the other side of the bed, nothing, but a growl of course. Yes, he growled at me because he didn't want to move. I rolled over and clung to the side of the bed, hoping I wouldn't fall off. What does he do? He snuggles right up next to me again proceeds to snore in my ear. Seriously?  Oh to see that.

Oh those crazy animals....I'm here till the 19th, I'm sure I'll have more stories to share. 

***Update as of 4/14/08. I am soooooooooooo losing to the animals. Granted I've been able to wash Toby's foot every night. But every day he has since managed to chew the sock on his hurt paw to pieces. Yesterday, he managed to get the cone off his head. I had a lovely time putting it back on him. And today I've learned a valuable lesson, which I should know by now....Bran, you gotta be smarter than the dog. I thought I was, by putting all my things in the owners closest and shutting the doors, they have sliding door. Oh boy, was I ever wrong. I come home to find another chewed sock, an empty gum container. Yep, Toby ate some gum and various chewed things that were in my bag all over the floor like my comb, my body spray, my flip flops, etc. Oh Toby, I shall conquer your little magician butt yet!

Score: Me    4 for actually washing Toby's paw every night and not getting bit.

          Animals (mainly Toby)  5 billion!

Have a great day!

Bran

Quote of the day: "The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too." ~Samuel Butler