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| Then.It's been a while, I realize... but c'mon, has it been that long.
Am I so far from tradition that I just don't belong?
And if that's the case, then haven't you too?
What did I do to deser... oh yeah....
I forgot.
For a brief moment, I forgot.
But you squeezed me, and I remembered...
It'll be okay.
I'm sure someday, it'll be okay.
"Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth."
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| Happenings.My brother got married on Saturday. Second time around. Ceremony was kinda tough for me to be honest. Is that too personal? Well. It was. But I cannot thank God enough for our sweet sweet Angie. I just think she is wonderful. And she makes a great addition to our family -- not because she fits in well or 'cause she's a lot like us. But because she seems to suck the marrow out of life. And right now, that's totally what our family needs. If you pray, pray for their marriage. Blessing upon blessing upon blessing. I'm so happy.
I took the job on Monday. I start next Monday, so I've got a bit of time to try and get myself together - think professional thoughts and whatnot. Geez, I'm not corporate. I'm just not. But maybe - just maybe, I'll like it? We'll see..... At the very least we get a pay increase and get to save on insurance. Eh? And after two months of employment, we'll qualify for the loan we need to get the house we want. Yikes, I hate grown-up stuff. And ya know, maybe it's a bit tacky to talk about money and finances, but that's the reality I'm in at the moment. And this thing is mainly for my own personal documentation - so.... :)
We also got an apartment yesterday. In Lewisville. Hooray. Moving up to that area means more time with friends and more time at church ----- which, we HOPE, brings us more of Jesus. We're taking things so much slower than our other friends are, but our end goal isn't the house. It's not the job. It's Him. And I say this not to imply that our friends are merely interested in the material - I say this to justify our tortoise-like rate. But then again, I've always been slow to move and change --- so what's new...?
I've begun to really think about interior decorating as a career. I've always enjoyed said occupation of my time, and wonder if it's something I could really be good at. So perhaps, as I sell out for this hum-drum job, maybe I can further look into something a bit more artistic and creative. Music will always be my passion - my outlet. But I don't think it will, unfortunately, ever be my career. And so it will remain my personal joy and love. And who knows about the other. It would be really fun. Who knows....
It's a weird thing to blog as a married woman. I can't seem to find the line that divides my personal thoughts and those that make us - us. It's important to me to protect the privacy of marriage. But I also value the documentation and expression of my own thoughts and concerns and inspirations. Maybe this was meant for my single life. I hope not.
I like trees.
"After night comes a light. Dawn is here. It's a new day. Everything will change. Things will never be the same. We will never be the same.
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| Things that have happened since may seventh.---I didn't get the job, and got a little bummed about it - but only a little.
---Taste Addison with Sam and the Walkers. We saw Freddy from Kiss FM (not so great) and Switchfoot (really great). We saw a few Village peeps and then the dumb boys - who I haven't seen in years. Had a great evening.
---Seminar on the Emergent Church at The Village. Interesting, thought-provoking, but not as informative as I'd hoped.
---Wedding shower for Angie. Fajitas and Margaritas, complete with a mariachi duo.
---Mother's Day. My first attempt at familial baking. (That sounds weird.) I made my grandmother's strawberry cake - my mom's favorite - for our big family lunch. While I shouldn't have been that nervous, I was. But it turned out just fine - quite yummy if I do say so myself.
---I subbed at a junior high for SPED. New adventure and quite compelling at that. I really really enjoyed it though.
---We dog-sat Molly for the Walkers. What a crazy dog. Made me want one.
---Excursion to Colorado with David and Jordan. (Photos on facebook.) We went to their "cousin" Heidi's Messianic Jewish wedding --- which was so darn cool. I should've written a whole journal entry on this. But I didn't. Then we went camping for a few days. My first time in a tent since I can't even remember. Although, we didn't get to use the tent because of the rain. But we had fun. And I got sick.
---Healed up in record time - just enough to sing my first full weekend at church. David and Josh W. played - so it was super fun.
---Watched the sixth-graders at Bebensee graduate, then spent my last day subbing. Bittersweet event. Walkinshaw said he would've had a job for me if we'd stayed in Arlington. I cried after I left the kids.
Which brings me up to yesterday. Yesterday I had my first official corporate America interview. I've never ever ever wanted to go into the business world. Ever. But a friend of mine got my resume to the right people, and we set up the interview. So I spoke with the recruiter for a little while (all the while feeling terribly incompetent) and then took a personality test. She sent me over (with much enthusiasm) to the two managers of the department I would work in. I spoke with them for a bit and then was sent back to the recruiter for further instructions. Then I took what felt like an IQ test (blechk!!) for an hour, shook the recruiter's hand, and went on my way.
She called this morning and offered me the job - but I haven't accepted it yet. Dave and I haven't had the chance to really discuss everything - and the hours don't match up well with his. But it would be a 9-6 that I could leave at the office and not worry about on the weekends..... ........ ................
Ugh.... I just don't know. The fact that I'm not jumping for joy makes me feel like this isn't right. But a big part of me feels like I should just try it. I should just try it....
We'll see.
My brother's getting married tomorrow.
"...to look for America."
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| My thoughts tonight.My husband's been throwing up all day. David never ever ever gets sick. The last time I remember having any symptoms beyond the occasional stuffy nose was like five years ago when he got mono. At the time, he and I were just "good friends" (who really had huge crushes on each other), and he thought it'd be hilarious if I got mono too. The rumors people had already started (and rightly so) would've increased exponentially. He kept saying, "Wouldn't it be funny??? It'd make a GREAT story someday...."
I did get mono eventually. But like a year and a half after he did. And by then, we were dating.
I had a second interview today. I felt like this one went better than the first, but who knows these days... We'll see. I'm looking forward to knowing the outcome.
I'm not sure what it is in my subconscious that's bothering me, but I have been eating like a PIG!! And I haven't even been subbing much lately. (Something about being in a school building makes me crave cokes and candy.) I feel like an addict. I can't get rid of the bad-for-me food. Maybe it's time for a little more introspection... we'll see.
I'm excited to be singing at my brother's wedding. Right now they've settled on "Is This Love" by Bob Marley. Acoustic version. Sounds random - and not wedding-y at all. But I think it'll be beautiful.
I miss having money to just go shopping and not worry about price tags. That lasted for like two months, though while I was teaching. I will give myself a few props on my bargain shopping abilities - Mama always raised me to shop on sale.
Gosh, I hope this job works out. I'm ready for something new -- and possibly enjoyable.
I watched an episode of Friends tonight. I miss that show.
I had a coke today. And it just wasn't good.
"Your love and all it's finery shadow the darkness all around me until I can breathe again, until I believe again."
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| Thanks and hopes.I haven't written in a while because things are so damn good. I can't think of another way to say it that gets the point across. Things are just so damn good. The irony is: the reason things are so damn good is the fact that I'm not damned. For the first time in SO long, I have come to realize that I'm not condemned because of my mistakes. I'm not shut off and shot down by God - or even by the people who love me. For the first time in five years I'm walking in what feels like new freedom - and it's damn good.
Things of late that I'm thankful for:
-The trees outside our window. The way the bright blue sky shines through the bright green leaves.
-Home Group. It's not perfect - or really even totally functioning, but there's hope there.
-Friends. It's become perfectly apparent to me as of late that there are some dear ones in my life who have taken their leave --- and don't intend on returning any time soon. But at this point, I'm not in a fret. I'm developing friendships with people who somehow get me - somehow click like never before. I was afraid I'd lost that. I think I might've held on too tight. I lost my grip. But oh, the friends in life right now. There's hope there, too.
-The prospect of moving. Because of these friends (and the desire to be more involved at church), David and I are planning on moving this summer. Maybe a house, maybe another apartment... who knows. But again - the hope.
-The weather. Has been BEAUTIFUL lately. A bit on the cool side, but simply GORGEOUS!
-The possibility of a new job. Slim chances, but the hope again, keeps me living.
-And last. My husband. I've kept my thoughts on David to myself so many times in this journal. The idea of weighing anyone down with mooshy ooshy details makes me cringe - but I can't keep from thanking God for my husband. For a short while before marriage, I considered what my life might be like without him. I consider it now ---- ------- ---- and it makes me ache to think I'd consider letting go of him. I sigh in great relief that he is the man I go to sleep next to at night - that he is the one I hug goodbye in the morning - that he is the one I pray with and eat with and make those life decisions with. I love him. I can't really say it any other way. (Well I probably could, but I'll leave it at that.)
Somehow the dry, cakey weight that had rendered me motionless is breaking up and chipping off. New life is splashing over me. I wipe my eyes, brushing my hair back out of my face, and breathe deeply. Exhaling, I spread my arms wide across my chest and bask in the light of Spring.
Remember a while back, I wrote about the surgeons doing their worst......? Thank God they did.
"...the better half of mixed intentions."
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