Yay! It's my birthday today; I'll probably do a separate post for that.
Well, those feelings are slowly creeping back into my life; I know that and God knows that. And I guess to a certain degree, I'm glad no one else knows. Or perhaps I'd like other people to know but what difference would that make? I don't know why I sometimes believe more in fake sincerity than in actual genuity.
I feel like I'm losing ground. I know I just need to trust in God and...
Fall back on everything You've done
Fall back on everlasting arms
When all the world is swept away
You are all the things I need
You're the air I breathe
but it's becoming increasingly difficult and it's like I'm waging this internal war inside of me. Feelings of inadequacy, forlorness, hopelessness, rejection and to some extent, anger as a result of my frustrations. It's a battle to do, not what I feel like doing, but what God would have me do and as so many other people have simply said, "move on." I'm afraid if I talk once again about this issue to anyone else, with the exception of just one or two people, they'll just tell me the same thing they've already said before, thinking, "again? I thought we dealt with this already" and maybe prayer is the only way to resolve this anguish in my heart.
And then I get to blaming myself and others.
I suppose what I would really appreciate is someone who will just listen to me and support me as I try to battle out the conjecture invading my mind, even if it continually recurs. And that tells you I can't think of anyone who would (perhaps except God but I have this image in my mind where He wants me to do something active about it. Could I? I probably could but the hopeless side of me is saying, "it's not going to do you or other people good anyway.") You know what? I hate it too but (this but is where I feel like I'm this whiny kid who needs attention; another reason why I keep my feelings to myself & a lot of people may not want to hear what I have to say so.. what's the use in trying?) it's something that needs to be dealt with and preferably not alone because I don't want these thought patterns engulfing, and ultimately, destroying the progress I've achieved thus far.
Maybe I just think too much. I dislike it when people (seem to) have implied meaning behind every word or action. And maybe that's the devil working overtime in my head but I just feel like I need someone who can keep me accountable and can be my strength embodied physically. hah. Any takers? I thought not.
Or perhaps it's because I hate the position I'm in right now. I realize, however, that I am limited by my own vision that is a lot more critical than God's and even other people's visions. From my POV, I'm looking through a glass window. I feel like cutting off my feelings but God doesn't want a heart of stone, not when He's worked especially hard to pry it open in the first place. Or I could just isolate myself but that would not yield any positive results either.
I really need to just trust in God more..
EDIT: God told me that He'd work through me to heal the brokenhearted and lonely. Instead of looking at what I lack, I need to concentrate on what OTHERS lack. I do not lack at all. God has blessed me with so much yet I still cry out for more. Why? I can't help but think that maybe God has something awesome for me in store this week since satan butchered my feelings/emotions this weekend. At the same time, I'm still struggling to keep them in check and in line with God's will.
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