| allright, im sick of thinking about doing this entry, so ive decided to write it
a horribly depressing realization dawned upon me yesterday. i know ive shared with some of you before, but it's never really hit me so hard before. my long term memory is practically nonexistent. yea, to most people it wouldnt seem like anything, but it does to me. i dont know who i used to be. my good neighbor joehan told me about how i used to help people cheat all the time by letting them copy my homework. but now, i know for sure i would never let anyone copy my homework unless it's truly an emergency. when she told me that, it hit me so hard how much i have forgotten. before, my cousin elaine used to tell me so many stories about what i did before and what i was like before. but i basically havent experienced them, cuz i forgot them. its a very painful and lonely feeling, not being able to remember anything in the past. ive forgotten everything from middle school back. isn't that worth being depressed about? i hear about people recalling old memories and things theyve done with friends, but what do i have? my memories are so limited, i can even count them! i dont remember my old friends, i dont remember who i used to be, its so depressing. yesterday, i stayed up till 3 reading my old xanga entries, cuz joehan told me to do so as advice. can you believe ive forgotten just about everything from 7th and 8th grade? with this realization also comes much regret. ive done so many stupid and wrong things, or rather, ive not done things i should have. i dont hate many things, but i hate how i cant remember things. sometimes i get so frustrated with myself that i get mad at myself. why me? why cant i remember anything about me?! i want to be able to cherish old memories! but why cant i? i dont know... i hate it so much. i know who i am now, but who was i before? do the visions of my being a kid have to be brought to me from other people? how can i tell what was true or accurate? i dont know who i am guys... its so... frustrating
while reading my xanga, ive even realized that ive forgotten things from the summer after freshman year. that was ONE YEAR AGO!!! how could i?! i never thought this would be such a big problem. so ive decided. i dont care about people who comment. i dont care. im going to start posting things that ive been doing on this xanga. no you dont have to read it. no one ever has to. this is all for my own good. ive tried a journal before, but it just doesnt work. i guess i just feel xangaing helps more? the logic is horrible, but for some reason it just works. while reading all those xanga entries, i realized all those things ive forgotten. i dont want to forget my sophomore year. i dont want to forget my whole youth. this is the first time ive ever really thought xanga is a big help. reading all those entries let me know who i was, what i used to do. and now, im gonna start writing myself onto this xanga once again. yall dont have to read it. its for my own good. but if yall care, maybe yall can take a look once in a while, or if yall are bored too...
alright, well, taiwan/china will take too long to recall, so i think ill start from after i came back, the 18th at 11 PM. it was a sunday
well i still remember on the way from the airport to somewhere closer to home, we had to ride a bus. i remember translating a spanish comic page in the newspaper... haha i thought it was kinda funny, finding a spanish comic in china and reading it in the US. but yea, after you translate every single word, you kinda lose the humor... i still remember seeing my cousin when she and my uncle came to pick us up, and we had to stuff all the luggage into the van's trunk and crowd everything else in the seats. we didnt do too much, except carry all the luggage in and start unpacking a bit, but i was so tired i just went to sleep.
on monday the 19th, im looking at my calendar. yea i thought maybe writing events that happened on a calendar would help, but there just isnt enough detail, so that didnt work too well... on the 19th it says "rina's - clue" so apparently we had another night of clueing together. haha last year we used to play that almost every night after swimming, so it was fun.
hmm so tuesday the 20th, theres nothing there... so i guess maybe me rina max and my sis did something, but i didnt write it down... oh well
wednesday the 21st says christine's house, cards, like, make card. alright i remember this. i was really bored cuz rina and max both are taking writing/reading summer school stuff AND driver's ED!!! NOT FAIR!!! ugh i wanna start learning how to drive!!! theyre younger than me!! ugh anyways. i was bored, so i went to christine's house to talk. it was pretty fun talking to her after a month of not seeing her. i dont remember what we talked about, but i do remember the coat of arms she showed me that she made with annie and them when they visited. cards, i guess rina and max and my sis played big 2 or VC or something with me. probably gin too. and life, i think we got a bit tired of clue, so we brought out a life game. we lost the rules, so we figured out all the rules ourselves, (except the whole how much money do you start out with thing... haha we chose one of every bill... lol) i think i lost that... really badly cuz i had the least money in the end. max had so many kids they didnt fit in the car haha. then make card, that was when we stayed at rina's house till 12-ish making joehan's bday card!! that was tons of fun. we brought construction paper and markers and stuff, and we made it da vinci code style!! haha it was fun, but it took us 3.5 hours!! i wrote a 4-line iambic pentameter poem telling her to find 16 things that are related to 16. there were 16 hearts, 16 exclamation points, 16 names, 16 colors, and things like that. it was really fun, and she loved it. i remember at 12, we went over to her house to "sing" happy bday to her, but she was sleeping. so were her parents i guess, so i played flute very very very softly. at least we were there =)
then the 22nd-thursday- we gave the card to joehan. oh wait, i forgot, me max rina and my sister had gone puzzle/board game shopping haha. we bought a csi game thingy, scrabble, and a few puzzles. THEN we went to joehan's house to give her the card. and we watched her find all the things. it was fun =) then me and my sis went to rina's house to open up the games and read all the csi game rules. i think we started the puzzle a bit too. it was a horse one, i think. we went shopping for them actually because her mom had bought this horrible other turtle puzzle. ive never seen a puzzle without straight edges... it had a turtle outline... so it was difficult haha. then when i read the csi rules, my sister got bored so i think she went home. but when i finished reading the rules, it was time for us to go. oh j/k i remember, my sister went upstairs or something to watch tv. see? memory fading again... then i went with bing my neighbor to play volleyball at cbc. my sis came too. man, there were so many people there. it was fun! i havent exercised in SOO long, so yea, the day after, my thighs and back were killing me... ugh
then, the 23rd, friday, i went to Mr. Yang's house to help him pick up violin again. we played suzuki... haha how interesting. my thighs were KILLING by this time... cuz i stood for an hour... oh boy haha. then we got back, and i went to rina's house to play csi with her and max. it was pretty fun, except i was sooooo out of it, and i kept getting bad rolls with the die... so i lost REALLY badly... couldnt figure out who the murderer was... ugh... then i went to church i think at 7? to practice the piano trio i was in for music night (a week after this) it was with julia and jenny, both from church. it was... interesting haha. and our fellowship had a rehearsal to perform for music night, my sister played violin and stuff. then we went to conrad's for a dgroup sleepover!! (well, dgroup + josh lee and daniel uh... lin? i think haha sorry...) we went grocery shopping at like 11 to buy pizza, ramen, tostitos and salsa. but we didnt get enough salsa... so there was like a whole half bag of the tostitos left... but i think we finished all the ramen and pizza haha. we watched um... office space? i think, then a football movie... um... oh replacements, thats it. office space wasnt good at all... iono maybe i didnt understand it, but replacements was pretty good. i was the earliest to sleep (3 30 i think) cuz my mom would get so mad at me if i was tired the next morning (i begged her to go... haha)
yea sooooooo 24th saturday, conrad took me home. i woke up at like 11 or something to leave. haha ive been sleeping so much this summer, so 7 hours of sleep is NOT enough for me... so yea i talked to conrad about parents problems and stuff, and when i got home, i had to leave for a dentist appointment, which was interesting. they used laughing gas on me!!! it was FREAKY. it feels like your heart is about to float out of your chest cavity or something!!! freaked me out... and yea... i found out how yellow my teeth really are, and how poorly ive been brushing my teeth... maybe the two second brushings can explain that... ehhh haha. but i think after i got back from the dentist, i went to sleep. but i dont really remember anymore...
alrighty so now we have 25th sunday. church!!! of course. havent been to oxygen in so long!!! haha missed it a lot! but yea, that sunday, i was talking to alice and some people about joining impact worship team. iono, i didnt wanna talk to nathan, cuz i was a bit nervous around him... but lillian told him that i needed to talk to him, so he came up to me like, "hey, so you needed to talk to me?" i was like uhhhh uhhh yea... but i got on =) it reminds me a lot of when i did worship at dcamp 3 years ago. anyways, ill be talking about that later. so i had my first worship meeting in SOOO long. my mom doesnt approve of me going to church as much as i want to and should... so i havent been doing worship at all... ugh but this summer, i think my mom's giving me some free time =) so we met up and discussed stuff. and daniel liu took me home (thanks so very much) then when i got home, i found a surprise. nancy's family was at my house!!! talk about long time no get together!! haha so we went out to eat after long beggings of going to the movies, but to no avail... we watched some you tube videos before that though. asian guys dubbing the backstreet boys... haha i have to admit they were good and pretty hilarious. so then we went to eat at chacho's!! it was good, except we had SOOO much leftover fajita stuff!!! i still remember when i ate at chacho's with jason tarn a few years back. brings back memories!! haha yay. then, we went home. im forgetting which days we went swimming, so ill be missing a lotta stuff... sigh ahh so i think i remember something else too. i think sunday was the day that i went to rina's house... to help move stuff... cuz she was planning on getting a home theater or something. theyre knocking down a wall in the house and building a new room. actually, i think this was saturday.. gosh i dont remember anymore. but i remember moving things from downstairs cuz they didnt wanna hurt anything while the wall was being knocked down. aha i remember!
now 26th Monday. omgosh i was supposed to go lasertagging and buca eating with chloe and them, but i found out that i had a doctors appointment that day... ugh made me very annoyed... but theres always next time... hopefully haha. so i go there, and he wants me to take 8 pills of pentasa a day instead of 6. it was supposed to be 9 (3 times a day, 3 pills after each meal) but since i wake up late and only eat 2 meals now... (bad bad...) he said 4 pills twice a day. eh, well not too bad. i... dont remember what else i did. ahh!! while writing the next paragraph, i remembered something so i came back. after that, rina and max came over, and i think we played either clue or scrabble first. but then max left early. so rina me and my sis played scrabble. so it was 11 PM and my mom was like, rina you have to go. but i was like, wait, almost done!! so shes like alright... but... we kept playing haha. that game ended at... 11 45-ish i dont remember. but we played another game. or, tried to. cuz at 12 45, we were so freaked out thinking my mom might come down that i walked rina home and never finished the game... scary... haha
now, the 27th, tuesday. yikes... im forgetting... ugh. but... i think my cousin took me out to the movies... oh yes, she did. we went to edwards and couldnt find the entrance... haha i remember doing that about 2 years ago when me and joehan went to the movies for saloni's bday party. i remember meeting julyann there and lauren was there too. ehh... awkward moments... but oh well. back then, we watched heroes. this time, we watched click!! it was a great movie. adam sandler really has great movies haha. then, me and elaine decided to play scrabble and ruin the game me and rina played. then my sister joined in on the 2nd game. scrabble takes a lot of time, but its worth it!! haha. then we watched videos on you tube for forever... haha it was... interesting. ahh so i remember what happened again while writing the next paragraph. well, i think this is the right day. me and joehan went swimming, and my cousin came in too, but with her clothes on... she didnt have her swimming suit haha. so we played vball in the pool. and, well i believe this was the day where my sister had gone out with her friends to shop... but iono if the times are correct cuz we came back from the movies at 5-ish... so iono... you know, im gonna ask her. alright i got it. so my sister on this day asked her friends monica and vinita to swim with us. she didnt go shopping, im making things up... bleh. so in the pool i was helping elaine spike and stuff. then WEDNESDAY was the day that i pulled elaine out, yeah everythings good now. shoot everythings wrong... ok, so sunday, we scrabbled with rina till 12 45, monday was when we went swimming with my cousin and joehan and i tought elaine how to spike, and tuesday was when i dragged elaine out to play vball cuz my mom got pissed over nothing. alright everythings good.
(((((alright, so now 28th, wednesday. i dont have anything written there on the calendar, but i think i can kinda remember what we did... i think what happened was my mom decided that she wanted to do what my aunt did and have us do 4 hours of homework a day. i was like WHAT?! YOUVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! so i got mad, and pulled my cousin out to play vball with me. i was teaching her and stuff. )))))
yea, that was a mistake... gosh my memory is horrible... that was LAST WEEK see what i mean... ok
so NOW 28th wednesday, i dont have anything on the calendar. i remember this was the day i slept at 10 30-ish cuz i was super bored. but... i didnt fall asleep till 4. oh j/k i remember what happened on this day. ugh. so my sister didnt wanna swim, and rina didnt wanna swim either. so max said alright, ill go. but rina was on the phone at the time with me, and i guess she gave him the wrong message, so he didnt show up... i ended up swimming by myself, for an hour... CRAP!!! I MESSED UP AGAIN!!! this happened on tuesday... ahh it was after vballing with elaine cuz i was sweaty and stuff. but no one wanted to swim... alright i remember now. ugh i hate my memory
NOW wednesday..so apprently i cant remember what happened this day and i keep remembering things that didnt happen on this day, but a different day... ok so im just gonna talk about what i certainly for sure remember... this day, i stayed up till 4 cuz i couldnt sleep. i listened to the radio till 12 while in bed, cuz i wanted to get used to listening to music while sleeping, but that obviously didnt work out. then at one, i got out of bed, got a bag of chips, and went outside to take a walk. then i came back. at 2 i got up again cuz i couldnt sleep, and i got on the comp till around 2 45. basically, the whole time i was looking through annie wang's facebook pictures, and seeing how much she's changed. well, heres the sentimental part. i doubt many of yall read this far, but those of yall who really did, i dont think i would not let yall know this anyways. so here goes. i began thinking about all the things i regret. looking at annie's pictures gradually brought back memories of what we did together before we drifted through their leaving the church and her leaving my piano teacher. i still remember practicing together at her house. and reading the xanga entries i wrote before, i remember playing "the swan" together with annie, and how david judged us and gave a 92. i still remember that. yesterday when i was reading that, it almost brought me to tears how i could forget about all of that. and super smash brothering with david and annie. and the time me and daniel lin begged our parents to let us stay at david's house after a potluck. i still remember. and then, how me and david used to play foosball together at church, how we used to be really competitive in things like cards (ERS, VC, stuff like that) and ssb. i still remember that. and how me and annie did worship team together and shared stage fright together at dcamp and on stage for our competitions in duet piano. scaramouche, brahms, malaguena. i still remember all of that. and then i remembered when i last saw them before they moved: david wang's farewell party, and joel's bday party. i still remember handing david his present and letter, and handing annie her letter and music that i returned to her. heartbreaking moments. guys, if by any chance yall are reading this... i really doubt it, cuz we havent talked in so long, please know that i really care about yall. i really dont know what happened between us, but we drifted. so fast that i began to forget everything we did together. did i really go to your house that many times? did we really used to be such good friends? i dont remember, but my xanga entries tell me that! please, david and annie, i really really feel so sorry. iono for what. but, sorry. i hate myself... for this. i regret not getting back with you guys. i still remember feeling so awkward around annie in the halls at school and when i gave her the letter. i remember i was talking to hope about how freaked out i was about it. guys, i miss yall so much. iono how close we used to be, or not close, but i miss yall a lot. so much. i wish i had done something about it before, but i didnt. and ill regret it forever. ok, well that wasnt all that happened wednesday night. trust me, i had a lot of time to think. i began thinking about jim in ny. jim, if youre reading this, im sorry. im so sorry that we've drifted. i miss you so much now, and im definitely mailing you a bday card this year. i regret all those times i felt i was too busy to call you. i regret all those times i felt i didnt wanna talk to you. i miss you so much now... and the sad thing is, i dont even remember what we used to do together, cuz you left before high school. my memory is fading. i hate my memory. i dont remember anything. but i do remember that we were best of friends. and i hope that remains forever so... then, i remembered evelyn. she left in april. but it feels like forever. evelyn, i dont know if you have xanga, but if you by any chance come across this, im sorry. for not calling you. i made a commitment to call you, and ive failed myself so many times. ive only called you once, i believe. i dont even have your number anymore. forgive me, biao mei. i really miss you though. then memories came flooding back to me with jason and theresa too. jason's helped me so much at dcamp. i remember crying in front of him for two of those years. he's such an awesome guy, and i miss him and theresa too. guys, iono if yall are reading this, but i miss yall so much. i regret not keeping in touch. maybe this summer ill be more productive and find time to really get back in touch with yall. i miss you guys. then, sam. i thought about all the times we spent together, on the bus, on the streets vballing, at cbc vballing, in the pool, at school, anything. i miss her a lot too. i know ill probably never see her again in my life, but i will forever remember her, no matter how poor my memory gets. thanks for making my life happier, sam. then, the breaking moment, i thought about joehan. she may be leaving me. forever. she might be moving. iono, it pains me. if you look through my xanga, shes everywhere in it. i love joehan. shes such a great friend to me. we've done way too much together to put into this entry. i love her so much, that it just made me cry in my bed. joehan, please dont leave. ill miss you way too much. way beyond imagination. i thought about all those times we've shared together. on a "date", vballing, swimming, talking, eating together, riding the bus together, sharing problems together, comforting each other, laughing together, getting mad at each other, running together. we've done so much. i cant imagine her leaving. the more i thought about it, the more i cried, the harder i cried. i havent cried in a while, but this night was moving for me. i just cant imagine joehan leaving. shes been with me for 4 years now, and i love her with all my heart. she doesnt know how much she means to me, so im planning on somehow letting her know sometime this week. i wanna let her know. sigh.. so i cried for about 30 minutes straight. then i guess i fell asleep after 4, cuz the last time i checked the clock was 4. haha by now, im sure none of yall are reading this, but its for me anyways, so it doesnt matter.
well the next day, 29th thursday, i dont remember much, besides vballing with bing and my sister again. joehan was supposed to come, but she couldnt make it at the last minute... =/ this time, no one was there!! when we showed up at cbc, all the chairs and tables were still there!! i was like whoa what happened?! but then, after about 20-ish minutes of waiting, people started showing up, so we set up the net and played for like 2 hours or so. it was a lotta fun. i miss exercising a lot. yea... i cant really remember much anymore cuz typing all that made me cry again... sigh
ok, now friday, 30th. this was music night for hcc!!! so me and my sis went to church at 5 30-ish, picked up by pastor ling. it was funny cuz me and my sis waited for 30 minutes for pastor ling to show up. and my sister was in her good clothes and all, it was funny cuz we kinda just sat there doing nothing... it was the longest time we've ever just kinda sat there and waited... haha. i had to play piano for the piano trio, accompany some violins, and accompany the fellowship orchestra, so it was a lotta fun rehearsing and all that stuff. everyone did so well!!! cindy gu's dancing was WONDERFUL i loved it a lot =) my mom had gotten mad cuz we didnt wanna eat there. i had so many rehearsals to go to, so i couldnt sit down and eat a dinner she packed, but we hadnt known that it was jack in the box!! if we had known, we wouldve chunked them down quickly haha.
ugh i hate it when i cant write details, but writing that long wednesday entry made me sad... so i cant think of details... sorry, future self when reading this
ok well saturday, volunteering. i believe this was the day henry called me from ny to talk. we talked for a long time, and elaine came to my house to eat pizza and stuff... haha. it was bacon... ehhh oh well. so my uncle took us to circuit city so we could get picked up by tracy shu to take us out to humble for volunteer service. at first, i didnt wanna go. oh right, theres a story to this too. so uyenanh and her boyfriend jason wanted to hang out with me this day at the galleria, so i had said ok!! but this volunteer thing came up... before... so my cousin was mad... so i ended up going to volunteer thing instead... gosh ive known jason for about 2 years now, and i STILL havent met him! hopefully we'll be able to meet some other day... anyways. so we drove out to humble, and got to the place, and guess who i saw there? candice, justin, naomi, vincent, and jerry!! they HAPPENED to be next door for paintballing! haha talk about a coincidence!! i also saw jessica wei there!!! haha havent talked to her in so long. so i cleaned up things, set up tables and the tablecloth. we had to sell snow cones, cotton candy, and fireworks. but i got lazy... haha. tracy ended up doing most of the work... sorry! the smoke was sooo strong... my lungs couldnt handle it, so i couldnt stay in one place... i had to keep moving around. there, i went on a human size hamster wheel thing!!! it was sooo fun!!! except i have a bruise on my shoulder now from falling... haha but that was alright. so we went to elaine's house afterwards and i slept over at her house. it was really funny cuz my dad had said on saturday after conrad's sleepover that i wouldnt be allowed anymore sleepovers this summer cuz i didnt call him and let him know... but oh well, my mom planned it haha. we watched like an hour of law and order. it was soooo interesting!! then we stayed up till 2-ish talking and playing with shadows lol. i havent played with shadows in years!!! but it was fun being a kid again haha
alright then july 2nd, sunday. i had to wake up at 7 to shower and have my aunt and elaine send me home so i could go to church. at church, since its the 1st sunday of the month, we went to english service, and i sat with rosanna!! then we had game time... cuz no one was there to lead anything... lol. but some of the adults made us watch a video. they lied that it would be 20 minutes... it was an hour long... but it was definitely a GREAT video about a testimony by a pastor. it was AMAZING. he was a poor kid. his mom had 5 kids and his dad was in prison. his mom sent them all to orphanages. so when he grew up, he wanted to leave, and he ran away. he grew up with bad friends and once, he accidentally killed one of his friends on the highway (car accident). and he was sent in jail. he also sold marawana (iono how to spell it haha) he hated god and everything. he knew about him cuz the orphanage was run by christians i think. but he hated god for ruining his life. but you see, he was living in a house where the guy had 12 POUNDS of marawana!! about two days after he was arrested, police raided the guy's house. so the guy was saved from more charges. from then on he loved god. it was a miracle to him. and a week later, he was released!! ok so i cant really explain how good it was... but it was really really good and moving haha. so sunday was supposed to be joehan's bday party-ish thing, but i decided to stay at church for worship practice and to arrive late for joehan's thing. we got music and practiced. it was really fun!!! man i miss leading worship sooo much. i hope i can do it more often next year. oh yea, and that day we also did a prayer wall poster for dcamp and impact. with naomi, vicky, and sana. it was pretty fun. then, daniel took me back home. and i found out that joehan cancelled her party thing, so i was glad i didnt miss the worship practice. so then i went to rina's house at 5-ish. we played clue, and then our family went out to eat. then, me and my sister stayed up till i think 4 playing cards and gameboy... lol bringing out the kid in me again haha. then we slept
alright monday the 3rd, getting into my memory range haha. i went shopping with my sister and her friend heidi at the first colony mall. bought a few shirts and cards for bdays haha. then, we went home, ate, and heidi and vinita came over to swim. i swam with joehan rina and max. joehan and rina talked the whole time while me and max just played by ourselves. then, rina max and joehan left, and i stayed by myself for a few minutes. then i went home with my sis heidi and vinita. i showered, then went to rina's house to play scrabble. my sis didnt go with me cuz she was at home with heidi and vinita. so we played scrabble without her. then joehan came at 10-ish. we stayed till around 12. i was surprised my mom didnt call or w/e. but yea then i walked home with joehan.
yay now today!! tuesday the 4th of july!! in the morning, we got up to go to my grandpas' graves. then me elaine my sis and my aunt went to eat at mcdonalds cuz nothing else was open. then we went to a one dollar movie theater after me and elaine kinda argued. i kept telling her not to hate people and stuff, it was kinda retarded... haha. but anyways, we watched MI 3!!! actually, elaine and my sis were in ice age 2. me and my aunt left cuz it was so retarded... so me and my aunt watched the whole MI 3. then we watched just my luck. it was a pretty good movie. but it was hilarious, cuz right after we watched it, we had horrible luck. our car didnt have enough batteries!! or, it wouldnt start. so a nice family helped us out with a jump cable. haha it was freaky though.. then when we got back, we had piano class!!! havent had that in so long. my teacher was like whoa when she saw my hair haha. then, we got home, ate, and then i started typing this loooooooong entry.
alright, thats the specific daily stuff, now for the not daily stuff
so im now on worship and registration team!! yay!!! vivian, jennifer chang, and rachel are on the registration team with me!!! wheeeeee. our jobs were to think of family names related to the topic "reconnected" man, its hard. my best one so far was prayer, or something like that (i know its not a family name haha) and maybe glue stick? or reunions haha
and im so happy this summer, now that im starting to email a whole lot of friends, and im so thankful that theyre replying too!!
kevin, uyenanh, molly, jennifer, charlotte, hmm i seem to be missing someone... well sorry if i missed you...
and worship this week on wednesday and saturday!!
ok ok well i think thats a long enough entry to keep whoever's reading this busy haha. thanks for reading if you really read it all. but again, its for my future self.
alright bye!!
younger self
jerms |
