Prayers Needed, Relapse and More Jeep Adventures

www.xanga.com/No_Longer_Bound

NOTE: Given the fact that my dear Elliott will no longer be driving the 38 car next year (possible even before the end of the year) I am going to start posting regularly on my other xanga http://www.xanga.com/No_Longer_Bound I still love ya Ell but how can I be a 38 freak if you're not driving?)

As happy as I am for Moo’s half sister, who is getting married this weekend, I am SSSOOO not looking forward to it. The days, weeks and months that will follow it. My daughter will see her dad (IF he shows to walk ‘Manda down the aisle) for the first time in well over a year and a half. She only saw him then because it was ‘Manda’s mom’s funeral. As of today, she has seen him once in three years and two months. She has only talked to him on the phone when she has called him.

I finally dealt with all my feelings towards him (as my ex) back in March of this year, before our Jamaica Mission. I can honestly say I forgive him and as a COG love him in the way I’m supposed too. I don’t like his past ways concerning us as husband and wife and right after our divorce, but with God’s help, I do love him. As Moo’s dad, I accept him for whom and what he is, but the human-parent side of me wants to rip his head off.

Up until a few weeks ago I guess I had my head in the sand about the effect his and Moo’s lack of a relationship was having on her. I thought she was dealing with things even though she tends to talk a lot about him around others who don’t really “know” him. I’ve never been so wrong in my life.

Seeing your own child in pain caused by another human being is the hardest thing I have had to endure to date. Knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to make things okay for her. No matter what I do, nothing can fix things. As hard as I have tried to make a better life for her, it still isn’t enough.

I have spent this week in prayer for wisdom, strength and courage not only for myself, but especially for my daughter. She is still in so much pain. Pains that after seeing him will only get worse. This is a road she has to travel without me. All I can do is be there with open arms and a loving heart.

It got me to thinking this morning. As much pain as I feel watching my daughter suffer, pain that closely resembles the pain I felt when my mother passed away. A deep, deep hurt. This pain no way compares to the pain God felt watching His Only Begotten Son die on the cross in order for us to live. Or even the pain He feels watching us, His children, hurt or go against His will. As much as I love my daughter, it too, in no way compares to the love God feels for us. I can’t even begin to grasp that. However knowing that does ease the burden of the past, present and future.

God, as your child and as a mother, I do the only thing in my power I can do. I give you my daughter. I know beyond doubt you will hold and protect her. I know beyond doubt only you can take her pain and turn it around into good. I know beyond doubt you will do these things because she was yours long before she became mine. I thank you Lord for another day sober. I ask you to please take away these feelings of “Why wasn’t/isn’t sobriety and the fact I got my daughter out of the home life she was in, enough”. God please give me a better understanding of things. Please guide my actions and words. Lord, you know the needs of my family. Needs I’m not even aware of yet. I ask these things in your name Lord. Amen.

Well, routine life has once again begun. Thank heavens! School is back in and what a mad house it was this morning! I have many mixed emotions as this school year begins. My baby isn’t much of a baby anymore. Try as I might, I can’t help but look ahead to next year. One more year then it is on to high school. When it comes to our children, where does time go? Sigh.

Doug’s job is going good. It is a big adjustment though. He has been used to working in a fast-paced environment and has had to gear down considerably. I will admit he has been quite funny to watch. Since he is driving further, he is now driving the car and the JEEP IS MINE!! Can you tell I’m excited? I’m still a tad rusty when it comes to a clutch, but I’m doing much better than I expected considering it’s been 25 years since I’ve driven one consistently. We went to the mall last Friday (I got Moo’s dress, which was originally $160 for $26!!!!) and I didn’t stall the Jeep once. As ill as I was with my parents back in my learning to drive days, today I am so thankful they made me learn to drive a stick.

I had to enforce my parental rights while we were out finishing up school shopping yesterday. Laying in bed last night thinking back over the incident, I heard this voice in my head say. “Excuse me … what about me? Do you not think that is how I feel at times?” God got me on that one. I’m guilty as charged. Copping an attitude with the Father. Turning my back and doing my best to ignore Him when I don’t get my way (especially when He has my best interest at heart). Not saying please and thank you as often as I should. Hmmm. I wonder … could there be a lesson here? Why do we get so upset with our children for not behaving as we expect them to, for not following “house rules”, etc., etc.? Where as adults, we might no longer answer to our earthly parents, what about our Heavenly Father? As Children of God, does the Bible not give us some “house rules”? Why is it we get so “earth focused” and forget our own “house rules”? Is this another case of “Do as I say, not as I do”?

Donna Fargo had a song that while I was growing up, I used to blast a certain verse praying my parents would hear it and “get it”. I guess now as a parent I need to "get it" myself. That verse is in red below: 

YOU CAN'T BE A BEACON IF YOUR LIGHT DON'T SHINE. 
YOU CAN'T BE A BEACON IF YOUR LIGHT DON'T SHINE. 
THERE'S A LITTLE LIGHT IN ALL OF US BY GOD'S DESIGN, 
BUT YOU CAN'T BE A BEACON IF YOUR LIGHT DON'T SHINE
 
HOW CAN YOU ASK FOR THE TRUTH, WHEN YOU DO NOT TRUTHFUL LIVE
HOW CAN YOU ASK FORGIVENESS WHEN YOU DON'T FORGIVE. 
I DON'T MEAN TO BRING YOU DOWN OR SPEAK TO YOU UNKIND 
BUT YOU CAN'T BE A BEACON IF YOUR LIGHT DON'T SHINE
 
HOW CAN YOU ASK A CHILD TO BE HONEST AND TRUE 
WHEN HE CAN ONLY JUDGE WHAT'S RIGHT BY WHAT HE SEES IN YOU. 
HOW CAN YOU OFFER VISION YET WALK AROUND BLIND. 
NO YOU CAN'T SEE A BEACON IF IT'S LIGHT DON'T SHINE
 
MAY GODS' LOVE SURROUND YOU MAY YOU FIND A BRIGHTER DAY. 
MAY HE GRANT YOU THE PEACE YOU SEEK IN EVERY WAY. 
GODS' LIGHT BURNS IN EACH LIFE YOURS AND MINE. 
YES YOU CAN BE A BEACON IF YOU'LL LET IT SHINE
 
Heavenly Father, You know what I lay before you. Your will not mine 
be done. Please help me with accepting Your will and give me 
strength to carry that will out. Thank you! I love you Daddy.

Again so much going on ... school starts back Monday which hopefully means more computer time for me. YEAH! Getting ready to go shopping for Moo a dress for her sister's wedding. I can't believe she is to be the maid of honor ... I have a real hard time looking at her and remembering she is only "almost 14". I was worrying about Moo and shoes (her towering over her sister), but then I remembered than Moo is much taller than Amanda with or without shoes. No way to avoid it unless Amanda wears stilts! Hard to believe her sister is old enough to be getting married. Amanda will be 22 in October. As hard of a life as Moo has had, her sister has had a much harder one. I wish she and I were closer but maybe in time and she deals and processes all she has lived through. I still think of her as my stepdaughter even though there is no connection now other than the connection her and Moo share.

It's been a rough summer. I just wish this past week had happened months ago. Things are not back to the way I wish they were, but things are out in the open and discussed ... meaning things are on the road to being better. As rough as things are/were we are on better ground than my mom and I ever were. That is a step in the right direction. This is ground never traveled for me and it is so hard because I have no experience to fall back on. God got us through the first part of the week and he will continue to guide us forward. I still stand by that if nothing else the legacy I leave will be turning those generational curses into blessings. It is one thing changing some of one's behaviors but things that have been ingrained for generation after generation, I feel at times like I'm beating a dead horse. HOWEVER, I do know faith and complete trust in the Lord is my salvation. By giving it to Him. if it is meant to be changed in my lifetime ... it will be changed.

I reread something in a book a blogging buddy sent me ... FINALLY a light went off. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

Please and Thank You, Lord.

So much going on ... we are supposed to meet with our contractor tonight. For a turn key job the price is about what I expected. Still almost caused me to have a heart attack when I heard the figure though. Doug started his new job today. School starts next week and so does my quest to find some sort of job. We might could make it but honestly I'm tired of endless nights of sleep worrying. Not to mention I think it would do me a world of good to get out of the house and out of myself!! Moo is old enough now a "stay at home" mommy isn't required. A luxury maybe but not a requirement.

I'm sure I'm not alone in when God wants to get our attention, everywhere we turn we hear the same message. My attitude came to light about a month ago ... The way I tend to limit God, a couple of weeks ago ... My inability to keep a commitment, last Thursday night. Well, when I dress for church on Sundays I always have the TV going with other morning services ... Joel Osteen has hit it right on the money more times than I can count and he did it again Sunday. His message was about us putting limits on God. Kingdom Connection came on after Joel and guess what the message was on ... commitment. (My attitude ties in with the both of them. Trust me.) Anyway, I feel God reaffirmed what I had already figured out about myself. Now I just have to get my rear in gear and start making changes. It all comes down to me getting out of the way of me. I need to stop trying to figure it all out on my own and go with what I know. Let God do the driving. I get SO mad at myself because I KNOW all this but yet I still turn around and become my own worst problem. Sometimes I feel I'm taking two steps forward and three steps back.

I don't know when, where or how I let things get so out of control. I think it is something that has been building for some time and has finally come to a head. Thank you Lord for making me aware of the problems. Today I accept them and plan to take action. One thing I know for sure ... I can't, God can and I think I'll let Him. It's time to let go or be dragged ...