NOTE: Given the fact that my dear Elliott will no longer be driving the 38 car next year (possible even before the end of the year) I am going to start posting regularly on my other xanga http://www.xanga.com/No_Longer_Bound I still love ya Ell but how can I be a 38 freak if you're not driving?)

As happy as I am for Moo’s half sister, who is getting married this weekend, I am SSSOOO not looking forward to it. The days, weeks and months that will follow it. My daughter will see her dad (IF he shows to walk ‘Manda down the aisle) for the first time in well over a year and a half. She only saw him then because it was ‘Manda’s mom’s funeral. As of today, she has seen him once in three years and two months. She has only talked to him on the phone when she has called him.

I finally dealt with all my feelings towards him (as my ex) back in March of this year, before our Jamaica Mission. I can honestly say I forgive him and as a COG love him in the way I’m supposed too. I don’t like his past ways concerning us as husband and wife and right after our divorce, but with God’s help, I do love him. As Moo’s dad, I accept him for whom and what he is, but the human-parent side of me wants to rip his head off.

Up until a few weeks ago I guess I had my head in the sand about the effect his and Moo’s lack of a relationship was having on her. I thought she was dealing with things even though she tends to talk a lot about him around others who don’t really “know” him. I’ve never been so wrong in my life.

Seeing your own child in pain caused by another human being is the hardest thing I have had to endure to date. Knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to make things okay for her. No matter what I do, nothing can fix things. As hard as I have tried to make a better life for her, it still isn’t enough.

I have spent this week in prayer for wisdom, strength and courage not only for myself, but especially for my daughter. She is still in so much pain. Pains that after seeing him will only get worse. This is a road she has to travel without me. All I can do is be there with open arms and a loving heart.

It got me to thinking this morning. As much pain as I feel watching my daughter suffer, pain that closely resembles the pain I felt when my mother passed away. A deep, deep hurt. This pain no way compares to the pain God felt watching His Only Begotten Son die on the cross in order for us to live. Or even the pain He feels watching us, His children, hurt or go against His will. As much as I love my daughter, it too, in no way compares to the love God feels for us. I can’t even begin to grasp that. However knowing that does ease the burden of the past, present and future.

God, as your child and as a mother, I do the only thing in my power I can do. I give you my daughter. I know beyond doubt you will hold and protect her. I know beyond doubt only you can take her pain and turn it around into good. I know beyond doubt you will do these things because she was yours long before she became mine. I thank you Lord for another day sober. I ask you to please take away these feelings of “Why wasn’t/isn’t sobriety and the fact I got my daughter out of the home life she was in, enough”. God please give me a better understanding of things. Please guide my actions and words. Lord, you know the needs of my family. Needs I’m not even aware of yet. I ask these things in your name Lord. Amen.