ima_38_freak's Xanga

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 13:54:46 GMT

Prayers Needed, Relapse and More Jeep Adventures

www.xanga.com/No_Longer_Bound

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 14:51:12 GMT

NOTE: Given the fact that my dear Elliott will no longer be driving the 38 car next year (possible even before the end of the year) I am going to start posting regularly on my other xanga http://www.xanga.com/No_Longer_Bound I still love ya Ell but how can I be a 38 freak if you're not driving?)

As happy as I am for Moo’s half sister, who is getting married this weekend, I am SSSOOO not looking forward to it. The days, weeks and months that will follow it. My daughter will see her dad (IF he shows to walk ‘Manda down the aisle) for the first time in well over a year and a half. She only saw him then because it was ‘Manda’s mom’s funeral. As of today, she has seen him once in three years and two months. She has only talked to him on the phone when she has called him.

I finally dealt with all my feelings towards him (as my ex) back in March of this year, before our Jamaica Mission. I can honestly say I forgive him and as a COG love him in the way I’m supposed too. I don’t like his past ways concerning us as husband and wife and right after our divorce, but with God’s help, I do love him. As Moo’s dad, I accept him for whom and what he is, but the human-parent side of me wants to rip his head off.

Up until a few weeks ago I guess I had my head in the sand about the effect his and Moo’s lack of a relationship was having on her. I thought she was dealing with things even though she tends to talk a lot about him around others who don’t really “know” him. I’ve never been so wrong in my life.

Seeing your own child in pain caused by another human being is the hardest thing I have had to endure to date. Knowing there is absolutely nothing you can do to make things okay for her. No matter what I do, nothing can fix things. As hard as I have tried to make a better life for her, it still isn’t enough.

I have spent this week in prayer for wisdom, strength and courage not only for myself, but especially for my daughter. She is still in so much pain. Pains that after seeing him will only get worse. This is a road she has to travel without me. All I can do is be there with open arms and a loving heart.

It got me to thinking this morning. As much pain as I feel watching my daughter suffer, pain that closely resembles the pain I felt when my mother passed away. A deep, deep hurt. This pain no way compares to the pain God felt watching His Only Begotten Son die on the cross in order for us to live. Or even the pain He feels watching us, His children, hurt or go against His will. As much as I love my daughter, it too, in no way compares to the love God feels for us. I can’t even begin to grasp that. However knowing that does ease the burden of the past, present and future.

God, as your child and as a mother, I do the only thing in my power I can do. I give you my daughter. I know beyond doubt you will hold and protect her. I know beyond doubt only you can take her pain and turn it around into good. I know beyond doubt you will do these things because she was yours long before she became mine. I thank you Lord for another day sober. I ask you to please take away these feelings of “Why wasn’t/isn’t sobriety and the fact I got my daughter out of the home life she was in, enough”. God please give me a better understanding of things. Please guide my actions and words. Lord, you know the needs of my family. Needs I’m not even aware of yet. I ask these things in your name Lord. Amen.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 13:31:58 GMT

Well, routine life has once again begun. Thank heavens! School is back in and what a mad house it was this morning! I have many mixed emotions as this school year begins. My baby isn’t much of a baby anymore. Try as I might, I can’t help but look ahead to next year. One more year then it is on to high school. When it comes to our children, where does time go? Sigh.

Doug’s job is going good. It is a big adjustment though. He has been used to working in a fast-paced environment and has had to gear down considerably. I will admit he has been quite funny to watch. Since he is driving further, he is now driving the car and the JEEP IS MINE!! Can you tell I’m excited? I’m still a tad rusty when it comes to a clutch, but I’m doing much better than I expected considering it’s been 25 years since I’ve driven one consistently. We went to the mall last Friday (I got Moo’s dress, which was originally $160 for $26!!!!) and I didn’t stall the Jeep once. As ill as I was with my parents back in my learning to drive days, today I am so thankful they made me learn to drive a stick.

I had to enforce my parental rights while we were out finishing up school shopping yesterday. Laying in bed last night thinking back over the incident, I heard this voice in my head say. “Excuse me … what about me? Do you not think that is how I feel at times?” God got me on that one. I’m guilty as charged. Copping an attitude with the Father. Turning my back and doing my best to ignore Him when I don’t get my way (especially when He has my best interest at heart). Not saying please and thank you as often as I should. Hmmm. I wonder … could there be a lesson here? Why do we get so upset with our children for not behaving as we expect them to, for not following “house rules”, etc., etc.? Where as adults, we might no longer answer to our earthly parents, what about our Heavenly Father? As Children of God, does the Bible not give us some “house rules”? Why is it we get so “earth focused” and forget our own “house rules”? Is this another case of “Do as I say, not as I do”?

Donna Fargo had a song that while I was growing up, I used to blast a certain verse praying my parents would hear it and “get it”. I guess now as a parent I need to "get it" myself. That verse is in red below:

YOU CAN'T BE A BEACON IF YOUR LIGHT DON'T SHINE.

THERE'S A LITTLE LIGHT IN ALL OF US BY GOD'S DESIGN,

BUT YOU CAN'T BE A BEACON IF YOUR LIGHT DON'T SHINE

HOW CAN YOU ASK FOR THE TRUTH, WHEN YOU DO NOT TRUTHFUL LIVE

HOW CAN YOU ASK FORGIVENESS WHEN YOU DON'T FORGIVE.

I DON'T MEAN TO BRING YOU DOWN OR SPEAK TO YOU UNKIND

BUT YOU CAN'T BE A BEACON IF YOUR LIGHT DON'T SHINE

HOW CAN YOU ASK A CHILD TO BE HONEST AND TRUE

WHEN HE CAN ONLY JUDGE WHAT'S RIGHT BY WHAT HE SEES IN YOU.

HOW CAN YOU OFFER VISION YET WALK AROUND BLIND.

NO YOU CAN'T SEE A BEACON IF IT'S LIGHT DON'T SHINE

MAY GODS' LOVE SURROUND YOU MAY YOU FIND A BRIGHTER DAY.

MAY HE GRANT YOU THE PEACE YOU SEEK IN EVERY WAY.

GODS' LIGHT BURNS IN EACH LIFE YOURS AND MINE.

YES YOU CAN BE A BEACON IF YOU'LL LET IT SHINE

Heavenly Father, You know what I lay before you. Your will not mine

be done. Please help me with accepting Your will and give me

strength to carry that will out. Thank you! I love you Daddy.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 13:27:24 GMT

Again so much going on ... school starts back Monday which hopefully means more computer time for me. YEAH! Getting ready to go shopping for Moo a dress for her sister's wedding. I can't believe she is to be the maid of honor ... I have a real hard time looking at her and remembering she is only "almost 14". I was worrying about Moo and shoes (her towering over her sister), but then I remembered than Moo is much taller than Amanda with or without shoes. No way to avoid it unless Amanda wears stilts! Hard to believe her sister is old enough to be getting married. Amanda will be 22 in October. As hard of a life as Moo has had, her sister has had a much harder one. I wish she and I were closer but maybe in time and she deals and processes all she has lived through. I still think of her as my stepdaughter even though there is no connection now other than the connection her and Moo share.

It's been a rough summer. I just wish this past week had happened months ago. Things are not back to the way I wish they were, but things are out in the open and discussed ... meaning things are on the road to being better. As rough as things are/were we are on better ground than my mom and I ever were. That is a step in the right direction. This is ground never traveled for me and it is so hard because I have no experience to fall back on. God got us through the first part of the week and he will continue to guide us forward. I still stand by that if nothing else the legacy I leave will be turning those generational curses into blessings. It is one thing changing some of one's behaviors but things that have been ingrained for generation after generation, I feel at times like I'm beating a dead horse. HOWEVER, I do know faith and complete trust in the Lord is my salvation. By giving it to Him. if it is meant to be changed in my lifetime ... it will be changed.

I reread something in a book a blogging buddy sent me ... FINALLY a light went off. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

Please and Thank You, Lord.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 17:53:38 GMT

So much going on ... we are supposed to meet with our contractor tonight. For a turn key job the price is about what I expected. Still almost caused me to have a heart attack when I heard the figure though. Doug started his new job today. School starts next week and so does my quest to find some sort of job. We might could make it but honestly I'm tired of endless nights of sleep worrying. Not to mention I think it would do me a world of good to get out of the house and out of myself!! Moo is old enough now a "stay at home" mommy isn't required. A luxury maybe but not a requirement.

I'm sure I'm not alone in when God wants to get our attention, everywhere we turn we hear the same message. My attitude came to light about a month ago ... The way I tend to limit God, a couple of weeks ago ... My inability to keep a commitment, last Thursday night. Well, when I dress for church on Sundays I always have the TV going with other morning services ... Joel Osteen has hit it right on the money more times than I can count and he did it again Sunday. His message was about us putting limits on God. Kingdom Connection came on after Joel and guess what the message was on ... commitment. (My attitude ties in with the both of them. Trust me.) Anyway, I feel God reaffirmed what I had already figured out about myself. Now I just have to get my rear in gear and start making changes. It all comes down to me getting out of the way of me. I need to stop trying to figure it all out on my own and go with what I know. Let God do the driving. I get SO mad at myself because I KNOW all this but yet I still turn around and become my own worst problem. Sometimes I feel I'm taking two steps forward and three steps back.

I don't know when, where or how I let things get so out of control. I think it is something that has been building for some time and has finally come to a head. Thank you Lord for making me aware of the problems. Today I accept them and plan to take action. One thing I know for sure ... I can't, God can and I think I'll let Him. It's time to let go or be dragged ...

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 16:31:38 GMT

Sigh ... more school shopping to do. I used to enjoy it. Now it's just full of "attitude" and I always come home with a headache and my own attitude!

God has been speaking (maybe shouting is the better word) these last few days. Some changes for myself are definately in order. Unlearning behavior isn't exactly the way to put it. Maybe finding a balance somewhere ... I don't know. God is definately going to have to be in the driver's seat on this one. The good thing is there is no way I can try to take control, because I'm totally clueless in how to achieve what needs to be achieved. I do know the path is right though. Signs are popping up everywhere this last week.

I am so glad school starts in a week. I so need the alone time with God. I've allowed myself to slip so far backwards ....

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 14:30:13 GMT

Well, Paulding County is back in the news. This time it's murder. silvercomettrailmurder Murder in a place most everyone "thought" safe. Murder that happened not far from my home. I just don't understand people who think this way. I've been mad enough before to think some pretty bad thoughts, but murder? I just don't understand what could make a person snap like that. Especially where a stranger is involved. Anywoo, it's going to make me rethink walking the trail w/o Doug along. I prefer walking around town anyway. The trail is flat where you have some hills in town.

What happened to our once upon a time one red light county? Years and years of trying to meet the needs of all of folks moving out of Atlanta into the suburbs ... all in the name of progress. Yeah right!

Our contractor called last night with a price ... talk about heart failure. We are meeting with him either tomorrow night or Monday evening to break things down. Is it worth the cost to have things completely finished in 6 to 8 weeks? My heart says yes ... my head says let's think this through. Actually I'm not really surprised at the bid. In fact, if it had been higher I still wouldn't have been surprised. My hubby on the other hand ...

Tonight is our first team meeting for the Emmaus Walk I'm working in September. Thank goodness all the meetings are here at Hope! Please keep everyone in your prayers. From the pilgrims to the workers.

I'm thankful for all that has been revealed due to my crazy thinking. God has shown me more about myself in the last couple of weeks than He has in a very long time. Things I already knew but were to blind to accept. It is so amazing how we can mess things up so bad but God can take that mess and turn it into something beautiful. I am my own worst problem ... I stay stuck on stupid instead of dumbing down things. I heard a saying at a meeting yesterday that I really like ...

God answers prayers but I have to do the praying.

Faith without works is dead.

EDIT: Hair appointments today ... Trim for me but Moo got ALL of her's cut off! Her hair now hits the top of her shoulder!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 14:27:20 GMT

Interesting weekend. In no particular order … we got rain!! Real rain. Lots of it in a short time but it was SSOOO needed. My poor yard has been given new life. Temps finally are back in the 80’s. Not sure how long it will last but I’m happy with what we get. Who would ever thought 80’s would be comfortable?

Got a phone call from a church member over the weekend. Talk about mouth hitting the ground … Anywoo, I promised to do meetings with her. She picked up a white chip yesterday. I was so proud. This was another case of “not really” knowing someone. I totally thought this person had it all together. It took a lot of courage for her to pick up the phone. Admitting you have a problem is half the battle won. Sometimes at times, I think I’m to open with that part of my life, but it’s times like these that make me glad I am.

Had some sort of stomach bug Sunday. It messed up plans that night but I’m so glad it hit when it did and not that morning. Doug got hit with it yesterday. Moo wasn’t around most of the weekend so hopefully she’s safe.

After two years and no flat tires from all the construction going on at our house, our luck has changed. Doug’s went flat Thursday while we were at his parents and mine was flat yesterday morning. We both had the same type of screw in our tires. Guess I need to look over the driveway and see if I can locate the source. I ended up walking to the meeting yesterday!! Even hit the grocery store on the way back. That is my plans today also. Doug put the spare on last night when he got home from work so I’ll drop it off at the tire place, walk on to my meeting then pick it up on the way back. I felt so good when I got back home yesterday. I’m using this as baby steps to get me back into walking again. I’ve been using the heat as an excuse. Give me an inch … I’ll take a mile!

I’m “trying” something new on (for me anyway). I’m going to do my best to say what I mean and not keep things in. If something is going on, physically, mentally or spiritually, instead of trying to cope or deal with it myself, I’m hoping I can learn to reach out to others. I skim the surface with what might be going on, but when it’s stuff that matters I tend to keep it to myself and try to deal with it on my own. I’m driving myself crazy by doing that and I have to many people who love me for me to try and tackle life myself. Whew … I said it … now let’s see if I can do it!

EDIT: Double dipping with meetings today! This will be the first evening meeting other than b'day nights that I've been to years! I'm actually looking forward to it. Friend said yesterday went well for her and she was in great spirits this afternoon. I'm so glad and pray she continues on this road. Newcomers have no idea just how they help the folks who've been in the rooms a few 24 hours. Another newcomer came in today at the noon meeting. She is about 20 and is court ordered. She talks like she actually believes she is an alcoholic which means this girl just might have a chance. So many at that age come with attitudes and have no actual desire to get sober or clean. They just come because they are made too. I so wish I had had even a hint of a clue at the age. I just had no clue alcoholism had no age limit. I would love to think that maybe, just maybe had I had that knowledge I might have gotten sober sooner. That is the reason I think it is so important that young people today be aware of ALL the dangers. Addiction doesn't care if you are 13 or 43. It can bite you in the butt at any age w/o knowledge until it's to late and you're hooked. I don't work much with newcomers because I don't attend meetings regularly anymore. However, these last couple of days have done me a world of good. I have so forgotten the principles that got me sober ... Boy, I stated that one wrong! They didn't get me sober. God did. The principles taught me how to live sober. What I've forgotten and what I meant to say was the fact of how those principles apply to EVERY part of my life not just my sobriety. I'm experiencing what Tommy calls the sloped head syndrome. I keep slapping my forehead and saying ... "DUH!"

It's raining again!!! Thank you Lord!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 17:24:33 GMT

Well, it's hard to be a 38_freak when my driver is no longer driving the 38 car ... 38 = the one and only, Elliott Sadler ...

I will say I think Ell is making a good move whether he might wind up. To bad M&Ms is locked in with RYR until 2008. Sigh. No more Candyman.

For once my procrastination is a good thing. Being the NASCAR fan I am, I wanted a NASCAR room somewhere in my house. I'm SSSOO glad I haven't gotten around to painting M&Ms all over my laundry room wall ... I just hope Ell's new sponsor next year is something cool and something I might consider having in the house ... Sigh ... the M&Ms were so cute. Especially the green female one. Oh well!

Doug starts his new job one week from this coming Monday!!! YES! Insurance will be in effect 30 days following that. Since it will only be 30 days instead of the usual 90, I decided to wait on going to the doctor. It may be a decision I regret but I don't think so. I just don't want to open a can of worms I can't get the lid back on. I think all is going to be okay. I think this is just one of God's gentle nudges to open my eyes and get my head out of the sand. Now that we are going to have awesome insurance, it's just God pushing me to do what I should have already done. Sadly, I will admit I am a stubborn fool at times and require a knock up side the head in order to get my attention. My attention has been gotten.

As as far the crazy promise I made to myself ... if it was only me I had to think about, well, I might have been able to pull it off. However I have more than just me to think about ... At the time, the promise seemed so selfless and doable for all the miracles God has done in my life, but again, I have more than just me to think about. My life before turning back to Christ was one thing. Today is a different story. God has plenty of room for all my prayers and He won't think less of me if some of those prayers are for myself. My thoughts were to give back a small portion of what He has given me, but I've come to realize it doesn't quite work the way I have things figured out in my head. I can't give back the way I would like to when I'm not 100% in the game. However, in all this craziness with where my emotions have been these last few weeks (especially the last one), I'm actually glad things have played out the way they have. What I've learned about God, my Savior and myself has been VERY valuable. I love learning all I can when it comes to that. God and I have spent some AWESOME time together this last week. I have felt His presence in an incredible way. Sometimes it just takes getting me out of the way.

I love you Lord. Thank you for everything! Whatever lies ahead I know through You, it is all good! Thank you!

Hands of Hope Photos

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 13:51:55 GMT

Here is just a portion of the Hands of Hope photos ... The job site you see below is the site Doug and I helped on, Tallatoona Head Start.

The Lunch of Champions ... PB&J

The reason we didn't finish and have to go back ... 4 baby birds born the day before we started

Chow line A little Praise and Worship

The rest are random shots ... some working, some sleeping on the job, some during worship time and some just pure silliness!!!

Good Job Students and many thanks to all who played a role in Hands of Hope 2006!!