So, its been a freakishly long time since I've been here...I guess addictions never stop.  So its been 2 years since I met Alex and a wave of nostalgia is hitting me...there was something about him that I'm so appreciative of, and so goddamn thankful for meeting.  Of course he had flaws, but what I think happened was, I was able to formulate more clearly what sort of man I'm willing to be with and how picky it has made me.  I am so grateful to him for that. 

I've also been super procrastinator about writing that goddamnmotherfucking medical essay.  Why? Why could that possibly be so hard?? Because its the last fucking step before I get into med school.  And anyway everything up to this point has had so much weight, so much pressure placed on me, that I couldn't imagine this being any easier. 

Which brings me to the point that I've learned so so so much from Ayn Rand's books The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.  I'm not even finished with Atlas Shrugged (1069 pages), but I've already tried to incorporate into my life the principles of living, really living for one's self on earth.  Of developing an ability so desperately needed on earth...but what? I suppose I haven't found that particular answer yet, but I know for sure that entering medicine is the path.  I love the field of medicine so much, I've invested so many years, so many tears...(just kidding, that just rhymed).  But of every patient I have met so far, haven't I already treated them like a patient of mine? Wasn't I myself thrilled when I made the spinal bifida baby's foot move? And the mom freaked because he actually had feeling and thanked me until I walked out?  What about that 20 yr old couple with the new baby whom I observed so intently and alerted the nurses to his temperature drop? They said I saved his life! WTF?! But seriously, these were the moments I knew that I'd rather not let my abilities be wasted in continued search, but in the hospital, figuring out how to save children.  Children are the most innocent beings, with no say in whether they wanted to come into this earth or not.  Who's to deny them care: poor parents? Medicaid?! I may be cornering myself, but I wouldn't be truthful if I didnt upfront say I'm getting into this field for those who cannot have possibly asked for the situations they have befallen, and to help them make it out as comfortably as possible (the hospital, or of this life).  Unfortunately the reality of it is, life is so freaking transient.  How can one minute be wasted on pain, on physical suffering? Fuck, that's really messed up.

I've noticed the most complicated cases happen because of brain complications.  Isn't there more brain research needed, to figure out who is normal and who is not? Take meanie little Zach for example.  Asshole of a kid, but its not personal.  He hates the world, period.  Everyone in it...and any authority, he'll spit in their face if he can.  He frightens me, but I think I had to meet him for a reason.  He's called me bad names, and pissed me off more than any one kid has...but why? Why is he so angry?  His testosterone levels must have peaked, or maybe he has Klienfelter's XXY?  But he's not big.  Anyway, I realize that I'm always looking for an objective answer to all life's questions.  He doesn't hate me, his character has just been beaten so badly *based on his asshole personality* that he will take it out on everybody.  He looks savage, too.

Anyway, I've noticed how well I already fit into the medical community, and what a wrong it would be to not let me in based on somebody else's better organic chemistry grades.  I've got more medical ability than all of them, and its only shone recently when I've been submersed in the Medical Center. 

There is no such thing as life and work separately for me.  I am going to be that doctor who's always on call, just so more people will be able benefit from my ability of medicine.  Not freeloaders, but the specific demographic I have previously mentioned.  I can see why Dr. House gets so easily frustrated...with lying patients and incompetent doctors/nurses, those who separate life from work...I dont know maybe I'm too obsessed...but maybe that's my ticket in.  These days the competition has gotten so bad I can't think properly...and its all in my head.

Prema

Prema ante amiti?  Manasa lo anukunte chala bhadha anipisthundi.  Evaru naa bhakthudu?  Aa Long gada? Cha.  Vaadiki amiti thelusu, prema gurinchi?  Asalu dhinimaedha anduku time wasteu?  Adho, oka telugu vadini chaskunte bauntundi ani adho chatha chatha ideas ochasthunai.  Anduku?!

For my telugu friends...

So of course I get inspired to blog because Archie has updated her LJ.  Interesting how I follow the crowd.  Or just my favorite person in the crowd.

So what can I say.

As of late, I've been having mood swings like I can't even describe.  Last week, because of my period, messing up my Pyrosequencer run, and getting yelled at by daddy to make a Plan after which I didn't talk to him for the rest of the week and a half, I am feeling so content today.  Oddly.

Who knows it may have to do with the contentment of working in Versalovic's Baylor Pathology lab at Texas Children's.  He seems to inspire me to try to get into Baylor Med.  Which of course I never considered before.  Or maybe the content feeling happened because of the awful adrenaline rushes I was getting while running PCR and pyro, because of my utter fear of messing up.  Hmm.

My Baylor MD/PhD friend is really wonderful.  He selflessly gives of his time and efforts to run his non-profit organization in Africa and Haiti, on top of studying for Qual exams and raising mice to collect data.  I barely have 5 minutes to rub together, I can't imagine how much less time he's got.  So I took him some pumpkin pie to remind him of the holidays and how people really are celebrating Christmas and being joyful.  He couldn't thank me enough.  It wasnt great pie or anything, just pumpkin.

So I've been getting that peace feeling of knowing I'll get into medical school.  Just like that feeling that you JUST KNOW.  You don't have any proof.  Just know. 

Medical Center is really lovely.  Those gorgeous buildings, knowing the new personalized medicine Baylor genomic hospital is going up.  Just having that "I know I'll be there soon" feeling.

Alright so I'm obsessed, but its hard to have other things on your mind when you see your future everyday, instaed of in a crystal ball, in real life.

Vindicated

Vindicated
I am selfish I am wrong
I am right I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it along

I am flawed but
I'm cleaning up so well...

Hope
Dangles on a string
Like slow spinning Redemption...

I want to move out so badly, I don't know why suddenly this feeling has hit me.  Maybe that I am being so babied that I dont understand the ways of the world and its so frustrating...Unfortunately I really am at such a naieve age that it is uneccesary for me to move out and live alone...unless I was in college.  But I'm not.  The dichotomy kills me.  Cruel cruel dichotomy. 

Currently Listening Vindicated By Dashboard Confession see related

THE MCAT IS OVER!

so, i'm finally done with the MCAT.  i was very serious about it this time.  dear God, I hope you can hear me...please let my score be fantastical.  I worked very hard.

Every few months, I pause to marvel at the constant change that takes place within me.  The only thing constant, for me, is you guys.  Although you I am sure are going through changes in your own life, we do not live in the same brain, the same family...nor the same city.  We have entirely different lives that revolve around different axes.

So what am I saying?  haha...wouldn't I like to know.  I do know though, that I love my family more than I ever have before.  I appreciate their constancy.  Making and breaking friendships is such an unfortunate reality for me, its the norm.  I hate it, but I am afraid of making new friends.  Afraid of commitment.  At least I used to be.  I realized Im really not afraid of much.  Maybe death.  And getting caught doing something naughty by my parents.  But otherwise, if you are standing by me, whether or not we are bff's for life (like archie, of course) and in the same place enjoying each other's company...If I get to see you once, and we bungee jump together that once...its good enough for me :)

I really have no idea what htat post was about.