I...............

Am Alive! Ain't it amazing? So I thought I'd post on here, cause it's good to write, and it's good to get stuff out ya know?

Ah the smell of confusion, you'd think I'd be used to it by now. You think I'd be able to say see ya later, I'm getting on another boat and leave it in the dust. You'd think I'd be grown up by now to not get tangled in a crush that chokes me, with a guy I can't even speak too..right? I'm wrong again I suppose.  And whats even more stupid is I find myself liking other guys, but still I like him more, more and more. And I can't say more than hi to him. Why, why do I like him. Do I just think he's cute, or I like him for what I know of him. Sigh, I wish I could turn of my emotions, and just live life. He seems to be stuck in my head, and he's very content to stay there. Oh and what makes it even more confusing, lets not forget about the infinite (name here)! Why won't he leave my mind, I don't know him, I never will. Me and him will never happen, so why doesn't he just leave! Ok sorry, like I said I'm trying to get some stuff out. But it seems like it's the same junk I had in my life when I was 13. I'm almost 16 now. I need to like someone because I know them, because I love the way they make me feel when they talk to me, not just the glimpse of hope I get when they stand near me. Or if they perhaps have to ask  me a question sets me in over drive. I'm tired of all this crap I put upon myself with liking guys for all the wrong reasons.  I can't even talk to guys, not even my guy friends that I could never think any other way than just friends. My mind just seems to go blank, and I just babble, or not say anything, and why. I'm not depressed anymore, I have no reason to be shy. I like myself alright now, and I don't think I'm the most awful person in the world. So why does this new confidence only show up when I'm with girls? And why do I have this new feeling of wanting to be alone more often now. Or at lest alone with a close friend. I find myself being able to talk to people..mostly girls, but people; but instead of running with that I run off with Lucy or Olivia or myself and I feel happiest there. Why do I feel happy alone? And yet long for a boyfriend? I need to engrave into myself, all you need now is God. I need to spend more time with God, and reading the Bible and praying, and worshipping. I am truly only happy when I do. And right now I'm doing ok. I'm so thankful to God right now that he's gave me all this happiness, all I want to do is praise him. But what happens when something goes wrong? Am I going to go back. Will the next guy I like that doesn't like me crush me like it used to do so stupidly, or will I be able to hold on to Jesus's word that I don't have to be trapped by depression anymore. It all comes down to me trusting in God, but I really would like that significant other in my life. I guess everyone truly longs for that. But I want someone to think I'm pretty, to tell me I'm not such an awful mean person, and that I'm not weird. That being the way I am isn't to guyish..I truly want that. And I can hear God's voice in my heart telling me just that, and I believe him..but still, why isn't that enough? Why do I still long for a guy to think I'm lovely, and think I'm beautiful. Why does ever guy that doesn't think that devastate me and make me cry and hate myself all over again. That is the question of my life I suppose, why. And what right do I have to ask it. My life is all right, it's better than a lot of people have it. I try to make people feel sorry for me one minuet, and the next make them believe I don't want a boyfriend. Where is the in-between? Were is the happy medium? I just want to feel like a guy will like me past the first meeting, cause I never seem to get past that. Either theres something about me he doesn't like, or I just can't talk to him. I don't know why I am feeling like this, I should be able to live with God alone right now, because he is everything but no, I have to want a boyfriend, I have to want something more.

Confusion and questions of why,
Never answered,
Never loved.
Wanting that feeling,
The feeling of beauty.
Never going to find it,
Never, Locked, it is not yours to hold.

I guess all this long post is trying to say is, I'm sorry if I ever try to make you feel sorry for me. There is no reason to feel sorry for me. And also, I really want a boyfriend, but I have no idea why. And it's not like the guys are lining up anyways....There I go again, pitting myself..I'm kind of..stupid.