Yay!
A year has passed..  well, more than a year.  And i felt like writing here.  My main one was getting a bit wordy and i don't really like my posts to be too long....  so i'll use this as overflow.

i think in some ways i've hit some sort of depression.  i doubt i'd ever fall into this deep, clinical depression just because it just doesn't feel natural to be that sad.  Maybe it's some sort of religiousness or something that'll keep me from ever losing complete faith in life or something, but yeah....  i just don't feel happy.  There's very little in my day-to-day life that is very much worth living.  i don't have any job satisfaction.  Work.. is work.  i mean, no matter how important it is supposed to be i don't see the value in it myself.  The fact that i see so little importance in it in the grand scheme of things and how the people i hate at work seem to love it so much just makes it worse.  Also the fact that i can't seem to truly connect with anyone here.  i guess it's fine by normal standards, but nowhere near the level of friendship i've come to be used to from back home.  And maybe that's just racism because all the people here are non-Korean for the most part.

i don't know...  i mean, it's strange...  when i was back home in GA, things were getting to be a little too comfortable and i had to get out.  And so i just impulsively signed up for the AF.  i don't think the AF was the worst idea i could've had, but it was definitely not the best.  But we make do with the hand we are dealt... or whatever.

Also the feelings and thoughts i have of certain people have changed significantly over the years, and it's kind of made me sad.  Like..  it's known that if you're away from a group of people long enough... change will occur and it'll just be a series of randomly abrupt changes that you'd never see coming until it comes to the point where you really don't connect with them like you used to.  And so, where does that leave me?  i don't know anyone anywhere anymore.  It's like everyone's this new person with these new priorities and i'm just trying to find some way to reconnect.  Some way to be back to how it was.  Where i don't have to use MySpace or Facebook or Xanga to try and communicate with them.  Quick little snippets to avoid the fact that i have nothing else to say.

There was this one person (a female) that did a really nice gesture for me one time like..  6-7 years ago.  She's extremely bright, funny, whatever.  i had a girlfriend at the time, but i would treat this other girl somewhat better occasionally.  And i didn't think about it.  It was just how it was.  She did something for me that just blew me away with its simplicity and effort.  And so i could never repay her.  And i never thought of her as more than a friend.  But now...  i can't talk to her.  i don't feel any bond with her.  Like some vested interest as a person, but she's too different.  And it's frustrating because even though there isn't that bond of really close friendship... i feel like i have to prove something to her.  i mean, i'd like to be close, but it just doesn't seem like it'll happen.  Is it really friendship when you're constantly trying to show that you're not an idiot?

i'd like to think that my relationship with people isn't based on geographical closeness.  That the only reason i'm nice to someone or hang out with someone is because they're there and i'm there.  There's gotta be more to it than that.  Maybe that's why i can open up more freely with the people from Marietta.  Because so much of who i am is already understood.  They know my history.  They know i'm Korean and yet i suck with the culture and language.  They know i'm SDA and all that entails.  They just know me for me.  Here.. it's like everyone puts on a face.  Some "i'm cool" face.  And anyone who knows me...  i don't exude "i'm cool".  i'm more of a "uh.. i'm goofy, man.  Sorry" attitude.  It really doesn't mesh well unless we're all drunk.  And i don't wanna be drunk for things to be "ok".

But yeah, so this is a bit of a rambling post.  i just miss too much.  And i really chalk it up to the fact that i haven't been home in 8 months and i probably won't for another 4 at the way things are going.  To think i've been away from home for a whole year makes me feel so crappy.

When someone puts themself online, it always has to be about strength or some spin on weakness.  It's never just...  bleh, here's how i feel right now.  Here's what i'm thinking.  i don't want to have to put up something quirky and humorous because my life isn't really like that all the time.  Sure, sometimes... but it's just not always like that.  And is it some sort of pathetic cry for attention to post all this stuff?  Not really..  i just want to write.  And the fact that i do it online is to leave it fairly open.  Like here's this Jonathan guy.  He's not all mopey and pathetic most of the time, but he has his moments where he's human.  Where maybe someone who feels like he's in some weird deserted island with work, a gas station, and a grocery store.  Imagine being out in the world.  Before finishing college.  Not knowing anyone and moving out into some God forsaken city.  Not having the money or freedom to visit people when you want.  How much fun and happiness would there be in your life?  i don't want to put this whole "look how bad i've got it" situation thing in anyone's face, but just for some perspective.

i really do have this new appreciation for the people that still make cameos in my life.  It makes those trips home much better and makes the time i've got much more precious.  There's just so much more that makes sense.  Like how some things require so little actual time and effort, but mean so much to some people.  For instance, going to school.  So little time actually goes into it in the grand scheme of things.  Like helping out at church.  Spending time with people that don't have a lot of people to spend time with.  Cherishing the moments with friends and family that will pass by in the blink of an eye.  Whether it's eating a meal and BS'ing, or sitting quietly together during a sermon or bowing your heads concertedly in prayer.  Visiting grandparents that you can't understand even though they live like 2 hours away.  Everything is just..  easy.  And if i go back home with that.. if i just remember to try and make the best of what time i have left... it'll make the 6 years in the AF totally worth it.  It will have still saved me 12 years of heartache and regret.

So, every now and then some time comes where i just think deeply and then dramatize everything.  Everything will be fine.  Everything is currently fine.  i guess it always is in the cosmic sense of things.  i guess i just realize i don't have a significant identity outside of my friends and to see them all scatter like chaff... it's just all too revealing how much i cling to them to tell me who i am.  i'm not really one to just be all independent and survive alone.  Sure, it's possible, but is that a life worth living if you can't share it with someone?  i sometimes re-read what i write and wonder if i sound as lame and powerless as i feel in retrospect.  But in principle, it's still all very true to me.  The basics still exist:  i can breathe on my own, but what's life without people to enjoy it with.  i can smile on my own, but where's the joy if i never see one myself?  i can hear, but what's the point if i no one will make the music or tell me the joke?

Anyway, life is fine.  It's.. illuminating.  i'll go to work.  i'll visit friends.  i love it.  As long as all my friends and family don't all get destroyed in some hellish war, i should be ok.