imjonk's Xanga

Monday, October 23, 2006

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 07:52:07 GMT

Ok, Wifey
It can't be helped. i'm surrounded by too many married couples to not think about marriage.

Now, it's not like i have this dream of a fancy wedding. Or riding a tandem bike with my wife through a park. It's just the thought of being married. Like what would it be like?

Who do you get married to? Is it someone who fits most into the dream girl mold you have? Someone that actually tolerates you (and heaven forbid.. likes you) for more than 20 minutes? Or is it someone who likes the same taste in TV shows as you so you can watch TV together forever? i don't really get it. Maybe it's confusing to me because for 17-odd years, i assumed my parents were happy together and then next thing you know they were divorced. So all that i thought i knew no longer stood true.

Then i think of even further in the future with kids. i work with some older people. People old enough to be my parents.. or even older. So they tell me stories about their daughters and sons in college and it kind of blows my mind. Like i'm sure that i'll get married somewhere along the road unless i'm more repulsive than i think i am. So, i'll probably have kids. And those kids will be going to college. It kind of makes you think. Like will i be as.. weird as i am now? Will i be posting on Xanga about how my kid is going to an out of state school and it makes me sad? Hmm....

It's weird though because it looks like the older you get... the more compromises you make because the more desperate you get. i guess that's the consequence of marrying late. Your selection starts to get a little thin. But the positive is that your competition gets a little weaker too. Though that's also a bad thing.. you become more of a "oh well, i suppose i could do worse" or "i'm not getting any younger" candidate.

All i know is that if i have kids. i'm going to take lots of pictures. i like looking at old pictures. But me having kids? That's just scary.

Enough about that though. Thinking about marriage is weird. It's like one of those inevitable things, but i'm not really at a point in my life where it's realistic. Heck, i'm not even with someone. So why bother thinking about it too much? Plus the more i talk about it.. the more people will think i'm like getting the marriage bug or whatever and it's bad enough when your mother and her friends get wind of that.

i don't get headaches very often. Whenever i do, it really really sucks and i always feel like i have brain cancer. It's so irrational, but i can't help it. Maybe i just don't understand the concept of what a migraine is.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 13:55:10 GMT

Yay!
A year has passed.. well, more than a year. And i felt like writing here. My main one was getting a bit wordy and i don't really like my posts to be too long.... so i'll use this as overflow.

i think in some ways i've hit some sort of depression. i doubt i'd ever fall into this deep, clinical depression just because it just doesn't feel natural to be that sad. Maybe it's some sort of religiousness or something that'll keep me from ever losing complete faith in life or something, but yeah.... i just don't feel happy. There's very little in my day-to-day life that is very much worth living. i don't have any job satisfaction. Work.. is work. i mean, no matter how important it is supposed to be i don't see the value in it myself. The fact that i see so little importance in it in the grand scheme of things and how the people i hate at work seem to love it so much just makes it worse. Also the fact that i can't seem to truly connect with anyone here. i guess it's fine by normal standards, but nowhere near the level of friendship i've come to be used to from back home. And maybe that's just racism because all the people here are non-Korean for the most part.

i don't know... i mean, it's strange... when i was back home in GA, things were getting to be a little too comfortable and i had to get out. And so i just impulsively signed up for the AF. i don't think the AF was the worst idea i could've had, but it was definitely not the best. But we make do with the hand we are dealt... or whatever.

Also the feelings and thoughts i have of certain people have changed significantly over the years, and it's kind of made me sad. Like.. it's known that if you're away from a group of people long enough... change will occur and it'll just be a series of randomly abrupt changes that you'd never see coming until it comes to the point where you really don't connect with them like you used to. And so, where does that leave me? i don't know anyone anywhere anymore. It's like everyone's this new person with these new priorities and i'm just trying to find some way to reconnect. Some way to be back to how it was. Where i don't have to use MySpace or Facebook or Xanga to try and communicate with them. Quick little snippets to avoid the fact that i have nothing else to say.

There was this one person (a female) that did a really nice gesture for me one time like.. 6-7 years ago. She's extremely bright, funny, whatever. i had a girlfriend at the time, but i would treat this other girl somewhat better occasionally. And i didn't think about it. It was just how it was. She did something for me that just blew me away with its simplicity and effort. And so i could never repay her. And i never thought of her as more than a friend. But now... i can't talk to her. i don't feel any bond with her. Like some vested interest as a person, but she's too different. And it's frustrating because even though there isn't that bond of really close friendship... i feel like i have to prove something to her. i mean, i'd like to be close, but it just doesn't seem like it'll happen. Is it really friendship when you're constantly trying to show that you're not an idiot?

i'd like to think that my relationship with people isn't based on geographical closeness. That the only reason i'm nice to someone or hang out with someone is because they're there and i'm there. There's gotta be more to it than that. Maybe that's why i can open up more freely with the people from Marietta. Because so much of who i am is already understood. They know my history. They know i'm Korean and yet i suck with the culture and language. They know i'm SDA and all that entails. They just know me for me. Here.. it's like everyone puts on a face. Some "i'm cool" face. And anyone who knows me... i don't exude "i'm cool". i'm more of a "uh.. i'm goofy, man. Sorry" attitude. It really doesn't mesh well unless we're all drunk. And i don't wanna be drunk for things to be "ok".

But yeah, so this is a bit of a rambling post. i just miss too much. And i really chalk it up to the fact that i haven't been home in 8 months and i probably won't for another 4 at the way things are going. To think i've been away from home for a whole year makes me feel so crappy.

When someone puts themself online, it always has to be about strength or some spin on weakness. It's never just... bleh, here's how i feel right now. Here's what i'm thinking. i don't want to have to put up something quirky and humorous because my life isn't really like that all the time. Sure, sometimes... but it's just not always like that. And is it some sort of pathetic cry for attention to post all this stuff? Not really.. i just want to write. And the fact that i do it online is to leave it fairly open. Like here's this Jonathan guy. He's not all mopey and pathetic most of the time, but he has his moments where he's human. Where maybe someone who feels like he's in some weird deserted island with work, a gas station, and a grocery store. Imagine being out in the world. Before finishing college. Not knowing anyone and moving out into some God forsaken city. Not having the money or freedom to visit people when you want. How much fun and happiness would there be in your life? i don't want to put this whole "look how bad i've got it" situation thing in anyone's face, but just for some perspective.

i really do have this new appreciation for the people that still make cameos in my life. It makes those trips home much better and makes the time i've got much more precious. There's just so much more that makes sense. Like how some things require so little actual time and effort, but mean so much to some people. For instance, going to school. So little time actually goes into it in the grand scheme of things. Like helping out at church. Spending time with people that don't have a lot of people to spend time with. Cherishing the moments with friends and family that will pass by in the blink of an eye. Whether it's eating a meal and BS'ing, or sitting quietly together during a sermon or bowing your heads concertedly in prayer. Visiting grandparents that you can't understand even though they live like 2 hours away. Everything is just.. easy. And if i go back home with that.. if i just remember to try and make the best of what time i have left... it'll make the 6 years in the AF totally worth it. It will have still saved me 12 years of heartache and regret.

So, every now and then some time comes where i just think deeply and then dramatize everything. Everything will be fine. Everything is currently fine. i guess it always is in the cosmic sense of things. i guess i just realize i don't have a significant identity outside of my friends and to see them all scatter like chaff... it's just all too revealing how much i cling to them to tell me who i am. i'm not really one to just be all independent and survive alone. Sure, it's possible, but is that a life worth living if you can't share it with someone? i sometimes re-read what i write and wonder if i sound as lame and powerless as i feel in retrospect. But in principle, it's still all very true to me. The basics still exist: i can breathe on my own, but what's life without people to enjoy it with. i can smile on my own, but where's the joy if i never see one myself? i can hear, but what's the point if i no one will make the music or tell me the joke?

Anyway, life is fine. It's.. illuminating. i'll go to work. i'll visit friends. i love it. As long as all my friends and family don't all get destroyed in some hellish war, i should be ok.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 03:41:07 GMT

Well, this xanga will be closing down soon enough.

But first... a few things.

My life is nothing without my friends and i've been ruining my life (so in other words... ruining my friendships). i can't stand it. It's driving me crazy and making me unhappy. i guess i deserve no more or less than what i got, but i can't help hoping for a little mercy to be tossed my way.

i want to be good. i want to be the best friend possible, but sometimes i lack the better judgement that i need.

Ugh, maybe i'm destined to be alone. Or destined to keep myself alone so i don't do the same stupid things over and over again. Who knows? i just feel like there's more confusion going on and less explanation (and less chances for explanation).

So, yeah, this is probably the last post on here too. i thought i was sad before, but i don't think i've ever been so crappy feeling in my entire life. It's seriously falling all around me... (how egotistical. Falling around ME?) And the last thing i want to do is drag it on or show people how pathetic i am. Yeah, so, farewell, and i hope you all enjoyed it as much as i enjoyed being around with you.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 22:09:58 GMT

Changes
And so here i am. It's been a while. i've had time to think. And guess what? Here's an update on all fronts....

Old Relationships
i'm not bitter. Well, not in my definition of the word. There are definitely moments where i miss having her. Not MY girl, but still mine. Someone i could always count on and trust and care for without sounding/feeling stupid. Someone who sent me misc. care packages that made my week. What exactly makes someone bitter anyway? i mean, i guess if i found reasons to blame myself all day long about why it didn't work out, then i couldn't be bitter. So, maybe that's what i'm supposed to be like..? It's always too little too late with the things that you actually want that you can't have that you once had. Right? So, yeah, i'm waiting for someone to come along to replace the Jennifer-shaped hole there is in my life. Sometimes i look at the trouble in our relationship and i don't think it'd be too hard to find someone better, but in some ways i didn't want to find anyone better. i got to the point where... i didn't want the perfect girl, because i already had her. i mean, sure, she was crazy about cleaning and organizing, but if a girl's going to be crazy about anything.. well, better that it's cleaning and organizing than it is.. killing people and punching people in the face. Oh well, i guess that's all stuff i can carry into my next relationship. Lessons learned. As long as i don't take any baggage with me, then i should be ok.

i'm not really looking, but i find it highly unlikely that i'll get as lucky as i got 5 years ago. Holy crap, it would've been our 5 year anniversary in May, but i forgot about it. Oh well, it's fitting....

Friends
Well, i've been a crappy friend. i can't ever spend enough time with all my friends that i want to, because i don't have enough time. i don't even think i'd have enough time if i wasn't in the military, but what can you do? That's life.

Career
Haha, yeah, i'm working on that one. i don't know what i want to do, so i'm stuck. The only thing that keeps me going is that i know that i need to do stuff to be able to provide for my future family. So, the natural progression of things.... yeah, but i'm unhappy, so that should make me the perfect level of angry-ness for my future life.

Education?
Well, trying.

Family
i've realized that i've been a crappy son/brother/cousin/nephew and everything else that i am. i want to go home and redeem myself. Be there to show my grandparents that i do care about them and i'm not just waiting for them to die. i want to help my parents out with whatever they need instead of slowly leeching their lives away and making them feel guilty for their sons' lack of direction. And i want to be at the special events and holiday dinners with all of my family instead of being here and doing nothing. i think the hardest thing is that i believe my family is fairly self-sufficient as it is. i mean, what can i bring to it? And so being with my friends keeps me from feeling any burden of responsibility while i can still do things for them and all that knowing it's with the goodness of my heart and not because of some obligation.

New Relationships
i guess i've been holding people to a higher standard than what is normal. i mean, i only have two levels of friends that i actually break apart. There are good/best friends and then there are acquaintances. There is very little that i'll do for good friends that i won't do for acquaintances. i mean, i'll pick them all up if they ever need a ride, or loan the money if they need it. But there is definitely something different in my mind. i mean, it's just something... i can't describe in words. i just care about you more if you're worthy. Show superficiality or unreasonable rudeness, then consider yourself an acquaintance. Not that you'd care, because you'd be superficial and annoying anyway and i'd treat you semi-poorly for every instance of crappiness you exhibited.

But anyway, still working on it.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 17:44:14 GMT

The Law of Acting Unlikeable
It's not about being unattractive and unlikeable. It's about ACTING like you are. If you do not give anyone a reason to care or if you rebuff any attempts at "fixing" you and you are not truly being unlikeable, then you're on the right track. It's a lot easier to deal with than having a mixed result by being kind. i never really thought about it, but sometimes i really do put on a face to be nice. And why do i have to do that ever? So, now i'm doing the opposite. i'm pretending to be a jerk.

Although.... it's one thing to being viewed as unliked and another thing to be viewed as unstable. It's a fine line to be walking, and it all depends on your audience. Anyway, it's a lot easier to be tired and annoyed and frustrated with life, because at least that's a reasonable response. Heck, that's what i expect of others given a similar situation, so why do i have to act like i'm above them by thinking that life is great all the time? i'm normal, right? i have normal reactions to normal stimuli, so this should be normal, damn it.

Yeah, so it's weird. Since i'm typically rather positive and i don't respond well to negativity when i'm in a positive mood, whenever i even seem a little down... people automatically act like there's some kind of crisis.

Yeah, so i usually chicken out after a while and act like it was just a flux. NEVER AGAIN! i'm sticking by my guns. For better or for worse, i guess.

It all basically gets down to this. i'm tired. i don't want to deal with it, and the easiest way is to make them, if not a willing participant, not want to play with me. People don't like mopers, but will try to cheer them up for a while. People REALLY don't like sucky people who suck to hang out with and avoid them like the plague. Of course not everyone will have to see the act, and that's great.. but some people will have no choice because they'll be around certain targets. It's unfortunate, but a natural consequence.

Anyway, it's not like i'm going to start kicking cats and vandalizing public property. i'm just making the choice for people without them realizing it.

The beauty of the whole thing is that it's a guiltless plan. Like why would they feel bad about not talking to a guy who's being a total lamer for no reason? They shouldn't. Beautiful! So, there's no guilt on their part to keep them from moving on. Marvel in the splendor that is my wonderful plan.

It's really a wonderful thing that works out best for everyone. As long as i don't truly feel as bad as i act like i'm feeling. i suck at explaining, but maybe the point got across?

Friday, February 11, 2005

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 00:09:33 GMT

The Road to Recovery
Well, here it is. The unadulterated truth. For being "unadulterated", it's actually not that interesting... Boo.

Ok, well, it's actually no secret because i've got a big mouth and everyone i blabber to has probably already told a few other people, so yeah. Basically i like someone. She has some relationship dealy thing going on already. So, i have to deal with that. She's leaving so it's a lot easier.

Pretty simple. i suppose there are some greater details, but here are just a few. i've decided that i've interrupted her life enough. She's got enough going on without some creepy dude (a.k.a. me) giving her more difficulties. i have no idea how she feels about me other than that she thinks i'm a good guy (which actually doesn't bode too well on the "girlfriend/boyfriend-relationship-o-meter". Yeah, there is such a thing.) And it's probably better that way. i mean, her friendship is more important. As gay as that sounds. And i know it sounds pretty gay. Anytime a guy just hangs out with a girl and it's just entirely platonic with no real future (because she's leaving) and with no chance of hooking up (because she's not attracted or whatever) and yet the dude still hangs around... ... well, that's pretty pathetic on paper.

And honestly i can't see myself with her. i seriously can't. i mean, maybe i'm like some kind of plasma screen with Jennifer's image burnt into it.. but i just can't see myself like WITH someone. Shoot, i couldn't even imagine myself with Jenn, so maybe i just don't do that anyway...... Yeah, so, there was that weirdness to deal with...

i guess it's better for her to hang out with me than some other weirdo because i'm not going to make some weird pass when i'm feeling weak or going to go and try to make her feel uncomfortable (emphasis on the "try" part). Lucky me.

Killing Me Softly
Anyway, she's being as nice and gentle about it as possible. She's pretty much aware of how i feel so it's great that she's considering my feelings in all this. So, while brutally reminding me how she's going to try and make this thing with her ex-beau work, i'm silently punching myself for not acting more enthused for her than i show. i'm seriously trying, but it's tough, man. Though there's no way in heck i'm going to be hanging out with them together. Do i really want to subject myself to that kind of torture? i mean, that'd take some major acting ability and i wear my crap too close to the sleeve to be able to behave properly.

And of course it comes at the worst time. i was contemplating just cutting off all communication. i mean, that is a lot too because we spend so much time together. But i felt like that's what i needed to do. Susan and i did that for a while because of the chaos our benign little friendship was causing to the relationship i had with Jennifer. But that would've been kind of selfish too. i mean, geez... so much going on. And anyway, i was thinking about doing that, but i decided that was stupid. So, right as i get back into the groove ... he comes back.

It goes like this... i could be totally honest and say everything about how i feel and completely barrage her with my feelings. That'd be the worst thing because it would get me nothing and it would give her a boatload of grief to deal with. Shoot, it might even make her uncomfortable to be around me. So, the best way is to keep my flap shut. How much am i supposed to fight for someone i like? And how do i know when to let go? i still don't know, but i know i'm letting go. i guess i don't like her enough...

And So What Am I Gonna Do?
i simplified it and decided that i'd do my best to be her best friend. Supportive and considerate to the end. Until she gets on that airplane to effectively fly out of my life forever (pardon the drama, but that's probably the truest statement ever), i'll be there. What else can i do? i'd be a hypocrite if i chose to just be a jerk. i'm always talking about how i care about other people more than myself and this is a prime example. If i truly cared about her more than myself then i wouldn't be a jerk and ignore her. So, i'm not.

Ok, yeah, well, there's that lame story. Hurray! Now no one has to keep any secrets. Anyway, this is by far a complete story.. but i don't want to get too verbose. Just a basic summary and conclusion. Yippee!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 04:00:43 GMT

Been A Long Time
It's been a while since i posted on here. i guess that's supposed to show how good life is. How great. Well, i've decided to use this Xanga as like the black side of life. The darker side of my thinking i guess. i mean, it shouldn't be anything weird and scary. Just more of the "con" viewpoints to oppose the "pro" viewpoints i tend to write on the main jonny515 thing. It may seem a bit schizo, but i swear that there is a purpose and it's not just two "Jonathans" talking. i think. Or at least that's what he says.

So, The Thing Is.....
i had a bad day today. It was going great and i was happy. But it's amazing how one little bit of information can just completely destroy that. It's always when things are going great too. Like when it seems like nothing's been better.

You know, i hate to say that i "fall in love". It just seems so corny. Like something that only happens in the movies. In the real world.. we should say something like.. "explode in love" or "decimated by love".. because that's what it has a tendency to do. "Falling" is like this thrill... a feeling of floating kind of. It's the part where you hit the hard surface or the panic of knowing that your parachute isn't going to open that really sucks. They always forget to mention that part in the whole "fall in love" crap.

Not that i'm falling or exploding or being decimated or whatever.

i think it's harder because sometimes i act. i don't actually feel sometimes, but i go through the motions of what someone is supposed to feel because it feels like it's unnatural to behave otherwise. While sometimes it's a good thing because i don't get as angry as much or too unhappy, it sometimes isn't so good because it also keeps me from knowing complete bliss and happiness. i just sit. And ponder on what my next course of action is. Like do i show more how i feel or do i hide it? i mean, there are pros and cons to both decisions and i bet i spend about 80 percent of my thinking on the pros and cons of any given situation. It's really sucky. Like even when trying to figure out the best times for my bowel movements or whether i should eat a lot or a little. Almost every decision..... Sometimes the answer is fairly easy, and sometimes it's just not.

The most difficult are the decisions that involve other people. Like what another person's response would be. It's really hard to calculate that. i mean, even if i know the person well it doesn't necessarily mean that i'll know how they'll respond to what i do or say. If i choose the wrong one i have to just go with it and work on my damage control.

i think too much. The tidbit of bad news today wasn't that big a deal really. i mean, in the larger scheme of things it was kind of inevitable (i am being vague about what the bad news was on purpose, by the way). It's the thought i put behind it. Actually, that wasn't the time that i really got upset.. it was later that night....

i'm such a fool. Really, i mean... i set myself up for failure every time. i got lucky with Jennifer and i didn't screw that up too much (though looking at the current state of our relationship i'm sure other people would hardly agree), but every other time.. it's just not good. i don't know what it is. i guess i'm not too smooth with the ladies and i don't BS a lot. i guess i could, but it just seems like that's not the way things should be done.

So, you like someone. It's great. You spend time together and you realize that your liking for her/him is justified. They're fantastic and super nice. Not only to you but to everyone else. They don't take advantage of you and you don't take advantage of them. Life is fantastic. But there's always a hitch. What would life be without those hitches? A penny that could theoretically derail a train. Well, it's not meant to be. It's like i'm fighting fate¹ with everything i've got and i'm losing. It's slapping me with sign after sign and i have been refusing to see it. i mean, today i thought about it more and more and more and i was just digging myself into a deeper self-pitying hole. Stupid hole.

Why does it have to be so much more difficult than i want it? i suppose maybe i don't deserve it. Perhaps the timing is wrong? i mean, that's another sign of fate¹ too. If you were meant to be together and you try your best and show/confess your true feelings.. then it would work out. But if it doesn't then it's just not meant to be, right? Give fate¹ a hand. At least it's gracious enough to let you know and you're the one that's just being too stubborn to see it. And by "you", i mean me. i think that's the beauty of it too. People always look back and say "i wish i'd done this or that...", but the fact is that they didn't.. and there's not too much they can do about it. Haha, i guess it's a good thing then that i always wish that i HADN'T done something. i wear my heart on my sleeve i think and by wearing it on my sleeve, i mean that i just tell everyone everything if they have the patience to hear it.

Basically it boils down to these core things. i avoided all contact with everyone while i was with Jennifer. i don't blame her for it because it was a self-imposed thing. i mean, i was a fool too many times during our time together and i wanted to improve myself for her (which i kind of did). Anyway, we broke up and i was set adrift. Figured stuff out and kind of got out more. Found someone great. Pretty much knew that it'd never really BE from the beginning, but can't stop how you feel i guess. i would still rather remember her a close friend (if not THE closest) than forget about her as some girl i used to like. Though sometimes it gets really difficult. Plus she's leaving in a few months. And the way i see it... there's an extremely high chance that i'll never see her again. Which is probably the worst thing about it. Maybe that's why i seem so bitter? Heck if i know. FATE¹!!!! i curse thee!!!!

Again, i don't want this to seem like some self-pitying post. That junk has already been fought by me. This isn't self-pity. It's... more like just the "State of the Jonathan" address. By President Jonathan. And the only reason the post got as weird as it did is because it's 3AM. So that must mean i'm telling the truth! i don't know why, but it just does.

¹ - fate in the context that i use it in this post is kind of a combination of all things that extend beyond what we can control in life. Whether it be God's will or some random event caused by different people reacting to other people... that's what i mean by "fate".

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 05:14:06 GMT

What's With My Drama?
i hate drama. i hate being involved in it and knowing that i help perpetuate it by not completely stamping it out when i see it start to form. i can't stand to do it sometimes because i still hold onto things that maybe i shouldn't.

When do you know you're supposed to just let go of things? i tell myself that i'm done and ready for the new, but something in my mind won't let me. It's like telling me, "Yo, don't do it because you'll destroy everything you've been wishing for." i've never surrendered when it mattered, but do i want to start now?

When i'm busy with others and i'm not given the time to dwell on the issues, i'm great. But when things get quiet.... i just get restless and angry. Like what am i supposed to do? Am i waiting? Am i not supposed to wait? Do i grab the next bus out of here? It conjures up images of just disappearing. Breaking off all contact and being left for dead by everyone i know. That's how easy it would be for me. Get orders out of the country and be gone without a word to anyone. Sometimes i wonder if it'd be so bad. Not to garner sympathy and an outpouring of your respective affections (if you have some, just plain curiosity if not affection possibly), but to just release all my links to the past.

What matters? What about life is so great that i have to live it for myself? Where is the line for selfishness and where's the line of self-preservation? This is all so.... dramatic and it makes me sick. It's hard to look at emotions with logic. It's like... doing psychology with math. Or... something. i don't know what i want. i don't know what i deserve. i just want something reliable. Something that only requires my dedication and commitment. i tire easier now. i find the beauty fading from my memories and i only look back with the aftertaste of bitterness. Even the pictures evoke little emotion other than a blank stare that hides little nostalgia and wonder at things i used to view with such happiness. It's sad, pathetic, and it pisses me off. i don't want to give in and come whimpering back. i don't think i should. What did i ever do? It drives me crazy because my emotions tell me that i should do something to astound and amaze when my brain is telling me to stop worrying about it and get on with life because it's actually not my fault this time. Amazing.

It's frightening in a way. It's fading. Memories, feelings... Maybe it's the way it was supposed to happen. Probably more the fact that it's been this way for a little while. You leave with such high hopes and then reality sets in and you grow weak. How wonderful. i hate myself for letting it just go with the flow. i want to control it. Already that space in my "heart" has interim possibilities floating around pecking out the foundation.... some part of me is trying to protect it. i wish i could lose all my memories of the last four years. i'm just tired....

And that's it! i made the mistake of leaving comments enabled last time. Too bad. All the above questions are pretty rheotical. You can answer to yourself, but that'd be pretty creepy.

So, what's with the drama? i make it. It's mine and i hate it. It's fanciful and great. It's beautiful. So, someday i'll write a new page, and i'll share it with you all because that's my God/Xanga-given right. (not saying God and Xanga are equal. Just that they both have given me the right, but God takes seniority.. or sovereignity... or yeah.)

In other ideas, could anyone please tell me what's so great about their life that they need to exist? What do you contribute to society or the overall good of humanity? i'm not trying to demean anyone, but i'm saying this because i know why i value your existence. Do you know why you value yours? (again, no comments are allowed, so just figure it out.)

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 20:05:28 GMT

Back
Yeah, i'm posting on this one again. You know what that means? Well, you should if you know this site at all. It's for when things are going crappy and/or when I'm pissed.

Life has handed me yet another disappointment. It's no surprise really because... well, it wasn't a surprise. It was one of those things where you just don't think about it because you hope it'll never happen, but you know deep down that it's going to happen and then you'll just be troubled. Yeah, sucks.

I'll tell you what though (or more... mention what), females bother me with their oddness. Like what am I supposed to do? Do I try to talk more to keep communication and show concern or do I call less so that they're less bothered and have more time for themself? Do I tell them how much I love them all the time so they know that it never falters and never ebbs or do I just say it never so they'll know the value of it when I say "I love you" once on our 15 year anniversary? Do I send them presents and spoil them til they expect it or do I withhold all the money I save and buy myself a nice car?

Relationships are sacrifice (sometimes). Time, money, other friendships (and in my case, valuable leave time). What makes it all worthwhile in the end? What makes all the tedium worth it in the end? The elation of another kiss? The intimacy of a hug (with or without clothes)? The playfulness of holding hands? Or how about the possible end results? Broken hearts, shattered dreams, destroyed lives, and DEATH (well, probably not too often). I guess a serious relationship at the robust age of 22 is a bit unlikely. For some reason it's only possible with poor-middle class non-Asian couples. You name an Asian couple that's gotten married under 23!! NEVERR!

Why's it so hard to find someone that you just mesh with? Why must there be such an arduous learning process in finding out that you're not worth the trouble to someone else? Why can't I just look at someone and know that they're worth every second? You know what? Why do I have to feel like I had that and I was wrong? People are right. I HATE being wrong. Especially in matters of intangible investments. You blow money on stocks, you know the risks. How do you measure how much consideration you put into a relationship? How do you weigh the value of your love? And how do you know that value isn't overinflated or underinflated from yourself to someone else (respectively, usually.. a bit complicated for that use, but whatever).

How is it possible for something you think you know so well to just disappear in a quick flash? A deleted buddy, an erased phone number, a sad man. It's not fair and it's not the way it's supposed to be. 1/5th a score. Is it pessimism to inadvertantly show how small something looks compared to another, while trying to show how big it could be? That's my life in a freaking nutshell. My life was insignificant, but coupled with someone else's it was almost great..... I guess it's the fear that it could've been taken away from me and that makes me sad. That's all I wanted to really say.....

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 02:40:01 GMT

DEATH!!!!!
Haha. When I write posts like the one below, people freak out or hate me for some reason. I'm just spouting some opinions that I never have the opportunity to write. Sorry if I freak people out or something. I'm not trying to be morbid or receive pity comments/email/IMs. ya know? Anyway....

I was talking to an Office Depot customer representative today and I realized something. I like talking to customer representatives. They're just fun to talk to. Only the females though. I'm sexist. I don't want to talk to a guy when I have a problem with something. A female can calm me down. A guy just pisses me off more. Something about guys make them much worse at "helping" situations.

I don't flirt with them though. I mean, for goodness sake, it's through the phone. I remember when I was talking to a Delta one while I was playing Sorry with some people. Mocking me, but I got the job done. Anyway, just something I wanted to talk about.