You see, the thing about skinny jeans is that they only work if you're...skinny.

b:  popcorn

l:  turkey pepperoni's and some peanut butter

In light of recent events (meaning the ever-constant, gross swelling of absolutely every part of my body), I have decided that my next attempt at thin is to list everything that I can eat.  I have had success in the past with black-and-white dieting, so this is another interpretation of it.  However, whereas before I was black-and-white to the point that I was allowed to eat little or I was allowed to eat nothing (and now weigh 50lbs more than I did when I finished that little excursion), now I will be black-and-white to the effect that I know what I can and can't eat from a list instead of my own decision-making prowess.  Removing my consideration and deliberation from the equation may be better for me, since I only seem to rationalize eating what I shouldn't.  So here's my list, which I will update periodically, since I won't think of most things now:

YOGURT

PRETZELS

FRUIT

VEGETABLES

SALAD OF ANY KIND THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE MAYONNAISE

LEAN CUISINES

LEAN POCKETS

WEIGHT WATCHERS (ice cream, bread products, etc)

ANY "HUNGRY GIRL" RECIPE

CHICKEN

TUNA FISH

SARDINES

100-CALORIE PACKS

SINGLE-SERVING APPLESAUCES/PEACHES/ETC (lunch-packing food)

EGGS

MINT MUSKETEERS

SUNFLOWER SEEDS

SUGAR-FREE FUDGSICLES

RICE CAKES

PEANUT BUTTER

So I've come to a standstill.  I'm 16 down, a million to go, forever to climb, forever to fall.  But I've stopped dead.  I just keep shoving things in...is it to prove that I will never be what I want to be so badly?  Is it to solidify my own image of my figure formed by fat rather than shape?

I'm not sure, but I'm still plugging away.

Sunday and yesterday were busts.  Not even facades of effort.

Looks like today is going to be the same--three A's and ONE FUCKIN B.  The B is for the class that I put my heart and soul into.  Yeah.  So I already know that I'm going to stuff my face today to shut up my disappointment.

Fuckin A.

Oh.  Nevermind.  Fuckin B.

b:  ham/carrots/tea------------------------100

l:  spaghetti----------------------350

d:  I picked on desserts-----------------bad idea, 300

tot:  750, maybe more, I'm not sure...carrots are IT after work today.  Christ.

LARD.

Today is up in the air.  In every way.  I have three pages left to go on my paper (three pages) but I have a final at 11:30 and I work 3-9 and I left early on Tuesday for paper purposes so I can't get out of it.  Plus I'm poor anyway...I need to pay off my credit card, pay my car payment, do Christmas, and buy books for spring semester with...let's see...$475 plus a $500 credit limit.  Doesn't sound impossible, but I don't really want to put $500 on my card.  Because I won't have $500 next month.

I hate being poor.  And I am eager to see how today will go...I'm going to throw a fuckin party when this week is done with.