Only if I could find a better word to describe how I am doing.
I am in pretty bad shape physically, mentally and emotionally.
I don't recall the last time I was being this miserable.
I  feel numb, not knowing how else I am suppose to feel.
Knowing that I am at a dead end with the only option to go left or right.
However, I lack the will and motivation to take my initial step to start moving.

Quietly and clearly creating my future path for the past 2-3 years.
I naively believed my visions, my plans, my dreams were going to become reality.
I had a semi-detailed picture as to how my future was gonna look like.
I knew exactly how I wanted things to be.
Snapping myself back to reality, realizing just how fragile and unreliable my plan was,
I had taken 3 steps forward, and now 5 steps back.
I don't even know where and how I should begin ....
well.. I just don't have a clue as to how I should be explaining this to you.
I no longer have a clear vision as to where my path will take me.
Not only am I devastated, having no sense of direction, I am very frustrated at myself for feeling/acting the way I do now.
When things felt so complete, and all of a sudden,
I become blank, and not knowing how to react under such circumstances.
I am pissed at myself for being so vulnerable. I hate not knowing what to do.
I hate not having control over my emotions.
I feel ashamed and disappointed for handling this in such horrible manner.
Irrational chains of thoughts,  feeling out of place. A walking zombie.

As you can see, I am really not going anywhere with this.
It's more like putting a broken pieces of puzzle together.
But there are now many missing pieces that are nowhere to be found.
That's exactly how I feel.
I am back to where I started, only two and a half years later.
So, please forgive me if I feel a bit strange, because I feel the same way.

And you might feel that I am sad or what not.
I am not. Again, I am numb, and oblivious to my surroundings.
I have no reactions, and not much emotions.