| i sat with april in her room last night, and we talked till 2 in the morning. i left her room tired, exhausted, eyelids swollen but i gained a whole new view of myself. april was ready to hit me about 20,000 times while i cried. she had every right to.
i'm a giving person. as selfish as i usually like to act, i'm actually very giving. april couldn't understand why time and time again i let people hurt me. she couldn't understand why after being hurt so many times already, i never learned. i never learn which people to give my all to and which people i shouldn't. instead, i blindly give my all to anyone who comes along. and so far in life, it really hasn't given me anything in return.
she said that i need to build a wall around me from some people, to stop letting them pick and choose from what i have, to pick out what they want and use it all until they're bored. and then she said that i need to stop ignoring the things around me, that i can't just sit here and see and think about the things that i want to see. that i'm sitting here with tunnel vision, and that i'm really not seeing all that's around me.
i caved too easily. he should have asked more than once. twice, three time, 100 times before i decided to pack my bags and leave. she's right, i won't disagree with that.
my friends are great. they sit there with a box of kleenex making sure i let out everything i hold inside so it doesn't end up eating me from inside out. but what my friends don't realize is that they've never been through what i've been through. the all make it seem so easy, so easy to move on and let go, when personally, i'm still just starting to learn how.
if you ask me what's the one thing i wanted most in life, my answer is that i wished i could have gone to new york for college. everyone around me bullshitted their way through high school. they fucked around, partying, being lazy asses, and as much as it seemed that i did the same, i didn't. as much as it seemed that high school was easy for me, it wasn't. i had to work my ass off to get the grades i got. those around me, who just copied my papers, copied my answers, used my hard work, they got what they want. they're at the schools they wanted to go, they're living the dreams they've always wanted to live. i'm the one that got left behind. the only thing that held me back was my parents. i'm 18 years old, i've lived in this world for 18 and a half years, and never once has either my mom or my dad told me they loved me. never have those three little words been utterred from their lips. i've never been hugged from my dad, never kissed on the cheek before i leave for school, nothing. they say that i should know that they love me from their actions. so tell me how am i supposed to make sense of them loving me from taking the one thing i wanted so bad away from me. they don't understand, they simply don't understand.
friends are great, but sometimes they don't understand either. sometimes it seriously feels alone in this world, that i've spent 18 and a half years walking around and i still can't find one person that understands me. and for one split second in time, i was blown away by how much he understood, by how he could read me so well. touched, amazed and excited, i instantly threw in my all, regardless to the fact that he probably really didn't want any of it.
perhaps that's why i give so easily, is that maybe i can hope for someone to care about me the way i care about them, for someone to understand me, understand my past, accept my faults and appreciate me for who i am. for one second, i thought i did. yeah yeah, i know, see the bigger picture. it's hard when your eyes are glued shut. i'm in the process of rubbing off that elmers glue, goddamnit, give me time. how do you expect me to know what's real when i've never had anything real before? i don't know what real is, how am i supposed to work towards it?
but i'm finally taking it into consideration, and i'm finally realizing that i really do need to change as person. i tried, i really did try to build a nice brick wall around me. but once he trodded over and even hinted at tearing it down, i helped him. my defense is weak and i need to change that. i don't want to be cold or bitter, but just to protect myself. i'm still really not sure how to do it, but i'm trying.
the past is done and over with and i need to stop hanging on. maybe this way, i can learn to stop thinking about him/it/them, and start moving on. i just wanna be chill (like april). april suggested i live with sar, she has that effect on people.
this page is worn and tired, filled with too many sob stories from the past. farewell. i love that word. and i've actually meant it everytime i've written it, even in the little cards i put in people's yearbooks. i really did try to say goodbye.
farewell y'all. see you in the afterlife: http://www.xanga.com/indi3punk5ta |
maybe it's because i have too many things to say to you and no way of saying it. maybe it's because i want to tell you how much i miss you and how much i wish i could replay the past, despite how much i hate it, and wish something could have happened. maybe it's because you drive me absolutely crazy, the way you tug at me only when you want to, then shut me out in the dark when you get bored. maybe it's because you make me feel used. maybe it's because you make me confused as hell. maybe it's because i'm just too scared to talk to you.
