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| ughhhhhhh
im feel soo BLEHHHHHHHHH~~~ im on my break from painting. there's
really not much to do online anymore, so i decided to write another
entry.
i'm SUPPOSED to be hanging out with haruka right now, but she's not
feeling well. booo, this is the second time she canceled on me!! :( if
i had known, i might have just stayed at his place! well...pai is
supposed to come later, but i havent seen her yet.
i caught up with a lot of friends an hour ago, while painting i was
just calling people up. it's good to hear from others and learn
about their new life adventures. but it feels as if my life really
hasnt changed much. am i afraid to take on something new? am i just too
accustomed to living this normal life that i've accepted for all these
years? how would change effect me??
i mean, taking haruka for example, almost half a year ago her life was
not that much different than mine, school work, life shit. but now
she's on a crazy rampage going out with all these sunset glam rockers
almost every night for some extensive heavy partying.
personally, i know i cant handle that shit. im just too poor and i dont
wanna deal with pissing my parents off. but...maybe edmund was right to
say that i have to stand up to my parents. whatever, im just too lazy
to fight against them. rebellion plan has been long abandoned, and
sadly attempted.
what are my priorities in life now??
i want to be a better artist....i want people to look at my work and be
wowed by it..like how i feel when i admire others' paintings. i feel
that i still lack the determination and drive to push myself
extensively. why do i lack them when i love art so much? or do i really
love art?? or is art just a route that i have chosen because i'm scared
to tackle other things.
i want to travel. with all my friends moving out to dorms and others
returning from their summer trips to china, japan, or agentina. it
feels like my life is just stuck in a stalemate. when will something
happen to me? I'm tired of waiting for life to unravel....how do i
seize things into my own hands?
i have no money...no money to travel, no money to go to art center, no money to finish my tattoo.
i'm worried my portfolio...if it even counts as a portfolio will grant
me a scholarship in art center....*sigh* i wish i had more time,
another term to prepare. but what have i had up til now BUT time?? my
senior year..entirely wasted by me, such a sad display of
talent...potential talent to succeed.
now that i reflect over my summer, what do i have to show for my artwork?? not much..not nearly enough...its never good enough.
so cosimo..stop saying "basta" to me because it's never enough.
school tomorrow..oh goody!!! ....
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| i want to get rid of all this green day shit, but i have no idea how.
bevo did it for me like 2 years ago, now i look at it and i rather puke
with strawberry delight
i went over some of my older blogs, and it disgusts me how stupid and
naiive i was. not that im any smarter now, but better that the me two
years ago...i dunno how ppl dealt with me. fuck i was nasty
i think i'll just make a new xanga altogether, or a live journal
fuck i should be painting already, okay okay i go now
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| its been a little more than a year since i last wrote here...i wrote
when i just started high school senior year. now i've graduated and
college is starting in about 2 weeks. it's amazing how much time has
passed by.
watching koe go through her livejournal last night, made me want to
return writing in my xanga again. after i picked up myspace, i
neglected my xanga because i could only manage one account thingy at a
time.
but i'm through with myspace, i only use it to keep up with old
friends, so i've returned to xanga to keep up with my journal. since i
doubt anyone will read these, these will be for my eyes only :D
i cant believe how much doing a simple task such as ordering papa jones
pizza has pisssed the fuck outta me, i hate that stupid shitbag on the
other side of the phone who doesnt know how the fuck to spell "charles"
and "samuelson" fucking dumbass dick. and then there's mommy and them
for making me order for them. i wouldnt have minded if it didnt turn
out to be such a pain in the ass...wtfff....this is the first time i
ran into problems ordering a fucken pizza.
shit. i took out my anger on food
no good
im gonna go paint now, but my stomach is fucken full from all the guaccamole and chips i scruffed down in anger
last night with koe was fun but boring....going to lil tokyo is just
blehhh when you dont have fucken money to blow. sigh...but when do i
ever have money to blow?? NEVER. we boogied to teriyaki boyz in the
car, walked around, koe tried on a ...sexy?? suimsuit at american
apparel. i swear to god i will never shop there, their shit is jack ass
expensive as fuck!! visited cools, visited mary at work, ate at frying
fish, SPIDER ROLL = OISHII!!! looked for both masatos, but saw
neither. just relaxing boring shit..i kinda rather stay home and
paint and draw.
which is what im gonna do now
bye self
stop being a sitter fucker, and do something!
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| i miss him a lot...
i try not to say it or even think about it, but i sure as fucking hell
do. FUCKKKKKKKKKK. im trying to play it cool, but i do miss him. his
sweet smell and even his cig smell, his scruffiness, his dorky happy
smile, and his hairy ass XDD
yes..everything
i went to trader joe's yesterday with me daddy to buy some guaccamole.
and instantly i thought of him and all the time we went together to
trader joe's to pig out on guccamole
poo :((
a little more than a week left still. when he gets back, im sleeping over :D
summer's been slow..nothing much, nothing BAMNN BAMMN exciting..but i
guess i'm used to it by now. my life is just boring like this.
im so broke now its not even funny :( that's also why i never do anything suupper amazing in life because i lack money
im starting to paint a little today. that's good :DD
i had this CRAZZZYY ass dream i dreamt that there was this awesome
artist at my school whom i never even knew about..it was so weird..i
found out about ...her..well it was a she at first then half way
through my dream, she turned into a he...anyway....hhaha, what matters
is that this person is such a crazy artist. he/she drew a lot of ppl in
the yearbook, and i never noticed til i saw myself. everyone was drawn
in digi, it was very like entertainment character design style.
whatever, it was hot.
i went to this school art show thingy?? im thinking the upcoming art
center grad show is the influence behind this dream ...anyhoo, so i
manage to hunt down this kid. and yes, she was this dorky, fobby girl
at first and ...some shit happened, she and i talked. some other shit.
somehow she's a dude now..or maybe this is another person?? reminded me
of that kirk dude at the art center workshops. anyway, moving on, vel's
sketchbook was in my dream some how too....
crazyy....
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