It is often easier said than done when you decide to take a bundle of feelings and try to repress them. You can tell yourself that you will be through with thinking and worrying over certain things, but it's just not in your nature to forget. There's also a cruel part of you that keeps you from forgetting. Why are we born with the innate ability to self pity. Maybe we just want to be sad sometimes.

Everything was ok. I had learned to accept everything that was thrown at me however unfair. But it's funny how one word, and one word alone could cause me so much pain.

Separation.

I will tell all. Because all of my friends who care about me deserve to know the truth of why I've been acting so cold this year. Because everyone who judged me does not have the authority. Because .. I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to be free from this broken home, and everyone deserves to know why.

I could not have asked for more from my childhood. I was a spoiled little girl and had everything any child could ask for. I am grateful. I have been blessed with many things that most people will even dream of. But why am I so sad? After 18 years, why have I become so depressed with being at home. It wasn't always like this. Before this year, I enjoyed being at home. I prided on having the coolest parents and a wonderful home. Separation.

I know what you must be thinking. Divorce, it's common. But it's not just divorce. Because if it is, I would have probably not accepted - but been able to live with it by now. No. It's living a lie. It's watching 18 years go by in the photo albums, knowing that every smile was artificial.

This is the story that no one knew about because I decided to keep it in. Thank you Justin and Emily, they were the only ones that knew the truth and understood.

Last summer, the summer of 2006, was the last time that I would be happy in this house, a house I've been in for the past 13 years. My mom was driving me home from my summer job and there was something strange about her. She soon began to cry. October 18, 1993. My parents have been divorced since that date. I was just so confused. I was 17 then and I was sure that we've all been together until then. The fact is that my mother never knew her father and had to grow up without one. She wanted me to grow up normally with a father figure. I couldn't decide how to react. They'd told me that they slept in separate rooms because she couldn't sleep with him snoring. Lies. They had lost their love that day they were legally divorced and have unsuccessfully tried to pull it all back together. I was left out of the loop. I had no idea.

It is so cruel to look back at photo albums, trying to look for a happy time to remember with all three of us because I now know that in every picture post 1993, I was the only one genuinely smiling. It hurts even more to see old pictures of them in high school and their wedding album. Why do these things happen? It's a challenge walking into this house everyday since the day I found out, because now, they don't have to "act" in front of me anymore. A broken home, so lifeless, so cold. I have no family.

What a perfect time to drop the bomb. I was just about to begin my senior year in high school. Just about to head on out on my own away from home. Just about to turn 18. Just try and imagine that. 18 years. 18 years of false beliefs. 18 years of not knowing. 18 years of .. lies. I was literally the glue of this house that kept it together. I know why they picked that time to tell me. Because .. I was about to leave.

Just the other day, a realtor came to look at our house. The closer we get to the end of high school, I am not only afraid of leaving my friends, but also my home. I know that when I come back from Austin, I won't have a home. Everything that I have here will be gone. No home, no parents. I'll have one mother and one father living in separate apartments.

Separation.

i wrote these specifically in a deranged order btw. i just decided to write a little note since everyone's doing their own version with their friends.

• we haven't talked in awhile. before there was more to you and me, you were actually quite a cool person. it makes me happy that we haven't sunken to the path of passing by each other in the hallway and looking down and ignoring each other. i hope you choose the right decisions to bring you a bright future because you definately have the potential for it.
• i know that i was never close to you all my life. and i know that this is a hard time for the both of us. she still loves you and i know it because that's all i could bring myself to believe in order to get by. it crushed me hard over this past summer when i found out the truth about you two, but i've lived and learned that i shouldn't stress over small things in life. i love you, and i hope you always know that because i know i don't tell you enough.
• i'm glad i have you as a friend because you are simply cool. i find you amazing and talented and yet i never tell you this. it's nice to have someone to talk to even when there's nothing to talk about at all. i look back and find it funny that we've spent hours talking about something as pointless as yearbook pictures for hours. we've had awkward events happen between us, but it's been great having you around.
• you are someone who i could actually say that acted like my big brother. you took me around to places before i had a car or a boyfriend. and you also bought me stuff and never had me pay. i thank you for your kindness. being an only child, i always loved being taken care of by someone older in order to feel sheltered and protected. i'm glad we're talking more again.
• don't think that just because you're fifth that you mean any less to me because i know that's how you tend to think. and plus, everyone and their moms know that it's not true. ever since there's been a you and me, this number has become my favorite. i'm glad that we've both grown with each other day by day. it's true that we're one of a kind. i hope you never forget this. don't get jealous whenever you think my attention has diverted to someone else because you and i both know who i care for the most. remember that i need you too. i told you once and again that i could cross a fire for you and i mean it. i love you.
• sadly, it would be dishonest of me to leave you out even though i loathe you. it's true that you were a big part of my past and it's also true that i was stupid and young to let you become that big a part of me. you were definately not necessary. but you were probably the first person to let me experience true heartache by fooling an innocent girl in "love" into thinking that you felt the same. it is because of you that i'm truly able to appreciate how great i have it now, with someone that i really love. what did i know of love when i spoke of it to you anyway? there's only so much that a 14 year old could think she knows.

there are many things that i am thankful for: my family, my friends .. but only one of which really makes me unique. and that is justin.

it might not have seem like it lately, but i still appreciate all of him and his entirety. so much has gone on between us that we tend to forget. it's because we are one and the same. he completes me in every sense. For all my mistakes, he's the answer. for all my flaws, he's perfection. i'm very thankful that he is STILL in my life. and he's never left. i am thankful for his life. i am thankful for everything that he is. there's only so much you could say after having been together for so long now. i love you honey. and that's all that matters.

every long lost dream lead me to where you are
others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
pointing me on my way into your loving arms
this much i know is true
that god blessed the broken road that lead me straight to you