A new entry, filled with Drama, Action, Intense moments, and a little bit o' romance

Ahh so here I sit, 2am burning music to my freshly wiped hard drive. Fun, aint it? (no not really). The only good part is that I get to listen to music, which is pretty much my only escape anymore. Well, I guess I cant also fail to mention this good ole' Xanga because I use this to sort of escape too (to get all my thoughts out of my mind).

But from what I hear, you people love hearing other people's problems and enjoy (well I dunno about enjoy) reading my xanga entries, (all 364568547645865687 pages of it) [that is exaggeration, by the way] so I might as well keep my dear, loyal readers informed/excited/busy/on-the-edge-of-their-seats. You catch my drift.

Ok, well where should I begin. Oh well it seems Armageddon (spelling?) is upon us. Our world is going to hell in a hand basket (i dont even know what that means, but it is). Lets see, well about 5-6 maybe 7 days ago there was some crazy coked out dude (not trying to be funny) that went into a school, molested some girls, shot 1, and killed himself. Then, the next day (i think?) there was ANOTHER school shooting, a principle was shot and killed. THEN, the NEXT day, a brazilian airliner went down and like 500 people died. THEN, the NEXT day, an overpass in Canada fell down injuring (maybe killing?) 5 people. THEN (yes, AGAIN) yesterday, ANOTHER crazy coked out dude went into a fucking AMISH school, killed 3 girls, shot 7 others, and then killed himself. Just one question.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?!

Im telling you, something really bad (worse than the 500 people dieing on the airplane, worse than the girls getting shot) is about to happen. And I personally dont really want to experience it.

Ok, now onto a personal level. (ok, this is where everyone stops reading and skips through to the end and then pretends that they read the whole thing. Yep, I know how it is)

Well, I am pretty unhappy (anyone that has talked/seen me ever since ive been to MC* is saying "NO SHIT" to themselves right now) and I dont know why. I think Kim was wonderful enough to pinpoint the problem, but I am not sure whether that is the real reason or not. She said that it seems as if I dont want to go to MC, and I would probably be happier at PSU.

Well, point blank, she is probably right (is this an "lol" moment?). Since my first day here, I have just felt......out of place. It is kind of hard to describe, but its worse than just a 'bad feeling'. It is sort of like, dammit I cant even explain it. I feel like I shoudlnt be here. Like I dont belong here. Ever since being here, I have felt alone/out-of-place/wierd/different/not-myself/like-an-alien. I just cant explain it. It is a feeling of unrest, like I dont belong here. And its not that I dont like MC, because I do, I think the college is cool and everything (notice I say college, and that means the buildings and campus, not the people). The people here are........something else haha. Ive met a few "kool kats" (chris, zach, gabe, andrew, carolyn, amanda, john, ashley........in no particular order, except for maybe 1) and thats about it. Everyone else brushes me off because im a "transfer" (OMG DID HE SAY TRANSFER?!?!?!?!) student. Yes, that is how it is here. You really do feel like an Alien. A green one. That is short. With a big grey head. A green, big-grey-headed alien with a short body.

Ontop of being an alien, things have just kept going wrong lately. And when someone asks "like what", I cant answer with anything except "everything", because it really has been everything. It seems like EVERYTHING is going wrong, and NOTHING is going right, and I dont know how else to take this other than 'signs' proving that I shouldn't be here (in MC). That is how I feel sometimes. Ok, most of the time. I feel that I should not be here, in Mercyhurst, in this apartment, in Erie in general. Nothing seems right. This feeling wont leave me. Dammit I wish I could fully explain it, but I really cant. I just dont feel like I belong here at this point in time, or at all. I HATE feeling this way. Waking up, asking yourself "why do i feel this way, and why am i still here?" every single day SUCKS FUCKING ASS. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!

I wish someone would just come up to me in the streets, and just stab me in the shoulder with a 4 inch blade. That way feeling what I do everyday wouldnt be so bad.

Now dont mistake these feelings with "i feel like i shouldnt be on earth" or "i shouldnt be alive blahblah EMO blahblah" because thats not what im saying at all. I just feel like I dont belong in MC, thats all. Maybe not even Erie.

This is probably the root of all my unhappiness. Why I get so angry all the time, why I am full of stress, why I feel down all the time, why im so easily bothered, just everything. Its probably why I feel like standing up and screaming at the top of my lungs, as loud as I can, for as long as I can right now.

I feel like this whole damn xanga entry is fucking pointless, because i cant even fucking explain how I feel, correctly. I dont know. Just with everything (and i mean everything) going wrong with me, its like hinting to me even more that I should just leave one night. Just pack up and leave, and not tell anyone. That way nobody will know im gone, nobody will know anything, and everyone here will be pissed at me for about 3 weeks until they forget I even exist (yea right, you all would probably throw a party). See, even RIGHT NOW I feel SO DAMN FRUSTRATED just because I cant even explain how I feel.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I just dont feel myself anymore :(. I feel like a walking shell, with no soul, doing some shitty daily routine for no reason at all. I get angered easily, I am full of stress, I argue with friends. I just dont like myself anymore. I am not me. This is not the Matthew Jones I knew 2 years ago. And i really dont know what to do about it anymore .

Im always sad, and my unhappiness increases with each and passing day.

Someone please make me happy again. And im serious. Please, somebody make me happy again :'(

:'( <---------Looks wierd/funny, but is seriously how im feeling right now :-/

Goodbye all. 

* : MC=Mercyhurst College.

P.S.

The title says there is romance involved. Well I dont remember writing any romance, so just go to this website: www.mariasmovies.com I am pretty sure you can find enough romance there to satisfy yourself.

Until next time, I will just be here, waiting for someone to hopefully come along and make me happy again.

Some things I really wish I could say right now but it is not appropriate, and very mean.

Lets just fucking leave it at that.

Wow....its been a LONG time.

Well I guess its back to writing in here. Haha I haven't done this for a long time. Well, I guess to everyone who is reading this, Welcome back to the life of me hahaha.

Pretty much the only reason I ever wrote in Xanga was to just get thoughts out of my mind, and well I know its sad to say but I guess Xanga has been my back-bone for that. I guess I should warn you now, this is not going to be a happy-go-lucky "Hi let me explain to you my life since my last entry! " type of thing. Like I said, I pretty much only use this stupid thing to just get my thoughts out of my head and down onto something (being a xanga entry). So if you dont want to read anything thats negative or anything, stop reading now. Don't leave me any messages or comments bitching to me please .

Ok, well I guess I should have done this last night, seeing as everything was FRESH on my mind, and last night is when I was REALLY motivated to do this, but it was 2:30 am and I had to get up for class in 6 hours and I needed sleep (even though I ended up skipping it anyway ).

Well I tried to create this away message last night. Haha bad idea, because when I was done, it said i was "893 characters over the 1024 character limit". That kind of pissed me off, which is why I say FUCK AIM and its 1024 character limit. Anyway, this might sound weird, but I for some reason saved what I wrote. Here is what I ORIGINALLY wanted in my away message last night:

"You know, it sucks when you realize that something is the way it is. And no matter HOW HARD or HOW MUCH you try to change it, or want it to change, nothing can be done about it. You just have to sit back, and deal with it. When you come to terms with that, that is the point in which you say to your self: "That fucking SUCKS". It does suck. It does make you feel bad. It does hurt. But what can you do? Nothing. Thats why its the way it is. You can't change it. No matter how much you want to, no matter how hard you try it will be the thing. People talk about going to hell when you die. I can't imagine a place more worse than this. Now don't get me wrong, im not getting all "emo" on you, of course the world is a great place, filled with love and happiness. But our universe is at an equal. For all happiness and love, there is unhappiness and suffering. For however much/high a love/happiness can be, there has to be that MUCH of hate/unhappiness/suffering to equal it out. Its just how things are. We live in a Balanced world. Whether you believe in 'evolution', the 'bible', the 'intelligent design' theory, or All of the above......we live in an equal universe. For all the amounts of negative, the same amount of positive has to happen to keep the balance of nature. I dont see how anything can be worse than that Negative, the bad things in life."

THEN I revised it, to try to make it better, and I wrote this:

"You know, it sucks when you realize that something is the way it is. And no matter how hard or how much you try to change it, or want it to change, nothing can be done about it. You just have to sit back, and deal with it. When you come to terms with that, that is the point in which you say to your self: "That fucking SUCKS". It does suck. It does make you feel bad. It does hurt. But what can you do? Nothing. Thats why its the way it is. You can't change it. No matter how much you want to, no matter how hard you try. You just have to sit back and take it. Sure you can question, and wonder, and say 'What if', but none of that matters, because in the end, things are still the way you don't want them to be. It is coming to terms with this, that hurts me the most. Having to deal with the way some things are, to me, is My Hell. I dont think anything could ever feel any worse than coming to terms with that. Sure there are happy things in life, and of course i have positive things going for me. Of course I dont live in hell, and millions of people have it worse than me. Im not stupid, I have more common sense than 3/4 of America. But for once, let me just express how I feel about these things I have to deal with. I dont ask for anyone to listen to me, for anyone to talk to. I don't open up to anyone. I keep it all inside. So just let me at least express myself here. Now I am going to go to bed, of course feeling bad, and im probably gonna feel just as bad tomorrow. Im going to leave this away message up, until after my class, and even maybe until after my community service is over. Then, I will start my (stupid ass) Xanga again, because I have thoughts I need to write (type) down to get them out of my head.

Goodnight, and have a good day."

I know it is alot to read, but if you dont read both, at least read the second one please, because it sort of describes how I feel.

Anyways, like what it says, it SUCKS when you have to sit there, and just DEAL with things, that you CANT DEAL with. When you feel used, and alone, it just sucks. Especially when you finally realize something you SHOULD have realized a year and a half ago. When everything all comes just crashing down and BLAM punches you in the face. I hate it. I HATE IT. I cant stand it. None of you probably even know what im talking about. Maybe 1 (probably the only person reading this) person kind of understands what im talking about.

All I can say is, next time (well there probably wont ever be a next time), its not going to be the same. Nothing is going to be the same. Not after that. Not after what happened. No way. I felt disgusted in myself. I wanted to puke. I am not saying I regret what happened, because I don't. But I am saying that I felt like a piece of shit afterwards, like a used rag thrown in a pile of mud which was then run over by a lawnmower, in which the pieces were then blown away and seperated forever. Thats how my feelings felt. Blown away, seperated forever.

Oh and just so you know, this isnt about just 1 situation, with 1 person. Its about a couple situations, with a couple people, so nobody please assume anything.

Like I said, no matter what you do, what you try, who you do, ANYTHING can change the set feelings of one person. And it SUCKS. Because no matter how much you KNOW that you should be together/she should feel different/you should feel different/you feel like shit/her feelings wont change (any/all of the above), it wont happen.

Ever.

And that is what hurts the most.

More than ever.

I am sorry for ranting on and on and on, and if anyone actually read this, I thank you for giving me your time, because I probably took up alot of it.

For anyone who read this far, thanks again.

Bye.

P.S. If YOU (you know who you are) read this whole thing, please dont take anything personal. Its just my stupid ass fault for letting things inside me get that far. You did nothing wrong, im the one at fault. If I could have had my stupid stubborn self realize things earlier, I wouldnt be this hurt. Remember, this isn't about 1 event, its about a couple of things with different people. So don't be sad at what you read, you did nothing wrong. It was all me.

Today is March 16th, 2006.

Exactly one year since the worst possible thing that could have ever happened.

Thats all im saying.