Ahh so here I sit, 2am burning music to my freshly wiped hard drive. Fun, aint it? (no not really). The only good part is that I get to listen to music, which is pretty much my only escape anymore. Well, I guess I cant also fail to mention this good ole' Xanga because I use this to sort of escape too (to get all my thoughts out of my mind).

But from what I hear, you people love hearing other people's problems and enjoy (well I dunno about enjoy) reading my xanga entries, (all 364568547645865687 pages of it) [that is exaggeration, by the way] so I might as well keep my dear, loyal readers informed/excited/busy/on-the-edge-of-their-seats. You catch my drift.

Ok, well where should I begin. Oh well it seems Armageddon (spelling?) is upon us. Our world is going to hell in a hand basket (i dont even know what that means, but it is). Lets see, well about 5-6 maybe 7 days ago there was some crazy coked out dude (not trying to be funny) that went into a school, molested some girls, shot 1, and killed himself. Then, the next day (i think?) there was ANOTHER school shooting, a principle was shot and killed. THEN, the NEXT day, a brazilian airliner went down and like 500 people died. THEN, the NEXT day, an overpass in Canada fell down injuring (maybe killing?) 5 people. THEN (yes, AGAIN) yesterday, ANOTHER crazy coked out dude went into a fucking AMISH school, killed 3 girls, shot 7 others, and then killed himself. Just one question.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?!

Im telling you, something really bad (worse than the 500 people dieing on the airplane, worse than the girls getting shot) is about to happen. And I personally dont really want to experience it.

Ok, now onto a personal level. (ok, this is where everyone stops reading and skips through to the end and then pretends that they read the whole thing. Yep, I know how it is)

Well, I am pretty unhappy (anyone that has talked/seen me ever since ive been to MC* is saying "NO SHIT" to themselves right now) and I dont know why. I think Kim was wonderful enough to pinpoint the problem, but I am not sure whether that is the real reason or not. She said that it seems as if I dont want to go to MC, and I would probably be happier at PSU.

Well, point blank, she is probably right (is this an "lol" moment?). Since my first day here, I have just felt......out of place. It is kind of hard to describe, but its worse than just a 'bad feeling'. It is sort of like, dammit I cant even explain it. I feel like I shoudlnt be here. Like I dont belong here. Ever since being here, I have felt alone/out-of-place/wierd/different/not-myself/like-an-alien. I just cant explain it. It is a feeling of unrest, like I dont belong here. And its not that I dont like MC, because I do, I think the college is cool and everything (notice I say college, and that means the buildings and campus, not the people). The people here are........something else haha. Ive met a few "kool kats" (chris, zach, gabe, andrew, carolyn, amanda, john, ashley........in no particular order, except for maybe 1) and thats about it. Everyone else brushes me off because im a "transfer" (OMG DID HE SAY TRANSFER?!?!?!?!) student. Yes, that is how it is here. You really do feel like an Alien. A green one. That is short. With a big grey head. A green, big-grey-headed alien with a short body.

Ontop of being an alien, things have just kept going wrong lately. And when someone asks "like what", I cant answer with anything except "everything", because it really has been everything. It seems like EVERYTHING is going wrong, and NOTHING is going right, and I dont know how else to take this other than 'signs' proving that I shouldn't be here (in MC). That is how I feel sometimes. Ok, most of the time. I feel that I should not be here, in Mercyhurst, in this apartment, in Erie in general. Nothing seems right. This feeling wont leave me. Dammit I wish I could fully explain it, but I really cant. I just dont feel like I belong here at this point in time, or at all. I HATE feeling this way. Waking up, asking yourself "why do i feel this way, and why am i still here?" every single day SUCKS FUCKING ASS. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!

I wish someone would just come up to me in the streets, and just stab me in the shoulder with a 4 inch blade. That way feeling what I do everyday wouldnt be so bad.

Now dont mistake these feelings with "i feel like i shouldnt be on earth" or "i shouldnt be alive blahblah EMO blahblah" because thats not what im saying at all. I just feel like I dont belong in MC, thats all. Maybe not even Erie.

This is probably the root of all my unhappiness. Why I get so angry all the time, why I am full of stress, why I feel down all the time, why im so easily bothered, just everything. Its probably why I feel like standing up and screaming at the top of my lungs, as loud as I can, for as long as I can right now.

I feel like this whole damn xanga entry is fucking pointless, because i cant even fucking explain how I feel, correctly. I dont know. Just with everything (and i mean everything) going wrong with me, its like hinting to me even more that I should just leave one night. Just pack up and leave, and not tell anyone. That way nobody will know im gone, nobody will know anything, and everyone here will be pissed at me for about 3 weeks until they forget I even exist (yea right, you all would probably throw a party). See, even RIGHT NOW I feel SO DAMN FRUSTRATED just because I cant even explain how I feel.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I just dont feel myself anymore :(. I feel like a walking shell, with no soul, doing some shitty daily routine for no reason at all. I get angered easily, I am full of stress, I argue with friends. I just dont like myself anymore. I am not me. This is not the Matthew Jones I knew 2 years ago. And i really dont know what to do about it anymore .

Im always sad, and my unhappiness increases with each and passing day.

Someone please make me happy again. And im serious. Please, somebody make me happy again :'(

:'( <---------Looks wierd/funny, but is seriously how im feeling right now :-/

Goodbye all. 

* : MC=Mercyhurst College.

P.S.

The title says there is romance involved. Well I dont remember writing any romance, so just go to this website: www.mariasmovies.com I am pretty sure you can find enough romance there to satisfy yourself.

Until next time, I will just be here, waiting for someone to hopefully come along and make me happy again.