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| Hahahaha...
ON HINDSIGHT,
my level of immaturity never fails to astound me.
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| KICK KICK SHUFFLE SHUFFLE
Then I saw this girl with the most beautiful hair; she had it wrapped around her for clothes she did not wear. I asked her for a lock, and she complied, after leaving gorgeous footsteps innocent - as if she didn't care.
We all dream. Of things that must not be mentioned, for the wind will blow them off your lips, and you will chase after it like a child who let go his balloon, and you will sprint and pant and cry, but you will never catch it again.
We all dream, of lovers that we will never meet, for if we do, our eyes will pick out a flaw and magnify it tenfold as if she isn't so perfect after all. She will taste sweet like candy, but our tongues will search for the slightest aftertaste and all she is is bitter coffee.
We all dream, and it's all we can do when the air grows dry and hot and your lips are chapped and your feet are bruised and your mouth is parched and there is no other escape from the growing pressure but to grasp and crawl and cling and dream.
My life is hell. You may be working sixteen hours a day to feed your ten starving children and your wife who will not stop nagging at your miserable pay and who cooks the worst porridge you've ever tasted, so spank my ass and call me ignorant and selfish.
I hate struggling not to procrastinate. Aside from that I fucking especially hate having to explain my actions to people who don't even matter. So Abraham, you can't do what you want when you want how you want and so you're going to have a cry about it on your weblog that nobody reads? Yeah. That's just what I'm going to do.
I'll cry if I want to, bitch.
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| FLAUNTING AND FLOUNDERING
Today I skipped English class. It was terrible, but I probably wouldn't have learned anything, and my teacher would have backhanded me cause I didn't do the work which was due two weeks ago. I've got class with her tomorrow (bad bad bad) so I'm skipping school.
Sometimes when I really don't want to do something I'll take sickness as a way out. But I am never really too sick to do it. Back when I played rugby, I'd sort of.. psycho myself into being sick. And I think being sick is 60% state of mind. When it's not a serious illness, your body would probably be fine if you just carried on with your daily routine. But when you WANT to be sick, your mind subconsciously tells your lymphocytes to suppress their germicide, or in the case of my brain, to "back th' fuck up, white boys!"
And then you fall ill. Ill enough to console your school-loving conscience, but not ill enough to do the things you enjoy - playing internet poker at wsop.aol.com, playing World of Warcraft (TBC), playing with foreskin and scrotum, and all other sorts of games.
I think I'm going to flunk math. I got a 7 last year, but this year I got drafted into the weak class cause of my subject combination. The "faster" class is finished with integration, and my class, half-filled with people who have brains resembling that of slugs, just started. This means by the time it's May and the syllabus is over, I'm going to be cheated of 2 to 3 weeks of revision because the einsteins over at SL2 math will have finished half their revision, and we'd have just finished the syllabus.
Also, I'd like to add that my class has upwards of 25 students, and the other, faster class, has upwards of 30 students. Not only is that testament to the crapness of SL1 math, but also of the school in general. I want to shoot the morons in charge.
Anyway, I ought to shut up lest I get caned for saying shit that's true, oh no. If I got sent for caning I'd call Dr Ong a poopoohead in front of the whole school and run around the stage with Sammy trying to catch me. Thankfully for both me and Dr Ong, that's not going to happen. You, on the other hand, would be so entertained!
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| WAR
Uh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!
I have been told that I am too headstrong. I agree. It happens when you have an ego like I do; when you think you're better than everyone else -- the truth is, I'm not. Or at least, not by most standards. The thing I don't like about school, about Singapore, about the concept of system in itself, is that it tries to quantify your ability. Into how many As you've got. Into how many service hours you've earned.
But you and I both know that life isn't made of numbers or paragraphs, nor is your self worth derived from meeting criteria in a rubric. Good. Satisfactory. Mediocre. That is what I am, this is what you are. This is who they've made me us out to be.
By most standards, I'm a nobody. I'm one of those lads at the very peak. Not the peak of achievement, but at the very peak of Boltzman distribution. I'm at the median, or mean, or mode, or whatever you would like to call it. I'm just average. 35 points, some As, some Bs, some Cs, not good at this, passable at that. I do not excel nor do I fail.
Your success in academia is not dependent on how intelligent you are, but instead is determined by the number of As you get. How difficult is it to get an A? Well, Abraham, if it's that easy, then go do it. Get your 45 points. Show up the world, beat them on their turf and shut them up with their standards.
You call it an excuse, but I call it a reason. I'm headstrong. I'm not going to give in. I'm not going to be a little pawn, another little statistic in their pathetic attempts at qualifying me as a person. I am not on your bell curve because I refuse to be.
It's quite evident that I have a problem with authority. Why is this so? What is wrong with system? Why can't I just follow the rules? Do I come late for school so often because I genuinely have a problem waking up? Or is it just the attitude that, well, I'm above the system, and hence have a right to defy it. Well, that's the truth. I'm above these petty rules, I'm above these fucking clowns who parade themselves with authority above their breast pockets.
And this is why I'm headstrong. Because I believe that I am better than you. Because my respect for you is dependent on whether or not you are worthy. Sadly, few are worthy of my respect. Yes, my ego is that big. Yes, I am that disillusioned. I think I am that good. It's almost laughable. But by all accounts, it's true.
This is why I'm not doing the things that I enjoy, or the things that I have passion for. Instead, I'm chasing success. I'm chasing achievement, and I'm chasing recognition. This is why I have to earn millions of dollars every year and this is why I need to be the best. Because I believe myself to be. And if there is nothing sadder than someone who thinks he is a failure, it is a failure who thinks he is someone.
I am chasing the greenest grass. I am chasing the biggest dollar, the brightest star, the grandest possessions. And if I do not get it, then I have lost this war. This war, which is about pride, which is about strength of character, not in your quantifiable "fruit of the spirit" and "christlike virtues", but in the courage and the conscious, measured arrogance that it takes for someone to defy that which everybody else convenes to.
I am not going to get it. I am not going to be a billionaire, because I do not deserve it. Because I think I am too good for it. I'm too good for possessions of this world, of petty and meaningless currency. Because I don't have the strength of character, and the courage, and the conscious, measured arrogance that it takes for someone who knows that the system is a joke, and yet convenes to it, plays by its rules, and wins by its rules and comes out on top.
I do not have what it takes. This is why I will die as a soldier in this war and be buried as a failure and a joke. By both our standards.
War; what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.
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| MOTIVATION SCHMOETIVATION
I
am quite possibly, the worst procrastinator I know.
spend all day mindlessly slaying digital dragons when I could be doing things in real life.
wish I had a beard long enough such that I could say things like "life is overrated", and nobody would fault me for it.
think that beauty on the outside > beauty on the inside.
think that I should be stabbed in the eyes for even insinuating that being attractive is a valuable trait.
have not touched a piece of work since the holidays started.
have not picked up a golf club since my first lesson a month ago.
have not done any exercise since I told myself I'd get fit a month and a half ago.
am best friends with self pity.
don't want to go back to school.
But enough about me. Let's talk about you.
You,
read blogs on the internet and wish you were as entertaining as some of the people you think you know.
spend hours at a time on Friendster because those people there really are your friends!
are tone deaf and not afraid to show it.
can't hold your alcohol. At all.
are a firm believer in hypocrisy.
love school because you're so popular there, and everybody loves you. So much.
smell like crap.
Merry christmas and a happy new year!
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