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| ehh. PROLOGUE
Nervously, I sat and poured over my sheet music on the cold concrete floors outside the audition room of the New York Theater Workshop. I adjusted my fishnets and pulled my denim skirt tight under me as I sat on my knees. I bit my lip and took a deep breath, twirling my recently dyed deep brown hair around my finger. "You can do this" I thought to myself. Soon after, someone else came in and sat next to us. He looked awfully out of breath and flustered, but seemed friendly enough. They called my name. I crossed my fingers, standing up, adjusting the black flats on my feet. "Good luck" someone said. "Thanks" I said aloud, not knowing who to direct it to. I pushed open the red doors. I warmly smiled at the table of people. "Hello"
"Hi Sarah. Glad you could make it."
"Thanks, me too!" A curly headed man whom I knew was Jonathan Larson (I'd briefly workshopped another one of his plays- Superbia) smiled at me. I waved. The woman told me to give my music to the pianist. "What are you singing?"
"Just for you Johnny, I picked 'What About Love'. The furthest thing from 'Come to Your Senses' I had in my collection."
He smiled and gave me a thumbs up."Good song. Ready?"
"Yep!" I took a deep breath and waited for the opening chords.
"I've been lonely
I've been waiting for you
I'm pretending and that's all I can do
The love I'm sending
Ain't making it through to your heart
You've been hiding, never letting it show
Always trying to keep it under control
You got it down and you're well
On your way to the top
But there's something that you forgot
What about love
Don't you want someone to care about you
What about love
Don't let it slip away
What about love
I only want to share it with you
You might need it someday
I can't tell you what you're feeling inside
And I can't sell you what you don't want to buy
Something's missing you got to
Look back on your life
You know something here just ain't right
What about love
Don't you want someone to care about you
What about love
Don't let it slip away
What about love
I only want to share it with you"
I closed my eyes and sang with as much emotion as I had inside me. I opened my eyes and smiled nervously as my heart slowed to its normal pace. "Nice job," Tim, the pianist said.
"Thanks"
One of the men at the table introduced himself as Michael Greif. "We'd like to ask you to come back for a callback audition. The first song on here is one of the duets between Roger and Mimi, The second one is Jonathan's first draft of Mimi's solo song"
"I'm working on it" he smiled. Michael handed me a tape. I grinned.
"Thank you guys so much!"
I stepped outside of the building onto the sidewalk and threw my arms in the air, letting out a silent breath of excitement. This could be something amazing, if I didn't screw it up.
I climbed the musty staircase to my apartment, hearing the rain start to pour outside. "Greaatt" I muttered, pulling open the door.
"Hey," my roommate, Jeff, said, not looking up from his computer
"Hey, how's it coming?" I asked of the script he was working on.
"Eh," he mumbled, chewing on a stick of string cheese.
"I got a callback," I announced, dumping out the bucket of dirty rain water that was collecting the leaks from our ceiling down the drain.
"Congrats" he said, although I didn't think he'd really heard me. I grabbed my boom-box and walked to my room, shutting the door. I plugged it into the wall, opening up the folder of sheet music. "Out Tonight" I read aloud, hitting play. Jonathan's familiar rock musical style echoed off the thin walls. Subconsciously, I found myself tapping my foot in time. He really had something here.
"In the evening, I've got to roam, can't sleep in this city of neon and chrome--feels too damn much like home when the Spanish babies cry. so let's find a bar, so dark we forget who we are, and all the scars from the nevers and maybes die"
Genius, I smiled to myself, standing up and trying to learn the music, adding a little bit of my own choreography and personality to it.
I sang the lyrics to myself for the next few days, as I stood over the stove making food, walking to my job(I hadn't been in a show recently), in the shower.
When the time for the audition finally came, I was as ready as I'd ever be(cliche much). It was a balmy autumn morning, as I jogged down to the Workshop. "Morning," I smiled, stepping into the studio. "Hey--like the song?"
"Love it!"
"Really? Great. Let's hear it."
I nodded, stretching my arms up to the ceiling. I looked down at my clunky sneakers. "Mind if I take these off? I think I can move around better barefoot"
"Sure, go for it"
"Cool" I breathed, sliding my shoes off. The pianist pounded out the rock-style chords. As I got into the song, I saw Jon grinning out of the corner of my eye, motivating me even more. "...tonight." I ended. The two of them clapped. I took a deep breath and a little bow, smiling. "Thanks."
"Excellent job." I grinned.
"You've got it." My eyes widened. Just like that? That never happens. Ever.
"Wow, thank you guys so much."
"Thank you, we're really excited to get the cast together working, but we still need to cast a few more people. Anthony, who's playing Mark, is coming in any time now. Would you just stand in for Maureen and try out a duet song for us?"
"Oh, sure" I smiled, excited to hear more music from the show
"Take a load off, you sang your ass off, after all," Jon smiled.
I sat on the floor and chugged some water. "Woo!" I laughed. We chatted happily about small talkish things for a few minutes before Anthony came. "
"Hello!" he greeted us, putting his bag down.
I waved back brightly. "Sarah's our Mimi," Michael introduced, "but she's gonna stand in today until we find a Maureen." He nodded, and shook my hand. "Great to meet you."
"Yeah, you too!" I looked at him for a minute, he looked really familiar. "Have we met before?"
"Uh, I don't know..."
"He's done a lot of plays and films," Jon piped in
I grinned. "Adventures in Babysitting."
He blushed "Out of everything I've done" He laughed, "No, it's cool though."
I smiled. They handed us the music to the song, "You'll Get Over It" I got excited as I scanned the music "Looks fun"
Anthony laughed "Yeah"
"So...should I attempt to play this in Maureen's character or just sing thru it so you guys can just hear it?"
"You can try the character if you want, that'd be cool"
"Unless I'm awful" I smirked.
"I doubt that. Just go for it."
"It's time's like these I really appreciate...Mark!"
Anthony and I both instantly connected with the song. We had a blast singing through lyrics like "tell me what it's like for a girl and a girl" Michael and Jonathan seemed to thoroughly enjoy our performances of the piece. "Great, that works pretty well I think?" Jonathan said, looking tentatively at Michael, who didn't respond. Anthony stuck around at the theatre when I left, going off to quit my job hostessing at the Italian restaurant.
I trudged up the stairs to my apartment again, with a sort of spring in my step. I pulled open the bulky door, hard, it always got stuck on the frame. Jeff still sat at his computer. "Haven't moved?"
"Yeah, I did. I took a shower."
I looked over at him, smirking. "The water's been shut off since last night."
"Oh...oh yeah. No, I haven't moved then. I guess that was yesterday."
I smiled to myself, resisting the urge to roll my eyes at his absentmindedness, as I poured myself a bowl of dry cereal. "I'll pay the bill today"
"Thanks, owe you"
"Yeah yeah--you're lucky I got a raise before I quit."
Finally the day came for our first rehearsal. I was excited to see the whole cast assembled together. I pulled on a pair of jeans, with a rip in the knee I had yet to fix. I shrugged standing in front of the mirror. "Good enough", I muttered, pulling on a beat up CBGBs t-shirt and flip flops, tying my hair back. I stepped out of my room, seeing the freezing rain pouring outside the windows. I grabbed a sweatshirt and an umbrella. "Jeff?" I called out. No response. I shrugged and left. As the wet pavement squished under the rubber of my shoes, I started to get nervous. What if everyone was amazing, and I was totally out of place? I tried to just chill out and concentrate on getting there. I got there right on time, slightly damp if anything. I pushed open the heavy doors to a warm blast of air. I took my hair down, scrunching my fingers thru it as I put down my umbrella. I saw Anthony along with some other people I didn't recognize. I walked over. "Hey" I said, smiling. "Hey Sarah, this is Mark, he's playing Angel." "Nice to meet you," I smiled. "Same to you. So, you guys ready?" "Yeah, I'm a little nervous, but I always am at first." Anthony nodded, agreeing. Jonathan walked in from another room. "Hello!"
"Hey Jon."
"Hey Sarah! I didn't mention this to you the other day, but I like the way you have your hair right now. It works well for Mimi."
I scrunched up my nose, twirling a lock of the dark brown tresses around my finger, "Do you really? I hate it, I'm just waiting for the color to wash out, I had it for another show"
He smiled. "Well we'll figure something out."
Matt looked at me questioningly. "What's your natural hair color?"
"Like dirty blondish"
He nodded. I smiled. "Sooner or later, the roots'll grow out and it'll look like I'm balding, then you'll see."
They laughed. The musical director, Tim, clapped to get our attention. "Looks like you're all here, c'mon, wake up, gather 'round the piano." he said with an uncommon amount of energy. I headed over, pulling the hair tie off my wrist to put my hair up again.
"Sarah, focus" Jonathan laughed. I giggled, leaning against the piano "Okay, okay"
Tim sang us the opening bars to a song called Seasons of Love- "525, 600 minutes- 525, 600 moments so dear" As we sung it back, there was an instant chill down my spine. Our voices blended extremely well, and the beautiful tones of Jonathan's words filled the room. I glanced over at Jonathan out of the corner of my eye. He had a huge grin on his face as he sat in the chair, watching us intently.
----
The day before we began rehearsals for the full studio production, Jonathan invited the entire cast to his annual Peasant's Feast. I was helping Jon get the food together before a lot of the people got there. "Cute dress," he complimented. I smiled, spinning around so the frilled black hem twirled out from the red dress. "Yeah I love it, Thanks hun" A blond haired guy I'd never seen before walked into the room. I tapped Jon's back. "Who's that?" He turned around, and grinned. "That'd be your Roger." The guy turned, and I could see his face. He was hot. "You're a god" I whispered to Jonathan, who laughed. "Let me go introduce you". We walked over towards him- he was looking rather forlorn. "Adam! Great to see you, glad you could make it."
Adam smiled and shook his hand firmly "Thanks for having me!" His eyes shifted to mine. Jon thankfully made the introduction, "This is Sarah Moore, she's playing Mimi."
I smiled and shook his, "Hey, good to finally meet you". He laughed "Same to you, I'm excited to get started, and learn what this stuff is all about" I smiled, sort of confused. "Sar, Adam's never done any theater before, but don't worry, he's the real deal." He patted Adam on the back, "I'll leave you two to it."
I laughed, watching him walk away. "And that's typical Jonathan." He laughed also, nodding. "You'll get the hang of the acting, I'm sure. I'll help ya out. If Jon believes in you, then you're somebody. He's helped my career so much."
"I could definitely use that right about now," he said with a laugh. "I was totally stuck after my band split up and all." I smiled, my eyes lighting up. I always fell for musicians. "You had a band? Where'd you play?" He smiled, leaning against the wall. "The standard, CBGBs, stuff like that." I looked directly at him, suddenly remembering. "Wait...were you guys called Mute?" He raised his eyebrow. "Mhm...how'd you know?" I laughed. "Saw you guys one time at CBGBs. You guys were great" "Thanks! But yeah...didn't work. We never got further than the clubs and we figured we should just give up and give it a rest." I nodded, knowing the feeling. "Been there...well not exactly, but in a way." I saw Anthony walk in thru the door. "Oh, Anthony's here, I'll introduce you." I waved him over. "Hey, this is Adam Pascal, he's playing Roger." I raised my eyebrows, and made a face to tell Anthony how hot I thought he was. Anthony saw me, and stifled his laughter well.
"Oh, great to meet you!" They shook hands. I was about to say something else when Jonathan tapped his fork to his glass. He made a heartfelt speech, thanking us all for playing his friends whom he'd lost. I smiled to Anthony across the table, so excited to dive into the material again. Adam and I had some great conversations throughout the night, we had a lot of fun. He was really sweet, charming. Naturally, I had to give him my number. "Do you know how to get to the theater and all? cause you don't live around here..."
"Uh, I'm pretty sure. If I don't make it, you'll know why."
I laughed. "Well, here" I scrawled my phone number out onto a scrap of paper, handing it to him. "Call me in the morning if you think you need directions, or if you get lost on the way."
"Awesome, thanks. I won't die now." I smiled, rolling my eyes slightly. He was too cute.
I said goodbye to everyone as I got my coat and got ready to leave. "Rapp!" Anthony turned around. I put my two fingers in front of my eyes and then pointed to his- "Tomorrow. Ready to kick it?", I said with a crazy fake karate kick. He smiled. "Absolutely." I punched the air. "Woo! Bye Johnny" I waved, beginning to walk out. "Sarah, lemme hear it" Jon called after me. I spun around, pausing for a second to figure out what he was asking. "Oh! Ouuuuuttttt tonight" I wailed, grinning. Everyone clapped, and I took a dramatic bow. "See y'all."
~~~~~~
"Hey Sarah, can I talk to you for a sec?"
"Surely my dear" I said, setting my libretto down on the chair. "Gimme a sec", i said to Adam, holding up my pointer finger. I plopped down on a chair next to Jon, pulling my legs to my chest. "Shoot."
"I was thinking about having you...Mimi, sing Without You, like to Roger..."
"yes."
He smiled. "You like that?"
"Yeah. Not just because I've been dying to sing it- it's beautiful...but like, it makes it all flow better, makes sense."
He nodded. "That's what I thought. All right awesome."
I clapped my hands together. "Yay."
He wrote something down in his little spiral notebook. "Great, All right, you can go back to your crash course training now", he said, shooing me with his hand, marking something on his notepad. I laughed, and saluted him. "Yes sir!"
Adam sighed as he thumbed thru the pages of the script. "I need to get up on my musical theater."
"Nah, it'll just ruin you", I smiled
"Who's ruining who?" Anthony walked up.
I turned around. "Get back to work, slacker!" I said, slapping his leg.
"Oh, cause you're working so hard."
"Hardly working" Adam muttered
"Shhh." I stood up, pushing against the wall. "Okay, Adam. Ready? We're gonna do this again."
He nodded, yawning as he stood up. "Okey doke."
I knocked against the wall, hurting my knuckles. "Aw shit." He tried to stifle his laugh. I shot him a death glare as I shook my hand out. "Watch it, you don't want to get on my list on day 1."
"You have a list?!"
I raised my eyebrows, making a seductive James Bond look at him. "If I told you anymore, I'd have to kill you." I ducked behind a different wall, and knocked. I heard Anthony laugh, but I ignored it. I didn't know what the hell he was doing anyway.
"What'd you forget?"
"Got a light?"
I went thru the song, guiding Adam along the way, but considering it was mostly flirtatious acting for that number, it wasn't a big deal.
"See this isn't so hard."
"Guess you're right, but I'm worried about Another Day."
I smiled. "You've gotta yell, but don't scream. You're pissed, but you have a good heart, it's just broken. You're scared." I saw Jonathan nod at that statement in the corner.
I motioned a thumbs up to him, smiling. "You're really showing how closed off & broken down Roger is: 'the fire's out anyway', 'your sweet whisper I just can't handle'. Plus, she's a druggie, and you just don't want to be around that shit anymore." Adam nodded, still seeming apprehensive. "Okay, try it," I said, sitting down at the piano. He sang thru the bars. "Okay, good, you're not yelling it, you've got a good medium, but instead of just the emotion with your voice, and even your eyes, you've got to project it to the audience with your body language as well. Get up, slam your hand down, push me, whatever, you're pissed!"
He laughed. "I'm not gonna hurt you."
"I don't care, I trust you," I said, smiling.
"Okay so you have all the notes and such down fine, but we knew that wouldn't be a problem," I smiled, flipping back to the first page of music.
"The easiest thing to do is just...you know, put yourself in the situation. I'm sure you've had this before---you're starting a new relationship, you're kinda scared, nervous. But you really care for them." I looked up into his eyes, and he was smiling. "Plus, we just realized that one another was HIV+, so you're ready to start to open your heart to me, cause I--" I paused, blushing slightly. "I mean she won't judge him be cause he's positive, got baggage " He nodded, looking like he really got it.
"Got it?"
"Yeah, makes a lot of sense."
"Good, good."
After a few weeks of insane amounts of flirting later, Adam asked me out to dinner. I rushed home to get dressed after rehearsal one night. I was hopping around with one pink shoe on when I heard Adam rap on the door. " 'S open!" I called, pulling my shoe out from under the couch. He squeaked the door open. "Hey". I turned around, adjusting my outfit. "Hey! Long time no see." He smiled. "Yeah you too, you look fantastic" I smiled. "Thanks, you're just not used to seeing me out of rehearsal scrubs or an S&M costume." He laughed, taking my hand. "But they're hot blue pants." I nodded thoughtfully. "This is true.
"So, you ready?" he asked, his hand sliding to my waist.
"Mhm," I nodded, grabbing my purse off the table. "Let's go." We took a cab uptown to a cute little restaurant. We sat down at a booth in the back, giggling about the rehearsal earlier in the day. I'd forgotten the beginning of Happy New Year, so the exchange became
"I'm giving up my vices..." *long pause"
"Really?"
"Yeah...I'm...giving up drugs...?"
"No, you're not."
"Oh right, I'm not, *giggle fit* I'm going back, back to school. Eviction or not..." etc, etc.
"It's my job to screw up, not yours," he teased.
"Yeah, I know, but I blanked! I'm not perfect, y'know."
"Coulda fooled me."
"Aw stop"
He smiled, ordering himself a beer. I got myself an iced tea. "Y' don't drink?" he said, looking up from his menu. "Well, occasionally, but not much."
He nodded slightly, "Good. I don't like to date drunks."
I laughed. "Much experience in that area?"
"A bit, yeah. Considering I spent most of my college days playing in bars and clubs"
I nodded. "True, slim pickings I guess."
He grinned. "Mhm. So how bout you? Did you go to school?"
I nodded, "Double majored in education and musical theatre at NYU, buutt I didn't graduate."
"Ah, a true New Yorker. Yeah me neither." It took a minute for me to register what he said.
"Yeah slackers!" I said with a smile, clinking glasses. "Even though I do want to go back to school."
"I don't," he smirked.
"Well hey, to each his own. I didn't think it thru when I left--it was very impulsive"
"I hated school"
I smiled, loving the ease with which he said, not regretting it a bit, a quality I desired in myself. "I wanted to play my fucking music."
"Which you did."
"Yep. And now I'm in theater," he said with a slight look of disbelief.
"But it's good theater. Are you liking it though?"
"Yeah, y'know, I am."
"Good!"
"Dunno if I'd like it as much without you...and Anthony." he said, seeming to be attempting to cover up the shameless flirting. I smiled at him, before taking a bite of my salad.
After eating, we decided to hit up CBGBs. We pushed onto the cracked dance floor, finding a space. I pressed my body up against the front of Adam's, facing away from him, his arms around my slender waist as we moved with the music. My body felt so right against his, my stomach fluttering. He leaned in toward me, kissing the nape of neck, causing chills of pleasure to run down my back. "Mm, love that" I whispered. He kissed my neck again, and I felt his hot breath. I turned, kissing him intensely on the lips, obviously taking him by surprise, my hand resting above his ass. He smiled as his forehead rested against mine. "Wanna get out of here?" he asked in a low raspy whisper, entangling his fingers with mine, I looked around at the crowded club. I was about to say yes, when the band changed to a slow song. "One more," I said, teasing him as I rested my arms around his neck. He nodded, sliding his hands back to what was becoming his favorite spot, around my waist. "I'm glad we got to get out like this tonight"
"Yeah, me too. Good to be out of the confines of the theater"
"I remember when I was home and saw your band...my friends and I were sitting over there I think..." I pointed to an area near the bar. "I believe my best friend has the EP on cassette, Divine's a great song"
"Well, thanks. Glad we had a few fans."
"Yep. Helps that guys with guitars are totally sexy," I winked.
"I'm beginning to think that charismatic actresses are damn sexy too"
I kissed him gently. He smiled, shaking his head. "Such a tease."
I grinned, biting my lower lip. "Me? Never."
As we walked out, I untied my hair from the loose bun it was in, letting my waves fall across my shoulders. "So, do you wanna head back to my place? It's just a few blocks down-" He smoothly spun me sideways, pressing me up against the wall, kissing me deeply. "Guess that's a yes," I smiled, ruffling his hair before gripping his hand and leading him down the block. I was falling hard and fast, and for once, I didn't care.
I felt a drop of water on my arm and I looked up. Soon, it began to drizzle. I smiled, spinning around with my arms outstretched. "I love nighttime rain." I looked up at the sky again, the rain starting to pour harder.
"Yes, it's obvious you do. But don't you wanna get inside?" he asked, pulling his jacket close around him and motioning toward the door of my building. I shook my head, placing my hands on his face, pulling him close to me & kissing him passionately- the rain pouring around us, our soaking bodies close. He sucked on my lower lip, his hand in my back jean pocket.
I pulled him inside by the front of his shirt to the warmth of my apartment. I peeled off his jacket, draping it over the chair. He unbuttoned the front of his shirt, his gorgeous chest coming into my view. I kissed the top of his chest as he untied the front of my top, sliding it off. My window suddenly began to drip loudly. I sighed, closing my eyes for a second. "Shit. Hold on, okay?" I said, running over to relatch the window frame, mopping the puddle that was forming with a rag and setting a dry towel underneath to catch any drops. Adam came up behind me, massaging my shoulders. I let my body relax, "Feels great babe." I turned back to him, smiling as I placed my hands on his shoulders.
He leaned in, kissing my neck gently. "I want you Sar," he said in his husky whisper. "You got me."
Hours later, we lied in bed, my head resting on his chest. "I'm falling," I said quietly. There was a slight pause before he replied. He nodded, kissing the top of my head. "Me too babe." As we lay there, listening to the rain, he said "You're unlike any girl I've been with before."
I smiled, tilting my head up to look at him, "How so?"
He grinned. "You're not a whore. You're beautiful, intelligent, classy, amazing..."
God, he was too perfect. I kissed him deeply, drifting off to sleep on his shoulder.
The sun streamed in through the windows, waking me up as always. I looked over to see Adam sleeping peacefully on his side. I smiled, touching his warm shoulder as I stood up to get ready & get dressed. After I'd showered and dried my hair, I walked back into my bedroom in a bathrobe, seeing Adam waking up.
"Heyyy," I smiled.
He yawned sitting up, "Hey sweetheart."
"Sleep well?" I asked, opening my closet.
"Mhmm, very." He stood up, and walked behind me, wrapping his arms around me. I smiled, kissing the top of his arm. I pulled a short sleeved dress out of the closet, and held it up against myself. "Yeah, very cute."
"K, I'll wear it then." I said, looking down at the floor and then looking back up at him. "God, I can't stop smiling around you!"
"Good, I love your smile." I kissed him gently before going back into the bathroom to get ready.
Later in the day, we went down to the theater for our 1st full run through rehearsal. "Johnnnyyy I'm excited!" I said, bounding into the theater and sliding across the floor in my flats. He grinned, "We better get started before your energy burns out."
"No, I'm just happy, leave me alone," I said pouting.
Adam lifted me up above him, spinning me around. I squealed with delight and looked up at him, wanting to tell him I loved him. I almost got it out when Michael walked in and clapped his hand for us to get into our places. I blew Adam a kiss as I hopped down from his arms and ran backstage.
"She's a freakin' Energizer bunny," Anthony laughed.
"Only when it comes to her theatre." Jon said with a smile.
We continued to work through Another Day as rehearsals went on, probably more than anything else. "Try hopping off the table and crossing upstage left." He looked at me with a blank stare. I smiled. "Sorry. There." I pointed. "Upstage is back, down is front- left is left, right is right." He looked intently from the table to me, trying so hard to get it. "You don't have to do that...it's okay if it takes you awhile."
"Sorry"
"Oh, don't apologize, it's fine. I don't mind," I said, with a reassuring smile. "Need a break?"
"Yeah, I could use a cig," he said, sighing.
"All right, go" I said, collapsing into a seat in the audience. Jonathan came and sat next to me. "I really appreciate what you're doing for him, he's improving so much."
"No prob. I like coaching him, he's got great instincts, just gotta get him started. I've played opposite much worse," I said with a slight eyeroll.
"You mean Tony?"
I laughed. "I never said that!"
Jonathan smiled, staring off into space. "So what're you thinking?" "I'm thinking big," he said, putting his hands out in front of him, as if imagining a marquee. I nodded. "Yeah, it's something. I don't know...it's just so....fresh, and incredibly hardhitting at the same time"
He grinned. "Yeah. I'm proud. If it doesn't take off....I don't know what I'll do."
"Don't worry, you'll be a star," I said, rubbing his arm reassuringly.
Jonathan laughed. "Me?! Look at you!"
Adam walked back in. "Hey"
"Hello"
"Actually, Adam, sit down. Sarah, get up there and do Out Tonight."
I nodded, hopping onto the stage, as Michael came in the back. I stretched my legs out and got ready to dance. "Hey Michael," I waved. "Hello!" Wilson was hanging out backstage, having worked on his dancing for Today 4 U earlier that morning.
"Yeah...I don't know, this isn't working for me today. Can you...I don't know, make it edgier?"
"How so, I'm trying but, I don't know in what area you mean....the dancing, mannerisms? or is it the singing?"
"All of it, I don't know!"
"You can't just tell her it's bad and not tell her why."
"I just did."
"You're kidding me right?"'
"No, I'm not kidding. You see it too, I know you do."
"Not exactly."
"Out Tonight isn't working for me anymore, I don't find it believable..."
"What do you mean believable? She wants him to take her out!"
"She's your character, you should know that's not what an S&M dancer-"
They walked out of the theater, still fighting. I leaned against the staircase, sighing heavily. Adam was watching from the wings, looking concerned. He was still such a rookie. I smiled at the apprehensive expression on his face, and walked towards him, kissing him on the cheek. "Don't worry babe"
"What's gonna happen?"
I sipped my bottle of water. "I don't know Adam. Maybe they'll compromise and come back in here like nothing happened. Or maybe they'll recast the part. I don't have any control."
He looked shocked. "They can just do that?"
I leaned up against the wall. "They can do whatever the hell they want. I'm not under a contract."
Wilson walked up. "What's going on?"
"Michael and Jon are just fighting about me, it's no big deal"
"They can't just recast you!"
"They're recasting?!"
"Guys, chill out, it's no big deal. I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm just gonna go get some air, k? Somebody come get me if they come back." I walked towards the stage door.
"Wait, Sarah, c'mere" Wilson trailed after me.
"Yeah?"
"Really, what's going on?"
I sighed. "I was working on Out Tonight, and Michael was getting frustrated with my performance, and then they started getting into it and...yeah. I mean, if something happens, it happens. I was never guaranteed to be with you guys anyway, it was always a 'maybe' "
Wilson wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "I hope you stay. I think you're amazing."
I smiled. "Thanks hun, really. But, I'm used to this. Maybe, this theater thing, this acting thing isn't for me."
"Don't say that. It's just-"
"I know what you're gonna say. It's just one show. But it's not. I've barely been in a show since I moved up here. Maybe, maybe I should just go...this isn't...I love this city, but maybe it's not for me. Maybe I'm not cut out for this life. You can only work so hard"
He sighed, clearly not sure how to respond. As if on cue, Michael stuck his head backstage. "Sarah, can we talk?" I nodded, raising my eyebrow at Wilson. "1 sec." He went back behind the curtain. "Told you" I mouthed, taking a sip of my water before heading back onstage.
"What's up?" I asked, leaning against the wall of the stage. Jon was sitting in the corner, chewing on the corner of a pencil, pouring over a script, not looking up---clearly not happy.
"Well, I'm sure you sensed something was going on..." I nodded. "We're thinking that maybe you're not the best person to play Mimi in this production" I sighed gently, biting my lip. I knew it. I just didn't want to believe it. "It's been great working with you, but I'm afraid it's not gonna work out." I nodded, again. Although I was expecting it, it was still somewhat of a blow. "Okay, yeah I understand."
Jon looked up. "You're very talented, no hard feelings, okay? I just think...probably the only time in your career your classical training will work against you"
I smiled. "Thanks. Yeah, 'course not. It's been a great ride." I picked up my bag that was sitting off to the side. "See y'all around" I stepped backstage again, to see Wilson and Adam standing there anxiously. I shrugged. "It's over", I whispered, biting my lip. They both hugged me, telling me how much they'd miss me, how unfair it was, etc. "Guys, you're too sweet, it's okay." I sighed looking up at the ceiling. "But I am gonna miss this." It took a lot of strength not to cry. Adam gently wrapped his arms around my waist, mussing my hair. I closed my eyes, not wanting to forget this moment, not knowing where things were headed for Adam and me. He kissed me, and I returned it before pulling away. "All right guys, I'm gonna go. I love you all, tell everyone I said bye, I wanna keep in touch- call me, okay? Make Jon proud, make me proud. The show's amazing. Break some legs and rock it out. See y'later Adam. " I blew them kisses and pushed open the backstage door onto the street. I waved one last goodbye. I started walking, not quite sure where I was going. I saw Anthony heading toward me, probably going to rehearsal. I waved and smiled, but didn't mention anything had happened, knowing he'd find out eventually, and I didn't think I could hold it together to break the news to him.
About a month later, I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing. I sat up, fumbling for my glasses as I pushed my hair out of my face and reached over Adam to grab the phone. "Hello?"
"Sarah? It's me."
"Hey Anth, morning."
"Did I wake you?"
"Yeah...but it's okay. What's up?"
He sighed heavily on the other end. "Um...I...Jonathan's dead."
"What?!" I didn't know what to do. My heart was racing, the room was spinning..."Oh my god..." I managed, grabbing onto my nightstand to steady myself.
"I'm so sorry to be the one to tell you...he died last night after the show...we're all meeting down at the workshop."
I swallowed hard, nodding to myself. "Okay, thanks hun...See you in a bit."
"Bye honey." I clicked the phone down, not sure what to do. I leaned over, shaking Adam awake. "Baby..."
"Hmm?" he opened his eyes, barely awake.
"You gotta get up," I managed. "Bad news."
He looked up at me. "What's going on?"
"Jonathan died last night." I said, feeling tears pour down my cheeks.
"Wha---oh my god." I buried my head in his chest, forcing myself to stop crying. "Anthony just called, everybody's meeting at the theater," I said, muffled by his body.
He nodded. "Okay... all right." I stood up to get dressed
"Sweetheart....I'm so sorry. I know how close you were..."
I shrugged, waving my hand as if it was no big deal. "Nobody did it on purpose baby," I subconsciously dried my eyes, although there weren't any tears left to dry
got up and dressed, in a daze.
Walking down to the workshop, I was too shocked even to cry. How, why? He was healthy, the show had just premiered and was a sure fire hit. I stepped into the studio, seeing everyone around me in a tearful daze. Anthony was sitting against the wall in the corner, staring at the floor. "C'mere babe," I whispered, walking towards him. I could tell he was trying not to cry, as well. He looked up, smiling slightly at the sight of me. He stood up and hugged me tightly. I hugged him, so freaked out, so upset, not knowing what to say or do. My stomach was in knots. When he finally broke through, allowing himself to cry, I couldn't hold back, and I began to sob as well. I'm sure we were quite the pair, a blubbering mess. "I can't believe he'd leave us....you guys like this," I said quietly, shaking my head. "Yeah, that fucker," Daphne whispered, hugging both of us sweetly. The room began to fill with people from the production, whom I offered my condolences and such too, but soon I began to feel grossly out of place. I went back up to Adam, holding my left hand in his as I hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek, not saying a word. He opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped. He brought his hand to my face, wiping the tears from my eyes. I looked at him thankfully, giving his hand one last squeeze before I walked out. I walked out onto the street, cold January air surrounding me. I couldn't be in there. I couldn't face the grief, the pain that everyone was feeling. I wasn't gonna let myself feel it.
Anthony called me later that day, as I sat on the couch, flipping through the classifieds and casting calls of the paper, holding my Sharpie cap in my mouth. "Yeah?" I answered, putting the phone on my shoulder, supporting it with my ear. "Hey Sarah"
"Hey...how's everything?"
"It's all right...you okay?"
I paused, and lied. "Mhm. I'm gonna be fine."
"okay, good. Uh, instead of the regular show, we're just gonna sing through the stuff...just us and some tables, and all of his friends and family...You really should come." My eyes began to well up at how perfect that was, to pay tribute to his music in that way. But, I...no.
"I...I've got some stuff to do, I'm not gonna be able to make it." I swallowed hard. "But good luck?" I heard him sigh on the other end.
"Okay Sarah, whatever"
"It's...not like that."
"I know. I've gotta make more calls, okay? See ya." he hung up as I sat there, the phone in my hand until I heard the dial tone. I sighed, hanging it up. I layed my head back down across my arms on the table. I had to get out of here. I was gonna miss Jon too much, and everything was just so screwed up. I stood up and headed toward my room, when the phone rang again. I slid across the floor in my socks, answering it. "Hey" There was a long pause, and I was about to say something when "hey, it's adam." i smiled to myself, when at the same time, my stomach dropped. things hadn't been working spendidly lately, and then this had to come up. "hey babe. what's up?" "uh...not much...did Anthony already call you?" I nodded, sliding back into the kitchen chair. " 'bout tonight? yep...just now." i paused. "i'm not going."
"what?! why?"
"lot of reasons...but mostly, cause I'm packing." sort of a lie, but i was about to.
"where are you going?!"
"L.A" i said, before I could even think. That was completely random and impulsive, but made a lot of sense at the same time.
"What? and you didn't think to tell me?" I closed my eyes tightly, rubbing my hands over my temples. "Look, Adam...I'm going through a lot of shit right now, first with the show, and you and I aren't exactly perfect and then this and I can't exactly explain it to you over the phone. I know you're busy today, so I guess I'll see you tonight" Awkward silence. "Yeah...okay, I understand...T...take care of yourself, Sar. K, hun?" "Yeah. thanks babe. see you, good luck tonight." "Bye." I clicked the phone down, holding back tears.
Adam got home late that night, while I was on the phone with my agent. I signaled to him I'd only be a minute, as I scheduled an audition before hanging up. "Hey, how'd the show go?" I said, chewing on my pen cap.
"It was powerful to say the least"
I swallowed hard. "As always, I'm sure."
He nodded slightly. "Uh huh. You have some time?"
I nodded, putting my feet up on the table. "Unlimited time for you."
"What is up with you?" he asked fiercely. I looked at him defensively. "Okay that came out wrong...but you know what I mean."
"Baby, I'm scared...right now....I don't know what I want to do with my life. And Johnny helped me last time...and now he's gone forever, and it hasn't quite hit me yet, and I don't wanna know how bad I'll freak out when it does...so I'm leaving." I took a breath and continued. "And to top it off, I'm late."
"Wh....late? for.....?" he paused, realizing "....oh."
"Yeah. But don't freak out yet, it's probably just cause of stress, I'm gonna get a test tomorrow...but like, we never even talked about any of that. I'm so not ready."
He walked over and gave me a tight hug, instantly relaxing me in his strong arms. "I understand how stressed you are. I love you no matter what. Even if you're pregnant."
I looked up at him. He'd said he loved me before...but...this was different. "I love you too honey," I managed. "Thanks....I'm sorry for being a bitch."
"You're not a bitch"
"No, I am...." I shrugged. "I'm gonna go to bed...if you don't mind?"
"Be there in a few, beautiful."
I forced a smile. "I don't deserve you." I walked into the bedroom, sliding off my sweats into my nightgown, and covering myself with the off-white fluffy comforter. I closed my eyes, trying to relax my body into the bed, and forget about everything. I heard Adam creak the door open. "Hey gorgeous," I whispered, opening my eyes slightly. He stripped down to his boxers, climbing in bed next to me. "Hey baby. Goodnight, I love you," he whispered huskily into my ear, placing his hand on my waist. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I turned into his body, placing my hand on his sculpted chest. "I...I'm sorry that I'm leaving."
"It's okay baby. I get it. When you come back, I'll be here."
I swallowed, shaking my head. "That's just it. I'm not coming back. I can't."
I heard the fear and disbelief in his voice. "Sar," he pleaded, stroking my hair.
"Don't be mad baby...it's something I gotta do," I said quietly, resting my head against his chest as I closed my eyes into the oblivion of sleep.
On my way out of town a few weeks later, I stepped into the back of the theater, sliding into a seat as Anthony sang out the first verse of La Vie Boheme, spastically dancing on the tables. I couldn't help but grin as I watched them bring to life the show I knew and loved so well. As the final words rang off the walls, I stood up and clapped. Michael turned around, smiling slightly. Anthony and Idina jumped off the stage to come greet me. "Hey Sar, what're you doing here?"
"I'm heading out of town and I wanted to say goodbye to you guys." I motioned to my suitcases sitting on the ground.
"Where you goin'?" Jesse walked up and asked.
I smiled. "I'm headed for L.A. I'm gonna try and act some more there, but if it doesn't work out, I'll go back to school."
"Good luck." Anthony said gently. "You'll do great."
I shrugged. "Thanks, hope so." I waved to Wilson, Taye, Daphne, and Adam- they were still onstage. "Wha-chu doin' here?!" Taye yelled, smiling.
"Leaving's what I'm doing," I called back, blowing them a kiss. Looking at Adam up there made my heart hurt. I chatted briefly with them about how the show was coming along, before saying my last goodbyes. Anthony helped me carry my stuff and we headed to the door. "Sar, look, can we talk?" I turned around to Adam. Anthony gave me a look saying i'll wait outside. Adam jerked his head to the side, asking me to walk with him. "So you're going to California"
"Yeah...I've gotta get out of here." I said softly
He nodded. "I...... really miss you."
I looked up at him. "Miss you too." It wasn't that we'd been apart, we had still been living together. But, I missed how we were before. Everything was so forced.
He took my hands before leaning in and kissing me gently on the lips. "I lo-"
I held my hand up as a signal for him to stop. I shook my head, blinking tears away. "Don't say it. Please. I can't."
He looked totally distraught and heartbroken, but so was I. "I'm sorry..'You'll never share real love until you love yourself' " I whispered, shrugging. "Right now, I'm not loving myself. I don' t know who I am. I don't want to drag you along with me and my problems. I want you to be able to move on" I said, hugging him and kissing his rough unshaven cheek before walking away. "Keep in touch babe," I called to him, turning around for one last look at him. Adam and I didn't see each other for nearly 10 years.
Anthony helped me load my stuff into the taxi. He sang softly "I hear there are great restaurants out west."
I responded. "Some of the best. How could he?"
"How could you let him go?"
"You just don't know. How could we lose Johnny?"
"Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain!
At least now if you try Jon's death won't be in vain."
"His death is in vain!"
"Use your brain. There's so much to care about- there's me, there's Adam."
"Adam's got his baggage too."
"So do you!"
"I don't know what I am, who I'll be, what to do"
"So what?"
"You all do! Sarah's got her work, they say I have my work, I'm in love with my art. I hide in my art. "
"From what?"
"From facing emotion, facing my rejection, and facing the fact I'm dead inside. Yes I'm dead inside, tell you why! I can't commit or remember because I'm broken inside "
"But the fact remains that you're the one of us with the talent and the drive. The fact remains Sarah, you're the one to make it."
I looked at him, and bit my lip. I hugged him tightly. "I'll call."
He nodded. "Love you, good luck."
"Love you. Make him proud." I shut the door.
| | |
| yes you live a lieSome days I wonder if I'm living up to who I am. If I'm really being myself, or if I'm kidding myself. What do I really want? Do I honestly want to grow up and live in the city- have a career in the arts, live in a crappy apartment? Do I want to get married- Do I want to have kids? Sometimes, I rethink the principles I thought I knew---I'm not going to drink when I'm older, etc. Can I keep those stable? Am I gonna be a mess? How am I gonna get by?
I want to be an actress. But I want to be a special ed teacher. I want to find a cure for diseases, like AIDS.
I'm so afraid of growing up.
| | |
| I Should Tell You Roger sat on the window seat, looking out at the street below thru the frosted glass. He heard Mark enter the room but didn't say anything. A few minutes passed before Mark said, "I'm sorry Rog."
He turned around. "It's not your fault. I should've known. I'm not meant to be-" he trailed off, not knowing how to finish his sentence.
"Don't say that."
"How can I have a positive outlook when nothing goes my way? Nothing." Roger's words faded into the silence of the loft. Mark didn't respond, knowing there was nothing he could say. He still couldn't believe Mimi would do that to Roger. Roger stood up and grabbed his coat. "I'll see you later."
"Whe-" Mark started to ask, but he stopped himself. Let him go.
Roger pounded down the stairs, purposely not looking at her door. He pulled his jacket towards him as he stepped into the icy wind. As he turned the corner, he saw Benny's flyers. "Fucking CyberArts," he said as he ripped a handful of them down and into a trashcan. He lit the pile of paper aflame and kept walking. As he passed the 11th Street lot, he stopped, wanting nothing more than a high, just one hit. The Man was so close, he could easy go- he bit his lip hard and shook his head. No. He knew better. He could almost feel the scars from the needle on his arm. He kept walking, not knowing where he was headed.
Mimi eyed her newly purchased stash on the table. So easy. Roger's face flashed in her mind. She wiped away the tears in her eyes. Why not just end it all- there was nothing left worth living for. She heard a knock on the door. Not now, she sighed, as she rose to answer it, secretly hoping to see Roger on the other side of the door.
"Oh, hey Mark."
"Hey." Mark could see her red tearful eyes behind the makeup. "Can we talk?"
She nodded, and tearfully bit her lip and let him in.
Roger knelt before April's grave. She wouldn't want him to take the drugs again...would she? God. He loved her......did he? When he was with Mimi, he was a lot happier than he ever was with April. All they ever did was shoot up after his shows. What kind of relationshiip was that? Angrily, he squished his shoe in the dirt as he stood up and left.
"I was scared Marky. I never felt that way about anyone beoore, and I didn't know how...I didn't want to deal with it...so I ran back to Benny.."
Roger sped to a sprint. Maybe, just maybe. He ran, past the Life Cafe, the Cat Scratch Club, the church in which they held Angel's funeral- scenes from the year passed before his eyes. He climbed the stairs, faster with every step. He didn't even notice the sweat pouring down his face. He slid the door open-
"Mimi." he sighed, nearly hyperventilating. She stood up and turned around toward him. Her tearstained cheeks turned upward into a grin. She lept into his arms. Simultaneously they whispered, "I love you".
Comments?
| | |
| Who knew?Creative writing exercise from English class today:
There was no possibility of going for a walk that day. The snow that blanketed the ground nearly blocked the door. He sat on the couch in silence, staring out at the winter landscape. How was he to get to her house in this weather, he wondered. She'd surely wonder about him, but there was no way to contact her, as all the phone lines were down. Maybe today would be a good day for her, and she'd realize the snow would keep him home. He took a sip of his tea. He couldn't help but worry. If she didn't take her medicine, it wouldn't be pretty. But all he could do was wait for the snow to melt.
Eh. I think it turned out all right, if not a bit rambly.
| | |
| Goodbye Lovea Rent fanfic
January 10th 8PM Eastern Standard Time. Still shooting without a script. I'm Mark Cohen. Maybe you've seen my film work on that sleazy show Buzzline? Yeah, well, in Mimi's words, "it's a living." You've gotta eat.
The phone rang. I ignored it- we screen. "Speeaakk". Beep.
"Mark, pick up. I know you're there, it's Benny."
I groaned as I grabbed the phone. "I paid already."
"No, I know. It's not about the rent."
"For once,"I thought aloud.
"Uh...yeah, whatever. Look, can I talk to Roger?"
I turned around. Roger was asleep on the couch. "He's sleeping."
"Okay...wake him up."
"Benny- he needs his sleep."
"Look- it's about Mimi..."
"Is she all right?"
"Uh...I don't know. Can you guys just come up here?"
Mimi was Roger's girlfriend. She'd recently had a near-death experience after living on the streets and stuff, and had recovered in the hospital. The doctors had said she was fine (well, as fine as an HIV positive person suffering from withdrawl could be) a few weeks back and sent her home.
"Where are you?"
"The hospital. Her T cells are really low, Mark."
Shit. "I...I can't...I..."
"You have to tell him"
I sighed and hung up the phone. "Rog. Roger."
Roger opened his eyes. "What?"
"It's Mimi."
He sat up, suddenly wide awake. "What about her?"
"We need to go to the hospital. Her T-"
Roger's face turned from concern to terror. He grabbed his coat and ran out the door. "Meet you there...?" I called after him. I heaved a heavy sigh and called Maureen.
"Hey, you've reached Maureen...and Maureen. Since I'm not here obviously, I'm probably rehearsing-"
"Damn it Maureen! Pick up! We're gonna-"
"Mark? What's going on?"
"-we're gonna lose Mimi." I stopped by her place on the way to the hospital.
We ran to the room where they told us Mimi was. She was lying on the bed, and Roger was stroking her hair.
"Oh honey..." Maureen said as she rushed to her.
"Guys." Mimi sat up as much as she could. "I'm fine. I mean, I'm not, but, I survived last time. I'm gonna go eventually. If I die, I die. I'm happy with the way I lived." Tears were running down Roger's face.
"But I'm not." He walked out. We all looked at each other and silently sighed.
"Mark, you're gonna be all he has. Take care of him," Mimi whispered. Maureen and I exchanged a glance. Maureen, quickly changing the subject, exclaimed, "Benny- where is that fuck?"
"Oh, he-"
"gave up and went home to Muffy." Roger was standing in the doorway again. More awkward silence. I leaned against the wall and a thousand things were running through my head. Maureen and Mimi were conversing quietly. Roger looked at me, "You going home tonight?"
"Probably. Why?"
"Can you get my guitar?"
I nodded. He jerked his head towards the hallway, signaling me to walk with him. I did. "I...I don't think I can handle this. I'm falling to pieces. Everyone I love- April, Angel, Mimi. I thought before if I closed up and tried not to feel then I wouldn't get hurt again, and this time...it's worse. I'm a mess."
"I know you're hurting, I can see it. But Rog, it's life. I don't what else to tell you but to use the memories to make you stronger. You can't change-"
"You don't understand! I know you're trying, but you don't...April, now Mimi- my heart can't take it. You've never had someone you were in love with slip away!"
Roger collapsed into a chair and sobbed.
I sighed and sat in a chair across from him and flipped open a magazine. So what if I numb myself sometimes? I didn't, couldn't...well end up like Roger. But I knew he was right, right in every way. Right about me, and about himself. He was falling apart, dying. It wasn't the AIDS, he was dying inside. I didn't know what to do. Obviously, I wasn't helping anymore. He needed someone else. Maureen, well she's Maureen, she's entertainment value. I stared at the wall. Collins. I headed to the pay phone and dug some quarters out of my pocket. I dialed.
"Tom Collins"
"Hey Collins, how's the weather"
"Hey Mark! It's great, I miss you guys. You all should come out west!"
I sighed. "I have a feeling if we make it out there, there wouldn't be more than 3 of us."
"What's going on?"
"Mimi's in the hospital--"
"Oh God. And Roger?"
"He's a wreck. I...we can't take it on our own. I figured maybe, you..."
"Is she still-"
"Yeah, she's still alive but she's running out of time."
"Life's hard."
"Got that right"
"Is he there now?"
"Yeah, hold on." I covered the reciever with my hand. "Roger, wanna talk to Collins" He sat up. "Uh...sure." He took the phone out of my hand. "Hi" I watched Roger's expression as he talked. If anybody could cheer him up, or calm him down, it was Collins. He lost Angel the same way. I bit my lip nervously. A smile crossed Roger's face. I breathed a sigh of relief. I munched on a bag of pretzels as I paced. Roger fed the pay phone, Maureen sat with Mimi. I thought. Eventually, Roger hung up and went to sleep- not bothering to say anything about the phone conversation. I shouldn't care. None of my business. But they were my quarters....god, how could I think of something so petty at a time like this? Maureen stepped out of the room and told me she was leaving, cause Mimi had fallen asleep. "I guess I'll leave too."
I hopped on my bike and pedaled across town. Life fades so damn fast. It changes in a second. When Mimi dies, what's gonna happen to me? I knew Roger would go out to Santa Fe with Collins, that's the kind of guy he is. He can't stay in this kind of environment. Maureen wasn't anything for me anymore. Joanne was long gone. Benny, he's an asshole. I missed Angel more everyday. I couldn't help but continually dwell on the fact that my life wouldn't be falling apart around me, flashing before my eyes if Angel was still here. But he was always going to go. Nothing would change that. It's always the ones that hold us together that leave, the spirited ones, and tear us apart, which is the opposite of what they'd have wanted.
I threw my coat on the coach. I hate the smell of hospitals. I walked into the bathroom to take a shower, and suddenly had a flashback of April. The note. Blood. Ambulances. I felt nauseous. The shower could wait until morning. I made myself a cup of hot tea and played back the messages as I sat on the window seat.
"Mark--Benny. Sorry I had to leave, Allison-" Delete.
"That's still a very loud beep. It's Mom. Hope everything's all right. We miss you." Delete.
"Roger, it's Collins. Just leaving my info here so you won't lose it. The address is-" I stopped the player.
I wiped my hand across the frosted window so I could see outside. Street vendors. Drug dealers. Tent cities. AZT. Someday I'd make enough money to move out of this place. But honestly, where would I go? I pushed open the window and stepped out onto the fire escape. I pulled my scarf tightly around me. Flashback to Christmas Eve. Close-up on Mimi. My mind works like a film and I can't stop it. Everytime I have moments like this, since then, I wonder. How did she possibly survive? I mean, sure, attitude can get you places, but it can't get you a miracle. What could have brought her back, cause I mean, it sure wasn't Roger's song, no disrespect intended but seriously. I've often wondered- love? Is love that strong? I wouldn't know. Why do I have to feel so alone? I went back inside. Yeah, sitting outside on a frosty winter night? Genius, Mark. I lit a bunch of candles. I turned on my camera. "January 11th, who knows what time. Mark's here, in the loft, cold and alone. And speaking in third person. Roger's at the hospital, at Mimi's side. Maureen's probably sleeping, like I should be. Collins, Benny, Joanne, gone. We all know what happened to Angel. The same thing that'll happen to Mimi." I switched off the camera and sighed. One film, is that all I'm good for? I curled up on the couch and nodded off.
I awoke to the sound of the phone. "Shut up" I mumbled and covered my face with a pillow. "Speeaakk". "Mark? It's Maureen." I reached over the arm of the couch "Hi"
"I'm sorry pookie did I wake you?"
She did not just call me pookie. "Uh, yeah, but it's fine. Anything wrong?"
"No, I just was just wondering when you were gonna go down to the hospital"
"Sometime soon"
"Oh, okay"
"That's not it...is it?"
"What? Oh, yeah. I'll see you..."
"Maureen."
"Nothing Mark"
I knew it wasn't 'nothing' but I wasn't in the mood for her shit(antics? drama?) "All right. See ya." I hung up and pushed myself to shower. I skipped breakfast and headed out the door. I stopped at the top of the stairs. "The Fender" I said aloud. I ran back inside and grabbed Roger's guitar. How was I supposed to carry this on my bike? I took the subway.
I walked into the hospital room. Mimi looked awful. She was slipping. There was no color in her face. Maureen was wiping her face down with a wet washcloth. "Hey Marky" she whispered.
I smiled. "Marky?" Roger looked up. He was sitting next to her bed, her hands in his. He took the guitar. "Thanks"
I nodded.
"Will you play my song?"
"Of course. Your eyes
As we said our goodbyes
Can't get them out of my mind
And I find I can't hide
From your eyes
The ones that took me by surprise
The night you came into my life
Where there's moonlight I see your eyes
How'd I let you slip away
When I'm longing so to hold you
Now I'd die for one more day
'Cause there's something
I should have told you
Yes there's something
I should have told you
When I looked into your eyes
Why does distance make us wise?
You were the song all along
And before this song dies
I should tell you I should tell you
I have always loved you
You can see it in my eyes
Mimi"
We were all bawling by the time he finished. Even me. Don't tell anyone.
"You wrote your one great song" Mimi said
"I'd like to think so"
Mimi pulled him towards her and Maureen and I slid out. They didn't even notice.
I wiped the tears from my eyes on my scarf, and buried my face in my hands. I'm cracking. I've got nothing to hold onto. "Mark, you okay?"
"No. I'm not. I feel so alone."
"Roger's here, I'm here, Mimi's still here, for a short amount of time. Collins is in Santa Fe, but he's still here."
"That's not what I mean."
She put her arm around me. "I understand. Mark, I'm always going to be here. I know we went through a bunch of stuff in our relationship, but I still want to be close friends. I get lonely too"
Damn actresses. I can't read them. I couldn't tell if she was lying or telling the truth. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and hugged her. "Thanks" We sat for a few minutes in silence.
"Um, Ms. Johnson, Mr. Cohen?" We looked up at the nurse and saw Roger over her shoulder. He was sobbing.
"She's gone."
I slid on my black suit coat. I looked in the mirror. Going through this again. I sat down on the bed. A knock on the door. "Come in"
"You ready?" Maureen asked. She'd been staying with us, you know, to help me with Roger. Make sure he didn't like...pull an April. "As ready as I will be".
The funeral was in a church, because Mimi's mom insisted on it. We knew Mimi would have wanted it more casual. It was fairly small, like Angel's. She didn't have much family left around. A couple of her coworkers, if you could use that term, from the Cat Scratch Club, came too. Collins flew in from Santa Fe. We wouldn't have let Benny come, but he paid for it. It was so emotional, because we all knew how strong and independent she was...but we couldn't help but silently remind ourselves that she wasn't strong enough to stop shooting up. That killed her more than the AIDS, and the 5 of us knew it. Maureen spoke about her friendship with Mimi, and her determination to live every day as if it were her last. Roger couldn't hold himself together to speak. Collins talked about how different she was-- what a nice girl for being a stripper, basically, just in better words. He talked about how mature she was for her age (which wasn't always good), and how well she fit in with us. Then he talked about the friendship Mimi and Angel had had, which broke down any of us who weren't crying yet.
We trudged through the cemetery in the bitter winter air, this time, not saying a word. Roger was going with Collins. We stopped at the bus stop. I hugged Roger tightly. "Promise you'll call?"
He nodded. "Yeah"
I patted Collins on the back. "Take care of him."
He gave me a knowing look. We all said our goodbyes and Maureen and I walked home.
"Mark..."
I looked at her. "Yeah?"
"I got a job offer, an acting job. I have to move."
"Of course you did," I muttered.
"I'm sorry Mark, I don't want to leave you, but I mean-"
But you're too self centered. "Whatever Maureen. I'll be fine. Go, pursue acting. Make money."
She stopped on her steps. "Mark, I...I don't want to leave it like this."
I waved and kept walking. It's the end. And I'm alone.
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