GETTING OUT OF A SPEEDING TICKET

A man was speeding on a freeway and was pulled over by a cop.

"Excuse me sir, but you were speeding. I'm gonna need to see a drivers license and proof of car insurance."

"I'm sorry, but I don't have a drivers license and I'm on parole. But that's not the least of my problems. I stole this car so I don't have the registration or insurance, there're illegal drugs in the glove compartment, theres a gun in the back seat, and a dead body I murdered in the trunk."

"Ok I'm gonna call for back up, so keep your hands where I can see them."

Later when the backup officer arived....

"Sir, I'm gonna have to search your car"

The officer searched the car and found no drugs, gun, or dead body. He then said to the man, "Can I please see your drivers license, insurance, and registration for the car?.

"Right here sir." The man showed the officer a real drivers license, insurance, and registration.

The officer appologized to the man. "I'm very sorry sir. I was told that you had drugs a gun and you were a murderer."

"Yeah," the man said. "And I'll bet that cop told you I was speeding, too..."

NEW CHIBIMARU SKIN RELEASED

Grab the code at http://www.xanga.com/skin_it. (;

SMART ASIAN
An Asian guy is having his snack (bread and jam) when an American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Asian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American : "You Asian folks eat the whole bread??"
Asian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American (after blowing a huge bubble): "We don`t. In the States, we only eat what`sinside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and export them to Asia."
The American has a smirk on his face. The Asian guy listens in silence.
The American persists: "do you eatjelly with the bread??"
Asian : "Of Course."
American : (cracking his gum between his teethand chuckling). "We don`t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and export them to Asia."
Asian ( pissed off) then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American : "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Asian : And what do you do with the condoms once you`ve used them?"
American : "We throw them away, of course."
Asian : "We don`t. In Asia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to America."

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice d a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampon s for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own............. so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article t! o his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you sho uld do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

These are just jokes, I don't mean to offend or hurt anyone.  Sorry if I did.

A Dirty Joke (PG-13)

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"