| Lent 2008I just thought I’d just write this up… I don’t normally get real public about what I do for Lent. I mean, I wrote a note for Lent last year, but it was just announcing that I wouldn’t be on Facebook for the next 40 days, and what all that would entail. I didn’t mention what else I was doing for Lent, or what Lent means to me. I don’t get in with all the people who aren’t real serious about their faith and are just using Lent as a fad and a tool of gossip and status. Why? Because I don’t want others to see that I’m doing Lent as well and automatically think that that’s what I’m doing- just participating in the fad and trying to elevate myself with what I’ve given up, and making it a game. Lent is not a game. On the opposite end, some others, Christians (mainly Protestants) and non-Christians alike, don’t consider Lent important or relevant, but I do take it seriously. I value it as a time where I can really start again on going deeper with God in my walk with Him, be it in a new way or in a way that I have tried before but either failed at or just put down for a while. Some of these efforts are sacrifices- most of them are; some of them are additions to my lifestyle…and in adding things, I still am making sacrifices, because to be able to do something new, I have to sacrifice something else I value to make room for given additions. So, what I am trying to say is that for me, Lent is a very serious and personal matter between me and my Maker. For many years now, I have, at the very least, fasted on Ash Wednesday. When you say fast, most people think automatically of food; well, although that is applicable to that situation, that isn’t the only fasting that can be done. There is fasting from various objects (like Facebook, TV, Coke, chocolate), ideas (trying to avoid certain thoughts), language (as in cussing), etc. Though not a Catholic but rather a United Methodist (ie Protestant), I was raised this way. Some Protestants are surprised by this, some aren’t. Lent has been making it’s way back into Protestantism to a degree, from what I understand. I don’t think I started doing any sort of fasting past Ash Wednesday ‘til my senior year of high school. I didn’t feel ready I guess to make that sort of commitment. Even then, my fast of choice was similar to that of many other teenagers- I gave up sweets. I remember now, I broke that on the first day, but it was the only time I did. That doesn’t absolve me of anything, but I will admit to my lack of commitment and guilt over it- thus, my sin and confession of imperfection. While choosing a typical thing to fast from, I wanted to do more, but both wasn’t sure what to do and I guess still a little unsure about going further with it. Last year, as I was fasting on Ash Wednesday, I was taking a moment to pray in the chapel and talk to God about what I should be doing in my life for Him and with Him, and He reminded me of how Jesus went into the desert for 40 days and nights to fast and pray before He entered into His ministry. If you know anything about Lent, or choose to look it up, you’ll know that it is 40 days because there are many occasions in the Bible where 40 days is very symbolic. God reminding me of probably the most important occasion, I think. See, as Christians, we’re supposed to be pursuing Jesus and trying to live our lives as He lived His life- in perfection. Yes, we slip up ALL THE FREAKING TIME. We’re humans- we’re flawed. Anyways, as God reminded me of that, I was shown that Jesus had to go through His fasting before He embarked on His journey. He went to the desert to rid Himself of earthly sustenance and relied on His Father alone, while praying to Abba and talking with Him constantly. I realized that that was something I needed to do as well in my journey as a Christian and future missionary. And…that’s what I did. Literally, except for Sundays, I went on a 40 day fast. I ate nothing Monday-Saturday. Like I said before, the only real food fasting I’ve done was completely fasting on Ash Wednesday, and fasting from sweets the year before. I was scared to go into, but I trusted God to take care of me…well, maybe not quite all the way. I drank a protein mix in the morning to make sure I was still getting nutrients into my body. This made me feel a bit untrue to God, and perhaps it was… Only a few people knew about this fast. I didn’t share it with many people because I didn’t need people to tell me constantly (even though I know it’s because you care) to “be careful” and stuff. Actually, someone “cared” so much as to yell at me for it, which led me to another reason for not sharing it- people not understanding, and therefore judging me on it. Honestly, it’s not what God called you to do, but He called me to do it because it’s what my walk needed…so please accept that and trust Him…and move on. And if you don’t trust in Him, at least trust me enough to know that I was weighing myself everyday to make sure I wasn’t losing weight in unnatural amounts and that I had people watching me to make sure I wasn’t looking unhealthy or like I was going to faint at any point. I committed my fast to God and trusted in Him, but if ever I had felt that He would have given me reason to stop I would have done so. But He didn’t. Another purpose to my fast was to really learn the hunger of the people that one day I will work with. No, the people I’ll one day be working with won’t have gone without food for 40 days I’m sure, but they will be hungry, very hungry. And I definitely learned that hunger. During the week…well, you learn to deal with the hunger, and sometimes you don’t even feel it, even though it’s always there. But trust me, every Sunday I looked like a complete pig and acted like one too, as well as for a few months after Lent ended, because my brain did not trust me to not throw my body back into that again, I guess. This caused me to struggle a little with weight gain toward the end of last semester and during the summer, which sucked. But it reminded me constantly of the sacrifice I went through during Lent. Now, has my ministry improved since last year? Honestly, I’m going to say, “No.” In fact, my ministry probably has gone the opposite direction. While I’m not happy about this fact at all, all I can really do is shrug and say, I’m still living, I’m still moving, and I’m still pursuing God. There are reasons for why I am where I am…or am not…none of them are honorable, but I’m working through them, with God and with several of His servants- my friends, boyfriend, and mentors at the church I go to here in Conway. But in no way would I ever link my ministry going downhill with my fast from last year. No way, Jose. As a sidenote, I hope that explains to anyone why it seemed that last year I just stopped going to the cafeteria altogether during the second semester and became more of a recluse. Not that I’m not anyways (well, some of you wouldn’t know me as anything else), but yeah, that did kind of encourage it. I felt awkward in going to the cafeteria to not eat. 1) Waste of time 2) People constantly asking me why I wasn’t eating 3) I was supposed to be using the time I wasn’t eating to pray (this unfortunately did not happen as much as I was supposed to be doing). I hope this also clears up for some people why I would run off randomly on Saturday nights before 12 if I was hanging out with them without giving a reason. I didn’t really want to explain that I was taking advantage of my Sabbath day for a very intense fast. In addition to fasting from food entirely, I obviously fasted from Facebook. Likewise, I fasted from MySpace, as well. In addition, I also made sure that I listened to Christian music only. I love secular rock and classic rock, but I wanted to fill my mind with only music that praised God and encouraged me to do so, too. Now, where is this leading to? This year’s Lenten commitments. This year, I’m not fasting from food. While I do appreciate what I took away from that (which was mainly learning what a blessing from God that food is but that He really can sustain us fully on Him) and while I do want to do that fast again (perhaps all the way…no protein drinks, and possibly no Sabbaths), I don’t think or feel that that would be a good thing for me to take on right now.
-As for the smaller fasts, I am again fasting from Facebook (ok, to post this, I’m running a little over on time, but I want to get it to y’all…ok, that’s putting my desires over my commitment to God…crap...ugh…), and I am again listening only to Christian music. I am not fasting from MySpace, but no one uses that anyways anymore so it’s not really a big deal to have it around. While I didn’t take Sabbaths on Facebook last year, I am this year. Nothing else though.
-I am also doing a sort of reverse of last year in a sense- while doing my food fast this year turned me more into a recluse and encouraged me to stay in my room more, part of my Lenten commitment this year is to spend whatever time I’m either not sleeping, changing, or doing something that demands me being in the room (and sometimes taking a phonecall is a room thing), out of my room- I have to do my homework in the library (or sometimes the kitchen or lobby) and if I get done with homework and am not sleeping, I have to spend my time somewhere else- the Burrow, the Pecan Grove, etc. This hopefully will help me work more efficiently and develop something of a social life again, or at least remind people that I exist.
-In addition, even though I have food here for me to eat, I can no longer go and buy new food for the next 40 days- when I run out of what little I have left, that’s it. Too bad, so sad, you’re going to go hungry, Kelly. I need to live in the mindset that food is not always just around for me to eat. Whether or not that’s always been normal for me and for you during our lifetimes, it’s not normal for most of the world. Many of y’all know I keep very strange hours, especially right now- a lot of times I go to sleep sometime around 4 or 5, and get up maybe anywhere from 6:30-9. During the day, I may or may not take an hour and a half to three hour nap, and depending on when I take that nap, if I take it, I may miss a meal that Hendrix so generously provides (somedays, this doesn’t really bother me…). Thus, I don’t get hungry at the same times everyone else does. First off, keeping the hours that I do isn’t healthy. Secondly…I’m already paying for Hendrix food, so unless I really have problems with getting hungry even though I’ve eaten dinner and it hasn’t even past 12 yet, I need to not be spending money on food just to support my late-night habits. So, yeah, this bit of my Lenten commitment will serve to help me connect more again to those who live in constant poverty (not just for 40 days, not that this is really living in poverty…), and to hopefully discourage my bad habits. Sorry, Jon, but as much as staying up late is a part of me and always has been, I’ve way let this get out of hand and need to do something.
-I’m disallowing myself from visiting IMDB. That site has sucked me in I don’t know how many times and I’ve sat watching trailer after trailer after trailer for hours on end, and it does NOTHING good for me, anyone else, or God. Especially not for God. That I know of (I can’t actually speak for Him…)…This is a struggle everyday as I realize how many times I go there to look up an actor or movie or TV show. But it’s good not to go and to be made aware even more of my addiction to it. If you’re wondering why it’s bad for me to go look up an actor, movie, or TV show, the thing is that I will look up that actor, or actors from that movie or TV show, then find myself watching all the trailers for the movies they’ve been in…and sometimes that takes me to looking up other actors who’ve also worked the first actors…and so on…bad, bad addiction.
-Probably what I would consider my major commitment/sacrifice this year though is my bed. Yeah. Entirely. I’m sleeping on the floor for these 40 days. As opposed to some of the ones earlier, this does not serve me in any positive way really, but is more like my food fast last year as far as global conditions go- it is to teach me the reality of not getting to sleep in soft bed. Many sleep on mats or on the floor. Now, granted, I am still sleeping on my rug, which is a little more padded that straight linoleum flooring, and I am sleeping with my head on my body pillow, and I am sleeping with a blanket and my comforter…so maaaaybe I’m not getting fully into what I’m trying to get into. I’m watching and seeing if I’m really not getting anything out of this. Essentially, yes, I’m looking for pain. No, I’m not a masochist; but I do want to be able to connect. If I don’t think I’m getting it, I will push it further. I will say though, the other night I kept waking up not being comfortable, and I felt my knees hurting (I’m guessing this is from poor alignment when I slept). This is what I’m looking for. Pain. Suffering. Suffering like those who live in simplicity do; and those that I have met who live so simply have often been some of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. They take such joy in the smallest provisions God grants them; our beds (along with many other things) are a huge blessing, but we take them for granted so much. We just expect to have them here, and that’s not the case for anything. I want to constantly praise God for the small and large things He gives us, and I want my eyes to be widened to what all I take for granted so that I may give them back to Him. And I want my eyes to be widened to see what I really can do without. For instance…if I never actually feel pain from this experience, no matter how far I push it…in the end I may not go back to sleeping in a bed, to maintain that consciousness of people who don’t have this blessing and to remember how much stuff I take for granted. I remember reading this in someone’s blog some time ago, but I can’t remember who it came from: What if all the stuff you didn’t thank God for before you went to sleep one night…wasn’t there the next day? Did you thank God for Jesus, His love, and His sacrifice tonight? *Disclaimer? Sort of. You may notice that the amount of things I give up gets longer every year, and it seems as though I view growing in my faith as being connected with doing radical, extreme things. Well, to address the first thing, with every passing year I become more and more aware of the useless things in my life that I allow to fill in spaces where I should be allowing God to reign. As to the second…I don’t associate spiritual growth, mine or anybody else’s, with being derived from forcing yourself into painful situations. I have experienced God and His glory in the smallest, most trivial seeming of instances, and do not expect Him to overwhelm me by being self-sacrificing…especially when it’s possibly only for 40 days. The hope is that what I learn from doing these things, I take with me in my life past 40 days. *Again this year, to those of you whose birthdays pass during the Lenten season and I don't get to wish you happy birthday...Happy Birthday!!! |
haha we're such dorks, but i love it so much. 
