Saturday, March 01, 2008

  • Wow, it's been a longgg time..

    This quarter went pretty well for me; I got my 3.0 and am well on my way for making up for sophomore year. Next quarter I have 19 hours, but I'm retaking Fluids and will hopefully locate a file so I don't have to do any real work. I understand the concepts, I just didn't get a grade that reflected it the first time around (grrr). I hope I'll be luckier this time around. I'm also taking my 2nd junior design class, which apparently is all documentation work and I think is pre-Senior design work - and I'm hoping that won't be too taxing. I'm also taking ComSys, Digital, and EMag Waves - where apparently ComSys isn't that bad, Digital will be okay and I'll have a file, but then there's Waves.. sigh. I just need to get through.

    This break I stayed in Terre Haute just so I could relax and not deal with flying home, my mom, etc. It was a really good break, but I do wish that I went home maybe for a couple of days. CJ was here from the end of break until Wednesday, and then Tina came back Wednesday and I've never really been alone - but I wish I was with my family. I broke down a little last night when I was talking to CJ because I am missing my family a little more than I should (and it doesn't help that he keeps reminding me that I chose not to go home and could've/should've), but I blamed it more on him leaving me to go home, so that's going to be fun to clean up once he wakes up today. I just wish they weren't so away and trips home could be more casual and not such events.

    I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I miss my family a lot. Being in Kentucky this summer and starting the Tuesday after Memorial Day doesn't allow me any time to go home before I start working. Therefore, I'm going home a few days in April (which I made my dad extend my first flight plans from 3 days to 5 since I've been feeling this way) and then..? I think I stop work around August 15th. So maybe I could go home a little bit then. I don't know. I've been trying to distance myself a little so it's easier not to be so homesick, but it's making me more homesick instead. Sigh.

    I also don't really know what I'm up to today; I'm not sure when my roommates are getting back and if there's anyone else around. I feel bad third-wheeling it with Tina and Gilmore constantly but I got nothing. I've drank something the past 2 nights and my eyes are a mess, so I'd like to put myself in a better health state before starting this quarter. As well, I have class 8AM every effing morning so I should probably establish a better sleep schedule than going to bed at 3.30AM every morning and waking up at 11AM.. Bad Michelle. Baaad.

    I just wish I was in a better mood.

Monday, December 24, 2007

  • 1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
    Had a kickass internship for a good company,  lost 30 pounds healthily, been genuinely proud of my academic accomplishments, been secure living somewhere other than New Jersey, felt on track with my life, felt completely and utterly lost with everything.

    2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
    I don’t remember if I had any. I don’t think I did.

    3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
    Well, Erica had her baby..

    4. Did anyone close to you die?
    Guh, this was an awful year.. first my Uncle Mike in March, and then Aunt Donna in October..

    5. What countries did you visit?
    Nowhere other than the US.

    6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
    Good grades, a sense of self, security.

    7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
    3/29, 10/10 – When my Uncle and Aunt died, respectively. My birthday was pretty kick ass, of course. And 10/8, mine and CJ’s first anniversary

    8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
    Finally liking my major! And doing well at my first real job

    9. What was your biggest failure?
    Not being as supportive or in the loop with my family as I could be because of distance.

    10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    Nope.

    11. What was the best thing you bought?
    I’d like to say all the tanning packages, but I’m pale as hell now so..  I really don’t know.

    12. Whose behavior merited celebration (a public or private personality)?
    My mother's, for keeping it together.

    13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
    I’m not sure. Probably my own.

    14. Where did most of your money go?
    Tanning, gas money,  and booze.

    15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    My job. My 20th birthday, which was amazing.  Junior year of college.

    16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
    Any Dave – I listened to a lot of Dave this year.

    17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
    A LOT more grown up – I matured a ton this year.

    18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
    Been more assertive. Been more relaxed.

    19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
    Trying to make everyone like me and be more concerned with their happiness than my own. I need to start doing things for me.

    20. How will you be spending Christmas?
    At House Beautiful, as per usual.

    22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
    I know last year I said I was, but I’m not sure it was for real. I know it is now. After some awful times earlier this year, and the way things are going now.. it’s going to be hard to get rid of this kid.

    24. What was your favorite TV program?
    I can’t even tell you how many hours I watched America’s Next Top Model. I could probably recite verbatim all the episodes from Cycle 7.

    25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
    I’ve changed my opinions of some people, but I wouldn’t say I’d hate them.

    26. What was the best book you read?
    I still don’t read.

    27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    I’m not sure – I just liked Dave and Incubus even more.

    28. What did you want and get?
    My boyfriend as a best friend. Awesomely supportive friends. Healthy.

    29. What did you want and not get?
    I don’t know. I don’t really.. want anything. I’m just excited when awesome things happen.

    30. What was your favorite film of this year?
    Borat (haha), Superbad, Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

    31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    The boy and I did domestic married things and then he took me out for a cheeseburger and made me a cake and then I went and played at TSAV

    32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    There would be a couple of things that could’ve been better.. probably not having half the fam die off on us, would be the big one.

    33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
    I got a lot simpler, a lot more basic (thanks, America’s Next Top Model), and half-assed hippie clothes (Free People).

    34. What kept you sane?
    I have no idea.. probably the boy, but even he drove me effing nuts a ton of the time.

    35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    Eli Manning!

    36. What political issue stirred you the most?
    General election chatter..

    37. Who did you miss?
    My Aunt Donna, definitely. And Uncle Mike. Of course, home when I’m at school, and school when I’m at home.

    38. Who was the best new person you met?
    The Chi O newbies. All the awesome people at Thomson that put up with me.

    39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005?
    Calm down. Take everything a little slower to fully understand it and handle it. If you find yourself being mad and angry at stuff, just STOP and think about all the awesome things going on for you.

    40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
    I’ve never ever had a favorite favorite quote before, but I think I’ve officially found something that speaks to me. It’s Fiona Apple’s second album title. She wrote the poem after a shitty review of her first album as a big ‘fuck you’ to everyone trying to bring her down.

    WHEN THE PAWN Hits the Conflicts He Thinks like a King
    What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight
    And He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring
    There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might
    So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand
    And Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Height
    s And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land
    And If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right

Sunday, December 23, 2007

  • I know this makes me totally lameski, but it's so true it hurts..

    Michelle's Existing Situation

      Needs warm companionship, but is intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to her. If this is not forthcoming, is liable to shut herself away from them.

    Michelle's Stress Sources

      Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the rank and file. This subjects her to considerable stress, but she sticks to her attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Finds the situation uncomfortable and would like to break away from it, but refuses to compromise with her opinions. Unable to resolve the situation because she continually postpones making the necessary decision as she doubts her ability to withstand the opposition which would result. Needs the esteem of others, compliance with her wishes, and respect for her opinions before she can feel at ease and secure.

    Michelle's Restrained Characteristics

      Feels she is receiving less than her share, but that she will have to conform and make the best of her situation.

      Willing to become emotionally involved as she feels rater isolated and alone. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense, though she tries to avoid open conflict.

      Insists that her goals are realistic and sticks obstinately to them, even though circumstances are forcing her to compromise. Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner.


    Michelle's Desired Objective

      Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest.

    Michelle's Actual Problem

      Takes a delight in action and wants to be respected and esteemed for her personal accomplishments.

    Michelle's Actual Problem #2

               The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or her reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She                 attempts to remedy this by intense activity and by insistence on getting her own way. Faulty self-control can lead to ungovernable displays of anger.

Monday, December 17, 2007

  • It's been awhile..

    I just wanted to state that for the first time ever, I've been completely, utterly lost.

    I'm sitting here in my living room trying to psyche myself up to get up from the couch, go in my room, and pass out so I can get some sleep before this hellacious week. However, I started thinking (bad idea always).

    I started by thinking how much I wanted this quarter to be over. It's awful. Simply awful. I have absolutely no free time, I don't do anything fun, I'm always studying to working on something, and it's not even like I get downtime towards the end of the week - there's always something sneaking in, ready to fuck me over.

    Anyways, I'm actually going to backtrack a tiny bit. I was contemplating how by the end of this week, I get to go back to Jersey for 2 weeks and probably do homework the entire time. THEN I started thinking how awesome it's going to be once the quarter was over.

    .. Then, my common sense kicked in. Spring will just be more awful classes. More credits that I have to take and pass so I can graduate in 4 years (or my parents will seriously kick my ass.. I'm still not 100% sure what's so awful about perhaps NOT killing myself and graduating in 4 and a quarter, but I'm not the one laying down $40+ thou a year). And how much THAT quarter is going to suck just as much.

    And THEN I started thinking, well, I guess I have the summer to think about.. and get excited for.. right?

    .. Right?

    It's all downhill from there. Okay, so I'm kind of an ungrateful bitch, I have a kick ass job offer for an amazing company that would be so awesome to end up working for for real real. Fine, sorry for being retarded. But as of right now, I'm having a serious adverse reaction to the future and really wish I was 15 in high school again when things like 'budget meetings' and 'business casual' were all a "figment" of my huge, already corporate-oriented imagination.

    I just really don't want it to be the summer again. 'Cuz then, I'm alone by myself in a city I have no idea about. I'm not even sure who's going to be around - or where I'M going to be around, even though it looks like it's most likely Louisville. My boyfriend (if we're still dating, which at this time, it looks like we most likely will be) will probably be somewhere further than he was last summer - possibly Minnesota. I don't feel like being alone. And I really don't feel like dealing with Big Girl shit anymore.

    Fast forward 3 months after the internship. Senior year. Kick ass, right? No. That equals the Big Time for Michelle. Me graduating from college and how I'm going to start my life has seriously been the topic of conversation since I touched a computer mouse at Age 3. The fact that it's materializing before me (and I'm going to have to start figuring where I'm going to work so I can start looking at grad schools for my MBA) is mindboggling.As well, the fact that I'm going to be 22 and entering the workforce is probably the scariest idea that I've ever considered. On top of that, while I don't know where I'm going to be as of 2 years from now, I also have other aspects of my life (my family, friends, and current boyfriend, who could very possibly still be in the picture, which is even scarier than all of this) to worry about and I'm seriously suffering from that Big-Universe-Little-Me syndrome right now.

    I really don't give a shit how exciting getting a job and being a big kid looks/is. I'm a late bloomer and always have been. This may or may not be exciting for me at age 25. Probably later.

    I'm just not looking forward to tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, years from now, etc. Any of it. And this should seriously be the most exciting time of my life (my dad said so on my 20th birthday). But all I want to do is drop out of school and not do this anymore. And that makes me really sad.

    Sigh.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

  • So it's been a week, and nothing too eventful, I guess. My mom finally got mad at me today and I guess that's a record for any break I've been home - almost a week. I'm a little disappointed just because I was really rooting for being the first break that I came home and didn't want to kill myself at any point. You may think I'm overreacting, but I know I'm really not. My mother is fucking crazy. There, I said it.

    Jeffy informed me of probably the greatest show of the 21st century - MANswers. All those burning questions that guys have but there's never really been clear answers for them. The questions that interested me most were, Is it possible to survive only on beer? (the answer being no, as your body starts to break down on itself at around week 3) and Do the shape of a girl's boobs affect her personality? Apparently, watermelons are pampered and stuck up (yours truly) and don't put out, oranges are stiff and uptight and don't put out, and cherries, while perky, are lousy in bed. The best shape is pear, as they are the most sexual. And now the next question.. What do pear-shaped boobs even look like? Even after Jeffy sent me porn to show me what they looked like, I'm still lost and am kind of grossed out by the idea of pear-shaped boobs. Still, it's a great show. It reminds me of Hooters wings, the Man Show and all the beer I left in Terre Haute. Mmm beer.

    Speaking of beer, I was talking to Weaverpod earlier and we discovered that we have all of our classes together for this upcoming quarter. Well, almost. They're at different hours, and he's only taking 14 hours, but I'm taking all of those same classes PLUS ECE250 (which he's already taken, so he can help me). We also both don't start until 4th/5th hour at the earliest every day, and he just bought a PS3. We aren't going to get anything done this quarter.

    I also did really kick ass this quarter as far as grades go. I made Dean's List for the first time since Fall of freshman year (). It made my dad pretty fucking happy, except now he's expecting me to get that EVERY quarter now. Somehow, with my 18 hours (with 14 of them being ECE classes), Weaverpod, beer and vidja games, it seems almost impossible. We'll see, though. I think this quarter I learned how to buckle down and get my shit done before I went and had fun or anything (for the most part). Hopefully I can keep it up.

    Tomorrow is my sister's Sweet 16 party which I'm pretty pumped for, I guess. I'm pumped for the food at least. I'm hoping family-ness won't bring my mom down, eg, the 2 people obviously missing from the room (my Uncle Mike and Aunt Donna).

    It's been a pretty rough week since this is the holiday my uncle and his family usually come out from Indiana to spend with us. Last year at this time, we had no idea about the cancer. My grandma was in the hospital and that was the most of our problems (even though it was a pretty often occurrence). I could just see the hole in my mom's heart this week. It was terrible.

    Anyways, Devil Diane and family, needless to say, will not be attending this party, but my Uncle Sal (Aunt Donna's widower) will be, as well as his family/entourage (kids' fiance/es, his brother and wife who were invited but they'll come with him). It's going to be interesting to see how that turns out, as I think this is his first real outing since she passed away.

    In general, I'm happy to get back to school, but by the same time, this hasn't been an awful break. As well, I'm scared shitless of my classes. So we'll see.

    I'm also personally facing some inner turmoil where I'm going through the same thing I did my junior year of high school. I'm finding myself being alienated and questioned for personal change that may or may not be intentional. I haven't felt any sort of personality change in myself (so I guess unintentional change), but others have and it's making me wonder, why does this always happen to me? Of course, last time, it was me going from being a stick-in-the-mud to being really fun and awesome, and now it seems like I'm transgressing back to my old behavior. I'm not trying to be lame. I promise. I still want to have fun. I just need to get my shit done. And I just want to be comfortable and feel comfortable in the places I should feel comfortable in.

    More rambling.. sorry.

    In other random news, WE HAVE A BABY! My little one has a little one and we are so excited to get her on Thursday. She is perfect and wonderful and fits in just fine already. I'm excited for some family bonding time..

    As well, my little one is pretty much the only person keeping me sane over this break.. she's just as bored as I am, and it's getting down to the "What are you doing?"  "Nothing, what are you doing?"   IMs. We are so lame.

    Anyways, I should really go to bed so I can get some sleep before the whirlwind day tomorrow.. only a couple of more days until I get to go back to school!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

  • Homeski. First time in 3 months.

    Nothing's changed, except that it's now cold unlike the last time I was here.

    I got to see the New York skyline as I was landing today, and I think that was the first time in awhile that the sight of something from home immediately cheered me up and made me happy to be here. It was gorgeous.

    My sister has aged approximately 7 years since I left. She now looks like she's about 23. I still look and feel like i'm 16. Perfect. She also showed me her information package from Drexel, and I wanted to barf. I can't believe it's her turn to start looking. I know they've been going on their little weekend trips but being here as really hammered it in, as I can't walk 5 feet without running into another "Check us out!" brochure or "Thanks for your interest!" letter. Gag.

    Backtracking, finals went pretty okay, considering I only had to take 2 of them. I should get over a 3.0 for the first time since freshman year. Should. The signals final was probably the biggest disappointment of my life since it was a lot more lab-based than actually classwork-based, which threw a curveball at all of us - or who I've talked to. Hopefully Dr. Throne will be nice to me since he knows how hard I worked all quarter and then to blow it on that final isn't fair. We'll see, I'm excited to see how my grades turn out.

    Anyways, my mom just got home from getting her nails done (hello Jersey) so I should probably go say hello.. Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Friday, October 26, 2007

    • School is going okay
    • I've been on more interviews than is healthy (as has Ashley, I think I caught something from her)
    • .. AND I GOT THE GE JOB!!!
    • Still looking for other opportunities though
    • Heart the roomies even though we never get to play
    • Next week is 9th week
    • Not looking forward to my classes next quarter (4 EE classes and a humanity about Japan.. great)
    • I like my boyfriend
    • It's late

    This is for you Erin

Saturday, October 13, 2007

  • It's really bad that the only time I update this is when I'm sad. Or something bad happens. Or I have an epiphany about something really depressing.

    Well, everything else in life is going fine, and it seems that usually the only noteworthy things I have to mention are sad ones. So here it goes.

    As you can see from my past entry, my Aunt Donna passed away on Wednesday night of cervical cancer. It may seem that I'm taking this better than I did my Uncle Mike, but to tell you the truth, I'm still numb. Because I go to school 12 hours away from home and am never in New Jersey, I never really get to see anyone anyways. So I still can't believe that Aunt Donna is gone. It's weird.

    Aunt Donna was my favorite person that I called "aunt" in my family. She wasn't actually my aunt; she was my godfather's wife (where my godfather is my dad's best friend). She's seriously one of the funniest, most genuine people ever. She was a total Italian stereotype - real homebody, always cooking, didn't drive or do much of anything independent - my mom called her "the little 'mamadelle'", which is a term that hints at Italian women more from my great-grandma's generation than even just my grandma's. She made the best Italian food I've ever eaten. Actually, if you ever even hinted at coming home with me and I told you I'd make my aunts cook for you, she would be the first house I'd take you to. She was so funny and loved me and my sister like we were her own nieces. I would love going to her house because she'd always have something to eat, and she loved to talk and gossip.. so much fun.

    So anyways, we found out about her cancer a few days after my uncle in February. My uncle took a more extreme root with his chemo and we're almost convinced that he shocked his body to death a month later; while Aunt Donna did the gradual route. I think she was doing pretty okay but kept slipping. I saw her right before I came back to school in August and it was after an extremely rough round of chemo and she was pretty knocked to shit. She actually apologized to me because she wasn't up and fun and entertaining - that's the kind of person she was.

    Every time I talked to my mom between being back and school and this past week, it was a worse and worse update. On top of that, other family drama (within her family, regarding my godfather) worsened the situation. It sounded like a circus in Jersey.

    I found out in mid-September that the doctors had told her family that her kidneys were shutting down, they were shipping her home and that she had 2 weeks. That was the first time I broke down about Aunt Donna. See, when my uncle died, he was okay.. okay.. okay..  and then I called my dad on a whim to see how things were going and he told me that Uncle Mike was going to pass on that day. So we played the Waiting Game for just a few hours. However, this 2 weeks notice elongated Aunt Donna's Waiting Game. I didn't want to answer my phone if it was my mom out of fear. Eventually, that 2 weeks was up and she seemed to be getting better, and they were sending her to Philly to a special hospital. I called my aunt 2 days before they transferred her and she sounded okay. I figured my mom would call me with good updates.

    .. Not exactly. A few days later, on the morning of the 10th, I called my mom to check in and she told me that she was surprised that Aunt Donna had made it through the night, and that day was probably it. I was pretty sick to my stomach, playing that Waiting Game again.

    I found out later that night through my sister's away message that she did indeed pass on at 6PM that night. My mom called me the next day to tell me the news, and while she sounded sad, it was not a surprise. So it goes.

    Sorry that I wrote this whole long thing. I just wasn't very public about this one out of fear of getting emotional and annoying. It's just not fair that God's taken 2 of my family members in such a short period of time; one blood-related, the other one; might as well have been. I'm going to assume that since bad things happen in threes, and my other close-to-me great-aunt died a couple of years ago of stomach cancer, my family's done for awhile.

    Here's to hoping.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Sunday, September 23, 2007

  • I guess I'm a fan of the "anonymous" bitching..

    No, I guess that this isn't going to be as anonymous as anonymous should be. If you've spoken to me in the past 72 hours, you know who I'm pissed off at. Or have an idea that I was pissed off at somebody.

    My boyfriend is no saint. I really don't need to be reminded of it. It's stuff I've chosen to ignore.

    To be in a relationship with someone means accepting the bad with the good. Fortunately, for the majority of our time together (ignoring March - May), it was good. June through now, really good. Fantastic, even. Making me face even bigger questions that down right frighten me, that I'm not sure I want to deal with yet. It's exciting, fun, scary - everything a healthy relationship should be, especially since lately I've been focusing on us and our good times vs. trying to figure out who he was and what he's done.

    However, I was involuntarily taken on a trip down Memory Lane with one of CJ's old floormates from freshman year. This guy is also living with him in his apartment this year. He's an okay guy, very flirty and kind of on the annoying side.

    Last Thursday, I needed help on my ADES lab so I asked him to help me out. This, unfortunately, turned into an hour long bitch session about how CJ made him and the "love of his life" break up, and how CJ is a womanizer, flirtatious with anyone, and just wants to sleep with every girl he meets. Great. Something that me, Lil'-Miss-Insecure-and-Emotional-After-Some-Drinks needed to hear the day before the weekend.

    I vowed to myself not to go crazy, cry, be emotional, or even drink that much. You think that worked?

    I went crazy. I cried. I was emotional. I drank about half a fifth of rum by myself (and I can't drink that much of anything unless it's Jager). I made him sit and listen to me cry for 2 hours about how he's basically a man-whore and never tells me anything. He threatened to leave a few times. He finally wrestled me into bed and I passed out.

    If you know me at all, you're probably thinking that this is not a benchmark event in my life that needs to be documented, and actually, it would be an odd weekend if I didn't cry or go crazy.

    However, I'm going to consider it a benchmark. I'm going to make a serious effort to not have low self-esteem. To trust CJ when he says he loves me and wants to be with just me. That this is what he wants. That he's not embarrassed of me. To not believe everything that I hear, and to disregard what may have happened as long as I'm happy now. It's a big step for me and I hope I achieve something. I'm just sick and tired of people telling me that they expect it. And I'm sick and tired of CJ putting up with it, to tell you the truth. It's not his fault I'm insecure and fell for exactly what his apartment-mate was baiting me with.

    Sigh.

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irishsweeti0

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    • Name: Michelle
    • Birthday: 8/4/1987
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 2/5/2006

About Me

  • Hey there, I'm Michelle, and I'm from Northern NJ. I'm a junior at Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology in Terre Haute, IN. I love my friends and my Chi Omega sisters, especially my shocking fam!! Yay!! :)

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