Have you ever had hopes and dreams that have been a part of your life as long as you have been on this earth?  Kind of like the wedding that a little girl plans when she is 5 years old.  Kind of like the dreams you have of your soulmate that you can see everything but their face.  The kind of hopes and dreams that you eat, sleep, breath, and would just about lay your life on the line for.......

What if a single piece of paper shattered these dreams for you?  What if one person says that you cannot do something that you have worked yourself to death to achieve.  For the past 7 years of your life you have devoted your time and effort, your health, and friends and family relationships were put on hold.  Your mind, body, and soul was committed to these hopes and dreams and nothing more.  Your confidence was 100% that you were doing what you were put on this earth to do.  Others even noticed what you were doing and reassured anyone who may have had doubts........

Now that a single f**king piece of paper says that you cannot do what you were meant and believe to do; you are stuck in the middle of the road.  Your whole life has been focused on one path and now that path is gone.....gone from your vision only. Now you have no clue where your life is headed, no clue on what you are going to do, and no clue where to begin.  You feel like a baby trying to feel your way in a new environment, except you are in a room with nothing but walls.  The worst of all is that your life and hopes and dreams are in the print of a piece of paper.  No matter how much of your heart that you put into it.  Is that fair or worth all this......

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!             

For the longest time, I always thought that truth and honesty was the foundations of any relationship.  All of my past relationships with men have been lacking one of these two foundations.  So I began the quest for truth and honesty.  About a week ago a good friend sent me some quotes on truth and honesty.  I wanted to share them with you all and see what you think....I know that I have been doing a lot of thinking about relationships and what exactly I am looking for. 

The truth is very rarely pretty.  How curious would
you be in the truth if you find out that it's dark,
ugly, unforgiving, and malicious?  The truth is always
there, but how willing are you to accept it,  whatever
the form.  An open mind and a forgiving heart can
appreciate the truth no matter how ugly the form.

The man who spent his life looking for an honest
man and found none.  Personally, I always like the phase "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you
no lies."  The most honest and truthful things are
usually what you discover yourself.  If it is too good to be true....it is.

Now I believe before you can even get to the foundations of truth and honesty in a relationship, you must FIRST have communication.  I am sorry it has taken myself 24 years and lots of heart ache to find this out.  I thank L3 for all that and now I can find myself a good man and hopefully a meaningful relationship.....Wish me luck!

I bet that you all thought I died.  Physically I have not, but mentally and inspirationally I am near death.  I usually like to put something worth reading on my site and lately I have not found anything to write about that was worth sharing.  Well luck has it, I have found someone that is worth talking about.  Like any good story there is a beginning and an end.  The beginning of this story starts with someone else in my life and back when I was in high school.  Shall we begin this journey down memory lane..............

For the majority of my middle school days and freshmen year of high school, I had the same best male friend.  We had met in summer day camp at the YMCA and kept in touch eventhough we went to different schools.  We would talk on the phone and  he would ride his bike into town to see me.  As we blossomed into teenagers, the closer we got to each other.  He eventually became someone that I would have died for without a second thought.  He was everything wanted and longed for in a friend.  Or so I thought....... One thing lead to another and he wanted to be more than friends.  I told him that I could not date him because I valued his friendship more than life itself and I was not about to do anything to ruin that.  He accepted my wishes, but still asked me out daily.  I just could not risk loosing him.  All my friends told me I was stupid and that I should give it a try.  Boyfriends and girlfriends for both of us came and went, nothing serious.   Well one Sunday came and I had to find out if I could date him or not.  I was going to spend the day with him and kiss him for the first time to see if there were any other feelings.  Much to my surprise, he told me that he had met a girl.  Well, he seemed happy and I would have to put my kiss on hold once again.  Relationships with either one of us did not last long.  That day changed my life forever.    

To this day, my kiss for him is still on hold.  He is married to that girl and they have 2 beautiful children.   I am not sure if they are happily married, but they are still married.  I did not see much of my best friend nor did I get an invitation to the wedding.  I have talked to him about 4 times since that day.  It was then that I knew the true meaning of love and at that same instant, I lost it forever.  I still have never gotten the chance to tell him how I really felt about him.  I was so absorbed with my own insecurities, I missed out on an opportunity of a lifetime. The only man who has ever truly taken my heart, I never kissed nor did I date.  For the past 9 years, no one has ever came close to filling his spot.  I am what I am today because of Daniel Scott Mitchell.  He is the reason that I like Cleveland, yellow roses, had a car named Daisy, Bush is my favorite band, wanted a Jeep, I always remember Sweetest Day, and green is a favorite color.  All of these things remind me of him and are a part of my life as well.  I will always love Daniel and he will always have a piece of my heart.....  

.........that was all until January 17, 2003 when I met someone.  To protect the innocent, names will be witheld till I get permission to use specifics.  We will call him L3 for now.  I met L3 at Friday's.  We ended up staying for dinner and conversation till 2:30 AM.  We talked about anything and everything.  It has been a long time since I have felt that comfortable with someone.  He is a Physical Therapist, working on getting his pilot license, good sense of humor, intelligent, and takes care of his body.  He knows how to make me feel good about myself, makes me feel comfortable in any situation, and likes to cuddle on the couch and watch TV.  He never complains and likes me for me.  So far he has been honest and upfront with me and I really like that.  It is something that I have not found in men yet.  The only word that I can explain L3 is amazing.  He amazes me everyday and everyday my feelings for him get stronger.  Currently he is battling some family issues and I have not been able to talk or see him in the past week.  I really have missed him and am starting to realize what I have.  I do not want to jinx myself, but this relationship has real potential.  As I have told him, I am in this relationship for the long haul.  If we can get through this matter, we can probably get through anything.  I just wish there was somehthing that I could do.  But the best thing I can do right now is to just give him space and time to be with his family.  When the timing is right, we can pick up where we left off.  As for me, I am counting down the days that he will be able to get through this.  I will be ready when it comes.  

Can one heart be occupied by two men that are loved?  I shall see in the future......

This entry is dedicated to Jared Carl Buechler...I hope he can find the meaning behind and inbetween the lyrics of this song.  He once told me this is the creepiest way to express emotions because this is only a computer and it does not express emotions.  But the magic of song lyrics can be expressed through the compter, in the car, or even lying in bed.  My hopes are that he knows how much of an impact he had on my life in such a short time and I am not wanting to give that up just yet.  The timing was not right and we needed to find ourselves before we could develop "us."  I hope the new year brings him lots of joy, happiness, and self gratification.  My wish for the new year is to be able to be a part of that in some way or another.  We do bring out the best in each other and I miss that.  Here is to the future...which is Somewhere Out There!  Hang in there and the sky is the limit.

Last time I talked to you,
you were lonely and out of place.

You were looking down on me,
lost out in space.

Laid underneath the stars,
strung out and feeling brave.

Watch the riddles glow,
watch them float away.

Down here in the atmosphere,
garbage and city lights,
you gotta save your tired soul,
you gotta save our lives.

Turn on the radio,
to find you on sattellite,
I'm waiting for the sky to fall,
I'm waiting for a sign.

All we are is all so far.

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

Hope you remember me,
when you're homesick and need a change.
I miss your purple hair,
I miss the way you taste.

I know you'll come back someday,
on a bed of nails awake.
I'm praying that you don't burn out,
or fade away.

All we are is all so far

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there, oh.
You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity....

I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling back to me.

Well I know,
I know.

You're falling out of reach.

I know...