Regrets

It's this time of the year again that I've been asking myself if the road I'm taking is right for me.  Ever since my freshman year at Stony Brook, I already have the feeling of regret, I regreted that I chose to attend it, I regreted that I've let myself down by not following my dream.  Why other people can be so determined in following their dreams and I cant.  I kept asking myself that questions for the past three years and this is the fourth time I'm asking myself again.

I guess I was never a strong or a determined person, I'm so weak, meek and easy to be persuaded by other people wishes, especially my parents.  You may call me a person who's never truly happy because I can never be satifisfied with what I have, I'm greedy in school, competitive (once), and a perfectionist.  I only know that I've wanted to become a doctor since the age of ten, but I do not remember how the idea came into my little mind at that age.  When I came to the states in 1999, the idea of becoming a great doctor one day lingered strongly in my mind.  And because of that, I've gave my greatest effort and worked hard in school.  But I still think that I did not give my best .  Growing up in an all American society was not easy, I faced many racist comments, being jeered just because I looked chinese.  There was one time that I wish I wasn't so asian looking, if I could just have blonde hair or blue eyes then I can escape cruel jokes of other kids.  And for years of being tantalized at, made fun of because I attended the ESL class or mispronounced words.  I told myself, one day I will be better than them and they will pay back ten times for what they've done to me.  From that day on, I accumulated so many hatred and angers, they fuel my motivation to do well in school.   My graduating class of 586 students and I placed 23rd on the ranking, every one thinked that I did so well, my mom was proud, I was disappointed in myself that I did not make it into the top ten.  I'm never happy with myself.  In high school, I took some art classes and think that I did well, my teachers persuaded me to attend FIT/Parson and following the art career, but at the time I still wanted to be a doctor.  I chose to come to Stony Brook, and this is where I'm now, in my last year.

As years went by, I realized that the idea of becoming a doctor was not mine, it was my parents idea.   Their constant persuasion and talks carved that idea into my immature mind, it became my own over time.  I've never regret on anything that I've done.  This is the first time in my life that I regreted of choosing the path that I'm on.  I hate science, everyday was so dreadful to me.  Sitting in class for just 15 minutes is so boring, I do not like any of the subject, all sound giberish to me.  If I can turn back time to 4 years ago, there are many things I want to change, I will not choose the medical field cuz I hate it.