Maybe this is wrong. Maybe it's cheesy, redneck-y, lame, cold, callous.....whatever. But it is also my space and I can do just about whatever I please. I wonder at what age you really see clearly into the minds of the terribly disturbed? When does it make sense and you find the fortitude to roll your eyes, overlook insanity and move on? When do you fully, 100% realize you are not limited by the wack jobs that brought you into this world? If, of course you are blessed with the pathetic gene donors I am blessed with. Which seems to be pretty rare in this world. Lucky me. A very special person in my world is sick. Very sick. My heart hurts to think about her going to sleep scared tonight. Her husband is scared. Her son is scared. Her daughter in law is scared. Her whole world is scared. Cancer and chemotherapy. Horrid stuff. One of those monumental, unfathomable moments in my dear aunt's life. And I'm sad and worried. She's so good. Kind, gentle, solid, hardworking, strong shouldered. A very, very good person. You never wish illness on someone but when someone like this gets sick, you wish it was anyone else. It doesn't seem fair. Something is so wrong in the world when a person like Shirley gets sick. But, in a few short weeks I'll be able to see her . I can't do a damn thing to change what is happening to her. I can't make the cancer go away. I can't make the chemo sickness go away. All I can do is sit with her and tell her I love her. Make her laugh. I have no magic wand, only an intense interest in seeing her well. I will step lively if ever called upon by her or her family but any little gesture seems so weak. I'm a little stressed about my dear aunt. So why did my nasty mother have to come to the forefront of my world tonight? Because the suffering of others gives her a perverse thrill. As best as I can figure anyway. I was about to embark on a nice, online poker tournament. (I'm good at this shit.) Poker always distracts me from the woes of the world, if only for 20 minutes. I log onto Facebook, where I recently left a comment on the pages of my very ill aunt and her sister who broke the news to me. My heart is with these people. I am so sorry to hear of these new fears and worries. And I have an "inbox" link that showed a message. From my mother. That said.........(and here's where it gets redneck-y because I'm copying and pasting my family bullshit directly from the source) LEAVE MY FUCKIN FAMILY ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She really did use that many exclamation marks. And I paused. And I thought, "This is my family too. I have done nothing wrong by these people. Why can't I leave a simple, short message to offer my support and encouragement? Where in the hell does this crazed woman get off? " And I got mad. (which is kinda dumb after all I have been through with them) Even though I have gotten a few nasty messages from them of late.....stupid, asinine shit as a result of hearing the news that I am actually returning home....each of which I have ignored and actually mocked, privately, to myself. I paused. I breathed. I collected myself. I thought, "Make it worth the money, honey" and I responded with........... (ok....maybe this is redneck-y too but I no longer care) For your information lady, they are my family too. Regardless of the fact that I will never again have anything to do with you, your husband or your son. Hate to have to be the one to educate you AGAIN. I can imagine how it is eating you alive to not be on the scene to wail and moan but directing your bullshit my way is highly unnecessary. And terribly inappropriate, considering the circumstances. But another person's illness always did bring out the worst in you.
If you cannot stand the fact that I actually DO have compassion for other people, unplug your computer and don't look. I will not play these silly, stupid games with you ever again.
However, I'm not the least bit surprised. In fact, I was expecting it. Waiting for it. And I will expect you to tell everyone what a monster I am and I could really care less. Do what you must to kill the time and stir up the drama. You lose in the end. You'll never see it that way, but everyone around you will. Someday you will be forced to reap what you have sown.
I cannot fathom having that kind of loathing for my own child. Knowing you're sitting there, relentlessly trying to dream up a reason to slander me and cut me down......it's sick, really. So disturbed.
I wait with bated breath for your next volley of nastiness. It provides such entertainment. And I confess, it felt good. I have a long, long stream of my parent's hate mail stored in my email account.....just so I can always look back and remember why I will NEVAH give them a moment of my time or consideration. Yes, it's a kernel of evil that I should purge for the goodness of my own mind but I am nowhere ready to do that. I want to hold their miserable words so I can fling them back some fine day. At just the right moment. It's a bad side of me but I feel it's a most important side of me. I need to know that I have concrete proof that my parents really do hate me. I mean, I DO know it, but I need tangible, chewable PROOF. Could have deleted it though. For my dear, dear "mother" sent me this in response to my message above....................... I HATE YOU, YOU NEVER WERE NY DAUGHTER SO TAKE ALONG FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFF AND YOU DISGUTING WAY OF LIFE AND FAMILY WITH IT,,YOU DISGUSTE ME ,,I DIDNT WANT YOU TO COME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE,,BUT HEY I GAVE IN ,MY FUCKIN MISTAKE I LEARNED YET AGAIN ....YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A FUCKIN BITCH AND DONT YOU WORRY IF SOMEONE ASKES I WILL TELL THEM .DONT WORRY ABOUT THAT PART...YOU HATRFUL DISGUSING FUCKIN SLUT!!! Even though I helped her and my father through their GED (high school equivalency) I claim NO responsibility for her appalling grammar and spelling. Terrible students. But they really are able to express themselves when they feel the need. And I guess they felt the need tonight. (cause we can all rest assured my father is slurring support over her shoulder as she types in CAPS lock. I may take shit for saying THAT but I soooooo don't care anymore) There it is. What more does anyone need? When I refuse to stand at the deathbed and listen to their plaintive pleas for forgiveness, who shall judge me? Who has the right? No child should have to endure this. No human. Nobody should have to feel the sting of hate from the very people that are supposed to love them beyond all reason. I know that I am by no means alone in feeling these feelings but tonight.....in the wake of my mother's hate.....I feel very alone. No. That's not true. I have multitudes of people that love me. I am confident in that. My children adore me. My husband adores me. They adore me because I have proven myself to them. I am constant. I give them all that I can. I am there when they need me. As I was there when my "first" family needed me. When I drained my college bank account because my father got squished by a big tree. When I paid for the moving van to a home that did not include me. When I bought the food, smokes and coffee for my father when my mother left him. I have emptied my pockets and my heart for these people time and time again. And you see the reward. Typed by the hand of the woman who brought me into this world. Over nothing. Over absolutely nothing. I am a better person. To me, evolution means "bettering the state of affairs from generations before". And I'm doing that. My children will never feel this way. My husband will have a constant support in his life. I am a good person. I have brought good people into this world. I'm ok. And my Aunt will be ok too. I have full faith in that. She is strong and capable and if anyone can take this disease by the horns and shake it silly, it's Shirl. She's got the moxy. She's got the stuff. And she's issue number one right now. Not my mother. Not my father. I know this. They need to realize what is important in life. They should direct their emotion where it can do the most good. But something is very, very wrong with them. And they have crossed my last line tonight. I will not hide their pathetic natures. I will not indirectly condone their behavior by keeping these sorts of events to myself. Thinking that I am somehow being the better person by keeping quiet. I feel purged. My heart goes out to Shirley and her family tonight......in all it's many forms and variations. I wish I could be there to offer what little I have as so many others are doing. I not want to distract from my family's most important focus tonight. I will not allow my personal issues to cloud an intense situation. But I will not let my mother's flaws cloud the issue either. And I won't return to Nova Scotia with that same chip on my shoulder. I'm coming home as the person I have grown into. A somewhat decent person. Despite the influences of Dave and Joanne. I wish my aunt Shirley as much sound sleep as she can possibly get. | 
