I just realized that my last post was about something unpleasant and i always love to leave things on a good note, so i'm here to remedy

the fall tress don't you fall in love with the way it looks, the trees transforming to bright and beautiful colors falling under your toes making a crunch under your feet  as you walk down the sidewalk of a small town where there are little antique shops lining the streets and massive oak trees that produce the amazing colors that your eyes seem to soak up like a sponge, the highschool football games under the friday night lights, the cheerleaders on the side lines supporting the home team to victory the homecoming dances with young couples all dressed up going to dinner spirit week at the local highschool, pajama day monday, half days, holidays, snow days in the hopes that summer will come sooner than you thought and once again your eyes will see the amazing colors of the fall trees.

Bruised arms and and contused heart

My arm is pretty much swollen all the time on my wrist from volleyball... I love volleyball but i suck at it and I need to work hard. I

I have a conffesion to make, I can't do it, I can't leave xanga i need the outlet for things that are satisfyng not by speaking, but by typing for someone to read and so are the next words unspoken,

everythig is superficial in this world, the only thing i'm concerned about is what i'll wear to practice tomarrow and if i'll be able to make it. I forget all the time that there are family problems. and that out country is fighting a war. when i watch something true on TV about a previous war, i think its just a movie or it reminds me of one. I don't even beleive that its real, that it happend to real people and its happening again. Fuck. my head is spinning again becuase my dad is really stressed out about stuff. fuck.

You know how you think everyting is going dandy and then it turns for the worse, have you ever felt like your in a rut that you'll never get out of? I feel that way now, i was supposed to go to ny with my dad freind and brother for a few days and now its not gonna work out, plans were made and hotels were reserved and its not going to work out. and its realy stressing my dad out and he feels super horrible about it. and I don't know what to say to him, Its not realy his fualt and i'm nto gonna be all bitchy like omg thats so evil of you! i'm no really mad, or disappointed, i was looking forward to it but it was one of those things that was just kind of like, if it happens cool and if not oh darn. fuck.

I ache all over from volleyball but i'm just going to suck it up, ice my pride, my heart and my arm and i'm gonna get up tomarrow and do it all over again. Is there a limit to strenght? it depends on what kind. physical sometimes but mentally i feel like what is always in my head that makes me not want food it takes away the joy of being with freinds, i hate returning phone calls, i like being busy and i use it as an excuse to hide behind. I'm tired of hiding but I always will, I will alway hide from the things that hurt me the most on the inside. nothing really feels fun anymore, you make that giant leap to the peak of a mountain only to find that you accidentally fall down and crack your head open and now its not so fun anymore. fuck.

fuck

fuck

fuck

fuck..... i'm to stressd out, i'm gonna go sleep and wake up tomarrow and be better

Currently Watching Rock Star By Mark Wahlberg, Jennifer Aniston, Jason Flemyng, Dominic West, Jason Bonham, Jeff Pilson, Zakk Wylde, Timothy Spall, Timothy Olyphant, Blas Elias, Nick Catanese, Brian Vander Ark, Dagmara Dominczyk, Matthew Glave, Michael Shamus Wiles, Beth Grant, Carey Lessard, Kristin Richardson, Jamie Williams, Stacy Bellew see related

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with regret that i inform you of the following news:

I too will be leaving xanga. Indeed it is true that xanga is a dying breed to whom only few remain faithful. darling xanga and your readers you have been a wonderful outlet for my thoughts and feelings these past few monthes. I follow a pack of persons moving on to bigger and better things. I will always remember you darling xanga. I will visit you on ocasions and write every once and a while but for this day is my last day of posting nearly a few times a week. With the start of school year upon me I am affraid my social life will overcome the need for a true blog.

Good day good readers. good night and goodluck.

PS. check out my myspace (its what i've been cheating on you with) ;) www.myspace.com\attitudeinwonderland

Currently Listening PCD By The Pussycat Dolls see related

uhh huh uh huh uh huh

Reality check asia. Hi! My name is reality check asia ! and i'm here to give Asia a reality check!

BOOM!

I have 3 weeks until public school starts, I haven't done shit all summer. I read maybe 2 books and the rest of the time i was a literal couch potato.  No math, no english, no school shopping, no supplies shopping. no backpack has been found and or purchased. So I now have just shy of 3 weeks ( OMFG) to get my self straight. and I mean really get myself in order and brush up on everything  I said i was gonna do this summer I am convinced my teachers are gonna pick on me to find out what i do and don't know about the subject so whoop there it is. I'm screwed and i'm turnin' my life upside down all the way around. Its time to start this daily shedule: (me getting up at 11:45 didn't help today)

7:00 AM (for a week) get up, eat, shower, do my hair and makeup, get dressed.

For the rest of the day I will start a book and finish reading it in 2 weeks. I will brush up on my saxon pre algebra, algebra and times tables that flew the coup over the summer. The i'll start reading rules for writers and my grammar stuff to brush up so I don't make an ass of myself.

And there you have it, i will gradually begin getting up around 6:00 to do all of this and blah blah.

I'm off to take my last day of being lazy of the summer and then its wakeup slepy head get your hiny outta bed! don't just lay there like ur dead wake up!

Lates

Currently Reading Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl By Anne Frank see related

feelings feelings feelings and its all about the signs

I have so much to tell and so little of interest to do so.

My heart was bleeding all night yesterday ( not literally beucause i would prolly be dead and not writing this, unless i was queen of the dammed but thats another story for another time) The cell phone bill is astronomical and i'm flipping out....  but thats not why it was bleeding so i will explain...

Went to 8th n I last night with my brother and VT ( marine corps parade in washington) had an amazing time but when we got off the buss that shuttles from the parking lot to the parade, a marine drives the bus and a marine in his dresssiest dress uniform gives you a briefing before you get to the parade feild. the marine exits the bus and wishes everyone to enjoy the show and have a good evening. being a young lady ofcourse i was looking for handsome marines and i found one. we were in line for will call to get our tickets with everyone else on the planet and a bus pulled up with a very attractive marine on it. He was inside of the bus when i met his eyes and we began intensely watching only each others eyes without interuption for about a minute, he smiled at me and I smiled back  and then the bus began to move forward to go for another load of everyone else on the planet. and we kept strong intense eye contact and only eyes until the bus moved far enough forward that I couldn't see him anymore and it was all eyes until then. I have to say how much it took everything and I mean everything in me to not start balling my eyes out becuase I realized that that is what it feels like to watch someone you love leave and you don't know if you'll ever see them again, I began to feel nuatious and like i could have just sat down and cried histerically. And then he came back and stepped outside the bus, ignored the ladies and gentlemen of the planet exiting the bus and was literally like moving back and fourth looking for me and hten again, all eyes for about 3 minutes kind of here and there so my bro wouldn't figure it out. I knew he ( the marine would have come and talked to me if he wasn't on duty i would have come up with some dumb ass question to go ask him but that would have been well, dumb ass so I didn't but that was the last time  Isaw him and that was happy but again it happend where out eyes met until i couldn't see him on the bus anymore and I thought I was going to fall over i had never felt that way before in my whole life. And you can never understand what it feels like to watch a guy in a uniform leave somewhere and feel like he's not going to ever come back. It just weekens your knees in the worst possible way imagineable. I havnt' experienced the real thing thank god but oh lord it was just such a foreign feeling to me. it was strange. The parade was amazing and the weather was hot but bearable.

I miss my dog so intensely that i began to cry 2 days ago while I was reading in bed.  I can't describe to you all how stressed out I am daily and how good I have become at hiding it and refusing ot be honest with myself or anyone else. if I wasn't to learn to ignore it and go on with my life  iwould spend my days on a couch watching chick flicks with unlmited food grade trach cans FULL of ice cream and cry and be depressed at how amazingly un liveable my life has become. but no I refuse I go on abou my days and enjoy what I can. My moneymaking scheem isn't paying off very well so dammit people if you don't havea dog buy one and then move to downtown fredericksburg and let me walk it! haahaa lol :) I'm in reasonably good humor but I long for the days i get away from itall. I forget all about it for a couple of days or so andthen something happens and reality sets in and then its like, oh yeah damn that again.

Must go before my daddy gets home and tidy up the place a bit 'cuase i made a mess oopsy.

School is gonna be great they've started tearing down the old one and I want to go take pictures of it. cross your fingers must love dogs doesn't go under due to lack of dog\owner participation ;)

Hugs and love all around, and remember to tell someone you love them today.

In loving memory of grandma Hart.