EVIL COMMUNIVERSITY

When John Ashcroft said earlier this week that Iraq was developing Evil Biology and Evil Chemistry, we got to thinking.....if you're REALLY into evil, then why not take classes?  I would certainly call my high school biology class evil, and Lucifer knows that my college chemistry teacher was evil.  So we at WTB bring you:  Evil Communiversity.

Mascot:   The "Owl" Qaeda's
President:  Satan
Chancellor of Evil:  Beelzebub
Tuition: One Soul.  Scholarships based on EATs (Evil Assessment Test) scores.
Location:  Hades, Nebraska. Near the confluence of the Missouri River and The River Styx.                                                                                                                      Famous Alumni:  Satan, Evil Kenival, 9/ll Terrorists, Saddam Hussein, Kadafi, Doctor Evil, North Korea, The Olsen Twins, Iran, Iago, and various Democrats not willing to submitt to the will of the current Republican president.

Evil Classes: 

The following classes are scheduled for the Spring 2004, but, because we're evil, they are subject to change at any time.

Pre-Evil Law (EPL101):
May sound like a oxymoron to you, but this class will teach all you need to
know about evil law.  Learn how evil can be used to scare people into discarding
civil liberties and embracing totalitarian regimes.

Very Bad (but not quite evil) English (EEL102):
This is a required class before taking Evil English.  Learn how to obfuscate
the truth through manipulation of language.  Learn how to use evil as a modifier
in creative and legal writing.  Synonyms of evil will also be discussed.

Statistics for Evil (ES200): 
Numbers don't lie but people do.  This course will cover statistical methods used to
justify the unnecessary deaths of thousands of people.  Methods include: Fudging, Stretching, Spinning,
Misrepresenting, Bending, and Outright Lying.  Guest speaker, Bill O'Reilly.

Geology (EG300):
Students will experience the shear evil of boredom by listening to a 43 year old virgin talk about solving the Theis equation for heterogeneous aquifers.

Evil Arithmetic (EA101):
Think you know math?  Does 1+1=2 in your world?  If it does, it's time to put that math to evil use.
you'll learn how to damn your co-workers to hell using the simple mathmatical principals and evil curses.
Evil Arithmetic is essential to any want-a-be dictator or evil overlord of the world.

Evil Religion Studies  (ER101):
What religion is evil?  Why all of the ones which aren't yours.  Learn how to use YOUR religion
to stir up resentment and fear for all other religions of the world.  Not religious?  This class
will teach you how to APPEAR religious without actually having to go to church.  Nothing helps
out an evil empire more than a religious leader.

Evil Bowling (EB100):
Don't know what evil class to take this semester?  Then sign up for evil bowling.  This evil class
is layed back, but competitive and 100% evil.  You'll learn how to kill or maime with a bowling ball.  Please bring
$10.00 for shoe fees.

Evil Couples Massage (ECM 200):
Enjoy Evil in this relaxing, yet evil environment.  It doesn't have to feel bad to be evil.

Evil Internet Basics (EIB101, Evil Basic Computers prerequisite):
Everyone knows that the internet is evil, so be the best at browsing it.   You'll need it for world domination, and learn Ebay too. 

Evil Films (EF 200):
Like to watch movies?  We do too.  Now you can enjoy your most evil movies with others.  Afterwards there will be some evil discussion.  Films reviewed will be The Exorcist, Salems Lot, The Shining, Gili and, Dude Where's My Car?
 

Evil Lecture Series:

The following speakers are scheduled for 2004:

Dick Cheney:  "How I Taught George to Say Evil"

Satan:  "Epilady, Toy Harmonicas, and Other Devices of Torture"

John Stossel:  "Even My Mustache Hates Liberals"

Sean Hannity: "How to Use Liberals for Scapegoats and Wind Up a Millionaire"

Mike Meyer:  "The Difference Between Evil and EEEEVILLLLLLLLL"

Evil Student Clubs: 

The following classes are sponsored by Evil Communiversity: Young Evildoers, Evil Chess Club, Glee Club.

Evil Summary:

So if you're looking to rule the world, become a evil dictator, or just be the best asshole on the block, then sign up for classes now.  Call 1-800-555-Evil.  Because we're evil you will have to enroll via voice mail system.