Fun with Newsshit Advertisers!

Newsshit, America's favorite Republican sons a bitches has some new advertisers.  Let's go take a look, shall we?

First up is the Financial Intelligence Newsletter, and, by ordering, you'll get the book "The Automatic Millionaire" for FREE.  Chris Ruddy, the editor of Newsshit endources this newsletter by saying 

A Special Report reveals why billionaires like Warren Buffet are investing in gold –

and why gold is a "must have" and the "ultimate insurance" during the war on terror

Warren Buffet?  Gold?  Bling Bling!!!

Imagine if you clicked on CNN, Fox or MSNBC and just learned that a "dirty nuke" exploded in New York . . . or thousands of anthrax cases were developing in Washington . . . or that smallpox had just been spread using U.S. commercial airplanes.

Imagine a plan full of crazy terrorists flying RIGHT INTO YOUR HOUSE.  Or, worse yet, MOVING NEXT DOOR TO YOU!!!  Oh the Humanity!!!!!  How much does this newsletter cost to save me from financial ruin?

Typically, FIR costs just $14.95 a month charged to your credit card – about the cost of a "blue plate special" at a modest restaurant.

Hmmmm...blue plate special........uuuughhghghghghg. (typically?)

With this handy-dandy newsletter you'll find out such startling things as....

• The real reasons gold has increased by more than 50 percent in two years
• The 7 Factors that will push gold prices higher
• The 5 Ways to practically invest in gold
• Why China is hording gold

Damn Chinese hoarding the gold.  Arrrghhhhh!!!  I hate the Chinese.  Damn my weakness for the Buddast Delight!!!!!!

Anyhow, to summarize, Warren Buffet, Gold, Bling Bling, Buddast Delight.

Next up is Matt Furey.  He's new to the Newsshit Hall of Shame in an advertisement that I like to call:

Secret Ninja Thrusting Exercises of Doom

The secret weapon of many in the U.S. military is a fitness program that simultaneously increases strength, endurance and flexibility – takes little time and requires no weights. 

You mean I can be buff and a fighting machine during commercials?  Go on Matt, tell me more.

Dear Friend,

The jury is no longer OUT. The evidence is mounting. And many in the U.S. military have caught on.
Weight training, weight lifting and bodybuilding are NOT what the general public has been told. In addition to the rampant steroid use and unhealthy drive to get HUGE, the sad truth is that even those who engage in these activities may be harming their health - and sometimes permanently.

AHHHHH!!!!!!  God NO!!!  PLEASE GOD NO!!!!!!!

Don't mean to scare the hell out of you, but the facts are mounting.

Too late Matt....you son of a bitch.......But......you....BUFF Son of a Bitch...

Yeowwwwww!!!! 

Cover him with Gravy and sop him up with a biscuit!  Look at that guy.  Six pack to go please!!!

Here's the 12 amazing things that happened to Matt while on this program.

1. I burned fat and blow-torched off my excess body weight so quickly that I could eat more than I normally did and still look better than ever.

I don't know about the blow torch thing, but can I eat a pound of bacon each morning, you stud you?

2. I packed and chiseled functional muscle onto my legs, chest and back that I've never had before, even from weights.

I dream of a chiseled back.  Sniff....if only, if only.

3. I simultaneously doubled my strength and flexibility - and did so without needing separate workouts for each.

Right now I have the strength of a 12 year old girl Matt.

4. I quadrupled my endurance inside of 30 days. Just think how much this helped my sparring. No matter what, I NEVER get tired..

Let's see, I'm bad at math, but quadrupled your endurance, and doubled your strength, that's like 20 times right?  No?

5. The chronic back and shoulder pain I had from years of heavy squats, deadlifts and bench pressing went away within a couple weeks. And much of that pain had been with me for nearly 10 years. It's GONE now.

What if you've done one or two squats in your life, don't know exactly what bench pressing is, and your idea of deadlifting is getting out of bed in the morning?  Good God I'm pathetic.

6. I sleep like a log. Eight hours of deep sleep is no longer a goal. It's automatic. As soon as I hit the rack I'm out like a light.

I sleep like a chipmonk and as soon as I hit the slam-slam I'm out like a pregnant woodpecker. 

7. My self-confidence knows no bounds. Especially when I got compliments from people who hardly paid attention to me before. I honestly believe there is nothing I cannot do. I'm on top of the world.

I have all the clocks in my house set 15 minutes fast to trick myself into getting up earlier.  Hey it works for me.

11. I have an explosive type of strength that weights couldn't give me. My movements are super fast even when I'm just screwing around.

I had an explosive something one time, but it wasn't strength.

12. My muscles are like a pliable and powerful tiger - ready to pounce on prey in a heartbeat.

What the FUCK is a pliable tiger?  You lost me on that one Matt.

And, a word of advice.  Get rid of this picture.  I hurled.

Have You Hugged Your Prostate Today?

Hi everybody!

Hi Dr Sears.

Dr Sears is back and boy does he have a lot to say.  His site goes on forever.  It's like the black hole in that Disney film......uh, the...."The Black Hole".  You never seem to reach the end.  But Dr Sears gives us the scoop on on passion, your prostate, and did I mention the prostate. 

Dwindling manhood isn't an inevitable consequence of aging. You can stop and reverse time's bad effects. You deserve to live your best years in"newlywed" passion.  How to pummell old age and please your wife.

Well, I'm not married, so I'll just have to please.......uh....nevermind.

Dr Sears goes on to tell us that not only do the other doctors COMPLETELY WRONG about what is healthy (F*** the food pyramid!!!  Lousey pyramids!) but Dr Sears has LIVED the miracle.  He goes on to tease me with with his 70's player good looks, perfectly trimmed mustache, and these little tidbits.

• FORGET OVERDOING VEGETABLES! 

YEA!!!

• FORGET SOYBURGERS AND TOFU 

Screw those, I want Bacon!!

• FORGET THE HIGH CARBOHYDRATE DIET 

That I can agree with.

• ENJOY YOUR MEAT - IT'S GOOD FOR YOU! 

Hmmmmmmm, I would like the Bacon with extra Bacon please.

• ENJOY YOUR BEER AND WINE!

You go girlfriend!!!

• ENJOY YOUR CIGARS!

I'm starting today!! 

• SAVOR THAT COFFEE!

I'm shooting it into my vein as I type this. 

• EVEN CHOCOLATE IS OKAY!

I don't really like chocolate, but YEAH!

Tell me more about the nasty stuff Dr Sears, about the sex with my woman!  A little Shinizzel in my Gahzizzle.

Most of the virtues we think of when we think of manly virtues –– bravery, assertiveness, certitude and leadership - are present when the body is flushed with testosterone. 

An essay by Andrew Sullivan (That Andy?-mike) in the April, 2000 issue of The New York Times Magazine explains this:

• Bosses have more testosterone than their workers.

Hmm. ok.

• Trial lawyers have more than tax lawyers

Those bastards!

• Commodity traders have higher levels than the back-office crew.

Hmm..

• Actors have more than ministers.

Wow.  Who would have thought it, those priests have been pretty busy from what I've heard. 

• It's even true about women. Working women have higher T than "stay-at-home moms."

Ok.  But you forgot a few.

• Everyone has more than Geologists (sorry Jim).
• Guys named Mike have more than guys named Francis.
• Female Russian weightlifters have more than Female American Pole Vaulters.
• Men with 2 sylable names have more than men with single sylable names.
• Men who can't spell (me) have more than men who can!  Take that, good spellers you!
• Men who work in a steel mill have more than men who work in a tampon factory.

But what's happened to our testosterone... besides just plain aging?

What?  Tell me the truth.

The Truth Is, We Are Being Chemically Casterated!

AHHHH!!!!  Good God!!!  Not me!!  I've got to do something before the casteration is complete.  I can feel my prostrate shrinking even now (I thought it was because I changed my brand of underwear).  This news freaked me out so much that I took Dr Sears Testosterone Self-Assessment Test. Let's just say that there was a lot of coughing, a tounge depressor and a whole lot of crying---and that was just my doctor!! (insert symbol crash here, thanks folks I'll be here all night, be sure to tip your waiters and waitress's before you leave).

Ok, so I took the test and scored a 12 out of 150.  A miserable testosterone failure.  I scored somewhere between a hyperactive squirrel and a turnip.  Man....I'm definantly in need of some testosterone.  I'm a little disappointed and my prostate feels like it's carrying the weight of the world.

It's a vicious cycle of decreasing testosterone and increasing estrogen. You start to look and feel more like a woman but your mind, and your culture, still expect you to be a man!

I have to say, I have been dressing in brighter colors lately, and last week I thought about getting a perm.  Oh good God, I am a woman!!!!!  DR SEARS, YOU MAD GENIUS YOU!!!!

So let's recap.....Prostate, testosterone, spelling, I'm a woman.