Well, I decided to do something different this time, so I'm gonna try a website review. On one of the forums that I go to, somebody posted a link to some random website, and I figured I could do a review of it. I'm probably horribly, horribly wrong, but oh well, you're here and you're reading this anyway, so what does it matter if this sucks?
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The website I'm reviewing is by a man named Rob Manuel. He's an Australian, (Oh crap, I can already see this going down the toilet...) and the website is located at http://www.b3ta.co.uk/ So let's begin, shall we?
The first thing on his site is a little flash like song called "Hey Hey 16k," in which Mr. Manuel waxes semi-poetic about the long lost days of gaming yore, when Jet Pack and Pitfall and the Commodore 64 ruled the market. And you know, that's fine. The lyrics to the song are rather creative, and after awhile, mildly annoying, but I can deal with that. Even the background and motion portions of the piece are ok... until he decides to use the giant floating head of what appears to be Dick Cheney to gobble up...something. The song was already getting annoying by this point, but this randomness drove me over the edge with it. If I wanted to see a giant head ingest something, I'd take Ted Kennedy to a bar.
The next thing on the website was a little "game" our friend Robbie devised, called "Crack my Knuckles." I was expecting, nay, hoping, that this so called game would involve some sort of violent act against Mr. Manuels hand. Perhaps a hammer or a rock or a small Kia. But instead of causing him bodily harm, I ended up POPPING HIS KNUCKLES. The name told me all I needed to know about this thing, but I went in hoping that perhaps I would be pleasantly surprised with blood spurts or broken bones. I came out with a mind numbing sense of disappointment and at a profound loss of words to try to describe how this "game" was conceived, much less how it was supposed to be enjoyable.
Holy...crap. Let me ask you a question: Do you know how you could possibly make a flash movie that involves a spastic, bulgy eyed ball of lint that jumps aorund the screen, figure skaters, and random clips of short Asian women in helmets, any worse? No? Let me tell you: By putting it all to a song entitled "I Like Bukkake." Now, for those of you who don't know what bukkake is, don't worry, neither did I. I had a pretty good idea that it was something sexual, but I didn't know for sure, so I looked up the word at www.dictionary.com . I was expecting to hear a description involving several skinny Japanese men who perform unspeakable acts of violation on eachother that were previously only known to exist by those who had done hard time at a maximum security prison (Or perhaps spent the night at Neverland Ranch).
Boy, was I wrong.
The actual definition of bukkake is, according to dictionary.com, as follows:
Main Entry: bukkake
Function: noun
Definition: usually considered vulgar: a sex act in which one or more men ejaculate on a kneeling woman
Etymology: Japanese pornography: literally, act of splashing
Which, when you think about it, is so much better than five anorexic Japanese men doing their impression of the lunch break at Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Really.
Tramp O Clause. Wow. Let me put it to you this way: If a moron screaming incomprehensibly with a Christmas song in the background and the words he's supposedly saying being displayed at the bottom of the screen were funny, this thing would be hillarious. But, you know, that's not, so...
And now we move on, thankfully, to the quizzes he's set up. I'm not going to go into too much detail about these things, but I'll give you the names and let you decide for yourself if they're good ideas or just ideas that went horribly, horribly wrong.
Quiz 1: Female or Shemale. I don't need to describe to you the levels on which this quiz should disturb every sane thinking man on the planet.
Quiz 2: Man Milk or Moo Milk. See above.
Quiz 3: Gash or Tash. Is the picture you're looking at of someones pubes, or their moustache? Sadly, I got most of these right. I was going to say that this man has spent far too much time on internet porn sites, but considering the startling accuracy with which I was able to guess these answers, I'm beginning to ask questions of my own life as well. Please excuse me as I spend time in deep thought and meditation.
Quiz 4: Name That Beard. Is it as boring as it sounds? Yes.
Quiz 5: Funnel or Tunnel. Is the woman on the screen having... actually, I'm not going to go into this one. Let's just say that the idea is highly disturbing, yet the base of it could also prove to be a much MORE disturbing quiz, and leave it at that.
Quiz 6: Female or Shemale 2. Did we REALLY need another one? The fact that this guy made not one, but TWO of these things speaks volumes about him, his dreams, and the porn sites he looks up at night.
Quiz 7: Jailbait or Legal. I feel dirty.
Quiz 8: Gay or Straight. For some reason, slightly less disturbing than the one involving shemales. Thankfully, I missed most of these, so I can rightfully say that I know next to nothing about gay men. This is one of the proudest days of my life.
Quiz 9: Celebrity or Look Alike. Actually, this one isn't that bad of an idea. It's still rather useless, but not a bad idea.
Quiz 10: Female or Shemale 3. Let me just say this: Don't stare too long at the "lady" representing the quiz, if you know what I mean. Really, guys, is this necessary? I can only wretch so many times at the thought that what I was just doing in my mind was really with a man before my intestines inevitably spew from my mouth. Please, don't let that happen.
Quiz 11: Nonce or Babysitter. According to Mr. Manuel, the term "nonce" means "kiddy fondler." So when I saw that the first question was about Michael Jackson, I immediately clicked nonce. But get this: He says that Michael Jackson is innocent because he "hasn't been convicted of anything." Yeah, well, Hitler wasn't techincally convicted of anything either, but we're pretty sure he killed millions of Jews. This one was much less annoying and much more maddening, for that one reason alone. He's Michael frickin' Jackson, bro. Trust me, he did it.
Quiz 12: He Cat or She Cat. Here would be a better question to ask: Who gives a crap?
Quiz 13: Spot the Giference. Can you tell the difference between a JPG and a GIF? Yes? No? Maybe? Does anyone care either way? No.
The quizzes are over, and we now move back into the realm of the ever so painful animations this man has foisted upon humanity its peaceful, unsuspecting sleep. Why? Because God hates me.
A cat with glowing, flashing eyes and a swastika tattooed on its forehead set on the background of a spinning pentegram and a song ordering you to, and I quote, "Kill your parents"? This belongs on every Goth kids computer.
"You Can't Spell" is this mans attempt at making fun of the mentally retarded by dropping down to a level of smacktardery that even they would look down upon. He shoots, he scores! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!
The "I Love You Kitten." He tried making something that was less hurtful and more uplifting. Instead, he ended up with less hurtful and more annoying. MUCH more annoying.
Kill the Popups. So far, the only thing on this site that hasn't annoyed the living crap outta me. A relatively entertaining little game. Not bad, Mr. Manuel.
Buffy's Swearing Keyboard. Less fun than a barrel of monkeys, which, although it's supposed to be fun, is really just a bunch of biting, shoving, and scratching. Kinda like the mall at Christmas time.
Top 10 Cutest Kittens. One small kitten resting on... something, then an epileptic seizure enducing screen declaring that your boss is, essentially, female genitalia, complete with a voice over to prove it. Ok, I... know what? Nevermind.
Cursor Love Bunny. Annoying and hard. Great combination.
What's New Pussycat. It includes the song by the same name, so it's automatically evil. Gratuitous pictures of Tom Jones don't help any, either.
Nazi Kitten Ball. Though I would've preferred to kick Hitlers head around, this'll do. After all, EVERYBODY hates Nazi kittens!
Spot the Clifference. Amusing, but I have no idea who Cliff Richard is. I'm thinkin' though, he looks kinda gay. Ok, no, really gay.
Elephant. An idiot screaming about his lust for sweet, sweet pacaderm flesh. Fun, this is not.
B B B B Birmingham. Stupid name, stupider song, worst use of a Pavorotti cutout EVER.
Sleepy Kittens. Random pictures of sleeping cats placed with crappy music presumably written and recorded by the illustrious Rob Manuel. This guy is a menace to society. I mean, how else would you descibe the world's largest repository of bad ideas for songs? If I ruled the world, dead. Or perhaps simply tied up in a small dungeon to be tortured by all the OTHER crappy songs on the internet.
Spiderman will Make You Gay. OMFG HE DID. I'M SO GAY NOW, I COULD BUY A RICHARD SIMMONS VIDEO. NO, AND I DON'T MEAN ONE OF THE WORKOUT ONES. YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. ONE OF THOSE VIDEOS.
I'm a F****** Fish. Though I agree with the general sentiments of the song, he gets points taken off for excessive use of the word... fish.
Introducing Monday. Totally devoid of humorous quality whatsoever. Brittish comedy alludes me yet again...
The Singing Kitten. Remember the "I love you kitten"? Imagine that, but with crappily animated lips and worse song writing. Oh, and the cat SUCKS. Like, for money.
Beer Beer Beer. Beer is widely considered by many men to be a very manly thing. I don't drink, so I don't really know, but if that's true, than those men should hunt down our good friend Rob here and kill him with a weed wacker. His proclamation that he wants to make wild monkey love to beer serves only to de-nardify Rob, beer, and the male gender as a whole. Thanks, Rob.
Drink. Annoying, what with the drunken squirrel and the boozed up cat, but true.
I Need the Toilet. As if the crappy lyircs weren't bad enough, the ending animation scared me no small amount. Was that supposed to be crap, or a giant bowel serpent that descended from Sting's anus and began talking to us? Yeah. I don't know either.
She's in a Wheelchair. Well, atleast we got to see pictures of his girlfriend. And even if that wasn't his girlfriend, she was pretty hot. So really, I'm good with this one.
Let's Fist Again. Yup. He means exactly what you think he means. And it's scary as heck. The only way it could be any worse is if he added a picture of Star Jones to the side. Now THAT, my friends, is a truly terrifying thought.
Smoke a Fag. Nope, this time it's NOT what you're thinking, and for that, I am eternally grateful. Had it been, I would most likely be lying under my desk right now, crying in the fetal position. Fortunately, it had nothing to do with male genitalia, but it still sucked.
Patrick Moore Plays the Xylophone. Really, he does. Or atleast, that's what the breakdancing aliens starring in this thing told me. That's right, breakdancing aliens. You heard me. Don't pretend they're not cool.
I am a Mong and This is my Song. At first, I was thinking that maybe this was just Brittish humor getting the best of me again. But then I realized that not even Brittish humor could possibly explain the sheer idiocy of these two men. This is a little video of Rob and one of his friends singing. Or rather, trying to sing. Rob drools on the floor inbetween intermittent bouts of unintelligable babbling. Rob's friend pops in from the side of the screen every now and then to make indecipherable groaning and yelling noises while simultaneously hitting himself in the head with his fist. Really, Rob's friend, let me help you with that...
I'm so Sorry. My apologies, but that bear just doesn't look sorry to me. If you ask me, he enjoyed every minute of it, and this is just his way of rubbing it in our faces. Stupid bear and your stupid fake apologies. I hate you, teddy bear. Why don't you just go and die?
Britney's Cat a Phone. The only thing that makes this worth opening is the picture of what are supposed to be Britney's breasts. But honestly, I can find better stuff elsewhere, and without the annoying sounds in the background to distract me-- er, draw attention my way.
Video Killed the Radio Star. A menagerie of short video clips, with no sound whatsoever. I found one that was somewhat amusing and one that was slightly pornographic. The others didn't interest me in the least. I'm wondering what the point of this thing was...
An Arse is an Arse. K, no. As if the picture of what appears to be a mans anus weren't enough, he had to make it worse by adding an utterly ridiculous song. No thanks.
Twatlas. Pass the mouse over Japan multiple times in quick succession. The most fun I've had on the site
Weebl and Bob. Incredibly annoying until it starts making fun of itself. "How come we can understand eachother when we're both uttering unintelligable?" "Speech bubbles. Bubble bubble bubble bubble bubble bubble." "You're gay."
Fatcat and Satan. The names sounds stupid. The actual cartoon lives up to the hype.
P45 Generator. I can't believe people paid him to make this stuff. Really. Would YOU pay to have two gay men, or rather, cutouts of two gay men, placed randomly on a screen whilst they are "singing" a crappy song? If you would, than please feel free to go play in traffic. Heavy traffic. Like rush hour in LA traffic. Please.
Steve is Innocent scared the living crap outta me. Especially when the two giant identical heads opened their mouths and began to spit a smaller head back and forth between eachother. I knew Aussies and Brits had a weird sense of humor, but this... this is just wrong.
Disco Squirrels. As bad as it sounds, even if you like squirrels and/or disco. Trust me on this one and just pass it up.
Robots Love their Mummys Too. Good animations and slightly less than annoying. I would try to make fun of it, but the next thing is the last one and I REALLY want to end this, so I think I'll just move on.
ConZENtration. Hey, imagine that, he ended with one that was actually somewhat enjoyable. Never saw it coming.
You know, before I started this I thought that making fun of stupid people was easy. And it is. But when the stupid person in question beats their head randomly on the keyboard and somehow ends up with a website, it becomes both easier and harder. (And really, just look at the internet. That's the only explanation for some of the sites out there that doesn't involve aliens, government conspiracies, anal probing, or some oddball combination of the three that somehow manages to include Mike Ditka as well) Some of the things were really easy to make fun of. Some really just left me speechless. But whatever they do to you, just remember: Half vote, quarter vote, and *BANG!!* would get rid of all our problems. | 
