Oh my God it's been two months since my last entry???!!!  Well I hardly ever use this site anyway.  It doesn't really matter.  I have no earthly idea why I'm blogging at this time of the morning.  I think I've gone insane. teehee  K, it's time for inward thoughts to come out and splatter onto the page...

Living in the past is a dangerous way to go about life.  It can be quite blinding at times to dwell over past mistakes yet at the same time be very revealing to the future you are to have.  No one knows what is in store for their future, right?  Wrong.  They know.  They just don't want to see.  The future comes in dreams and little messages from the inner thoughts and whisperings of the mind.  I listen to the voices yet so many things at once can drive someone crazy.  So many things to accomplish in so long a time...Whenever will I get started?  Heh, I used to have my life planned out starting from the sixth grade, but then as I got closer to my goals they instantly faded into nothingness....as if they were never really there.  I prepared so much for my "set" future.  I was interested in no one else but myself. That was about two years ago???  Maybe but it seems like decades. 

Now I strive only to survive.  I'm not poor by any means....I strive to survive mentally.  Each day more of my mind breaks down and is reformed and is broken down again only to be splintered once more.  Destruction and rebuilding is extremely exhausting. It seems to be getting worse with each passing day.  I can only rebuild my mind so much before I give up and release it to the others to play with.  Toying with little aspects of my life which, in turn, cause dramatic effects with the larger more complicated issues at hand.  They seek to break me.  I'm not sure who caused it or if it was there all along only to surface in a time of weakness.  I've been searching for the cause but everytime I delve into my mind the whispering stops and all eyes are on me.  This never used to be.  It's as if they have united for as far as the eye can see.  They turn and stare all grey and cold.  Unmoving. 

Not too long ago they just milled about and tended to their own thoughts.  But now their whisperings are more unified and understandable.  It's not just one constant mumbling.  It's patched of messages.  Even the gaurdian is unsure of what is happening.  The whisperings seek to turn me into something else.  Something I don't want to be.  Something dark.  They whisper vile things about the ones I love and they seek to turn me against them.  The voices have been watching this whole time.  Watching my every move....All of them.  They never seemed so interested in my life before.  Why now?  They started getting to me back in October.  So much were they adamant about destroying my mind that I was spaced out for most of the days.  Time seemed to run together.  October soon became the middle of December.  I had lost an entire month.  I couldn't remember much of anything. 

A couple of weeks ago I thought about it again.  The way to stop the voices from ever speaking to me again.  I told her that I wouldn't do that though.  I told her a long time ago that I wouldn't.  So I resorted to taking a couple of my friend's anti-depressants.  I was suprised with the results.  I couldn't hear them anymore. but neither could I feel anything.  I sat through two whole episodes of Family Guy and didn't laugh once.  I can never make it through and episode without laughing, even if I have seen the episode a hundred times. (which is quite possible)  I didn't like that aspect of the results, but it far better than what I had in mind.

I promised that I would room with her next semester...and I will.  I just need some help to get me through...but this help can't come from people.  This is an entirely internal matter.  I can't just talk to people about this and listen to the same answers I already pondered over in my head.  Believe me, I thought about it all.  Maybe I should get a prescription for some anti-depressants.  They came in handy when I needed them.  It also feels good knowing that I can't hear the voices when I take the pills.  It's as if a section of my brain is cut off.  A temporary labotomy if you will.  Then again the pills made me very tired too.  I just don't know anymore.  I talked to my friend a little bit....but not about this....I talked about....I dunno what we talked about.  I think we just danced around the subject and tried to act normal around each other.

God what am I doing?