with the change in the weather i find myself, quite understandably, wanting to cuddle with someone underneath a nice warm fleece blanket.  the idea of being in a relationship is so alluring, but one thing i've lost sight of that i am now reclaiming is that i need to have a strong sense of myself before i can be in a relationship that is worth having at all.

i've been throwing a big "jessi-is-alone" pity-party for like 5 months or so (maybe more, i'm not sure). i've taken this alone-ness as a sign of some defect within my self, mentally pinpointing each and every weakness, trying to come into some mystical state of perfection so that "the one" will, by the sheer merit of my spotless life, come into my world.

however, i have found with time that my imperfections will not go away. this semester has been a harrowing lesson of just how weak i truly am. i am learning just how deep my weakness goes and coming to terms with the fact that these struggles are going to be in place probably for the rest of my life. however, God's grace overrules the notion that i need to be perfect to be blessed. i am loved just as i am, despite my nagging fragility.

i'm no longer going to try and psych myself into being strong. i'm sick of treading the deep water of my inability. all i can really do is look to the cross. i feel confident that God will bless me with the man He wants me to marry when it's His time. for right now i think he wants me to to come to terms both with my weakness and His grace.

this weekend i finally saw myself how Grace sees me, and ever since then i have been floating in unmerited favor.