| | Self Inquiries: Part I It may be unfathomable, or at least in the very least a bit strange, for one to be at a constant quarrel of wits with himself. To be endlessly embroiled in a subconscious battle of tug-and war; both sides pulling with equal, never failing candor. As you might have guessed by now, I myself have been a prima example of such a basket case – for quite some time now I might add. But honestly, assuming that you yourself are not going through such an internal crisis, living in this bipolar paradigm: a ceaseless battle of ying and yang; well, merely trying to exist and carry on the appearance of sanity, becomes quite a tedious obstacle. Having to constantly check yourself while engaged in social situations, and furthermore –even worse—systematically denying yourself of the cure, the cure which you have known all along in one convoluted way or the other, you instead prance around convincing yourself that you are in fact sane, that you are in fact living the life you set out to [or maybe the life THEY set out of you]. When will this charade end? God knows? Hopefully before your inevitable midlife crisis, while you still have youth on your side, you pray. Will they accept you after the inevitable truth comes out? Will you accept you? As if you ever truly approved of yourself from the get-go. You sit talking your way out circles, sometimes talking yourself in circles. Projecting your conversation, mannerisms, behavior as an inflatable life jacket, cushioning all your weak spots. However, you falter sometimes –more times than safe, more times than they will allow. Its on the back of everyone’s mind, they know it, you know it. Denial. [both parties included] Alienation. [again, both parties included] Depravation [no, just you this time] Final Verdict? : PATHETIC By the way, there’s still that orphan in Africa who is probably dying of the AIDS his hooker mom bestowed upon him, I wonder what he would say? Or that prostitute in Thailand who gives into perverted fantasies to support her 5 bastard sons? Or even that hustler twink in southside LA who gives blow-jobs for crack money? Fucking nuns. |
