its_a_plastic_life's Xanga

Friday, December 28, 2007

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 02:21:34 GMT

My eyes HURT.. no my face hurts. I just want to pull at my cheeks till they split in two. Now it all hurts . . . No wait.. . . no I'm numb. I can't feel anything, I can't fucking feel my big toe. wiggle bitch, wiggle. it’s happy and I just wander off to sleep and my thoughts drizzle away into dream land. Splat, SPLAT. SPLAT, My brain is mush, THAT FUCKING BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. There it goes again. I was fucking. Godamnit, I was fucking. STOP BEEPING. I'm in twilight, for a second all is restful and then my conscious starts to gather itself and suddenly everything starts to flood back in. I just wanted bliss, fuck you that’s all I wanted; Bliss and Numbing. Let me be immune if I can't be happy. Momentary diversions; that's all I ask. Back to rest. BEEP BEEP BEEP. Oh fuck its Christmas. FUCK . MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS.

Whewww....glad that's over with.

*Smiles & Butterfly kisses*

Friday, December 28, 2007

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 02:05:48 GMT

2OO8 }:o

Okay, I don’t know about you; but I have never been this excited for a new year to dawn since. . . 2000?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 01:44:18 GMT

Self Inquiries: Part I

It may be unfathomable, or at least in the very least a bit strange, for one to be at a constant quarrel of wits with himself. To be endlessly embroiled in a subconscious battle of tug-and war; both sides pulling with equal, never failing candor. As you might have guessed by now, I myself have been a prima example of such a basket case – for quite some time now I might add. But honestly, assuming that you yourself are not going through such an internal crisis, living in this bipolar paradigm: a ceaseless battle of ying and yang; well, merely trying to exist and carry on the appearance of sanity, becomes quite a tedious obstacle. Having to constantly check yourself while engaged in social situations, and furthermore –even worse—systematically denying yourself of the cure, the cure which you have known all along in one convoluted way or the other, you instead prance around convincing yourself that you are in fact sane, that you are in fact living the life you set out to [or maybe the life THEY set out of you].

When will this charade end? God knows? Hopefully before your inevitable midlife crisis, while you still have youth on your side, you pray. Will they accept you after the inevitable truth comes out? Will you accept you? As if you ever truly approved of yourself from the get-go. You sit talking your way out circles, sometimes talking yourself in circles. Projecting your conversation, mannerisms, behavior as an inflatable life jacket, cushioning all your weak spots. However, you falter sometimes –more times than safe, more times than they will allow.

Its on the back of everyone’s mind, they know it, you know it.

Denial. [both parties included]

Alienation. [again, both parties included]

Depravation [no, just you this time]

Final Verdict? : PATHETIC

By the way, there’s still that orphan in Africa who is probably dying of the AIDS his hooker mom bestowed upon him, I wonder what he would say? Or that prostitute in Thailand who gives into perverted fantasies to support her 5 bastard sons? Or even that hustler twink in southside LA who gives blow-jobs for crack money? Fucking nuns.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 04:37:16 GMT

tainted from birth.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 14:00:17 GMT

If only she knew. . .

What a piece of shit I am?

Yes. wtf I’m such a shit. Why the fuck am I messing this all up.

How much I cared for her?

Yes. You’ll probably never know how much I think of you.

How shocked I was?

Yes. I was piss fucking shocked when it was HIM. The scenario was beyond fucked up; I lost out to that donkey. WTF

How I hate myself for doing this?

Yes. I hate it so fucking much.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 20:34:10 GMT

New Year.

New Semester.

New Beginnings.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 21:06:20 GMT

Her hazel eyes glow with such a warmth.

Piercing me; melting me into wax; enslaving my thoughts.

Her skin soft; her hair silken; her figure vital.

Turning around, she bares her Kodak smile.

The camera flashes.

She is immortalized forever on Polaroid.

Forever beautiful.

Forever perfect.

Forever mine.

___________________________________________

Friday, December 22, 2006

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 16:50:22 GMT

I could feel myself slipping away, fumbling on my words. Speaking every word that sloppily crept to my tongue, becoming an utter nuisance to everyone around me. Perhaps it was due to the anxiety which had afflicted me at the time. But no, some problems just aren’t that simple. This one was a seed, a deep-rooted seed. Am I crazy? No. I am . . . Never mind, forget it. This isn’t the time. But who knows if there will ever be an appropriate enough occasion for it to reveal itself. They half-know. They’ve always known. But of course they will live in denial for as long as possible, of course I will live in denial as long as possible. . . Forget it.

College is supposed to be the time of your life. The wonder years. The 4 years where time flies by and you laugh without a care in the world. I want that, so bad. And to some extent I have that . . . to some extent . . . some extent . . . isn’t enough. And the sad realization is, I don’t know how to attain it. I don’t even know me. I think I do. But I surprise myself, o so much. And no, not in a good way. I have no control over myself. I am a creature of impulse.

And the more time goes on, the more I give into the being I created. The more I act in a manner to please others, but never to satisfy myself. Myself? I don’t even know who that is referring to these days.

But being back at home . . . , despite the layers of artificiality I have cloaked myself with, I felt loved. I felt like I belonged. I have a home, a family, friends . . . who all treasure me; who would mourn me if I were to die at this very moment. And to me, that means something. That gives me a reason to deal with my plagues; it gives me a reason to move forward, to work hard, to succeed. And at this very moment, that’s all that matters.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 11:30:08 GMT

And so it will be.

It’s that confusion that remains with us at all times—Life just seems out of focus: always blurry, always in the wrong perspective, never the right frame. You have long forgotten what it feels like to be at ease in a large group. A genuine smile; a hearty laugh, a heart-felt goodbye; -- these are all things that no longer seem to occur.

That feeling of permanent nausea never leaves. Neither do those incessant reminders in the back of your head of how inadequate you are. Everyone is judging you. They may laugh and play along on the outside, but it’s all a façade. Inside they pity you, call you names.

They feel you don’t belong. You feel you don’t belong. But nobody acts.

Instead this underlying current follows you your entire life. Never enough to jump off a bridge, but just enough to slowly take away more and more from you. You honestly believe you are worthless, you try not to listen. But it’s true. YOU ARE A GREEDY PIECE OF SHIT. You don’t deserve any of the wealth that’s handed to you. You are a leech, a parasite, who feeds off of those around you. You no longer realize whether you are a sadist or masochist—both are equally applicable.

There are times you’ve tried to succeed-- those few occasions where, either by dumb luck or that rare glimpse of selfwill, you won. In fact you believe you have all the potential in the world. You probably do. But you will never attain any of it, you fear your own self being successful, you fear finally being happy. In some sad way, you find comfort in being miserable. It’s all you know.

And so it will be. You will never escape that familiar graininess; there will always be that silent reminder whispering your demise a thousand times over.

You will exist, but never live.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 13:40:37 GMT

LOL.