this is how we spend our evenings…dont u wish u were as lucky???

Thursday May 10, 2007 01:37:09AM ShOrTee6553: that didnt rhyme at all

well, todays another day that ended up in me doing nothing. i’ve been in pain all day. not as sever as yesterday but its still there. mostly in my knee caps now but still in the upper part also. i’ve been reading alot to pass the time and i ate alittle bit today. i haven’t been very hungry lately. i took a painkiller from sean thinking it would help but it didnt. mom said that its bc its the wrong type or something. idk whatever. hmm fri is nyc. cant wait. although affording it is gonna be hard, specially with this thing in hamilton on the 19th…grrr.

thats about it. oth is on in an hr. cant wait. and than ill prob sleep early. i gotta find out how to get my paycheck at work tomorrow…gonna be hard..

-nicole  

hey. so last time i wrote in this i wasnt even 21 yet. now i’ve been 21 for a while and nothings changed really. expect i buy beer for my friends:D lol. i dont even think i get drunk more often. i still visit b&n. i got a job at aaa in pburg so now ill be able to maybe, see jon more. idk. after last night at rab’s house, i think i’m done with guys. i’m just gonna take a break from them. and if they really do care to know me, they will make the effort. but i’m not doing shit for them bc they arent worth it. they never are. they just want to add another one too their numbers of girls they’ve had. well, i wont be one of them. i just cant. i dont get why guys can be so emotionless, yet girls have sooo much emotion in them. who planned that??? my legs have been hurting me a lot lately. the front top part of my legs mostly and today it started in the back too. i cant even walk down the stairs, i think i’m gonna fall bc they arent doing anything. idk. since dad found out hes got what gram and uncle mark has (Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia) and i know monica and i will get it. i cant afford the MRI tho to confirm it tho. i wish my stupid insurance didnt refuse to give it to me the first time when i went to the docs a while ago. than maybe we would have known and that was when i was under my parents insurance. now i’ve got freakin cobra and they suck. ughhh. mom says i should try and just call them and find out whats going on. i owe so much money to everyone and i dont start work till the 19th. plus i have to drive to hamilton nj for this freakin orientation bc of course i cant get a normal job where they give u an orientation at the place where your gonna work!! growl. ah well. fri amanda and i are going to nyc. to see Christopher Moore(kitty!). should be fun. i need to withdraw about a 100bucks. i wont spend more but you never know. i think ill do it all in cash so i dont go over. maybe ill put it in a visa gift card thingy. that might make it better although than if its lost, i think anyone could use it…grrrowl.idk. we’ll see what i do. alright. i think thats it. i just wanted to do a update for the hell of it. not like anyone really reads this shit, but whatever

~nicole  

Hi all. once again, in B&N. Good news! they are closing the b&n in whitehall and opening a new one in the Lehigh Valley Mall Cant wait. I wrote to them about the lack of a table in the whitehall location and they wrote back saying that they are opening a new one. I am currently writing back, with concerns I have for the new store(more plugs, tables etc) all things that i figured out while i would spend all my time here with chris. i wanna tell them to hire cute guys and to have the store open 24/7 or atleast later than it is, but i cant  seem to work it into the email just yet. although, once i turn 21, i wonder how often ill be visiting b&n? prob the same amount. lol. Although, since wegmans is open 24/7 I can always go there. They just dont allow you on myspace, but who needs myspace?? LOL.
Last night was an okay night. I had a good time but i’m just tooo invested. too involved. too devoted. and that will get me hurt. so i’m backing off. i’m  not gonna make so much of an effort, but i wont. no i cannnt. be hurt again. its so hard to say what i want to say face to face. i have sooo many thoughts running through my head when i’m with him, but than i dont say half of what i wanna say and it kills me. kills me that i’m such a chickenshit. cause i miss him sooo fuckin much. i lay in bed wishing he was with me, cuddling. i wish he was with me when i go places bc i miss his arms around me. i need him. soooo badly. but distance and everything is keeping us from not letting that happen. i dont even KNOW if he REALLY wants it. but i do. ooohh soo fuckin badly. i cried on my way home from his house last night. i only left his house when i did, bc i knew if i stayed, i was gonna start crying. and i couldnt have that. i stayed strong till i was in my car. than it just started to flood. and that just hurt. i felt like samantha in sex and the city, when she was trying for that job with that guy and she was gonna cry and she ran to the elevator bc the tears were welling up in her eyes. thats how i felt. as i layed there with him, i was gonna cry. out of sadness or happiness? i’m not too sure yet. maybe a mixture of both? i smoked so many cigs on my way home its not even funny. i felt so scared. scared of what if he doesnt really feel how i feel? amanda told me that i have to be careful, and i am. i’m guarding my heart like its fuckin fort knox. cause its breakable. as i found out. and although its mostly healed from the last time it was broken, it still is fragile. i need stickers to put on it. “fragile. do not drop”. haha. will it help? no clue. but it might remind me not to throw it around like a ball. i cant play baseball with it.
hinder concert next month and i cant fuckign wait. nik and i were throwing around the idea of taking a limo since no one really wants to drive. hahha. a limo would be fucking awesome. but crazy. but still awesome. amanda and i need to get the buckcherry tickets too. soon. and i need to make sure to tell red roof inn i need those days off. lol. hopefully it wont be a big deal.

heyyy. well i’m getting ready for another day with amanda. it should be fun. lool. i wanna wear my boots, but idk what with yet. still obsessed with hinder. its still not my bday yet

It is now Monday 10/16/2006 at 12:43:07 PM
Event: My 21st Birthday
Scheduled For 10/19/2006  12:00:00 AM
2 days 11 hours 16 minutes 53 seconds or
0 weekends or
3 days or
59 hours (39 waking hours) or
3,556 minutes or
213,412 seconds

hahha. ok well. i just wanted to post another entry. making everyone aware that i am alive. and better than yesterday. hahah. tonks is coming with me when i go hang out with amanda, so i wont be online, but doesnt matter either way.

It’s funny that you’re calling me tonight
And yes I’ve dreamt of you too
And does he know you’re talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don’t think she has a clue
Well my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

god it hurts. chris and i arent friends and it is hurting me alot. he wont even listen to me. i try and try. and he just ignore me. i really thought we had a great friendship and its all gone now. fuck, more tears. i hate that it hurts soooooooooooooo badly. i really do. its just so painful. b&n isnt the same anymore. my life isnt the same anymore. i didnt think i really was a horrible person. sure fucked up, but not outright horrible. not so much that it makes jackie plan and plan trying to hurt me. first with jon and now with chris. it hurts. so damn badly. and i dont know how to make the hurt stop. nothing i have tried so far has worked. *nothing*. and i’ve been trying. but it wont stop hurting. maybe ill carry this hurt wiht me for the rest of my life. however long that will be. unless i put a bullet into me. that would end the hurt.

bahh here i am up so damn early. i could have slept for a few more hours but I forgot to clean my room last night like I promised and mom is having a cleaning lady look at the house today sometime. I guess my guilt woke me up, but mom would never believe it. if she poped her head in now(God forbid) she would start screaming at me about how i dont care etc. ah well. I hope there is cereal in this house cause i am hungry. finally i can go get breakfast. short update i know, but atleast its an update. which is more than some ppl give….:-/

~nicole

Hehehe. Life has been pretty good so far. I have that babysitting gig at nights whenever i’m not working which brings in extra cash. Those kids are great too. Madison is the oldest and i have to help her with her HW and than we have Travis who is the sweetest little boy and will listen to you, and than Wyatt who doesnt like to go to bed and isnt a big fan of me He wants his daddy. hahaha. Maybe he will get used to me. He does have a sweet tooth so maybe i can get on his good side by giving him sweets? LOL. Madison LOVES horses too. So once I figure out what the others like I might be able to do something horse related one day. Or something. hahahha. I was off yesterday and today. Yippee. Went to the Rockaway Mall yesterday. Today I have nothing planned really but getting my work schedule and maybe playing some more sims. lol. I first should *get out of bed* lol. its noon and i just woke up. hhahahha. Oh and i do need to clean my room today LOL. thats it for now.

~Nicole (and i have no clue if regular updates on xanga will happen, I just hate the myspace blog)

I think I am done with xanga for the time being. I will continue to blog at myspace tho so if you wanna know whats new with me, go there. Maybe when I get home from hawaii(sadly, it will be on fri), I will start xanga up again. But I want to give myspace’s blog a good chance. So check me out there. I never can really stay away from xanga for too long so don’t completely forget about me here. LOL.

gone for now from xanga,
nicole

Superbowl is on and i found these things so i’m doing them. LOL

1 – [x] Gotten Drunk
2 – [] Smoked pot/ciggrette
3 – [ ] Wrecked a car
4 – [] Ridden in a police car
5 – [x] Saved an email
6 – [] Said I love you
7 – [] Fell in love with a best friend
8 – [ ] Came to school high
9 – [x] Hung up on somebody
10 -[x] Held hands with somebody
11 -[ ] Been to a Warped Tour
12 -[x] Bought clothes at Wal-Mart
13 -[x] Broke something in Wal-Mart
14 -[x] talked back to a teacher
15 -[ ] Ripped up a detention
16 -[ ] Got into a fist fight at a public place
17 -[] Skinny Dipped
18 -[ ] Gotten a caracature done of yourself
19 -[x] Gone to Six Flags
20 -[x] Cried in school
21 -[x] Broken a bone
22 -[ ] Ran in a Marathon
23 -[ ] Been to the Masters
24 -[ ] Ripped your jeans in a public place
25 – [x] Cried just so you’d get something
26 – [x] Ran away from home
27 – [] Listened to music so loud the neighbors complained
28 – [ ] Skipped detention
29 – [ ] tYpEd lIkE dIs
30 – [x] Wore your pants so low that your underwear showed
31 – [x] Shot a gun
32 – [x] Cussed in school
33 – [x] Got into a fight with your best friend
34 – [ ] Broken someone’s heart
35 – [x] Cried when somebody died
36 – [ ] Bought a Britney Spears CD
37 – [] Went to a movie with someone that you liked
38 – [x] Had a goldfish
39 – [x] Broken a window
40 – [x] Said “izzle” in a word
41 – [x] Made up a nickname for yourself
42 – [x] Gotten so mad you kicked/punched a hole in your bedroom wall
43 – [x] Been kissed
44 – [x] Been to a foreign country
45 – [x] Owned a band t-shirt
46 – [x] Been late for school
47 – [x] Bribed someone
48 – [x] Played with a lighter
49 – [x] Made fun of someone
50 – [x] Told someone that you liked, how you felt