"No one can save u from urself."  <~ how tru huh!

hey ppl...im postin now cuz i dunno where this nite is gonna lead me...im prolly gonna go out later since im bored and being bored is bad....blah.  Saturday i start my workout routine (alot of stretching ex: yoga woohoo! and umm lemme see gymnastics of course...jus lil stuff i can do in my room).  o btw im in love with diet coke.  serioulsy it fills u up and gives u energy...cant beat that! 

I haven't eaten in 2 days and i've lost about 6 lbs...mayb more im not sure cuz i haven't weighed myself w/o my clothes on yet.  i guess its a good start although i dont think the fat could ever come off at a rate fast enough to please me. 

o hey ppl btw...if u read my site and im not subscribed to urs and u want me to post on urs leave me a note or sumthin so i kno.  hehe well i hope ya'llz have a good nite.....enjoy summer while it lasts!!!!  i think im goin swimmin tomm cuz its gonna b hawt!! ooo oooo!

well these past like 4 days i've been eating a shit load and purgin like crazy...but it's all over today cuz school starts on monday so i cant b/p anymore.  my schedule is gonna be crazy too...i got classes everyday and then right after i go to work.  i work monday, tues, wed, and sat.  im gonna be sooo busy but im glad cuz then it will keep me on track.  the only time i eat is when im bored so since there isnt gonna be much downtime i wont have a problem hopefully.  tomm i gotta go get my books and stuff too at school...ugh!  o ya...i think i caught something from Brandon when i had sex with him.  i dunno tho so i have to make an emergency appt. with the gyno tomm.  im really scared too.  its nothin big but still i feel really dumb.  i had to tell my mom too and now she thinks im some kind of slut.  i told her i wasnt but i dont think she believes me.  im never having sex again untill i have a serious boyfriend....theres just too much at risk.  im gonna get checked for everything just in case even tho im scared as hell. im not too excited to have to go in to the gyno tomm and take my pants off and get all this stuff done....but i wanna be safe. 

im really excited for fridAY cuz im gettin my hair highlighted and styled...yay!  then im going to get a manicure and pedicure.  theres nothin better than gettin pampered hehe.  plus it always makes u feel so much better too. 

o i get all my money back from my plastic surgery i had done back in february cuz i guess the ding dongs at my insurance company payed for it.  i still think its wrong tho cuz the ppl at the hospital got payed twice considering i payed in full before i even had the surgery.  my insurance company got totally screwed but hey i get my money back.  hmm what am i gonna get done next??????????????

my new stalletos i bought from nine west should be commin either tomm or friday and i cant wait!  they are sooo cute and sexi...i couldnt find them at any of the stores nearby so i had to order em from a store in flordia.  i would show ya'll a pic of em but i cant figure out how to put pics up haha..oh well use ur imagination i guess hehe.  well im outtie cuz its gettin late and i gotta be up hella early...grrrr lolz.

<3 me

wow...ok so alot of things have happended since my last post hehe.  wed nite i went out with arielle and jessica to these guys apt to hang out and man oh man.....such DrAmA!  jessica and arielle were like fighting over this guy and then on the way home in the car all i heard was ringing in my ears from all their screaming...i just kept my mouth shut cuz im not into all that lol.  thurs nite (last nite) i hung out with matt (yea we resolved things...i guess he didnt call me for lke that week and a half cuz he said he wasnt in the mood to talk to anyone...i was like whatever i jus think its messed up to shut someone outta ur life for that and not give them the heads up when they try callin u) sooo last nite we drove downtown, walked around, blah blah...i kno this is mean to say but its the truth...i find matt kinda boring.  i think im too hyper for him haha!  ohhh *NeWs FlasH*: brandon (my ex/booty call lol) called me last weekend and texted me too the nite before that.  i basically told him i was busy and had to go haha.  so last nite i signed online for the first time in like a month or more and he messages me askin to hang out...i told him too bad cuz i already had plans...LMAO!  it was GREAT!  i kno he totally expects me to just like drop everythin im doin to drive down to his house just to get some ass....haha gimmie a break!!!!  to be honest i could care less about him....i think hes a man whore anyways and a bad fuck haha.  <~he knows this too cuz i told him straight up hehe  

well ive havent really eaten anything these past 4 days...dunno why...actually all i had today was 4 sugar free lil hard candy thiniges (sooo yummy! pina colada flavored, cranberry, strawberry-bannana, & orange i think?...(like 25 cals for all 4!) they were good too!  u'd be suprised how much u can find to savor ur hunger that is slim to nil calories...its great!  i think ive lost like 9 lbs too....crazy huh.  i guess now that i kno i cant b/p anymore its makin me really motivated to keep up with this.  although i have to admit its hard but since i dont have a choice there are no alternatives.  gosh im so tired cuz ive been out these past 2 nites and havent got home till like 5am so tonite im just stayin in and goin to bed.  gotta lot of work this weekend so its all good plus i really need the money since i went shoppin yesterday and spendt lke 400 bucks...i bought these jeans from E-street...one was a pair of Hudsons that cost like $122, and the others were Legends tha cost $139. i kno ur prolly thinkin im crazy for getting that shiat but trust me these jeans R dA Shiat hehe!  i also bought this Buffalo sweater that has the most adorable bell sleeves hehe.  i kno i kno im a shoppin nut lol.  i cant post on ya;llz site now cuz i got some stuff i gotta take care of b4 i pass out so ill leave comments tomm nite.....*nite* sweeties!

<3 me

my life is soo shitty right now.  first off, i have been b/p the last 2 days.  i thought i could get rid of it forever....but everytime i try i fail.  why do i like purging so much?  i broke my toliet the other day.  it really sucked cuz when the lax kicked in @ 4am i had to use another bathroom which i didnt like.  i like my bathroom and my toliet lol.  sorta pathetic huh.  but my dad fixed my toliet so im happy.  i really need to end this purging cycle forever cuz school starts on the 25th and i cant continue doing this.  im really scared right now and nervous as hell.  the longest ive gone w/o purging in the past 5 years is only 11 days.  now i have to stretch that 11 days into a life commitment.  time is running out and i need to get my ass on track so ill be ready for school.  so 2nite im purging out my system and starting up on my "life commitment to ana" tommorow morning.  GOD HELP ME!  ana doesnt hurt me....she may cause hunger pains but physical pain i can take....mia causes emotional pain that i cant bear to live with.  i cant flip out about eating so lil when i do.  i set my expectations way too high when i start a fast.  i expect  myself to go 5 days on just water?  gimmie a freakin break!  so then when i eat a lolipop on day 3 of my fast i flip out cuz i already let myself down.  setting my expectations so high only leads myself to an inevitable failure.  so i came up with a new plan.......

Day 1-3: nothing but water

Day 3-10: liquids (popscicles, lolipops, freeze pops, etc)

Day 10-the rest of my life: 250-500 calories a day max

so yea....thats my plan and im writing up a contract tommorow morning and signing it so i cant break this plan.  if i do...well i wont cuz when i sign something i kno im commited to doing it.  plus i dont have much of a choice if i want to succeed this year at school which i want MORE THAN ANYTHING! 

im still nervous though for school...i dunno i get so overwhelmed when i walk into a place with a bunch of people i dont know and i have to sit down in a class room and interact with them none the less.  im so shy when i first meet people if im alone, but once i get to kno the person im very outgoing.  it seems like im only shy when im alone. maybe its cuz im so insecure with myself.  ya prolly.  shit i wish i could fix that.  more than anything i just wish i could not care so much what people think and just do what i have to do.  and the only time i get remotely close to accomplishing that is when im on a fast.  when i eat and purge i feel  like shit and wont leave the house unless i have to.  this is why it has to stop.  FOREVER.  i kno ive said this so many times before but this time im serious.  i am so motivated to prove myself to my parents and myself that i can suceed this year at school that im not gonna let ANYTHING GET IN MY WAY....ESPECIALLY FOOD!