i watched Dark Knights yesterday! it's nice, a good movie. hee. had a few shocks, and raph-cover-her-eyes, dee-cover-her-ears moments. i'm so not a movie person, probably watch one in a few months. but i saw the trailer of another movie i want to watch! Eagle's eye.. or something along those lines.

Ehub's not too bad a place to go. now there's a nice cinema alternative to the ones in town. ;) plus it's under Cathay so i get my privilege when i wave my student card. i always think it's a bitter-sweet thing.. so i do get something at a cheaper rate with that card, but i also get much less sleep with that card.

speaking of student cards or anything student related.. semester 1 AY 2008-2009 is going to start soon.  so utterly sad. bidding for modules is going to start next week.. grrr.. how come science/engineering students don't have to bid for their modules but all the (happening) arts students have to bid for theirs? so it's going to be back to lectures/tutorials/mtgs, 38 deadlines in 12 weeks schedules (at least that was my schedule last semester) and being surrounded by girls who look like they're ready to PARTY more than study. i'm going back as a honours year student! which is really weird because in all honesty, i can remember the time i was a year one student.

that said, i hope i'll only be going back this time for 2 weeks. i sincerely can only find one module that i would be vaguely interested in reading, introduction to clinical neuropsychology (disorders related to brain impairments), and only if i can choose to write my paper on something language and brain related. And out of desperation, i would need to fulfill credit requirements and take other modules like evolutionary psychology, history and systems of psychology (urgh) and i- can't- think- of- one- more-i'd- be- interested- in. all because i've already read three honours year modules in the past AY.

so there, the troubles of raphaela hew. oh woes woes..  (i like the tiny whatever-bummer mouth)

lovey,
raph

i know.. from not blogging to one post almost every other day.

must be something to do with.. not having much else to do? :)

had a prac session yesterday in church with MM, and i enjoyed myself. :) we've had many songs that individuals in the church have written over the years, and MM's looking to record them. i've always felt more comfortable with the keyboard than with the mike, though it's the mike i've had to be good friends with over the years. haha.. playing with MM's different. There's a basic level of understanding as to what music is, involves, should be like.. what feels right or wrong, because mostly music cannot be put into the most precise of words. everyone wants only the best that they can give to God, in that sense we're acutely aware that we are musicians too.

 i don't want anyone to think i'm putting down YFM when i say all these. i'm proud of all the young ones in YFM. :) it's a learning point, and there's always something both ministries can learn, and needs to be learning. With YFM, it's the realisation that we need to be musicians too. there IS a right and wrong where music is concerned, where the feel of music is concerned, where technique is concerned. and if we CAN reach there if we just try, and put effort in improving our technical skills, what's our excuse for not doing so? The heart of worship is not the absence of a pursuit of excellence. Instead, it IS the pursuit of giving our best to Jesus, We joined the music ministry, so we do our part in serving God and the church as musicians. 

side track, I've been living the 9am-5pm life the past weeks. haha.. basically hoping KKH will call me, and that hope is lit during office hours of 9am-5pm everyday. monday to saturday. okok.. hee. God doesn't follow office hours, so since my source of hope doesn't follow office hours i'll try not to too.   

just some thoughts. :)

lovey,
raph 

surrender.

not just the bad things.

the good things as well.

especially the good things.

you know when God shows you good things
things you know are on His heart for you.
things you know and see
desires
deep within you.
that come from meeting God in the most inner place.

it's the not knowing how..
you'll get there.
not knowing what you ought to do, when 
yet knowing it must be
that's difficult.

the fear of missing something,
making a wrong decision.
just anything.

then there are things you want.
think it would be a blessing to have.
good things.
how can they be anything but good?
in your perception at least.

God is demanding all these from me again.

it is not these things He wants me to want.

not till I learn
it is Him i am to want most.

surrender.

even the good things.

because God is always better.

then live it out.
let it play out in everyday life.
let the heart of surrender manifest in the everyday life.

may God be glorified.
and may I become more and more like Jesus.

it is no longer i who live
but Christ who lives in me

and the life which i now live in the flesh,
i live by faith in the Son of God,
who loved me and gave Himself up for me.

ok so this is it?

hmm.. not quite. I'm still at the ..this.. stage.

after 3 years of studying psychology in NUS, slogging over assignments/projects/ essays/ exams, sending countless emails and/or chatting with my professors over our common interest (language, child language or anything language/ child related), reading reading reading and reading articles and write ups ( yummy!).. i've reached the crossroads that i've been looking at since I was in year 1, or even before I entered NUS! 

I was speaking to dee on the way home yesterday, and she was saying it's such an exciting time for me now. whell.. kinda, but not quite. raph the leader-mentor-or just the older one around says that waiting's good, that sometimes God makes us wait if the timing's not right, to trust in the Lord as something that is also good and needed and that's exactly what comes out of waiting. buuut raph the just-me doesn't like waiting. :l ok raph the just-me UNDERSTANDS why the waiting.. but i still struggle with it.

so what i am rambling on about.. basically admission into a master's programme for speech and language pathology. :)

and what am i waiting for.. a reply from Flinders University (after an application sent in and an interview), a interview with University of Sydney (after an application sent in), a reply from KKH regarding a scholarship (after an application sent in and an interview) and something from NUS (after an application sent in and a written assessment). I say something mainly because the odds of getting in are so amazingly slim that I don't dare say anything else other than something.

and i was telling God yesterday during worship (poor God who has to hear repeats over and over again. raph in emo moments has limited vocabulary) that all i really want to do.. is to be able to offer hope to people who are hurting and in need of help, to offer professional help to people who need it, to love the children who will come into my care and help them overcome that specific situation they are in, to assure parents and let them know i understand how difficult it must be, how tiring.

i want to be a good therapist, with as best professional skills as i can hone.

because i want to be able to offer hope through offering professional help, and therein to demonstrate and offer the love of Jesus.

it's simple, really.

so why is everything else not?

i don't know. :)

ok emo moments come creeping back in.

i've been exceptionally good at becoming or being emo the past 3 weeks or so. at least i've honed that much. pretending that i'm not crying and it's just a sand that got into my eye at bus stops/ buses/ mrts, darn the sand.

everything's been so difficult. and i'm struggling so hard to not demand answers, to be gracious and understanding. can i not be? can i demand for an answer?

ok so i'm talking about more than one thing.

:)

and in true me-with-my-football-commentator brain style, i shall talk about something else! books have become my other best friends, libraries my latest hang out points. (see that's why i hang out alone and you don't see cool cool pictures of me in facebook smiling beside lattes and cakes. ok i jest..) i'm so glad now's the holidays and i have all the time in the world to read. i almost borrowed a book titled 'A parent's encyclopedia on your children's health', but decided i wasn't THAT studious.. (if KK wants me, i'll go back and borrow that. HAHA) so i'm now with books on children with ADHD/ autism/ learning disabilities, a story on multiple personality disorder (though we did learn the existence of the disorder's being questioned, mainly due to exposure that most cases were induced by therapists asking leading questions suggestive of the existence of those alternative personalities), stories on children with elective mutism (interesting! basically children who don't speak due to psychological reasons, eg abuse within the family, accidents etc and not due to neurological impairments or physical/structural- i-don't-know-the term-for-it reasons. Tory Hayden's a great author), stories on abuse within the family. i need a nice cafe to bum in and read. maybe it's a sign i need to marry a guy who owns a cafe. yea, must be. a starbucks outlet or two would be nice haaa. Ben and Jerry's not bad too!

ok.. just a whole myriad of  thoughts, but when have i not been like that.

pray for me if you will. :)

love,
raph

just some random thoughts..

     - I realised I really love my family. Now that we have a common study room, my brother sister and I always spend lots of time studying together in the little room. We talk alot, laugh at silly things, crack jokes (mostly at my brother who insists he has a nice voice. haha!), make fun of each other, listen to each other's ipod with the speaker, sing along to songs together. Things have been getting much better in the house, and the whole family gets along better. We still have our moments though, from time to time, when I just feel like strangling my sister for being utterly rude (at least in my opinion), or when they refuse to buy lunch on sunday afternoons ( which means I need to WALK far far far to get it), when my dad is in a :S mood, and all other little things. But I can't imagine life without them. I've been cooking more for the family, and now make mean burgers, nikujaga, cold noodles and vegetable soup (haha!). Ok I brag. I realised something about myself too, and that is I really appreciate it when the family has a meal together over the table, especially when it comes to dinner. I think that's why I'm sometimes reluctant to stay out, and to go home for dinner when I know the whole family will be present. Minus-ing the days my brother has training, I have cell or practice or late lessons, and when my sister has late lessons, there are relatively fewer days for us to have dinner together. When I cook, I really feel a sense of satisfaction when the whole family's together at the table eating it together. And so I think in my future family, I'd want to keep family dinner traditions. and I'd need a guy who appreciates it too. That's one way I feel loved.

     - I felt so burdened yesterday. It's not my matter to disclose, but whenever it comes up I know God is teaching me to keep my heart vulnerable and in touch with what's important over and above all, to love and to have compassion. I also realised that there are many practical things that I still need to learn. I ask that God will really equip me in this period of time, and that one day I can really offer professional hands and a compassionate heart.

     - After coming across and viewing some photos, I really wish I can have time to spend with people. extra time, like extra 24 hours. Or just extra time. Time time time. I sometimes feel that people still don't understand it when I say I'm busy with schoolwork. It seems to me the reaction I get from them is that I'm the one who is obsessing over my studies. I think God constantly reminds me, and I constantly check myself. But it is a very practical issue.. if I don't do my readings, don't study for my tests.. who is going to do that for me? Combine that with an acute realisation that this is the time for equipping, and that I need to put in effort to get where I hope to go, to be useful for the people I am to go to. Combine all THAT with just really a deep interest in what I'm studying right now. But see, that leaves me with very little time for other things, for myself, and most importantly for people. I would love to spend time with individuals, and I do love them, but when schedules clash and timings clash, and when deadlines and workloads and ministry responsibilities come into the picture, I don't know what to do. There are individuals who are so precious to me, and when I see pictures of them going out, eating, having fun together.. I wish I can do all that with them too.. of course I would want to. Who wouldn't want to enjoy company, connect life to life, spend good quality time each other individuals? I wonder if I am too preoccupied with my schoolwork, or if I were smarter and more capable with my schoolwork (ie don't need to spend so much time on it), or if I have the ability to cope with lesser sleep.. would I be able to do all that? and be all that I can be for others, and in their lives?  I wish I knew.

[ half an hour and a couple of webbies later..]

      -I wish I have the time to cook lots of yummy stuff! I LOVE cooking, I love trying out new receipes, and I love feeding people I love. Ok one more thing to add on my 'to-do' list for the coming 3 month hols! (though from past experience those 3 months hols get cluttered up really easily and fly by much more easily). I WANT TO COOK! also I want to learn dancing, go exercising, do an internship and go shopping.