I never realized how lonely it would be living with two people I spend a good majority of my time with. I never knew I could feel so isolated. I could go out and do something, but what? What would I do? Who could I see? Where would I go? I don't really have a lot of friends in the area. It's sad but very true. I have people I can hang out with here; it's not as if I know no one at all. I'm just not as close with people as I originally thought I was. I like the privacy for the most part, but I'm still getting used to it. It's hard living so quietly and going to work where solitude is  a given because of training and the lack of students during the summer. It's actually surprising how many customers we may get in one day... Anyway, I wish I had someone to talk to. I have people, but they aren't the people I really want to be talking to. It's silly, I know. I suppose Carly Simon had it right: You never really know what you've got 'til it's gone. I'm not going to say that I want it back right at this moment because I'm not even sure. It's nice having a break and taking a breath. It's like a burden was lifted from my shoulders, leaving me hollow instead of whole. I said I would be okay. I said that I would learn to deal with it, and I am. I can't take that back. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. The very first time he and I separated, I lost my breath for a few seconds. I was confused and guilty because I knew it was my fault, but I thought there might be a another chance for me. I didn't realize that the second chance would come two years later. Now that I'm here, at the end of a year and a half of the opportunity, I'm lost again. I sit at my desk, unsure of what I'm doing next and what I should accomplish. I feel more poor than I have ever felt before. It's not that I don't have money, which I don't. It is simply the fact that he and I shared something special to me. Our relationship was something of value. It was the thing I valued more than anything else. I could see him and me and look at myself with confidence. I honestly feel like a part of me that made me worthwhile is gone. I've been trying so hard to mask my emotions and my inhibitions so that no one will know. In many ways, I've never let anyone else carry my burdens. I keep my problems to myself because I feel like my problems are my own and that it shouldn't be up to someone else to help me come to terms with my misgivings. I guess what it has really come down to is the fact that I've been angry at him for shouldering his own burden when I could never let him help me carry mine. For how much I trust and love him, it really doesn't seem fair anymore. And so, I wait.

I didn't see it coming.

 

I sit on my bed writing as a flood of emotions began to overwhelm me. A thick sadness wells up inside my throat, heavy sobs bursting from my chest. My vision blurs so I cannot see anything anymore, but I keep writing. I write everything. I write each disconnected thought that comes into my head about him, about me, and about us. I pause for a moment to look at the television set. Even the moving images of the comedy that is airing are not enough to lighten my mood. The crying keeps on, and I begin to feel numb.

 

I shut my journal, loving the sound of magnetic clasp hitting the cover, but still, my heart will not let me revel in it. My mind displays a barrage of images of his face on the lids of my darkened eyes. Unable to handle it anymore, I get out of bed and stumble through the dim light to my chair, waking my laptop up.

 

I get online and sit in front of a white screen, unsure of what I am planning on doing. My hand seems to know what it wants to do and clicks several links until my inbox is opened to a message from him. I read it slowly, over and over. I look at the words and try to determine whether there's something there I missed, something I didn't catch but nothing is there. I stare at the bright screen, still unable to console myself of the salt and water streaming from my eyes. My sobs have turned into gasps, and my body is weak from lack of breath.

 

I look at the page and begin to compose a message to him:

 

I'm just seeing how you're doing. I've been okay, about as okay as one can be during finals. I've only had one a day, and today was incredibly easy because I only had to turn in a paper.

 

Listen, I'm not doing as okay as I thought I would. It may just take me some time. I don't know. It's completely selfish of me. I know it is, but I think about you all of the time. I worry about you.

 

I just want you to be happy and healthy, but I don't want to have you become a stranger to me. We were strangers for two years, and I don't want that to happen again.

 

Each sentence is a struggle through indecision. I sit waiting for the right words to come to, though none ever came. I keep going back and forth between sounding cheerful and letting him know everything I feel, everything that confuses me.

 

I click send before I have the chance to tell him that I love him. I click send and let my emotions stabilize.

 

I sit, blankly staring at a white screen that won't talk back to me. I sit, wondering whether or not I'm really as alone as I feel right now. I sit, knowing that these feelings will stop hurting me in time. I weep knowing that the time it takes will be unbearable.

 

2:01 AM

Moorhead, MN

May 2, 2008

WENDLA
Just too unreal, all this
Watching the words fall from my lips

MELCHIOR
Baiting some girl with hypotheses

BOTH
Haven’t you heard the word of your body?

MELCHIOR
Don’t feel a thing, you wish

WENDLA
Grasping at pearls with my fingertips

MELCHIOR
Holding her hand like some little tease

BOTH
Haven’t you heard the word of my wanting?

O, I’m gonna be wounded
O, I’m gonna be your wound
O, I’m gonna bruise you
O, you’re gonna be my bruise

Just too unreal, all this…

WENDLA
Watching his world slip through my fist

MELCHIOR
Playing with her in your fantasies

BOTH
Haven’t you heard the word – how I want you?

O, I’m gonna be wounded
O, I’m gonna be your wound
O, I’m gonna bruise you
O, you’re gonna be my bruise