decisions .

they suck . but sooner or later, we have to make them . choice seems to surround everything and anything of significant meaning in our lives . and sometimes choice isn't so bad . sometimes they're simple decisions . everyday decisions . the red, blue or green one ? (duh, the green one) what to eat for dinner ? what movie to watch ? what clothes to wear ? etc. you know the deal . and then there are those decisions and choices that are anything but ordinary . those decisions that challenge our beliefs and ourselves and allow us to choose who we want to be . those that aren't so black and white anymore, but rather all encompassing shades of gray . there's no more good or bad . just good/bad or good/bad . as they say, one has to choose between 'the lesser of the two evils' . and therein lies the predicament . because noone likes the bad . its BAD . noone likes an option where there's the potential for someone to get hurt . but the fact of the matter is that the older you get, and the more you experience life, the more you realize that everyone gets hurt . everyone goes through their pains and struggles . and everyone has to make these decisions sooner or later . i know i did . and sometimes we try to fool ourselves in thinking that maybe another option will pop up and save the day . that perhaps some miracle will happen and save us from our dilemma . save us from the guilt of making a decision that'll hurt someone that doesn't truly deserve to be hurt . but chances are, that won't happen . and noone ever really deserves to be hurt . from the moment we are born we sin and are sinned against . that's our nature as imperfect human beings . but that's just it: we're human . and through our decisions and actions we must accept the consequences .

so why delve into this topic ? what am i rambling about ? why am i rambling ? a couple people will understand better than others, but i'm sure you can all relate . when it comes to relationships, decisions suck 1032570193201 times more . i mean, relationships suck themselves (just kidding.. .kinda), but those decisions are always so messy . so much gray area . so many opportunities to hurt someone or get hurt yourself . but that's how we grow . that's how we learn . that's how we move on . that's how the story continues to the next chapter . live and let live . but how do we know which decisions to make ? how do we know whether it's the light gray or dark gray ? as for me, i go by three rules . three little things i think are absolutely necessary in any relationship . sort of my own life's experiences culminated into a still likely incomplete theory of relationships . anyone who really knows me, or has gotten to know me on a personal level, has heard me ramble on about this over and over again .

effort . something that i think is least valued in relationships . sometimes people believe they can rely on passion, or fate, or whatever they wanna call it . but relationships take work . when you hit a bump in the road, you grit your teeth, hold on, and get through it . when you fall in a hole, dig another way out . you don't let go of the wheel and let it steer off course . you don't sit and rot in the hole . and when you feel something wrong with your relationship, you do what you can to help it .

timing . another essential part . timing is that behind-the-scenes player . the timing in your life . the timing in the other person's life . meeting at the right place, at the right time . you may not know it, and you probably never will, but you've probably been through many a situation that you may have just barely taken hold of, or that was influenced in a much greater way that you could ever imagine . you also almost most definitely have missed many an opportunity because of bad timing . but i happen to be one to believe that everything happens for a reason . God has planned out all the 'mistakes' and 'chances' that will happen in our life . we don't have to understand it all . we just have to trust in it and accept it .

love . of course . last, but definitely not least . now i'm not talking about passion, lust, that kinda sugar-coating bullcrap . i'm talking about that stuff that makes you lose sleep . makes you care more for someone else more than yourself . make your cheeks hurt too much . makes you sigh so much people will think you have a breathing problem . the stuff that makes you so happy knowing that someone out there cares for you as much as you care for them . that's what i'm talking about .

so there . that's what i mostly believe breaks down any good relationship . a good healthy balance of the three . of course if any of those three are missing, you'd be hard-pressed on getting it all to work . i'm not saying it's impossible, because that would mean my little theory is perfect (although i have a LOT of time to think) . but if anyone can think of anything otherwise, i'd be willing to discuss = ]

so like i've said, these three essentials make up great relationships . but when it all comes down to it, i've always believed that your significant other should be your best friend . can you think of any reason why they shouldn't be ? i mean, if we're talking about that much trust, that much love, that much effort . it's like having someone who'll always be there for you . who'll understand you, and laugh at your jokes . who can read you when you're sad, or upset . whom you can talk to about anything .

which brings me back to my original topic . shit happens . and life doesn't always go the way you plan . who am i kidding ? it almost never goes the way you plan . God laughs at our plans . but He has given us free will . and our freedom to make our life however we want is God's greatest gift to us . when relationships and things don't go according to plan, there's a reason . when we are faced with difficult decisions, know that He equipped us with everything we need to handle it . He gave us all the roads we could ask for to choose from . we just need to have a little trust and take that first step .

- j e d i

give and take .

the basis behind equilibrium . the basis behind balance . but as I had just learned the other day, or finally opened my ears long enough to learn, if we were all in equilibrium, if we were all balanced, we’d all be dead . and in a way it makes sense . I mean, of course it makes sense in a scientific perspective . but even if you take it analogically, metaphorically, or any other which way you want to perceive it . if we were in constant balance, if we were completely content, what would be the point ? notice I didn’t say happy . I said content . its about balance . so we can’t be happy with the same reasoning we can’t be sad . but what am I getting at here ? am I just rambling on and on like my other blogs about the same old things ?

I’m currently at panera, and it’s 7.06pm, Thursday night, may 1, 2008 . I say this because by the time I post this blog, it will be long from now . only because panera’s wi-fi , for some reason, blocks xanga . anyways, I digress . now, as I’m sitting down here in my usual corner, and as per the custom I’ve come to build the past week, I notice all types of people coming in and going . most with the intention of simply getting something to eat from this slightly over-priced, but nonetheless appetizing venue . others, like myself, come here to enjoy the calmness and quiet of the environment, while utilizing the free wi-fi services they provide . so as I sit and work on either my research, pchem, or indulge myself with the internet’s many distractions, I also seem to distract myself by ‘people watching’ . now panera isn’t the only place I do this at . in fact, I do this about everywhere I go 24/7 . but for some reason today of all days, I decided to blog about it .

now, today I came to panera, as I always do, with a sort of agenda on my mind . certain goals I’d like to accomplish and ‘checkpoints’ in my work that I would like to achieve by the time my day is done here . today, I had come with the intention of getting at least half of my senior research thesis started and completed by the end of the day . I came in, sat down, got through my obligatory internet check-ups, ie. email, facebook, etc.. .and got to work . having discussed and worked on my research multiple times this semester, it had gone smoothly . and, as I’m writing about glycolysis and how I’m trying to connect it and directly match its influence to aging in an organism,  I notice a mother and her baby boy sit in the booth directly towards my 1 o’clock . she had sat him in one of those, baby high chairs that restaurants so conveniently stock for families that decide to come with their beloved beloved new additions . this infant boy had intrigued me . seems I’ve been surrounded by babies very much recently, and this baby only supported the spectulation . however, it wasn’t so much the baby I was watching, but the mother . how she carried him everywhere . how she lifted him and the chair over to the table . how she always kept her eye on him . how she fed him, little by little, even though you knew no one would ever eat that slow . how every little thing she did was revolved around her beautiful, baby boy and reflected her love for him . and then I thought about the “love” I yearn for . about the loneliness I feel so often . and then I thought about something that had crossed my mind at a traffic light on my way home last night . I had thought about how, if there was anything in the world I’d ever want more than someone to love and their love back, more than my soulmate’s companionship, is the chance to be a father . more specifically, the chance to have my own son . the chance to give another new human being all my love . the chance to influence and create art on what would be a clean slate of a baby boy and mold him into the best person I possibly could . kind of random . kind of strange . I know . but I have always felt a sense of accomplishment and pride in teaching and helping others . like nothing I’ve ever felt . to pass on everything that is me to another living being, while knowing it was all up to me . it was all my doing . it was all my responsibility . that it’s something I can fully GIVE . without ever worrying about the take . well, that’s something I think is worth more than anything else .

i can’t wait .