Finally I am working at a job I absolutely love.  I work at a company that actually appreciates me and my work.  The really nice thinig about being a Veterinary Technician, there is always a demand for them.  I do not have to worry about my position not being around for years to come, if anything there will be more of a demand.  I am so thankful to be in a job I know I was meant to do.

Have you ever really loved someone?

Have you ever loved someone so much, that it hurt to be away from them?

Have you ever loved someone so much, that you could feel your heart and soul cry when you were apart?

Have you ever loved someone so much, that you could never get enough of them?

Have you ever loved someone so much, that could never imagine spending your life alone?

Have you ever loved someone so much and you just knew you had to break up? It was the best....

Have you ever loved someone so much that life actually made no sense with them away?

Have you ever really truly loved someone so much that life seemed empty with out them?

Have you ever really truly loved someone so much that your life seemed to exinguish without them?

Have you ever loved someone and knew they were not for you?

Have you ever loved someone so much yet you knew your life would be better without them, but yet you still wanted to be with them?

Have you ever loved someone so much that when they walked away from you, you could feel the world shift and not seem so happy?

Have you ever loved someone so much and yet hate them at the same time?

Have you ever loved someone so much and yet you could feel your heart exhale when they left the room?

Have you ever loved someone so much you just had to make the person yours forever and yet you were so scared you felt like you would vomit anytime and you hoped they would never find out?

Have you ever loved someone so much and yet you could feel they really wanted out just as much as you did?

Have you ever loved someone so completly and had so many contradictory feelings going through your mind, you did not know what to make of it all?

Have you ever loved someone so much that you could not imagine spending your life with someone else who did not know you as well? And at the same time WANT to spend it with a stranger?

When you love someone so much there will days where you wish they were gone or you were gone, it is when you are able to get through this time and STILL want to be with them when you know you are with the right person.

When you love someone so much......all the bad times make you appreciate all of the good times that much more.

WOW!! I AM IN A NEW AND BETTER PLACE.

I am soo happy with the how everything has turned out in my life so far.  I lived in Washington for about five months.. I really loved being there and working.  I love being a veterinary technician so much that work does not feel like work at all.  However, I did not like living so far away from my family.  I always knew I was close to my family.. I just never realized how close I really am.  I missed my dad, sister, brother, my brothers girlfriend, my friends my soon to me in-laws...everyone I am the closest to

Anyway, I am soo happy to be near my family and friends.  I am very glad that I moved back.

I miss my aunt, uncle, and cousins soo much though.. I became really close to my aunt.. I hate not being near her, too bad she could not move back here then everyone would be perfect.

I should get going, talk later.

WOW!!!

I have been here now for about two months and it still feels like I am on a  vacation!  It is still surreal for me to be living here, I still think in the back of my mind I will either wake up or be told that I will need to go back to Wisconsin soon!  It is a dream come true for me to be living here.  I have always wanted to live here,  Whenever things would get pretty bad at work or in general I would fantasize about moving out here and working at a Veterinary Hospital.  I have always wanted to work in the Veterinary field, but I could not seem to get my foot in the door.  I was even told by one of my friends that she would try and get me a position at a veterinary clinic near her house but that in the mean time I would need to work in the home care field for the time being.  Because the clinic she was trying to get me a position at was not highering at the present moment.  

I really needed to move out here to move on with my life.  I was not working and all of the jobs available to me where for things that I did not go to school for.  I hated every moment of being there (that is the last month I was in Wisconsin)... I could tell from how well things were going that I was stuck.  There is nothing worse in life then knowing that you are stuck with no where to go.  I had exhausted every job venue available to me in the Northern part of Wisconsin.... and I had no reason to stay, the only man I ever loved had betrayed me in such a way, that I knew we could NEVER get back together.  How can you trust somone when they hurt your very fiber, heart, soul, person....   I surprisingly do not hate my ex.. I would just rather not see him on a daily basis or have the chance of running into him while I am out.  I have forgiven him for what he did to me because he actually gave me a chance to live.  I was given a chance to spread my wings and fly away and for that  I will forever be thankful for.  I know now that he gave me the best gift of all, a new chance at life. 

If you (C) happen upon my sight in the wee hours of the night, I am going to holler out a "Thank You" to you.  "THANK YOU" because of you I was able to work in a nice Veterinary Hospital, get to know my aunt better and have some experiences in life that I will forever be in debt for you.  I just hope that you are able to have as wonderful a life if not better then the one I have.  I hope that things are good for you.

It is super nice here, I love being here so much. 

OUT! 

WOW!!!!

It has been a really long time since I last typed on here.. I am not even sure where to begin.  This past month has been really busy for me.  O.k the last time I was on here I was working at a nursing home in Duluth.  I ended up loosing that job.  I was rolling a really heave lady so I could change her pad, and as I went to roll her I noticed that she was really weak, I did not think much of it.  Once I had her on her side I had to hold her up and put a dry pad on her.  This particular lady is close to 300 or 400 pounds at least.  Once I was workman comp. they decided to let me go due to not filling out the proper paper work in a timely manner!   That same week I found out that my dad may have Parkinson's Disease or Parkinsonism.  Parkinsonism is when the person has all of the symptoms of Parkinson's but they actually do not have the disease.  The only way to test and make sure the person does in fact have Parkinson's is through an MRI.. So, my dad will be going in for that next week.  I am really sad because his speech has been getting worse especially when he is tired.  My dad is really unsteady on his feet, he looses his balance everytime he stand's up and every time he stands in one place for too long.

About two or three weeks ago while all this other stuff was going on I went over to C's place because I was really sick of the way he treating me and I felt that if he wanted to remain friends he would need to treat me better then he was.  I really wanted to get some answers from him; such as if he had been cheating on me while we were together.  I had the strongest feeling for the past two years that C was having an affair with one of his really good lady friends from work and I really felt that he owed me an explanation as to whether this had really been happening and if me and C could try and be friends... I just needed to know what all of the stuff meant that he had been telling me and I wanted to know then.   Anyway, I go over to his place and his friend (whom I believed was the "other" woman) is there with him and they are sitting around watching t.v and talking.  I end up going into his placed and staying for about three hours because we had tons of stuff that we needed to work through in order for to be friends even.  While I was over there his little (actually she is huge) friend told me that C had indeed been cheating on me with her!   I was floored, I had feelings it was going on but I never really thought that he would actually go out and have an affair behind my back for two years!  I find this out and immediately after I find this out they start ripping into me saying that I am a very selfish person and that I only think about me!  Any of my friends would tell this is not the case at all.  In fact I go out of my way to help people all of the time.  Needless to say when I found this out it completly devestated me.  I did not know what was going on at all, I felt like I was in a movie and that everyone was coming after me, I did not know what to do.  I decided right after he told me that I needed to go the bathroom and be alone, I did not want them to see me at this point.  But by no means was I ready to leave I could not drive there was no way I could.  The kicker of the whole thing was that he and she had told me, "you cannot blame us for what happended, we fell in love and you cannot blame feelings."  I was  floored when he told me this.

The week after I found out that C was cheating on me I decided that I needed to move out of the Duluth/Superior area to get a better handle on my life and work at a job I love.  I needed a change, a fresh new start on my life.  So, after about two weeks of looking for a job I had decided that I would move to Washington, for now.  If my dad get's really bad I might end up moving back so I can take care of him.

I bought a train ticket last Friday for Sunday, and I deboarded the train in Washington on Tuesday!  On wednesday I had an interview at a veterinary hospital over in Edmond's.. I live in Kingston with my aunt.. so it is not too far at all.  I will have to take the ferry and a bus but that is not bad at all.:) I was offered the position, after being here not even a day!! Which I thought was really cool, I am soo happy that everything is going so well now. 

I am not too worried about my dad because my brother and sister live at home with him.  I am sure everything will go fine and if he needs something done that he cannot do my siblings will help him out as much as they can.

I start my new job on monday!!!

My train ride was really nice.  At first I was scared and nervous.  I was standing in the aisle trying to find a place to sit where I could be all alone, I did not feel like being around anyone at this point.  While I was standing in the aisle this guy moved some of his stuff and said, "If you want to sit here you can."  So I did.  He showed me how things on the train worked (I had never been on before in my life).  Me this guy ended up talking for most of the train ride. It was really nice to meet someone who was nice and liked to talk just as much as I like to talk.:) 

Everything is going so much better for me out here in Washington I know I made the right choice to come out here.

out

I  cannot believe it has been so long since I last wrote.  I have been so busy with trying to get my life back into order I did not realize I have not been coming here to type away my problems.  So, in September I graduated from DBU!  The graduation went great!!  I ended up landing a wonderful position down near Minnapolis only the supervisor and me did not quite see eye to eye and I ended up leaving after being there for a month.  I moved back home and started looking for a job.  I am currently working at a nursing home back up north.  By next month I may end up leaving my job because I really think I will have a position! 

It is really weird being single after you have been with someone for so long.  I have been single for about four months but it seems like a lot longer to me because I was involved with C for about eight years on and off...  We are off (again) but really this time feels alot like a final ending to "us" being a couple together.  I know I will always love him with all of my heart, I am just wondering if it will be possible for me to feel differently towards him after a while..  For me when I love someone I will always love them..  C was the first guy I truly loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I had really thought the second time around would stick and we would be together for the rest of our lives.  I really hate feeling sad about the whole thing, but, it is so hard to feel happy about it when the one you love so much has left you in such  way like he had.  I know that he is confused about whether we will end up together and he really feels that someday we will get back together but he wants to be single now and experience life..  I am NOT going to sit around and wait for him to come back to me because I feel that the day will never come.  I too will experience life and new people and see where that leads.   I know what I should do, but I cannot help but still feel a great loss whenever I hang out with him and feel like we should be trying to make things work. 

 I hate this trasition time, the time between an old relationship and a new one.  C has met someone and so far things are going fine for him, I hope things work out the way he wants them too.  I hope to meet someone new and show C that he gave up on something really great that he cannot have....EVER again.  I am trying to be friends with C there are times where it is really great being friends but then there are times where I feel like we are trying way to hard to be friends.  I do not want to loose C as a friend but then I think maybe C was not really that great of a friend to me at all and I should get out there more and meet new people.  It is hard to turn my back on C because of how long we were together and because I still care alot for him. 

There have been times when C has gotten mad at me because of something one of his friends will say to him, and he will yell at me!!!...I get so mad and hurt when he does this, I have told him so many times to stop doing this, and then he will get mad at me because he thinks I am giving him a guilt trip!!!!  I have tried so many times to stop hanging out with C, because it feels like I am trying to hard to be his friend...  and it seems like C could careless if I was even a part of his life.  I know that C does not want me out of his life but I cannot help but feel like he does because of how bad he will treat me... and I know that he could treat me better if he just tried to make a conscious effort to hold back his temper. 

I hate dealing with breakups!  They suck! 

Here is the weird thing about C EVERY time I get envolved with someone and he finds out, he will try and make me feel bad..  The last time I was dating someone C told me that he had an engagement ring all picked out for me and he showed me the model number of the ring he had on hold, yet he did not have a problem with breaking up with me!  That is why I am so confused about C, he breaks up with me and tells me he does not love me anymore, then he will come back and tell me does in fact love me... and then he will show me something that is suppose to make me feel bad and go back to him.  But, when I am single I am not good enough to even be with him, it is when I am with someone that he feels I should be with him!  He wants or thinks he wants what he cannot have. 

I just wish there was a button you could press that would allow you to not feel sad about a break up no matter how soon it was, and the feelings of happiness you would get once you pressed the button would remain for years and years.  But, there is no button and no matter how well you think you are doing you can get slammed again with the feelings of hurt.

I cannot believe Mother's Day is almost here... I cannot believe it has been 13 years since my mom died...WOW!!!!

My mom was in a motorcycle accident with her boyfriend, the day before Mother's Day.. she fell off the back of her boyfriends motorcycle and he brought her back to her place to rest...(she was pretty drunk).  My brother sister and I had not clue about this at all..  on Mother's Day we did not know that she was at home all by herself...until she told us later that night. We all went to my grandma's (my dad's mom's) for Mother's Day.  Later that night my siblings and I had to walk to my mom's house in order to get some water and we found my mom in bed.  The phone rang and it was Steve (my mom's boyfriend), he wanted to talk with my mom...  we went upstairs to get my mom.  I had to help my mom walk down the stairs to answer the phone. My siblings and I went back to my dad's house and left my mom to talk on the phone, we thoght she was fine.  We get phone call in the middle of the night: My mom was in the hospital, her cerebral fluid her brain was in was pure blood! (We found out later that my mom had a weak blood vessel that had burst due to the traumatic head injury she had indured, falling off of the motorcycle without a helmet).  My mom was in the hospital for two weeks and she was doing really well...  One night she had a stroke that hit her brain stem and ended up dieing in the hospital due to it.  Later after she died my siblings and I found out that my mom had actually been pushed off the motorcycle but her boyfriend!!!!!

Needless to say I really do not like Motherl's Day!!!!

Out