so here goes. almost a whole year has passed. literally. i am amazed/stupefied?/upset/confused? at what has/hasn't happened. the older we get the faster time goes by? i'm not sure what i'm waiting for anymore or if i even want to wait anymore. i feel as though i'm sure of the answer but i keep giving myself hope because i want a more definite answer before i break down.

my mom has informed me of a 7th uncle? (chut kow gong) having cancer?

how do i keep from letting such news get to me? how do i make myself happy?

why do i always feel like i need that something to motivate me to be better, why can't i do it for myself? why am i always so weak?

why do i play things in my head and when i play it in real life it's the complete opposite?