Currently Reading Crossing California By Adam Langer see related

I feel sort of guilty.  Like I've done something wrong...

Currently Listening Number Seven Uptown By Swearing at Motorists see related

Things are decently amazing.  This was the best Thanksgiving I've had in a super long time.  It was all of the family + Steve. 

Every time we're all together for a holiday, my cousin, Hunter, (who is 4 years old now) always makes me sit by him (which I have absolutely no problem with).  Well, after we were done eating and all playing in the basement (me, Steve, and Carrie were playing with the little ones, Hunter and Nickolas), Hunter took a large turn and decided that Steve was his favorite.  So, when we got dessert, he demanded that Steve sit by him.  It was adorable, really.  It's always cute when guys play with little kids, and actually enjoy them.  I'm not a kid person, but Steve really is. 

There's some recent drama in the family involving Carrie.  My mom and Bear were worried about Carrie and how close she was getting to Kyle.  Well, I was the only one who was supposed to exactly how far things had gone, but, having the big mouth that I have, and just being worried about Carrie and not sure what to do, I also told Carlos (/you) and Steve.  Last night me, Mom, Bear, and Steve were sitting in the kitchen and mom and Bear were trying to figure out what to do. Eventually Steve said, "Just tell them."  But I couldn't.  So, Steve and I had a team-meeting and I told Steve to tell them. 

It's all a big mess now.  I'm worried about what will happen if Carrie ever finds out that I told them.  I'm really just worried about her.  I don't want her to get hurt.  I love her and always have.  Over the years I've remained pretty damn faithful to our bond, even though I know that she hasn't and I still plan on it.  I never would have told my parents about that if I didn't think that it would be for the better. 

Basically, I'm kind of scared about what time will bring and how things will pan out.  For now, everything seems okay, but I still have an eager feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Okay, this is the part where I get cheesy and start saying things that I never really thought I would say.  Even though there are definitely some unsatisfactory things going on right now, everything still feels okay.  Everyday I realize more and more what an amazingly perfect boy I have.  We're very different, but it seems to be in terms of strengths, so it all sort of balances out.  I recently realized that what I saw as a slight lack of ambition is largely just Steve making the best of things as they are.  He's definitely calmed some of his habits down a lot simply because he knows I wouldn't approve. 

I have, traditionally, been a pessimist, but now I consider myself more of a..."trudger".  Meaning, I still think that things suck, but I know that they will work themselves out and that I have fun times ahead of me that will make the bad times not matter at all.  For example, I have a couple papers to write by next Tuesday/Wednesday that have to equal a total of 15+ pages (one of which I'm supposed to have read a novel for as well).  I'm also officially failing nutrition, and I probably won't be able to pass it (I failed the third exam as well - the exam that I was sure I was going to do quite a bit better on).  This week is also going to be super busy as it is tech week for SOAP.  However, I also know that this weekend, although hectic, is going to be extremely fun.  Steve is probably going to come up on Thursday and from there on out, I will be a happy camper. 

Maybe it's just the anticipation for times that I know will be happy that are keeping me going. 

The other day, I decided that I'm going to drop one of my classes for next semester and get a job since I'm pretty low on cash (meaning I have none).  I'm not sure which class to drop just yet, I'm going to wait until I'm actually in the classes to decide.  But, I really want to become more financially independent.  Or at least have some money.  I don't even know if I have any money in the bank, so I always have to kind of cross my fingers when buying gas with my card because I know it will run out soon.  And, I'm bad at the balancing thing.  Oops. 

This is super long, but I don't really care if anyone reads it.  I just wanted to get it all out in print some way or another.

Currently Listening Freaky Styley By The Red Hot Chili Peppers see related

The day is shitty and I'm just trying to surround myself with happy things.  But that doesn't seem to be working out too well...

BUT, I AM listening to the Chili Peppers.  That always makes me happy.  Actually, that also tends to make me feel uncreative, uninventive, and heavily lacking in the artistry area. 

I remember, back when I was super-into playing guitar (well, any instrument really) when I would watch live Chili Peppers videos.  For example, at my last house, I was sitting in the living room watching "Off the Map" when I just couldn't take it anymore.  I HAD to go grab a guitar and start practicing.  Watching John and Flea is so inspiring.  They're amazing.  Perfect chemistry, perfect artistry, perfect state of mind.  It's amazing.  Mind blowing.  I always felt this surge of urgency where I had to reach that level. 

However, I knew that the spiritual level that John reached during performance was probably near-impossible to reach.  It was frustrating.  But I just LOVE watching him play (live or on video/DVD).  You can tell he's just...not there.  He's on another plane entirely and it's a beautiful thing, to get so lost in one's craft. 

I don't think that the Chili Peppers' greatness was exactly what I was meaning to get at here, however.  That was a major interruption to whatever thought process was occurring in my mind.

Tuesday nights I tend to stay out super late.  Well, kinda late.  Nothing seems THAT late to me anymore.  But, I usually roll in around 2:15 in the am.  It's fun that way.

It seems like I just try to fill my week-days with ANYTHING to just get them over with.  Specifically if there's a weekend coming up in which I get to see Steve.  This shouldn't happen.  I want to just enjoy everyday for what it is.  Well, not to THAT high of a degree.  But I want to learn to like hanging out with my sisters just as much as anything else. 

It's pretty damn hard though.

Currently Listening Monte Carlo By Digger see related

Initiation was tonight.  I got some stuff.  Nicole, my big, gave me my big/lil exchange shirt, a picture frame, my scrapbook, a little stuffed lady bug, and a ladybug magnet.  My grandbig gave me a photo album (with a ladybug on it, of course) and socks. 

Initiation itself was kinda neat.  I probably can't explain why.

We went to the pub afterwards.  Nicole poked fun at the ASTs which made me laugh (it was after I told her I have a jerk AST roomie). 

I forgot what I wanted to say in here, so I'm done.   

Two Names You Go By
1. Dani
2. Danzi


Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Everything
2. Ever

Two Things That Scare You
1. Growing up
2. The thought of losing the boy

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Chapstick
2. Internet

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. ASA bid day shirt
2. Jeans

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers
2. Incubus
3. Alkaline Trio

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. Trust
2. Honesty

Two Truths
1. I'm holding myself back from starting a new life
2. I'm having a horrible time adjusting to life

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You
1. Tall and
2. Skinny (apparently)

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Taking pictures
2. Music I guess


Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Out East (to see the founding father's stuff)
2. Disney (weird, I know, but I do.  And I am!)

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Feel comfortable enough to be honest
2. Learn to trust

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Gay

1. I cry almost once a day, both happy and sad
2. Pink is my favorite color


Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. The Steve situation
2. Life in general

Two Stores You Shop At
1. Old Navy
2. Meijer