GIVING BIRTH WASN'T AS BAD AS EVERYONE SAYS IT IS...my water broke (little gush,then a minute later big gush)2:45 on my due date they put me on pitocen(sp?)i didn't feel anything up until i was seven inches dilited(just some tightening, like a muscle spasm)then i rolled over and it started to hurt(yes it was unbearable ...almost)then i told the nurse i wanted an epidural...i rolled over on my side to get the needle in my back....i felt like i had to push(so no drugs)20 min later (12:14 am)out pops a 7lb 7oz  20" angel named Amber Raine Kooren.

      everyone especially Brent was very supportive, as long as you stay distracted(with pushing and peoples voices you really don't feel anything(except  when she needed to cut me cuz i was gunna tear,she put the locals in and they never got a chance to work)

Brent stayed in the hopital with me for all three days(by the way there food is orgasmic,especially the parfait special)zach came up once to visit (that was an odd situation).

about two months later shes smiling and cooing and growing too fast(i'll get pics soon)SHE'S SOO CUTE!!!

i only have two more months left....(aaaaaa!!!!)i feel like a giant walking beach ball, it's getting to the piont where if i'm laying down i need help getting up.and i have to wear a pad now because if i laugh hard i can pee my pants.

      i love bieng pregnant i wish i could be forever,but it can suck a bit sometimes.haven't heard form zach in a long time.that's perfectly ok tho, i'm happier when i don't know what he's up to.and frankly i don't give a shit...nor do i want to.

         even though i love bieng pregnant, i know eventually that i will have to go into labor.which i have been thinking about allot recently ,and the more i think about it the more nervous it makes me. and everyone telling me their horror stories really doesn't help any.ive heard from like two people that it's not that bad and that they even did it withuot any medicine.

i know that as soon as i get a contraction i'm going to flippin lose it.i think it's worse because i've never been thruogh it b4....i think i could probably handle the pain.it's more that fact that i don't want to freakin flip i want to keep my cool but since i have no idea what it's like there's no telling what i'll do.I HATE UNPREDICTABILITY!

      i'm so nervous about it what makes it worse is that fact that from what i hear i have good reason to be.and that fact  that i don't know when it's going to happen makes it much worse i'm on the edge of my seat all the time.i could be eating dinner one day and woosh...my water breaks...wtf?!

i need to calm down...

wooooooow...i haven't updated since school got out...well i have now updated....

finnally school is over...(sigh)i wish i could be sad about it but strangely i'm not...(hmmm)last day of testing went really well.after breaking the news to my english teacher(who i'm sure will spread the news allong to everyone in the staff lounge.)i've decided that i don't want to tell anyone else...after all i am a teanager who usually doesn't like people i don't know all up in my biusness.it's not the fact that they're all happy for me which is strange , kinda.but it's the fact that i know they're all thinking that i'm probably a tramp in their heads,(which i'm deffinately not)they're all wondering well if she was such a good girl then how'd she get pregnant?

      i did get a comment from my biology teacher today that was really nice.he said "if you need anything give me a call." that's a lovely thuoght because i will probaly need allot of babysitters to make this thing work..althuogh i don't know if he's actually meaning it.he also said you'd better graduate which to me immplies that he thinks i have allot of potential,(or maybe i'm just vaine).

        lots of hugs and good lucks from all of the adults i've told.everyone wants to see him/her when it's born.so i figure when i have my recovery time i'll stop over at south and let em' see my baby.

         it's going to be soo tough.....i hope to god i can makeit thruogh highschool. i'll be working twice as hard as everyone else.i'm going to have three full time jobs.(school, a kid,and a job)...how am i ever going to manage?

not too mention all of my pets and plants,what's going to happen to them?how am i going to take care of a baby by myself, have a job, go to school, and pay quality attention to my pets at the same time???it's impossible...not to mention paying for my pets.

                        okay i need to stop thinking, it's too overwhelming...

aw hell!

               recently things have kinda sucked.....i find myself getting very derpressed.it's like i have no life and i have no friends.i feel like a dork at school cuz i look like one, and noone talks to me.all i ever do is sit alone at home and watch tv. the only place that i feel wanted is at work.it used to be okay when i had zach because he took up most of my time.now i don't have zach,i don't have anything...nobody calls me.

               it seems like all the good things in my life are pushed away by myself.i screw myself over.am i really that boring?i'm a quiet person, that's just how i am,sometimes i can be antisocial,but that doesn't mean i don't want to talk to anyone ever.

            i don't really have anything in common with anyone my age anymore,i feel so much older than i am.people my age always want to go party or do something crazy and hyper, i'd rather just sit and enjoy life,chat a bit.

         the things i like to talk about even are far older than i am,i like to talk about my garden and my pets,and my pregnancy.everyone my age likes to talk about what they did last night,all the crazy things they did,when the next party's gunna be.

        to be honest with all the problems with  drugs and alcohol i've had in my life i don't know if i ever want to do it again let alone have anything to do with it.

               maybe that's why i get along with my co-workers so well is that 90% of them are 5 or 6 years older than me.maybe even allot older.whenever i hear someone joke about sex or farting i kinda just want to say "grow up"i actually get annoyed by that stuff when just a short time ago i used to do that myself...

         i'm having trouble sleeping at night.i don't know if it's because i feel depressed or because this whole zach thing is stressing me out.

the dove died today,found her dead when i got back home from school.she must have got an infection from the sores.

oh well...i'm gunna get back to my pathetic time-wasting life.