If at first you don’t succeed

Currently Watching The Departed (Widescreen Edition) By Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen see related

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Ancestors - Family name history

In Vino Veritas

I'm not going to lie. I likes me some drinking! Beer, Bloody Mary's, Mojitos, the occassional shot of some crap that should probably be used as jet fuel, red wine (thyank gyawd for red wine as Professor Price would say)...I'm an equal opportunity lush.

At some point during an evening of drink, that part of my brain that censors me, just shuts down, and I end up saying the most ridiculous and at times offensive things. For example, when asked why I would put a tattoo in the middle of my chest, "It deflects attention away from my really large ass."  When told that there was a $2 cover at Rodos, a bar I normally won't be caught dead in if someone paid me, "Yeah, ummm, no. Not for me there isn't." The bouncer actually ended up picking up the cover for us.

Then there was the time that Mr. Peterson bet me a steak dinner that I wouldn't tell the guy in the sparkly sequined shirt, that looked like someone vomited a box of Lucky Charms down one sleeve, never to wear that shirt again. Oh but I did.

Me:  Hey, you're a good looking guy, but from a woman's perspective, you should never, ever, wear that shirt out of your house again.
Him: Really? You don't like it?
Me: Are you fucking kidding me?
Him: I thought that maybe it would attract attention.
Me: Maybe if you were at the Hippo it would.

I was on a roll that night because after his drunk female friend told me that she had just come from the craft show at the convention center, I retorted, "Did you bedazzle that shirt for him?" She actually fell on the floor, she was laughing so hard. I was accused of pushing her. Later that evening, on the way back to Kirsten's car, these two really high twenty-something guys approached a group of us and the one said, "Hey. My friend is in really bad shape, can you help us out?" The friend indeed looked like a really strung out junkie, so I said, "Sure. Hopkins Hospital...about 8 blocks that way."

Yet my shining moment came on Tuesday night, when I was sitting at the bar waiting for my turn to belt out a tragically bad karaoke rendition of Pat Benetar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot." The guy that had been sitting next to me and flirting shamelessly for most of the night leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I really want to come home with you" in what I think was his best seductive voice. What do I have to say in response to this? I turn arround and announce very matter of factly, "Oh guys tell me that ALL the time!" He was fairly shocked by my lack of modesty and all I could do was laugh.

I'm sure the list goes on and on, but I was probably too drunk to remember most of it. Any day now, I'll be sending everyone a postcard that says, "The folks at the Betty Ford Clinic sure are treating me nice...."

Currently Watching High School Reunion Collection (The Breakfast Club / Sixteen Candles / Weird Science) By Brat Pak see related

And then the luster begins to wear off...

Generally, when a relationship ends, one of two things begins to happen. The first option is that you subconsciously deify that person so the loss is blown way out of proportion (oh, they were perfect...I'll never find anyone that comes close). The second option, is that you begin to see all the things about them that you previously overlooked because you liked them. Their luster begins to wear off. Perhaps you go to the opposite extreme and start judging them too harshly or perhaps you just see them for who they really are and the relationship for what it really was. I have been guilty of the first option before, but thankfully I now find myself with option 2. And suddenly, all the things that I never really noticed or noticed and wasn't too put out by, are becoming ridiculously obvious.

He smoked (lots of things and ALL the time). He was completely indecisive. He was cheap. He was painfully shy and I found myself either thinking or saying "Man up!" more times than a woman my age ever should. He dressed like he was still in college. He was late all the time (so am I but I have an excuse...makeup, hair, wardrobe...etc). For a guy to be as late as he was, effin george Clooney or Daniel Craig better be at the door to pick me up. He got surly when he drank scotch (and drank it anyway). But the most interesting epiphany I have had since we broke up is that he made me completely and utterly lazy (because he was completely and utterly lazy). Tanya and I had gotten into a really good routine of going to the gym and working out at least 4 times a week. I was actually up to more like 5 or 6...and then it got to the point where I didn't go at all. Instead I would find myself at his house, sitting on his couch, being lazy, drinking red wine, and watching cartoons or Comedy Central. Before that I used to go to the gym and then go out...somewhat counterproductive perhaps, but at least the work out would possibly cancel out the calories from the alcohol. I think that I could count on 2 hands the number of times that we actually went anywhere.

So now I find myself struggling to get back in the gym routine and making myself get my ass off the couch and go out somewhere...even if it is just to Kelly's. On the plus side, I have not watched a single cartoon in the last 3 weeks or so. Then again, my gym bag has not moved from the trunk of my car either. I did drive past it the other day and thought about going in, so maybe I should give myself a tiny bit of credit for that...or not.

I guess regardless of whether they are good people or not, sometimes people bring out the best in us and sometimes they bring out the worst. And just as an unusual aside, should it have told me something that all my female friends liked him and all my male friends definitely did not.

The Adventures of Goat Dog

Now the panther is truly a sweet little dog, but she is high strung which renders her untrustworthy the majority of the time. I am well past the irrational fear that she is going to maul me in my sleep, yet I continue to fear for the safety of my possessions (and other people's as well) every time the dog is not in my line of sight. I know that puppies chew, but this is getting ricockulous. Every other dog that I have owned, magically stopped devouring everything they could fit their mouths around exactly at the age of nine months. But not the panther. She continues to happily wreak havoc. Here is just a sampling of some of the things that she has eaten just in the short 12 months that I have owned her: 1 Comcast remote control 2 bluetooth headsets 1 heel off a brand new pair of leather boots 1 cell phone that belonged to Kirsten 1 cell phone that belonged to me, but I was supposed to mail back to T-Mobile the zipper from my favorite suitcase the cord to April's space heater (not plugged in) an extension cord (plugged in) the mileage log for the now defunct business receipts for my Educator Expense Deduction a down pillow from Ikea a down comforter my watch (I heard the clinking and managed to fish it out of her mouth) April's favorite scarf my new mittens a $75 bra (I heard the frolicking and wrestled it away from her) a Bath and Body Works Wallflower Lipgloss from Sephora numerous pairs of socks a pair of hoochie heels that I never even had a chance to wear the world's softest blanket from Target my razor my niece's teddy bear a Priority Mail box a $10 bill a double cheeseburger, fries, and the McDonald's bag that it came in a quarter a metal brace (supposed to be used to anchor Ikea bookshelf to the wall) the case to the iPhone a pink sweater that I also never got to wear the corners of every pillowcae I own the charger for my laptop a glue trap for mice 1 AAA battery ...and yes, I do feed her. She knows she's being bad too, because when I walk in the room she stops chewing and hides the stuff in her Mastiff-mix jowls. She isn't totally incorrigible though. If I tell her to drop it, she does. She actually spits it out and makes a sound that is remarkably close to ptooey! I would crate her again, but her and Henna broke the crate when they got in it together, got stuck, then panicked, dragging it all around the basement until the finally freed themselves. In the meantime, I have resigned myself  to coming home every day to a pile of mystery debris laying on the floor that I then have to attempt to identify by the shape and/or color of the remnants. It was the pause button that was the dead giveaway today...