Chapter 2 - Assholes on a Plane

Onto the plane and onwards to the land of the rising sun, our hearts were filled with excitement and unexplainable joy, like little sperm swimming towards an unknowing entity called life, this plane was the egg and this mysterious place called Japan was life! (HAHAHAHA). Once again, only a few minor bumps along the way in the form of Paul booking his seat far away from the rest of our Happy Adventurer's Co. I had no complaints since I had the nice window seat to sleep on due to running on around 48 hours of no sleep, I was ready to put myself into a state of voluntary comatsosis.

It was only about when the seatbelt signs lit up indicating takeoff, when this tall blonde guy came and sat down next to me in a rush. He immediately took my hand in a mighty rough handshake and introduced himself as simply 'Chris' which instead of making me think 'Boy, what a nice guy!' had me more curious as to whether he was raised on masturbating horses as an early childhood profession with a devestating grip like that. Anyways, putting all animal fornication issues aside, I probably wouldn't have been so shitfaced had I not been lacking so much sleep, so I probably seemed quite cold towards him. But you know, I don't just label anyone an asshole for no reason, (ha!) it's just that everytime I tried to take a nap he would wake me up for the most trivial things like bitching to me about Jetstars shit service and how he would normally fly Qantas First Class but some error made him become stuck in the 'commoners' area. I'm truly honored to Chris for choosing such a lowly peasant like myself to sit with but please let me fucking sleep. He also really liked to play with my feelings because on numerous occasions throughout the trip he would say things like

Chris the Final Furlong Gripmaster 3000: Oh hey, you said something about a friend of yours sitting far away, I don't mind sitting behind us in that empty seat so your friend can come here to sit with you guys. (Hey this guy turned out to be pretty nice after all!)
Me: Wow yeah that'd be great because he'll probably get really bored over there by himself.
Chris the Final Furlong Gripmaster 3000: Yeah let's just wait for the flight waitresses to come by and I'll ask her to change my seat (Flight Waitresses..)
Me: Yep thanks a lot again Chris!
[10 minutes later flight attendants keep walking by and Chris starts listening to music]
Me: (Oh, he must have forgot, oh well Paul can wait a little while longer)
***Results of Round 1: Chris: 1, Jason: 0, Paul -1***

At this point Chris has put me in quite an awkward position because I can't really say to him 'Hey man, what about that promise you made with me earlier to go to Tokyo University together to eat our bento's together and find true happiness?' because that would just go against my man pride laws of awkwardness, plus it would be pretty gay of me. So then I took a nap and we didn't talk until lunch came in which Chris revealed.

Chris the Final Furlong Gripmaster 3000: Oh yeah about that seat switch thing with your friend, I was just waiting until we finished lunch because I didn't want to confuse the flight waitress. (Yes because now you would be one seat behind us and would have to somehow signal the flight attendant in front of you)
Me: Ah I see thats alright, I'm sure he can hold out til after lunch!
Chris the Final Furlong Gripmaster 3000: I heard they're serving thrush in me (I'll guess Sashimi, and no they didn't serve sashimi because Jetstar does not provide that sort of luxury to the commoner's village of the plane)
[After lunch Chris unbuckles his belt and sits back to read a magazine]
Me: (Hmm, odd..)
***Results of Round 2: Chris 2, Jason 0, Paul -2***

I pretty much gave up on Chris at this point and just accepted that Paul probably won't be able to receive the tremendous privilege of sitting next to me and watching me sleep, so I went back to sleeping yet again. After a few hours of sleep he woke me up yet again with me expecting false hopes this time and said

Chris the Final Furlong Gripmaster 3000: Wow you were out for ages!
Me: Yeah!
Chris the Final Furlong Gripmaster 3000: Oh yeah about your friend wanting to sit here, I've been meaning to change places with him but you've been asleep this whole time. (Ah I see, so now it's my fault.)
Me: Oh yeah that's right!
Chris the Final Furlong Gripmaster 3000: Well anyways I'm just going to pack my things and get ready to switch now.
Me: Sure, thanks a lot again! (Well at least this time I had finally won and I was feeling pretty pleased with myself)
[So Chris begins packing his things and starts fidgetting around for all his belongings and after about 5 minutes of packing and unpacking and so forth, he produced a laptop in which he placed in his lap and began doing work on it. At this point I was just staring at him silently kind of waiting for a response of reaction of some sort but to my dismay nothing.]
Me: (SON OF A BITCH)
***Results of Round 3: Chris 3, Jason 0, Paul -3***
Game, Set, Match, Chris the Final Furlong Gripmaster 3000 wins.  

So thank you very much Chris for making my trip one that was both exciting, rivetting and kept me guessing at what the fuck was going on through your head throughout the entire trip. I think in the end I didn't even really care that much and neither did Paul, about the seat switching, but he played with my feelings more than that time my parents promised that we would go to Sea World when I was 7 for the summer holidays. We never went to Sea World.

And there you have it, this goes to show just how spontaneous and how much shit planning I have placed into this epic adventure. I honestly didn't expect to write so much on Chris and how much he toyed with my feelings so I guess we will just have to wait til next time to discover the Chamber of Secrets. I've already taken measures to edit the summary section from the previous entry to make things make more logical. Huzzah for conspiracies.

Next Chapter  - Happy Adventurers and The Chamber of Secrets in the Shin-Osaka Love Hotel

Summary: Finally landing at Osaka after an epic plane ride, The Happy Adventurer's Co. are forced to catch different trains, will they find eachother once again or be lost forever to Japans difficult and harsh rail systems of infinite lines and stations? And finally, what will the young male adventurers do once they enter their single bedroom room with nothing but porn, no females and prostitution advertisements in their room. As sexual tensions rise between the three young men and no readily available alcohol, there's a rumoured chamber of secrets behind the walls of the Shin-Osaka hotel, what will they find there? Stay tuned for Chapter 3 of this epic epic epic adventure with even more epic summaries than what the actual recounts will eventually turn out to be.

Oh look there's inspiration to write in here again! Yay! So im currently at this 500 yen/hour (Roughly $5 AUD) internet media cafe where they just shove you with so many things to do so that you can't leave until the kids are crying at home because their Japanese salary man father has just spent their christmas money on 5 hours of internet at this media cafe instead of that new PS3 that they've always wanted and now will have to endure a school life of bullying and enjo kosai (teenage prostitution) because they only have a PS2 and Wii. In this booth that I'm in I have all to myself a tv, dvd player, movies, ps3, computer, manga, and anime to watch.  I sure hope I dont overstay the hour. So in the meantime I will attempt to recall the events of what's happened over the past few days as best I can with (11.th January 2008)

And obviously that's how arsed I was to write this recount of my adventures in Japan, I think I must have alt tabbed out to MIRC and forgotten about this entry and so here it is, a series of part instalments to this epic epic epic journey of epic proportions as I attempt to recount all the epic mishaps and epic thrills of my epic adventures in Japan so stay tuned folks and keep count of how many times I use the word epic. (No this has nothing to do with WoW)

                                                                Jason in Japan (I can't center text and titles for shit)

Chapter 1: The Deported

My last night in Australia was filled with both deep and meaningful talks long into the night and tear-filled goodbyes. Deep and meaningful conversations meaning hanging around in Bankstown and cutely joking about who would be the first to be gunned down in a driveby shooting and the tears would be greasy oil dripping from our sleazy latenight kebabs. Putting these small details aside, it would still be my last Sydney experience for a while so I savoured in the moment and basked in the euphoric paranoia of being mugged at every corner and strokes from cholestral level inducing kebabs. MmMmMmMmmm.   

Through the gates and last goodbyes to our beloved, the Happy Adventurer's Co and I. (Comprised of characters whom I will introduce later after I get their permission to be in this epic adventure in case I portray them in offensive manners, so for now they will be known as the HA Co.) bravely stepped into the check in gates. Apart from the first few small bumps (i.e forgetting to print out my ticket and realising I booked the wrong flight to the flight transfer destination in Cairns to Osaka, which meant I traveled to Cairns alone and had to endure a 1 hour flight without the HA Co.) Apart from those small bumps along the way, everything would be smooth sailing now! Or so I thought. How I thought horribly wrong. The short flight from Sydney to Cairns was mainly filled with me watching about 8 Japanese adults playing Nintendo DS around me and screaming something in English like 'FUCK THE CLOWNS' everytime somebody won a round. I arrived in Cairns a bit earlier than the HA Co. so I decided to be clever and check in for our flight to Osaka super early! Well thank god I did because as soon as I reached the check in desk this little scenario played out.

The Riddlemaster: Konnichiwa <Insert really long winded Japanese sentence>
Me: G'day (Ah-ha! Surprise!)
The Riddlemaster: Oh, in that case, Passport Please (How much easier was that in English to say passport please)
The Riddlemaster: I'm just bringing up your information on the screen (Alt tabbing from Spider Solitaire)
Me: Yes that would be so.
The Riddlemaster And...It appears that I can't let you board this flight.(Only if you answer these questions Three)
Me: Excuse me? (WTF?)
The Riddlemaster: Yes, you can not board this flight (Because he who stands under the waterfall can only hear the sparrow whistle when the bamboo strikes the setting of the sun in the distant horizon)
Me: Why? (Hello Specifics)
The Riddlemaster: Well it appears to me that you do not have a return ticket (Which means I suspect that you are going to overstay your Visa)
Me: Yeah, that would be because I'm not sure how long I plan to stay and will book it when I'm over there.
The Riddlemaster: Ah, I see..*suspicious look* You will need to buy a return ticket now then. (Which means 'You smell of illegal immigration you backstabbing bastard after all this country has done for you look at all those Made in China clothes you're wearing who do you think provided those if not Australia!)

So then as calm as Riddle Master was I hurried upstairs to the nearest internet cafe or rather Intensive Internet Concentration Camp, which made me pay $5/10 minutes of internet usage there. Apparently the internet they sell is a bit more pricey at Cairns than Sydney due to things like inflation, import taxes and that sort of thing. So being as desperate as I was I paid for 10 minutes and browsed through Jetstar for the nearest return flight available and clicked to confirm my details to book it, and with my awesome luck thus far prevailing furthermore, the message 'Insufficient funds in bank' popped up because the ticket was about $550 and I only had $519 left in my bank account.(Whoopdeefuckingdooda!)  But in my moments of despair I thought to myself 'What would Yugioh do in this situation?' so I quickly took out my phone and with my last 50 cents or so of credit left (I swear I'm not trying to make this epic thats just how much you would have on your phone before leaving the country for a few weeks) I managed to call the first person on my list Adrian Ng and being the good samaritan he was, without hesitation, he booked my flight for me through his bank account. So very much props to you sir for making this trip possible to begin with.

I was a bit paranoid at all the things that could have gone wrong like the transaction not processing in time for my plane to take flight and whether or not they could access my return ticket on the computers instantly. But all went well as I finally made it through check-in but not without at least the Riddle Master's supervisor (Whom we will anonymously dub the Grand Wizard of the Border Control's Ku Klux Klan) making a visit and asking me a few questions about my trip itinery. I don't know where the Riddle Master got that vagueness from because the Grand Wizard was very straightforward and got right to the point. I suppose it was my fault for packing so lightly in the first place as I only had about 5kgs worth of belongings altogether in my luggage limit of 20kg, and as we all know, packing lightly can only mean one thing, Visa Overstaying Adventures in Japan! 

GWotBCKKK: I see you've packed very lightly Sir.
Me: Why yes I have! Ha! Ha! (Very non-serious tone)
GWotBCKKK: Yeah mate just make sure you come back (Serious stern look)
Me: Ha. (Sweating because he said it in this very serious 'I will personally hunt you down and lynch your black ass back here myself' kind of tone)
GWotBCKKK: Watching you mate.
Me: Love you too

I'm still suspicious that the Grand Wizard did stalk me for a while because even when we were at the plane boarding terminal, I was joking about overstaying my Visa with HA Co. and I didn't know it but the whole time he was actually standing right next to us at the gates watching me very carefully. Rest assured this isn't the last you will hearof the Grand Wizard of the Border Control Ku Klux Klan because he will make a comeback later on in the trip. At that time I probably hadn't even realised it myself how close I was to being denied of this trip altogether and I really do have to thank all my friends for helping me out when I do screw up a lot of the times due to my carelessness. To Gavin who lent me a room in his glamorous Baringa Hotel to unload my luggage, Kevin who let me run into his house at the last minute to print out my ticket, to John who, even tired off his ass still drove me to the airport early in the morning, to all those who came to see me off and kebabs late into the night even though it doesn't seem like a big deal it still means a lot to me, Adrian who without any hesitation helped me right away when I needed it, Paul for showing me a whole new world of magical things in Japan ^_~ and to all the things that Andrew will provide for me like a caring mother later on in this adventure. <3 you all

Next Chapter: Assholes on a Plane

Summary: Making friends with the passenger next to me 'Chris', who seems friendly enough, offering his seat for Paul who was accidentally seated far away from us. But as the plane takes off the plot slowly unfolds and the truth slowly reveals itself. What are Chris' real motives? Is he really a friend or foe? And more importantly will somebody just let Jason fucking get some sleep! Stay tuned for Chapter 2!

So I'm bored as shit at work right now, after watching 4 episodes of  Naruto which is getting OH so exciting,

[WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS THAT DO NOT AFFECT YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE WHATSOEVER.]

Itachi: ph33r m3 n4ru70
Kakashi: lol n00b im kakashi j00 have shit eyesight
Naruto: lol u need glassesbayo
Sakura: lol i work @ OPSM
Chiyo: lol I'm old.

Meanwhile . . .
Kisame: remember me?
Gai: No
Kisame: remember me?
Gai: No
Kisame: remember me?
Gai: No
Kisame: remember me?
Gai: No
Kisame: remember me?
Gai: No
Kisame: remember me?
Gai: No
Neji: Fuck, my Byakugan tells me this joke isn't getting any funnier.

A few interesting things happened today at least!

I read in the Good Living that Dick Smith makes virgin olive oil now...who would've ever put those two together..and they have some shit advertisement slogan like 'We now make olive oil, lol' if I was on the advertising team, you would be seeing this slogan in stores everywhere 'Dicks don't make virgins, but we do!' Come on, thats genius it took me like 5 minutes to conjure up that one.

We also had this old couple come in to return a product and they wanted a refund but I only let them exchange, so they were like hang on give us a few minutes to discuss what we want. And I Swear. They just turned around and pretended to talk to eachother but all they were saying was FuckYouFuckYouFuckYouFuckYouFuckYouFuckYouFuckYouFuckYouFuckYou Unless of course I am horribly mistaken and FuckyouFuckyou actually means 'Hey, the watches here aren't bad' in arabic

And I think I've finally met the first honest customer EVER, in all the time that I've been working here...This friendly aussie guy just strolls into the shop and he hands me a fifty and goes 'Hey mate, gimme something to smoke marijuana out of' I was so shocked I immediately thought "What is this a roundabout way of asking for a pack of cigarettes?' But hey, he just took the bong for $50 and left without any questions or bargaining. That's what this world needs more of, simple and honest people! (The pot habit is just an added bonus)

Nowadays I've just realised theres too many cheapshits here that it's not really worth discussing anymore..If I set up a name and shame system where I took photos of everyone who did it, I could probably make one of those huge collages of portraits to make a bigger picture, the bigger picture probably being Goatse or something. I had this french guy who refused to buy a calling card to African because the one he got from another shop worked out to give him 2.7 extra minutes than the new card