Unable

so today, i remember how awkward i can get in big party situations.

it's not that i'm THAT shy anymore, either. at least, nowhere near the shyness level i had back during high school parties.

it all just felt...clique-y.

everybody, EVERYBODY knew each other except me, marc and his girlfriend. unfortunately for me, whenever he and his gf would go off and get some food, or some outside air, i'd be left alone for a bit, meaning i'd have to connect with other people.

which, by itself is not too hard, but i only talked to people i knew back in high school, or whom i vaguely remember.

there were some girls i wanted to get at, sure, but for the most part, they were talking amongst themselves, or found themselves in conversations with dudes they knew before the party.

really, i only knew about 1/3 of the people there. and just found myself talking to the same people.

now, with small groups, i can be really good. at the first muir orientation leader meeting, it went really smoothly. part of that was that all of us did not know each other. that was fun.

when everybody at the party knows each other, and you're the odd man out, people notice REAL quick.

if you dont dance, you're suddenly the guy where everybody is wondering who invited you.

if you do dance, and if you're like me and dance silly (silly-ly?), then you're just some jackass.

at least marc had his girlfriend.

i'm just not normally in a 'filipino-party' environment. i dont drink, i'm not too good at meeting a friend of a friend of a friend.

but it was fun nonetheless.

it's so weird to be back

instead of blogging on facebook, i'm gonna do it here...so i dont lie to myself anymore and continuously make notes over there.

after all, the prime reason for doing this is to vent when i have nobody to vent to.

first, i suppose i expected the grades i got: a B+ in mcwp 125, B in math 109, and a C in cogsci 1.

i was just hoping i somehow pulled a miracle on that final and got at least a C+.

oh well. this is a 2.766 i can live with, and as soon as i retake vector calculus, my cumulative is gonna look a lot better than it does now.

worst. dinner. ever.

so much for closing that chapter of my life. of the three of us, at least one of us can walk away satisfied. one of us can say, "at least i tried."

that's not good enough for me. without a sense of closure...i dunno, it sucks.

as for the third party, i hope she can live with herself.

disappointment. frustration. anger.

thankfully, thinking on our feet (thinking with our wallets and stomachs too) led to a nice little dinner at jack-in-the-box, so...it was not a total loss.

i can only hope the backlash doesnt result in somebody getting proverbially pushed over the deep end.

i wonder if i used proverbially in the right context. shit happens.

tonight should prove interesting, as it is gonna be the fallout from today.

saturday and sunday are also gonna be...interesting. i cant say fun. i cant say they're gonna suck. cause i dunno yet.

but with that, i gotta eat my steak and rice.

happy holidays. all that jive.

let tomorrow come and take my time away

i'ma have a weird day tomorrow. in between my classes and my 3:30 meeting, i'ma have to fix this whole lease/down payment business.

damn you for not taking money orders. seriously, arent money orders more reliable than checks??

have you ever heard of a bounced money order?

regardless, i freaking love you guys for letting me get that place.

man, i had the craziest dream last night. judging from dreams i can actually recall from this year alone, that's saying something.

boy last night was kinda cool. i finally have whistlecore on my ipod.

chargers and raiders fans hate each other - that's established right?

one thing about raiders fans though - regardless of how their team is doing, they're loyal as hell.

chargers fans...well, not so much. sure there are a few charger diehards, but oakland fans love their team season in, season out.

that show, kid nation...doesnt it remind you of 'children of the corn'?

that movie scared the hell outta me as a kid.

shooting a few scenes at ucsd is now a new goal. not even making a movie, just shooting some fight/chase scenes.

cause dialogue scenes are boring unless there's some kind of confrontation or whatever. plus, those kind of dialogue scenes are easier to shoot and perform than simple dialogue that advances the plot through revelation or character development.

so, some fun scenes gonna be shot at the college. this'll be easy when i'm living as close as i will, right off gilman drive.

editing - not so much, esp. w/o a laptop. hmm, i'ma have to edit it at home then. sucks.

i like how anything above 25 mpg is automatically considered gas-efficient in advertisements these days.

really? 25? hell, my fucking nissan altima gets 20-something per gallon and that shit needs to get filled twice a week. that's upwards of $70 a week. that's rapeage at its finest.

honda fit, toyota prius - 50 mpg. yes ma'am. thanks to mike for turning me on to these cars.

who did i watch the superbowl with this year?

superbowl xl was steelers/seahawks, and i wanna say i watched that with kevin

superbowl xli was colts/bears, and i wanna say i watched that with mike and yves.

hmm. this is gonna drive me crazy.

i'm like 60% sure i watched xli with mike and yves, cause i remember the J-E-A story well.

speaking of stories, the coors light/jack daniels story is still funny to me.

one of the things i learned while gaining weight over the summer.

in order to weigh 180 lbs, i've had to eat like a guy who weighs 180 lbs.

only in the last few days have i actually felt like i've been eating a lot.

now that i weigh borderline 180 (i know i weigh over 170 now), i've gotta condition myself a lot better.

i have the stamina and endurance of a guy who weighs 160, NOT 170.

i can no longer maintain a constant jogging stride around campus loop. i now need walking breaks, especially the uphill portions.

before the fucking quarter ends, i intend to complete a full-jog around campus. believe that.

once i can do that again, i'll enter my time-breaking mode where i'll constantly try to jog faster.

43 minutes can seem impossible. dont care. i've run with a hurt left foot. i've run, fallen down, and bloodied my hand. 43 minutes is nothing.

i AM proud of the injuries i've sustained while exercising. however, it seems like there's always an injury i have to contend with.

left elbow joint kept me from doing skullcrushers for a long time
right shoulder keeps me from benchpressing as much as i used to
lower back is currently in the healing process
etc.

i'm done with this.

hacer centavos.

the ending. normally, everything is a lead-in to the ending.

and the ending should be a big finale. worth the wait.

not the case for this week.

the weekend was glenn-filled,

monday was the meeting of a lot of new people,

tuesday was the day i got my ipod, got my mom a shuffle, and took my brothers bowling,

wednesday was when i walked with marie and trained glenn for most of the day,

thursday was dinner and a HSS tour with lori and her friend,

so what about friday?

well, plans for training glenn went sour quickly when i found out his folks wanted him home right after his classes.

so, i worked out on my lonesome, putting forth more of myself than i've had in months.

when you're constantly fighting back vomit as you run campus loop, you know you're doing something amazing. and crazy.

i was driven. i wasnt gonna let that kill me.

then it just went downhill from there.

at 6:30pm, i sat in my car and contemplated my night.

sure, i could have gone.

every concert i've ever gone to or seen - i was on my own. ones i saw with elite, technically alone. mc chris concert - alone.

coincidentally, had i known what i learned around midnite, i would have gone.

instead i opted to leave ucsd.

i dont regret it. it led to my first ever victories playing madden 08 on the wii. chargers 7, cowboys 3.

defensively exciting game.

also, i controlled the chargers against some team from berlin. easily won that.

i had the pleasure of seeing the roots when they performed downtown as the headline for the southern comfort tour. so, i know just how good they are.

an interesting aim convo topped off the night.

by the by, who pants that hard doing laundry?

anyway, i'm just hoping karma comes through for me tomorrow.

My Temperament is IDEALIST

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development.

Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self - always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey.

Idealists are naturally good at working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way and inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals.

Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers to people.

Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are those who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is.

The real, practical world is a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be explored, and is rich with meanings calling out to be understood.

This idea of a mystical or spiritual life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or blind faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of person. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves and others when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere.

More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are with those filled with love and good will.

They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they have few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children.

In marriage, they wish to find a "soulmate", someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are rare, making up between 20 and 25 percent of the population. But they are able to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond numbers.