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| as an update...
my grandmother passed away at about 10:30 this morning. thank you all for your prayers and thoughts during this time. to those in the kansas city area, i'll be there as early as tomorrow and probably until sunday... it'd be nice to see some friends right now.
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| i just finished packing a small carry-on bag.
in it is a selection of clothes, shoes, etc. including a pair of black shoes, black pants and a white shirt.
why?
my grandmother has cancer. and is in the hospital. she's declined treatment due to numerous reasons.
my father is with her now, sitting and waiting, talking to her, keeping her comfortable. i wish i could be there too. i packed the bag because at any moment i may need to take up and leave.
please pray for her. pray for peace in her heart and that rest can finally come; it's what she wants. pray that the pain she feels has been numbed away, allowing her to make her own peace with herself and God. i pray that God would move in her and stir her, in case those things in her have fallen away.
i pray that she knows people are praying for her, and that she knows people love her. that i love her. that she means so incredibly much to me and the thought that she's, well, like she is right now, is a very hard thought for me to bear.
please pray for my family, that we could be joined together and lifted up in this time, and that my father would draw near to us again, and draw near to God. i pray that my family is strengthened by this, and that we could work together and band together for my grandmother's sake.
i love her, and i don't want to lose her, but i know that if she wants to go, she can go. it's out of my hands. all i can do is pray, love and miss her. i pray i get to see her soon. | | |
| hi everyone!
my phone number changed.
it is now 615-519-4189.
...you were hoping for a real update? | | |
| life is about more than your what you own. it's about more than your knowledge, your skills, your assets, your vested interest, both realised and unrealised, human and business, money and time. life is worth more than anything you could buy, sell, trade, say, do or make, except another life, but even that isn't yours to make, technically.
i realize that when i'm placed in a position to make money, i place myself in positions to spend money, too. as soon as i have money coming in, i falsely think it's not enough; greedily, i scheme up ways to earn more money. life is not about money. life, in many ways, can be dependent on money, but should never be fully dependent on money to thrive.
special recognition to my old friends mike and danielle, who i've let fall to the wayside in my life, but i think about nearly every day. two of my best friends from back home, that, due to events that i helped set in motion, grew further and further away from me. i don't even know them anymore but i know that i miss them.
the same goes to nate, ed, brandon, brandon, dave, jeff, and many others from mtsu; the countless others from lee's summit who i haven't talked to in years; i haven't spoken to in longer.
i am tired. this is babble. the proverbial xanga question: does anyone read this anymore? | | |
| so.
i come on here to talk about my feelings and let everyone i care about know what's going on in my life. i do that with good intentions and always shy up right when i start thinking about what i want to say. i'm worried i'll hurt, upset, or alienate my friends. i'm conflicted because i have so much going on inside right now, and i try to tell someone.. but it just seems like no one will listen. or if they do it just makes me feel worse. or i ruin things and say or do the wrong thing. but oh well.
basically, i think i'm getting depressed again.
my friends have noticed a change in me.
i'm in a rut at my new job, already.
i'm not motivated to do anything anymore.
rachel and i are going through rocky times; we love each other, but it's just a hard phase.
there's so much complexity in that i don't even know how to put it.
i'm in this weird waiting period: waiting on a job from brady, in this weird training phase at my day job, waiting to move into a house, waiting for some new relationship step with rachel, waiting for my spiritual maturity to increase, waiting for my abilities and skills to grow, waiting on everything. it's draining me.
lying on the floor.
pacing the house, pacing my room.
thinking suicidal thoughts again; wanting to or almost acting things out, again.
crying, a lot, again and again and again and again and again.
not sleeping; not awake.
i'm crying out to god but my thoughts are so distracted i can't communicate. i've tried talking to him through all of this but i'm losing focus and i don't know how to reclaim it.
give me revival. give me purpose. give me meaning. give me drive, effort, love, respect, fear, joy, work, ups, downs, your timing, your plan, your will. i can't follow you all the time, but i can follow you now. show me the way.
every time i pray about things i think about brady and about new york. about how brady is a way to get involved with working, and about how new york is a place that needs god's impact. i feel a call there and i don't know why. new hope new york keeps getting brought up around me and i feel like it's not a coincidence. i want to make a difference in this world, through my life, and i think that's a way to get started. i pray for direction and understanding. i don't know what to do, or how to do it. i pray the idols in my life be knocked down, the path i walk be made clear. i don't know what to do or where to go, but i'm willing and mostly able. if i don't tie myself down, i can't be held by ungodly things. they consume my body and my mind; i repent of them daily, regret the past mistakes but look forward to a bright future. i don't know if i'll ever get there.
how is it that i can feel so lost when i know i'm saved?
how can i accept the gift of salvation when i don't deserve it?
however, how could i ever refuse it?
i owe my life to the One who gave his for me, but my life is tainted.
guide me through your plan, purify me by fire. i know you'll be there along side me.
forgive my unforgiveness, my judgment, my sins. they mount up on me and i don't know what to do. help me. only you can. | | |
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