the power of self destruction slowly creeps upon me. like gazing at an approaching storm in the sky i can’t be torn away. as i stand there mesmerized by the curious beauty of it all i find myself stuck in the storm. why didn’t I run? as i lay there on the ground unsure of getting up i realize i must run. i must sprint with my eyes straight forward in order to escape. yet apathy sits in. maybe this storm isn’t so bad. i lie there deceiving myself. the rain is only the beginning, i start to reason...next there is thunder, lightning, hail, and unbearable winds. more suffering will come. suffering that with obedience could have easily been avoided. i could’ve out run the storm by chasing after the sunshine. but instead my eyes won this battle instead of my heart. my
flesh has defeated my ever wondering heart. and so i lie here, drenched and cold.

            Who am I that you would love me so gently?
                  Who am I that you would recognize my name?
                        Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
                             A conversation with the love most high.

-life is so amazing right now, but that does not take away the constant struggles of  fulfilling my fleshly desires.-                    "...the spirit is indeed willing, but the flesh is weak..."

It happens over and over again, a repeating pattern that never seems to stop, like a staircase that never ends. Each step gets a little harder. Growing up isn’t easy, cliché, I know. i cling to simplicity but sometimes that isn’t enough for the circumstance. Sometimes doing what is best can be the hardest and this must be taken into account. Because things aren’t always as they seem. I find myself living in a world of deceit, where happiness is all I want. Happiness can be taken away...but joy...oh joy!!   

well here you go!

a new entry!

yay for that!

im writing you a letter. right here. 

i can tell you anything.

the truth is...  a while back i realized that i really like myself so much better when im with you. so much. and i don't want to say that "you make me happy." because you don't.  i mean i like hanging out with you because we always have a blast, but im not like obsessively attached. people CAN'T make you happy. people fail. 

so... "i like myself better when im with you." i started to ask myself "why?" is it because i try to impress you? nope. im not impressive. is it because you make me want to "be a better person?" (whatever that means)...nope. not that either.

i figured it out. today. and this is how:

i hate it because it seems like most people (not all, but mostly everyone even if it is temporary) treat me like a child.  i always get the blame whether or not its really my fault.  people put me in a box and shut me away. that's how it was- i was talked about and treatedlike a child. but you dont treat me like a child and thats good. anyways, i came to see that the reason "i like myself better with you" is because

you treat me like a freaking adult for crying out loud. you don't talk down to me, even when you and i both know you could, because you have the intelligence to. and though you are so smart, i am not intimidated to sound like an idiot with you. because you hold me up.

thank you.

know that i appreciate you.

please know that.

your actions and words have power. 

and though i know this, and now you do- don't let me take advantage of that. don't let me rely on you for my strength. don't let me give you resposibility that isn't yours...