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| Life, As Perceived When Delusionary.I don't remember what book I read this in, but I seem to remember it
was school mandated, and at the time, I thought it sucked. It was about
some white pioneer girl who was captured by Native Americans and was
pretty much integrated into their culture, and had some kids. Later,
she was recaptured by white pioneers and forced to reintegrate back
into Anglo-Saxon culture.
Anyway, the only thing I found particularly memorable was a scene where
some white kid named Ben (who was missing an arm, or something) went
into the forest to do the traditional Native American rite of passage
into manhood by depriving himself of food, water, and sleep in order to
induce hallucinations.
At the time I laughed at this scene because I found it so idiotic - I
mean, call me culturally insensitive, but when I read it I thought it
was a totally ridiculous tradition.
As I type these words, however, I'm not really laughing anymore. I
mean, I can't sleep, which is definitely a different issue, and I've
got a mild case of the munchies, but I'm far from in a forest, fighting
off exhaustion and exposure. (Coldplay's new album serenades my typing.)
But I definitely think that creativity hits at the weirdest moments.
Maybe for some people it comes in the form of hallucinations. Maybe
this is why more esoteric philosophy is only comprehensible to some
people when they're completely stoned. I mean, I'm not quite sure what
I wanna do - make some music, write some short stories, just ramble on
my Facebook (this isn't meant to be read by anybody, by the way, this
is kind of like letters that I don't send out, but hide in my desk
drawer - presumably any sane person would've lost interest in this
ramble by now) but I really wanna do something.
Maybe I'm just a little jittery about the Ultimate tournament this
weekend, but I definitely can't sleep at all. I guess other than that,
I have a ton of business to take care of so I can graduate high school
and go to college, but that's not really that pressing on my mind right
now... I just wanna enjoy this phase in my life, because I've probably
been skimping out on having fun for a couple years. I remember summers
spent completely in the shadows of my house, alone with an Xbox
controller and a couple of crappy TV shows.
This isn't really supposed to be a self-pity note either, nor is there
supposed to be a moral, but hopefully writing down some stuff will help
me sleep tonight.
Damn, I have some stuff that's really riding on a thin wire. I mean, at
any given moment, my ad hoc plans could just epically fail, leaving me
in a pit of suck and... well, fail. Isn't it odd that I'm only a little
bit apprehensive?
Well, a little bit more apprehensive then I'd ever admit to being...
It seems like I need to be perpetually busy, or I let my dwell on
things too much. Maybe this is why debate is a good activity for me,
while simultaneously being the most ungodly thing in my life, ever.
Hopefully everything will resolve itself. I need sleep.
tl;dr - Can't sleep, thinking about crappy books and college.
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| College acceptances and rejections.Now that a lot of seniors are wrapping up their high school careers and
preparing for a brand new college experience, acceptance and rejection
letters are defining the mood of this March/April.
First: congratulations to everyone who got into their college of
choice, and maybe even the college they thought was a "reach", but
applied for anyway.
Next: I've ranted about college application problems before, but it has
been most clearly epitomized by the rejections issued this season.
If you were:
1. CAP-ed by UT,
2. Rejected by Ivy Leagues,
3. Rejected by Rice, Cornell, or your first college of preference,
4. Rejected by colleges that accepted people of seemingly lesser credentials,
5. Any nasty combination of the above,
you are probably more pissed off than I am, since I'm only a junior,
and thus not directly affected by any of this bullshit, and I'm
postponing any kind of college-related decision as long as I can.
I've been so disgusted by the college application process that my
excitement at escaping the borders of Katy, TX has forever been marred.
I mean, I don't have a problem with failure; I'm a realistic guy and
realize that it happens to the best of us. I do, however, have a
problem with factors that prevent me from correcting said failures,
i.e. having seemingly arbitrary and inexplicable criteria for admitting
students into colleges.
I've been privileged enough in my 15 years to interact with some of
what I believe to be the best and brightest of my generation - the
Einsteins, the Curies, the Shakespeares - and it is disappointing and
somewhat discouraging to see colleges respond to their applications
with a short, impersonal, "go-to-hell" letter. It's enough to make you
say, "fuck the system" and stop trying to figure out what the hell is
going on. I mean, why pore endlessly over college admissions manuals
and advice books when it doesn't mean jack shit when it counts?
Furthermore, if these people weren't even accepted, how will I (who I
consider, on paper, grossly under-qualified) EVER have a shadow of a
chance of getting in?
Oh, and I've heard several times from people that "their essays
sucked". I SERIOUSLY doubt that every linguistically fluent person I
know and got rejected all of a sudden suffered a serious bout of
semantics retardation and ended up spewing some random bullshit for
colleges; there has got to be another underlying reason that's more
believable.
But, shit, we can't stop caring, can we? I mean, as people seeking the
best futures for ourselves, how can we refuse this system? Sure, it's
flawed, but the alternative is horrific in the extreme - I'd much
rather go to a less prestigious college than be in, say, "Waste
Management" - (read: a garbage man).
What is happening to higher education? Has it been so bastardized by
the statistics that it can't even recognize true talent anymore? I am
just being short-sighted? Am I over-estimating the people I interact
with - are they simply not as "good" as I thought?
Pardon any grammatical, linguistic, or syntactical inconsistencies in
this writing - my head is pounding right now. I think I have a severe
and suppressed bout of the Itis.
(As an ending note - don't hate on people who got in that you think are
"not as qualified" as you. Don't blame affirmative action or any of
that bullshit. Everyone has paid their dues, and just because you feel
like you got cheated doesn't mean nobody else deserves it as much as
you. I am a little embarrassed that this is even a problem, but I am
surprised at how immaturely people I considered adult can act nowadays.) | | |
| Speech without thought.I was going to write something substantive and academically pertinent, but then I decided I wasn’t really in the mood for such heavy writing tonight.
For the past couple of days, I’ve had sporadically passionate urges to write about things that may or may not really matter, but honestly at the moment, I can’t recall any of them.
Well, I remember some of them. I’ve been in a really provocative mood – I’ve wanted to call out a number of people, but admittedly, I’m honestly in no moral position to criticize anyone, although I’m fairly proud of my ability to stay detached from high school drama this year. Still, to avoid hypocrisy, I’m going to refrain from being blunt. And, some people have surprised me, not only in their initial actions, but in their subsequent actions. At the risk of being terribly ambiguous, my point is that I’m glad I held my tongue because rational thought made confrontation unnecessary. (How imaginative! Actually talking out your problems!)
I’m not going to write about school, because honestly, I’m pretty sure that everyone’s already sick of school, even though we’re only a couple days back in.
I’m not going to ask a profound question, simply because I don’t want to have to process that kind of information at this moment. There’s so much that’s happening right now in front of my face that I hardly have the prerogative to posit such questions.
I’m not going to write about people I miss, because that would be far too depressing. In the same vein, I’m not going to post some really melancholy or depressing sentiments here. To people that claim they are “lonely”, it’s foolish to assume you’re the only one. You are, in fact, part of a much larger community of people who are as equally, if not more, lonely. So, by being isolated, you’ve actually thrust yourself into a large group. It’s like a club so exclusive, that nobody’s there. (Not in metaphorical quality, but rather that in both cases, the irony is disgusting.)
I’m not going to talk about the tragedy of friends infighting with each other. Its very existence makes me sick. I would recommend that we “all get along”, but that’ll never happen in a world where people are socially retarded, self-centered, and/or incapable of actually talking to people they call “friends.”
I’m REALLY not going to talk about school, because in hindsight, my English research essay was absolute bilge.
It’s kind of sad that I can’t find anything positive to talk about right now. I guess I’m going to posit a question after all – since I have difficulty thinking of anything especially happy right now, what is making YOU happy right now?
My fellow cynics, please refrain from informing me that things could be much worse. I could be dying of AIDS/starvation/insert bad thing here in sub-Saharan Africa, I could be suffering from a, b, and c , problems that you have to deal with, so shouldn’t I feel lucky? etc., etc. I would much rather have a dosage of happiness than that right now.
On an ending note: I lied when I said my blogging was going to be relevant. Sometimes venting is all you can do. And thank you, Talib Kweli, Mos Def, Common, Nas, and MF Doom. You are the sound of my hope. Subsequently, thank you Aphex Twin, Infected Mushroom, and Skinny Puppy. You are the sound of my hopes being crushed. Finally, thank you to Death Cab For Cutie, Motion City Soundtrack, the brilliant green, Saosin, Paramore, Linkin Park, etc. You are the sound of me picking up the pieces. The next part would logically be the construction of a new hope so this vicious cycle can continue, but I have an odd and implacable feeling that I’m responsible for writing this new verse myself.
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| Changing myself into a textual form for college consumption.I've started thinking about college applications because some of my friends are visiting colleges, because a lot of my college friends have returned for spring break, because a lot of my senior friends have either been accepted or unceremoniously rejected, because my father is on my case, and because Jimmy Li said to get it done before senior year starts so I can kick back and relax (with 7 AP's, I know this isn't going to happen.)
I've gotten a variety of response about my views on the SAT/college application system, but one of the most parsimonious responses I'm getting is that the "humanizing" aspect of admission comes in the form of the essay.
Great. I'm supposed to express myself in a essay; I'm supposed to encapsulate myself in textual form. I don't even know what I am yet, and while I may be able to ramble endlessly about the nonsensical, miscellaneous, and unimportant, how the hell am I supposed to write a genuine expose about myself that will get me admitted into college?
One option, of course, is to lie. I think this is going to be inevitable - telling colleges that I've garnered most of my experience through gratuitous failure is hardly attractive.
A lot of my friends are seniors - how did you manage to do it? (This is presuming that this is what college essays will ask you write about...)
As a side notes, congratulations to Vishal Maini for his 2400. I simultaneously salute you and hate you. I'm coming for your exclusive club. :p
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| I detect much fail in this sector.Something about this time of year, I think, brings out the worst in people.
Everyone is guilty of failure. Some people are guilty of more tremendous failure than others.
The point of failure, I think, is not that it occurred (although those repercussions are a bitch.) The point is that you realize you have failed, and fix this failure, or else people will eventually (probably sooner than later) get tired of your bullshit, you will continue to fail, probably more dramatically and significantly so, and you will be left alone in your little corner to rot and die as you lament your life, which is so full of "undeserved" woe and misery. This usually ends unhappily (I have qualified first-hand experience.)
The keyword for this blog is "maturity." You would think that, around this time in high school, or in college, or wherever you may be, the little boys and girls would've grown up and learned to interact with people in a socially mature way. I also find it somewhat ironic (and disheartening) that a 15 year old is sitting here writing this blog. I mean, honestly, if I can see it, anyone can see it.
This note applies to everyone. Me too. I know where my failures are, and I'm working on it. I am not faultless, and I am not exempt. But everybody right now has failed. Everyone. Even people that I don't know that well, I'm sure you're harboring some sort of failure. Nobody is blameless, and you better figure out yourself and fix it, because this pettiness is the cancer that's killing the world. Stop playing the victim; you're just creating more problems for yourself and others.
This is pretty much an invitation to flame. If you feel the urge, feel free. I find your denial and hypocrisy amusing almost beyond words. | | |
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